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I feel like I'm being tested....

Old 01-09-2008, 06:32 PM
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I feel like I'm being tested....

I've been sober for 42 days today, and I'm posting this in hopes that people can relate and give some advice on my current situation. I go to AA 1-2 times daily and I have a sponsor, and these past two days have been the absolute hardest days yet. The emotional turmoil I am experiencing is crazy, I really want to be drunk just because I don't want to feel like this anymore. I have thoughts like "if this is what I can look forward to I should just go back drinking". I have been told at AA that this is typically a very difficult time for a lot of people, I guess I am one of them. I also go back and forth thinking I don't want this sobriety thing anymore, I just want to get drunk and escape. I also keep doubting myself and saying I can't do this. My head is spinning and I almost feel like I am going crazy.

I have been having drunk dreams 3-4 times weekly, and they seem to be an indicator of a hard day to come, or at least more cravings and bad thoughts of self-doubt. I have brought this topic up with my sponsor and he keeps telling me that I'm doing great, and this is completely normal for someone with only 42 days and 99% of people in AA went through the same thing. I was also told that this is why people say they don't have another "sobering up" in them, was because of these times that I am going through right now. People have said that getting through times like these are why they don't think they could do it again if they chose to go back out. Who knows? I really have no idea what I'm doing and I will admit that.


I guess I have to take my sponsor's word and believe that this WILL get better, but I am reaching out hoping people can share their experience when they were in my shoes and tell me what happened. I think I'm really scared, and I don't know what to do. I will say that if I wasn't going to meetings I would be drunk right now, but I'm not drunk, just feeling scatterbrained and scared.

I'm not going to drink, but I sure as hell don't want to have to feel like this for much longer.
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Old 01-09-2008, 06:54 PM
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Hi User Name,

It will get better for you.

I was quite miserable early in recovery too. I had regrets, guilt, and shame to deal with and I needed to figure out what my life was all about. In fact, I was still feeling bouts of guilt, two years later and a lovely lady from SR suggested journalling. I really didn't want to write down my feelings and see the words in front of me, but I began. And, it helped so much to get things out.

And, yes my sobering up at that time has made me believe I never want to do it again. It will get better and you don't have to feel like this again.
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Old 01-09-2008, 07:03 PM
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User Name,

As a newcomer, I'm still in a place of looking up to you and what you've accomplished over the past forty-two days.
That said, I think Anna's got a great idea there-- journaling has helped me tremendously during the times I've managed to stay sober. I'd encourage you to stay tenacious, and to know that like all things, these feelings too will pass.

Best wishes to you! Stay strong, and all that stirs <i>will</i> eventually settle. If it didn't, I don't believe ANYONE would EVER achieve sobriety! Let the fact that many others have succeeded from the place(s) we're at serve as proof that things will get better.

All the best,

B'sT
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Old 01-09-2008, 07:21 PM
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Wow, I'm too early to be of any real help, just wanted to give you a big hug. You're doing so well and it sucks that you're miserable.
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Old 01-09-2008, 07:28 PM
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42 days

User-Name,

I can very much relate to your post. I have 125 days - also my first time in recovery - and at day 42 I felt like a crazy person far more than I thought I should for someone who had 42 days.

In fact, at 125 days I still feel too crazy for where I think I "should" be, but I have noticed that the crazy times are becoming fewer and further between.

This past Monday, for example, I was looking forward to getting back to work and putting the holidays behind me. I showed up at work and for no reason at all suddenly fell into a deep "oh ****" depression alternating with extreme anxiety about how I was feeling. On top of that I felt out of control because I couldn't think of anything to do about how I was feeling that would have made the feeling go away. I felt, in a word, truly hopeless. That word is overused in our culture but that is exactly what it was.

So I got into my car, drove for 15 minutes in no particular direction, and finally called my sponsor. He essentially laughed at me and told me to go back to work and act "as if." I wanted to tell him "**** you" but soon found myself laughing as well. I did just as he said and my day improved remarkably by 5pm (even though nothing about my circumstances had changed) and the past two days have been two of the best I remember.

This sounds like an old AA cliche, but I am coming to believe that much of this random misery happens to me when I start to take over the steering wheel from the higher power and my mind starts going with the control/obsession thing. Letting go and turning it over (also cliches) are becoming the daily medicine I much accept and embrace.

Also, it's a good idea to read up on PAWS, which is the withdrawal that most alcoholics go through in early sobriety. It's not exactly the same as detox withdrawal, but I've learned it can be just as painful and is a major obstacle for a lot of people to remaining sober.

-Michael:ghug3
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Old 01-09-2008, 07:42 PM
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Hi and sorry to hear you are having a hard time.

When I was in a long term treatment years ago. They told me dreams are just your mind getting rid of the crap in your head. They said that is why some people that drink all the time are stressed because you don't sleep right. A person that is drunk does not go into a deep sleep. And you need to get that deep sleep to dream. Said that is why some alcoholics cannot fuction well.

I hope you will see the good side of sobrity. It is so worth it.
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Old 01-09-2008, 07:57 PM
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Don't give up!!! The best is yet to come!!! It was hard for me in the beginning also, dreams, feeling hopeless/helpless, mood swings, you name it. I was drinking so heavy for so long, it took my body and mind some time to get back on track...it will get easier, please don't give up and don't give in to the disease.

Cathy
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Old 01-09-2008, 09:21 PM
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Well...
I did not get my mind and body balanced
until 3 or so months sober.

I too found journeling useful
and prayer helped me stay calm.

Yes...laugh when you can ...
cry when you need to.

Congratulations on your progress
despite the discomfort.
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Old 01-10-2008, 05:11 AM
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Hi User,

I've had days like you are describing. Do you pray to your HP? I always start the day with one, and it is a big help to me throughout the day.

If you would've asked me maybe three months ago "does praying to your HP help you" I would've laughed in your face. But, really, it works. Call it whatever you will, meditation, pray, quiet time, give it a shot and see if it calms your mind.

Hang in there!

Karen
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Old 01-10-2008, 05:19 AM
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UN, you will be ok... trust!

for me, i worked the steps as fast as my sponser would let me...

i got to learn to know me, and my alcoholism...

i read this, and it helped put me on another level of recovery...

perhaps, it may help you!


"The Busload in my brain!"

you know how people say they have a committee in their head? With most of us its just a couple of voices, arguing periodically for control. With me, i've got a busload of defects, driving clown-style, willy-nilly down the road of life! All of them: pride, impatience, arrogance, apathy, prejudice, deceit, fear, self-centeredness, self-righteousness, self-loathing, possessivness, close-mindedness, hatred, control, egotism, rage, lust, paranoia, and insecurity, just to name a few. Each of them constantly clamoring to be in the drivers seat! It's a constant struggle, full of chaos. With me screaming every now and then, "I'll turn this bus right around!" In a seat by itself sits addiction. And while all of the others scream and carry on, addiction sits quietly, patiently, because he knows that as soon as any of theese others win a temporary victory, he'll be the one realy driving!

good wishes UN

a careing alk'y

rz
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Old 01-10-2008, 05:22 AM
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There are hard days ahaid, but what is taking a drink over them going to help. You are on the road to a better life. One day at a time is all we have. I too hate those drunk dreams, but I try to look positively apon them. They remind me of all the pain, and remorse that goes along with drinking, but I do not have to live with the aftermath. I hope you get to feeling better.
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Old 01-10-2008, 06:29 AM
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Checking in to say that today I am feeling better. I think some of what I am experiencing is being very tired from work. January happens to be our busiest month and I am really being pushed. I slept for a solid 8 hours last night, woke up this AM and prayed for help. I'm glad I didn't drink over the way I felt, but I sure wanted to.

I have never felt like this before, and I honestly don't know what I am doing. I keep asking people at AA if this is normal, they probably know what I am going to ask them before I say it. I just hope and pray that this will soon be behind me.

Also, 43 days ago if you told me I would be praying daily I would have called you crazy. It really truly helps me to feel better, and to relax a little bit. This is not something I ever would have done when I was drinking.
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Old 01-10-2008, 11:14 AM
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I think anything you're going through as an alcoholic in early recovery is "normal". I used to want to smack my sponsor everytime she would say, "This, too, shall pass." Or, the one that really drove me up the wall, "Give time time." Just know that it won't last forever. As alcoholics, we're not very strong on patience, it's true; but, hang in there...and, keep going to those AA meetings!
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Old 01-10-2008, 11:48 AM
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Wow - those two things, dreams and going out, were both topics at my meeting last night.
Two things from that meeting. One guy, Rob, with 2 yrs sobriety said that lately he's been having really vivid dreams about being drunk. So real that he would wake up fearing that he had to reset his sobriety date, that he'd got drunk and blacked out, only to realize it was only a dream. He said it scared him enough to keep him sober for that day.
More than a few people could relate to what he said.

Unfortunately, a couple of shares centered on members who had gone out of the program and were not doing well.
Paul, a member with 17 yrs of sobriety, said this of the members that had left the program, "we can't help them, I can't help them, and I need to focus on my own sobriety because I know I have quite a few drunks left in me but I don't know if I have another sober left in me."

That statement was one of the most powerful things I have heard yet in an AA meeting and I'll try to remember it everytime I think of drinking.
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Old 01-10-2008, 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Jersey Nonny View Post
I think anything you're going through as an alcoholic in early recovery is "normal". I used to want to smack my sponsor everytime she would say, "This, too, shall pass." Or, the one that really drove me up the wall, "Give time time." Just know that it won't last forever. As alcoholics, we're not very strong on patience, it's true; but, hang in there...and, keep going to those AA meetings!
You forgot the biggest one of all "You are right where you are supposed to be." That one got under my skin everytime I heard it but in retrospect I would not be where I am today if I hadn't gone through what I did yesterday. So I am grateful.
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Old 01-10-2008, 12:01 PM
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Hmmmn...how about, "Keep your head where your feet are"? Another winner!!!
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Old 01-10-2008, 10:32 PM
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UN -
Conratulations! You get my first post on forums!
I'm glad to read that you're feeling better and continuing with your path. I won't pretend to have words of wisdom or answers to life's questions. I will say that you should take comfort (or at least pride in yourself) from knowing that your tribulations serve as knowledge (which = power) and inspiration to those who follow in your footsteps. In this post alone, I can see that people can progress and better themselves.

I would also like to suggest the following:
We all know that music and other sensory reactions (smells, etc) can trigger certain memories. Perhaps you could find music that reminds you of good (non-contaminated) times of your life...or even music that inspires you to achieve good times in your life. You could then evelop yourself in that sound and reflect on your accomplishments.

It may not work for you, but it may be worth a shot. I know sensory reactors work for me alot.

I hope for your continued success, and suspect I'll see great results from your continued communications with those that care for your progress.
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Old 01-10-2008, 10:59 PM
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Man, these posts about the dreams are hitting home to me as well. I've dreamed that I was drinking the last two nights. It does remind me of how bad I felt while I was drinking. Waking up and thinking that you lost your mind and ruined your sobriety is a terrible feeling. I've only been sober 9 days and I would give anything to be at 42 with you User. Just keep on keepin on man. Your doing so well!
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Old 01-10-2008, 11:21 PM
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Hang in - it's going to get better.

Some of it sounds like 'old habit' stuff coming into play -
the 'oh! that's a feeling - quick get something to numb it!'

One thing that helped me was- to remember ....

You are not your emotions.
You FEEL your emotions.
You are not your habits ...
your habits ... perform for you.
You are not your thoughts -
you are the THINKER of your thoughts.

I dunno. helped me.

At 47-49 days - there's a lot going on.
The pink cloud is fading.
The body is trying to heal up.
Stored toxins are skwirting out all over that have been stored for months or even years.
A system that's been sedated - is trying to run itself after however long being controlled by an outside substance.

Good for you hanging in!

Keep talking to yer sponsor - it's SO worth it.

It DOES get better.
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Old 01-11-2008, 01:39 AM
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Only an alcoholic would choose to return to the hell they know ...

for fear of a heaven they don't know.
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