Aysha

Some of you may remember me posting on a disconnection between me and my father back in Sept.
I still havent heard from him. But yet I havent made an effort to speak to him either. I am petrified and I dont know why.
He was at my house the other day. I had massive anxiety when my grams said he was coming. And I wouldnt leave my computer room. I really wanted to go say hi, I'm sorry, I love you, Hug him. Something.
It was very stressful just thinking about it.
Then my little cousin who is 5. Says right when he is by the door leaving. "Do you like uncle Billy?" I dont know what made him say that.
It was weird.
I wrote him an email before xmas telling him I missed him and hoped his holiday was good.
I even wrote my sister and apologised to her.
My dad may be sick. Something with his liver. He has lost 30 lbs since Sept. And I know if anything ever happened to him. His wife isnt going to call us and let us know. Just because she is a B**** like that.
She'll do it out of spite.Thats how she is and the reason why me and my dad arent communicating.
Geez. I just wish I could stop feeling like I am going to have a break down everytime I want to speak to him. My dad was always hard to talk to. It doesnt help that we arent close to begin with. But I do love him.
And I dont know why. But the crazy dreams are just now starting. Its been almost a month since I used. Usually they come full force in the first couple weeks. I didnt have any until the past few days.
They are so draining. And I hate them. Big gingerbread man trying to kill me. What is that? It was scary. A gingerbread man??!!
Ridiculous. And the using dreams suck bad.
I thought I was clear of em. But they are hitting hard lately.
I dont know.
I can deal with the dreams. But I am so scared to talk to my dad. Ashamed to face him because of what I said maybe.
Just needed to get some things off my mind.
Thanks for reading.

I really want to go to a meeting too. But have no way to get to one. It is going to be at least another month before I get transportation. And that is just going to be stressful too. Because then I will have a way to get to the spot if I cave.
I dont plan on it.
I am just a nervous wreck anymore. I really am serious about recovery this time. I feel like if I relapse again. It is the end for me. I may not care anymore. Because I failed yet again. Or you never know. That might be the one time that takes me out somehow.
My luck is gone. I do fear that my time is up. That if I do relapse that somehting is going to happen and I wont make it out of thiat one.

Jomey

Hey Chiy - I am sorry that you are feeling so unsettled. It's alot to go through for anyone. I wish I had some words of advice that would make things easier for you. Since I don't, I will just say that I love you, and you are a good person, and as a parent, I would think that your dad would be delighted to hear that you love him, no matter has transpired between you in the past. You can tell him, and what he does with it after that is up to him. I'll I can suggest is that you pray for some guidance on the best time, place and way to approach your dad. I will pray for you too. Stay close here, honey. Love, Jomey

Impurrfect

(((Chiy))))

I don't know the situation between you and your dad, so can't offer advice on that. I just wanted you to send you hugs and prayers. I hate that your struggling, but when I look back at all the hard times I've gone through in my life, it those times that I realize I grew the most. There's no easy way around feelings except through them. Using just prolongs things and makes them worse.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

bonsai12

I had this one dream about my EX girlfriend constantly for the last three years, same dream over and over. Over the last 6 months I’ve had these dreams about her 3-4 times a week. I finally made an amends to her and the dreams stopped. Maybe that Gingerbread man is somehow your father but I’m no dream specialist. I went to AA got a sponsor, went through the steps in the BB and my life no longer has issues like the ones you described, nothing changes if nothing changes. I gave it six months, gave it every thing, 30-30-60-60-90-90, sponsor, steps, BB and now I’m passing it on.

I don’t fear relapse anymore, I don’t fear booze or drugs, I still fear people sometimes but the more I am able to look the world in the eye guilt free my fear has gotten easier to deal with. What do you have to loose six months of your life, you've already lost that. Give it a shot if it doesnt work you can go back to being miserable...

Alive

Jomey said it so well. It's really what you need to say and then after you do it's no more up to you. The fact you're willing to apologize is an act of courage and a proof you want to build up your life. There are gonna be some tough moments so there's gotta be something you hold on to, when you're really down. I say keep holding on to your family and most important to You. Don't let there be another time. You deserve the best life you can get. Life is hard, but we can make ourselves happier just by taking care of ourselves.