StayinAlive

for me things didn't start leveling out till around day 40. But today i was so agitated and bitchy. It was bad, maybe just the pressures at work but i was not coping very well today. Must be going around with the flu. Tomorrow is another day. yoll(thats yanki for you all)

I know about the shame and guilt i felt, for the pain i have caused to the ones i love. Step 5 and 8 really help when the time is right. Trying to put an apology in words to try to cover the harm i have caused was so hard for me, but it really started the healing process. A true amends takes action and time.

welcome to all the newcomers

here is to another 24 (hrs)

trakin

Hi folks --

Day 15 for me.

nodrinkingzone

Well done all the folks who made it through the 2 weeks thread - congrats! You're all doing really well. trakin, mayorob1 and Dan Dare - I'll send you all a good thought before bed, you're on the right path. Keep it going, don't lose strength.

I had a crappy day today too, not sick but didn't sleep very well last night and basically didn't have the best day as far as work goes.

I did go for a run, bought a new computer (wooohooo! Brand new Dell XPS420 kick-assssssss machine coming soon), got my first organic fruit + veg delivery for the year, returned dvd's, made awesome salad for lunch and worked, so I feel like I've done enough.

Just relaxing at the moment, trying to unwind, have started going through the process of registering/enrolling for uni this year (there are so many separate components to my degree that the admin is half the battle haha) and thinking about an early night so that I can get to the gym early.

gravity, I've been going through the exact same thing. All the ****** things I did to a bunch of people that actually thought I was their friend. Man, I've been awful. Again, I think it's the selfish, insidious nature of addiction, and I am starting to think it is the pure incarnation of evil (or at the very least, a lack of good/love/positive energy).

All of this has brought me, not for the first time in my life, to the brink of what I can only think of as spiritual faith (which is far less scary than it has been ever before). Since I am unable to personify my experience with the universe as 'Jesus' or 'God' due to a lack of belief and education in religious doctrine, I feel free to develop these ideas with an open mind, and without restraint from dogmatic principles. It's very exciting, and it feels good to be alive (even when having a bad day at work :rof). It's something I've been thinking about for many, many years (usually stoned haha).

I remember reading that J.R.R. Tolkien became 'the most reluctant convert on Earth', because he just could not deny divinity any more. This is a man who I admire very much, a serious academic linguist and scholar, an educated and informed man who simply could not fight against the divine nature of the universe any more.



Anyway, I'm rambling again so I think it's off to bed with a book for me, and a great day/night to the rest of you. You're all in my thoughts.

trakin

Thanks, NDZ!

Wow...you're getting ready to hit the sack in Australia...and I'm getting ready for work...6:54 in the morning here...I'm jealous...

If you are interested in pursuing your lines of thought about spirituality, you might want to pick up a copy of Gary Zukav's Seat of the Soul. It's a book I read several years ago, and I was interested that a few people recommended it, in the thread about alternatives to AA, as a book that helped them overcome addiction.

Before writing the book, Zukav was a Harvard Physicist. His first book was called The Dancing Wu Li Masters. It was written to help the lay-person understand quantum physics and was described by one reviewer as "the most exciting adventure of the mind since Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance."

Here's a quote I like from that book:

“Reality is what we take to be true. What we take to be true is what we believe. What we believe is based upon our perceptions. What we perceive depends upon what we look for. What we look for depends upon what we think. What we think depends upon what we perceive. What we perceive determines what we believe. What we believe determines what we take to be true. what we take to be true is our reality.”

Sweet dreams...

Trakin

timetogiveitup

That's a quality quote Trakin, I like it a lot

Omega Man

Wecome Trakin - you made it, 2+ weeks! Big accomplishment in my book, glad your here with us, I enjoy your posts and insight.

Pssss - stay away from Mayo & Dan - they have germs!

mayorob1

Thanks Omega,

I am going to make it!!! and below is why I feel this is it.

I started drinking when I was 15 yrs old, and then through high school was a party animal.

In 1995 I quit drinking for over a year and then started again. Had made a career change.

I have never felt so committed to anything other than my family as my goal to not drink. And this time around in my mind I truly believe I just want to be sober and enjoy my life.

Maybe I am finally getting it, even though sometimes I don't exactly know what it is.

Hope everyone is having a great 2008 so far and hang in there all, you all



Regards

Rob (this is my name among friends)

mayorob1

The flu doesn't pass over the internet Omega, even a yankee would know that eh

Just kidding

mayorob1

Thanks for this post,

I have some people that need my opoligies as well, but I feel that I need to be sober for a while for them to accept my opoligies

Does this make sense, to prove myself first?

So I continue on!!!

Thanks

Rob

nodrinkingzone

Thanks trakin... all I can say is YES. That is exactly what I'm into!

I have been reading about lay-person's quantum physics for a long time now, and I think this has had a lot to do with how my belief system has evolved, but I will certainly have a look for that Zukav book - I think I'll check amazon.com right now.

I would also recommend Fred Alan Wolf's "Parallel Universes", which I found pretty easy to read, and of course "What The Bleep Do We Know?", one of the most incredible dvd's I've ever seen (far better than "The Secret").

Thanks so much, and now that I'm getting ready to head out for the morning - sweet dreams yourself!

Day 25, here we go...


Rob, I feel exactly the same way - I just want to get myself sorted out so that the apologies I make are sincere, and I am able to give them wholly and completely. I have made so many excuses before, and I don't want people to just go 'oh yeah, again with another apology, you'll be back to the same crap in a couple of weeks'.

I feel like I'm proving the point to myself, which is very important at the moment.

Cheers people, havagoodone

trakin

Thanks NDZ -- I'm definitely going to check out the book and DVD you recommended. I looked up the DVD on Amazon...sounds really ineresting!

Have a happy day 25!

Dan Dare

Took my girl out to dinner tonite. There was a seafood special at this Italian place in the neighborhood.
"Complimentary wine with dinner". Oh, no....

I drank water. We both had raised eyebrows...
Looks like I'll make it to 16... I think the longest I have gone since I started drinking back in 1912..... Hah.

Keep it up people! Keep it real.

Peace.

gravity

Wanted to let everyone know that their posts regarding making it up to people we have hurt with our drinking really meant so much. I have been traveling/working most of the day (away from a computer) but checked the thread this AM before I left home and it really set the tone for the day. Awesome!

gravity

I really like your open minded approach to spiritual faith. Mine is really basic. The memories of my late father and the love my kids feel for me have given me the strength to overcome many obstacles. I also believe in a Creator in an undefined way (it's not really up to me to define). In addition, I do get strength that I wouldn't have otherwise had from other SR and AA members. Put it all together and it can be quite powerful!

I had a really good day thinking about my 'higher power' and accepting that I control very little of what goes on around me (in a spiritual sense and that I can't control other people). Had minimal anxiety today, just accepted life's little bumps and focused on doing what I could do and doing my best. It would be nice if I could just do this all the time!

This is the first time I have used a serious spiritual approach (among other 'weapons') to address my alcoholism. I really think I'm past that 'I can do everything on my own' phase (took long enough ).

gravity

Hi Rob,

This makes perfect sense. For me, it's pointless to say I'm sorry if I keep getting drunk and hurting people I love. Given my history, this is what is pretty much expected. Nobody wants another BS 'I'm sorry' from me. Actions speak louder than words is the appropriate cliche. All I can do is my best to be a good husband, dad, employee, friend. The forgiveness will come in time.

I can't really promise much anyway - just that I am doing all I can to stay sober one day at a time. In a way, I guess I'll be making amends one day at a time as well!

gravity

Good work Dan! It can be so tough when the alcohol is basically 'in your face'.

Twice today while walking with colleagues past bars, I was asked if I wanted to go in for a drink. I had absolutely no urge to drink or discomfort in saying no. Un-f***ing-believable! Something seems to be working!

curliQ

I'm amazed how many of you have people, family members, friends, who pressure you to drink. That would be so hard to resist and not feel like you're letting them down. You should all puff up your shoulders every time you do.

gravity

Those who ask me to drink are people who either don't know how dangerous it is for me to have a drink or just want someone to get drunk with and couldn't care less about me. Yesterday, the individuals who asked me if I wanted to go for a drink fit in the first category.

My 'inconsistent' drinking history plays into this is well. Heavy drinker, moderate drinker, abstainer...anybody's guess at any given time. I can't bring myself to be honest with people (I don't drink) and usually make an excuse (have to change this). I don't really feel like I let them down for refusing (I used to feel bad - what will they think of me? That I don't like them?) as I know saying yes will be letting down the most important people in my life. Only the closest people to me know how serious my alcoholism is (even they don't fully understand) and would, I hope, never ask me to go for a drink.

My biggest fear is that I will be asked when my guard is down - not focused on sobriety, feeling really good (excited, cocky) or bad (stressed, lonely). I can only pray that I am strong enough to do the right thing especially when I am so early in sobriety and my recovery plan.

It really is a victory when we successfully get through these situations - thanks for the reminder!. A person without an alcohol problem might see it as no big deal but we know different.

nodrinkingzone

I agree, Curly... and makes me feel really lucky that my family and friends have been supportive and not tempted me at all. And gravity, I hear that - when we're feeling good is just as bad (if not worse!) than when we're down - I used to drink to party, before playing gigs, after work, on the weekends, sometimes for breakfast... not to drown my sorrows, but to feel good.

Day 26 people, how are you all doing? It's a gorgeous day here in Australia, 25C ish and enough breeze to make you feel alive. Went for a run first thing, eating brekkie at the moment, and meeting up with a mate for lunch before work.

I have been feeling really strong about my sobriety, and have been trying to adjust my thinking to that of "this is for life".

I cannot drink again, ever. Not even one. gravity? Omega? StayinAlive? CurliQ? Rob? It's long time, never...

I have been in good form at work, I have a deranged sense of humour that has been in full swing lately, and although my results are down, I'm just getting on with it for the moment. I am a little bit nervous about today, because we have a tasting every Friday for new wine that comes into stock, but I told my boss and she's alright with me not participating.

We do have a spit policy, and she asked if I would be comfortable putting a bit in my mouth, swishing it and spitting it out, and I just said "nope, I can't do it - I get thirsty" and she laughed and said so long as I keep selling the stuff, she doesn't care.

Managers, hmph!

While I'm still battling very mild anxiety, shame and remorse, I guess I just want to continue with life as a sober person for the moment - the time to deal with that will happen when it does. I've also started reading the (little) Big Book, which I think is missing all of the personal stories (?). Anyway I read Bill's story last night before bed, and that was pretty inspiring.

I think the steps are there for me when I get more established in my local meeting (once a week) and start meeting some people, I'm quite happy to just cruise along at the moment.

The other thing I've noticed is that I put on quite a bit of bravado, and false confidence, which I use as humour, where it's quite obvious I'm not that immodest or loud. I know I have a gentle core, and I'd like to strip away all that other crap, but it's my personality - maybe this is where the real personal and spiritula develoment begins, in addressing all of those things we don't like or want to change about ourselves.

I know that the 12-step method advocates asking humbly that they be removed from us by our HP, but we can't do this until we know what they are - is this right? (I guess it changes from person to person, sponsor to sponsor?)

Anyway, hope you all have a great day, no matter where you're at, and keep sober and safe just for today.

ndz


PS trakin - had a look for Gary Zukav's book on the 'net, they'll sell it to me from the US for 0.01c - but it costs $15 for postage! Australian sites have it around the $22 mark, so next pay I'm gonna order myself a copy, thanks for the recommendation.

mayorob1

Thanks NDZ,

I have been really fortunate to this point, haven't been put in any situations, my wife will have the odd glass of wine, a glass or two a week and there is alcohol in the house but I just have no will to drink it.

Thanks for your post,

Rob