HORRENDOUS depression
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 24
HORRENDOUS depression
I guess this is the right place to put this, though I didn't want to be all arrogant with my own thread.
BACKGROUND: I'm 25, been drinking 12-18 per day for 3-4 years. Started with a 6-pack, then another 6-pack the next night, and boredom mixed with fun and I just did it every night. Went from good beer to worse beer to dirt cheap beer to hard liquor as I needed more and needed faster. About 18 months ago I checked myself into detox as I had digressed into a 2-month long hard liquor bender. After 3 days I left, saying I hated liquor. Of course 30 days later at home I was thinking how good a 6 pack would be and guess what happened? Entire cycle again with a couple tweaks. Never touched hard liquor again and I quit drinking on Sunday and Monday (I guess to stupidly convince myself I had control) and a couple times into Tuesday or Wednesday if I was feeling especially good.
NOW: 2nd night, it's 6am and no way I can sleep. It's the absolute worst depression of my life, I've cried twice in the last 15 years and now I've cried for hours the last two days. But I know it's just depression and that helps me fight my brain. No other symptoms really, eating okay, no paranoia, drinking tons of water, no want for alcohol. Just can't sleep and feel I'm a lonely pathetic piece of crap loser with no friends, family, or anyone that cares about me.
Again, horrible depression. It's just mindblowing to me. I'm fine all day and the last two days at like 8pm - (whatever godawful time I get to sleep) it's just cry, cry, cry, cry.
I think in a way it's good, I've never done this before despite quitting 2-3 days all the time. I think I'm fully convinced there is no "well I can't sleep so I'll drink" or "If I go 6 days I'll reward myself on Saturday!" I know this it and I'm having to face everything and accept the future.
Seriously thinking about going to my first ever AA meeting tomorrow. My only problem is my only non-alcoholic actual problem is I have severe social anxiety disorder and being in a room full of people would make me freak out even before any of this. I'd love to just have a one-on-one with a sponsor but I'm not sure how that works.
If anyone made it this far, thanks. I'm doing it this time come hell or high water.
BACKGROUND: I'm 25, been drinking 12-18 per day for 3-4 years. Started with a 6-pack, then another 6-pack the next night, and boredom mixed with fun and I just did it every night. Went from good beer to worse beer to dirt cheap beer to hard liquor as I needed more and needed faster. About 18 months ago I checked myself into detox as I had digressed into a 2-month long hard liquor bender. After 3 days I left, saying I hated liquor. Of course 30 days later at home I was thinking how good a 6 pack would be and guess what happened? Entire cycle again with a couple tweaks. Never touched hard liquor again and I quit drinking on Sunday and Monday (I guess to stupidly convince myself I had control) and a couple times into Tuesday or Wednesday if I was feeling especially good.
NOW: 2nd night, it's 6am and no way I can sleep. It's the absolute worst depression of my life, I've cried twice in the last 15 years and now I've cried for hours the last two days. But I know it's just depression and that helps me fight my brain. No other symptoms really, eating okay, no paranoia, drinking tons of water, no want for alcohol. Just can't sleep and feel I'm a lonely pathetic piece of crap loser with no friends, family, or anyone that cares about me.
Again, horrible depression. It's just mindblowing to me. I'm fine all day and the last two days at like 8pm - (whatever godawful time I get to sleep) it's just cry, cry, cry, cry.
I think in a way it's good, I've never done this before despite quitting 2-3 days all the time. I think I'm fully convinced there is no "well I can't sleep so I'll drink" or "If I go 6 days I'll reward myself on Saturday!" I know this it and I'm having to face everything and accept the future.
Seriously thinking about going to my first ever AA meeting tomorrow. My only problem is my only non-alcoholic actual problem is I have severe social anxiety disorder and being in a room full of people would make me freak out even before any of this. I'd love to just have a one-on-one with a sponsor but I'm not sure how that works.
If anyone made it this far, thanks. I'm doing it this time come hell or high water.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 24
Oh and the reasons I set this date and even in my worst sleep-deprived, depressed I'm still 100% sure of it are:
- I woke up and realized my age. I see people 2 and 3 years younger than me here and think if they keep going they'll be my age. The same way I'm sure older people here see that and think how they used to be that young. I'm just going to keep drinking myself older with no improvement in my life. I want to go back and finish college, have a good relationship, be a normal person. If I give up on this I'll wake up the next time I try and I'll be 29. Then 33. Then....
- Health problems. The normal ones mixed with some signs of liver problems plus some weird red veins all around my waist I can't even find online. Plus I put on 40 pounds and I used to be rather cute.
- Driven away friends and family. Not out of drunkenness, I hide that well, but out of never going anywhere or doing anything. Want to hang out tonight? Well I want to drink 20 beers so, "no, I'm not feeling up to it. Have fun." Several years of that answer and people just stop asking.
Hence the depression, I'd love some company but my friends are all busy and I don't have plans until the weekend. Gonna be a long 2 or 3 days. I'm ever running out of shows on my tivo.
- I woke up and realized my age. I see people 2 and 3 years younger than me here and think if they keep going they'll be my age. The same way I'm sure older people here see that and think how they used to be that young. I'm just going to keep drinking myself older with no improvement in my life. I want to go back and finish college, have a good relationship, be a normal person. If I give up on this I'll wake up the next time I try and I'll be 29. Then 33. Then....
- Health problems. The normal ones mixed with some signs of liver problems plus some weird red veins all around my waist I can't even find online. Plus I put on 40 pounds and I used to be rather cute.
- Driven away friends and family. Not out of drunkenness, I hide that well, but out of never going anywhere or doing anything. Want to hang out tonight? Well I want to drink 20 beers so, "no, I'm not feeling up to it. Have fun." Several years of that answer and people just stop asking.
Hence the depression, I'd love some company but my friends are all busy and I don't have plans until the weekend. Gonna be a long 2 or 3 days. I'm ever running out of shows on my tivo.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
hi crutch!
I can't say quickly enough about the whole detoxing under medical supervision... and I truly hope you're seeing/have seen/will see a doctor.
That said ... being one that convusled when detoxing ...
The whole system goes 'tilt' when we come off alcohol.
One of the jokes I heard a speaker tape say was the reason psychiatrists won't look at us the first year of sobriety is because an alcoholic will display every symptom for every medical conditon known to man!
I'm here to say it's not THAT ... big of a joke.
Go ahead and cry.
You're healing.
And please post again and tell us what your plan for sobriety is.
We're into that stuff.
I can't say quickly enough about the whole detoxing under medical supervision... and I truly hope you're seeing/have seen/will see a doctor.
That said ... being one that convusled when detoxing ...
The whole system goes 'tilt' when we come off alcohol.
One of the jokes I heard a speaker tape say was the reason psychiatrists won't look at us the first year of sobriety is because an alcoholic will display every symptom for every medical conditon known to man!
I'm here to say it's not THAT ... big of a joke.
Go ahead and cry.
You're healing.
And please post again and tell us what your plan for sobriety is.
We're into that stuff.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 24
Thanks.
This is going to be my second real detox (over a week) in 4 years. The first one I knew would be really bad and I went right to an ER and into a detox program. This one I don't think will be nearly as bad.
And I have the unfortunate task of living in the middle of nowhere. You see this was great for my drinking as no one I know lives less than an hour away and I work from home. Now there isn't an AA meeting (would be my first ever) for over 30 miles and there are only like two doctors in this awful town and something tells me I couldn't get in for a visit tomorrow.
One thing I'm digging the depression for is I'm taking the time to write out everything I'm feeling about how awful everything is so I think I'll hang that somewhere if I ever get the urge to grab another drink.
This is going to be my second real detox (over a week) in 4 years. The first one I knew would be really bad and I went right to an ER and into a detox program. This one I don't think will be nearly as bad.
And I have the unfortunate task of living in the middle of nowhere. You see this was great for my drinking as no one I know lives less than an hour away and I work from home. Now there isn't an AA meeting (would be my first ever) for over 30 miles and there are only like two doctors in this awful town and something tells me I couldn't get in for a visit tomorrow.
One thing I'm digging the depression for is I'm taking the time to write out everything I'm feeling about how awful everything is so I think I'll hang that somewhere if I ever get the urge to grab another drink.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: ireland
Posts: 169
crutch ive been through every emotion you are going though
the depression can as barb said an effect of you coming of the alcohol,
this is quite normal, cry as much as you need i found it helped me too
as for the social phobia, i got that from doing exactly as you done, isolating myself from everyone in order to drink. i found the best way to overcome social situations, was to Face it head on.
i couldnt emphasise more for you to get to a meeting, you will be in likewise company, and you dont need to talk if you dont feel up to it. i was never one to advocate AA, but i gave it a go (nothing to lose) and it was the best thing i have ever done.
im still a novice at the sobriety thing, but with the support and advice from the board here, and AA, im getting there
find a number in the phone book, tell them that you are anxious and take it from there
hope this helps, and please keep posting, there is always someone on here for you:ghug3
the depression can as barb said an effect of you coming of the alcohol,
this is quite normal, cry as much as you need i found it helped me too
as for the social phobia, i got that from doing exactly as you done, isolating myself from everyone in order to drink. i found the best way to overcome social situations, was to Face it head on.
i couldnt emphasise more for you to get to a meeting, you will be in likewise company, and you dont need to talk if you dont feel up to it. i was never one to advocate AA, but i gave it a go (nothing to lose) and it was the best thing i have ever done.
im still a novice at the sobriety thing, but with the support and advice from the board here, and AA, im getting there
find a number in the phone book, tell them that you are anxious and take it from there
hope this helps, and please keep posting, there is always someone on here for you:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 24
Great idea to call a number and talk about it with them. Actually after clicking a link of a link of a link of a link I found one at a small church tonight. I'll give them a call when they're open at a normal hour today.
And as a side note, I always had the social phobia. The social phobia led to the drinking, not vice versa. I never was accepted a party invitation, even going to the mall or supermarket was always like something I prepared all day for. That's what led to discovered how much fun sitting at home and drinking alone was (at first). Now I'm sure it's only worse but it's certainly not a cause of the alcohol.
Again, thanks for the advice. I will certainly take that.
And as a side note, I always had the social phobia. The social phobia led to the drinking, not vice versa. I never was accepted a party invitation, even going to the mall or supermarket was always like something I prepared all day for. That's what led to discovered how much fun sitting at home and drinking alone was (at first). Now I'm sure it's only worse but it's certainly not a cause of the alcohol.
Again, thanks for the advice. I will certainly take that.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Crutch just a suggestion due to the social anxiety, go to the meeting like 20 minutes early, the coffee maker/setup person will be there, that way you can start off one on one and that may make things a bit easier. Or you could call the AA hot line in your area and maybe arrange to meet someone at the meeting, that way it will be a little more comfortable meeting some one there you have spoken to.
Keep in mind there are no rules in AA, many meetings will ask newcomers and visitors to introduce them selfs by thier first names just to where people can get to know you.
Well since there are no rules you can just sit right there and not say a word, trust me, plenty of new comers are so nervous they do not introduce them selfs, you will not be the first and you will not be the last.
I can add another thing, there is not one single person who went to their first AA meeting excited, at a minimum they are nervous, I know I was, some are scared crapless!! No one ever was a kid and thought "Man I want to grow up and be an alcoholic!", but there are a ton of us around, we did not choose it, it was the hand dealt to us and if we wnat to live we need to figure out how to play that hand.
The hand of alcoholism is a tough hand to play, for the vast majority of us we can not figure out how to play it and live with out help from other alcoholics who had other alcoholics show them how they have played the hand dealt to them.
There is no reason to try and go it alone, I did for the last 10 years of my drinking and I went bust every time, it was not until I went to AA and let other alcoholics who knew how to play the hand dealt to them share with me how to play that hand that I have become a winner! Funny thing how I discovered in AA the quickest way to become a winner is to surrender....... Why because when one surrenders they surrender to the winning side resulting in them becoming a winner as well.
The only time I feel totally at ease is in an AA meeting, it is the only place I go where every person there understands me and accepts me.... warts and all! Why? Because they have walked the same path I have walked, they have been in that hole and they have found the way out and love nothing more then to show others how to climb out of that hole and learn to live life on lifes terms sober and free!
Keep in mind there are no rules in AA, many meetings will ask newcomers and visitors to introduce them selfs by thier first names just to where people can get to know you.
Well since there are no rules you can just sit right there and not say a word, trust me, plenty of new comers are so nervous they do not introduce them selfs, you will not be the first and you will not be the last.
I can add another thing, there is not one single person who went to their first AA meeting excited, at a minimum they are nervous, I know I was, some are scared crapless!! No one ever was a kid and thought "Man I want to grow up and be an alcoholic!", but there are a ton of us around, we did not choose it, it was the hand dealt to us and if we wnat to live we need to figure out how to play that hand.
The hand of alcoholism is a tough hand to play, for the vast majority of us we can not figure out how to play it and live with out help from other alcoholics who had other alcoholics show them how they have played the hand dealt to them.
There is no reason to try and go it alone, I did for the last 10 years of my drinking and I went bust every time, it was not until I went to AA and let other alcoholics who knew how to play the hand dealt to them share with me how to play that hand that I have become a winner! Funny thing how I discovered in AA the quickest way to become a winner is to surrender....... Why because when one surrenders they surrender to the winning side resulting in them becoming a winner as well.
The only time I feel totally at ease is in an AA meeting, it is the only place I go where every person there understands me and accepts me.... warts and all! Why? Because they have walked the same path I have walked, they have been in that hole and they have found the way out and love nothing more then to show others how to climb out of that hole and learn to live life on lifes terms sober and free!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by crutch0108 
Great idea to call a number and talk about it with them. Actually after clicking a link of a link of a link of a link I found one at a small church tonight. I'll give them a call when they're open at a normal hour today.
And as a side note, I always had the social phobia. The social phobia led to the drinking, not vice versa. I never was accepted a party invitation, even going to the mall or supermarket was always like something I prepared all day for. That's what led to discovered how much fun sitting at home and drinking alone was (at first). Now I'm sure it's only worse but it's certainly not a cause of the alcohol.
Again, thanks for the advice. I will certainly take that.
And as a side note, I always had the social phobia. The social phobia led to the drinking, not vice versa. I never was accepted a party invitation, even going to the mall or supermarket was always like something I prepared all day for. That's what led to discovered how much fun sitting at home and drinking alone was (at first). Now I'm sure it's only worse but it's certainly not a cause of the alcohol.
Again, thanks for the advice. I will certainly take that.
Dude, I have tremendous trouble going to the mall or grocery store. I'll get to the parking lot and turn around 2 out of 3 times. I have no idea why...
For me, the depression I believe is just something I'm going to go through periodically. "This too shall pass" is repeated many times in my head when I'm feeling like crap. For me, I have realized there isn't much I can do if I'm depressed except pray for relief and maybe quiet myself to try to bring some peace. As I get a better grasp of who I am I really think that trying to control everything is only going to hurt me, so many times I ride it out and I end up feeling better the next morning or in a few hours. Sometimes I go to bed in a very foul mood and wake up with a smile. I don't know why, early sobriety is a weird thing.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
early sobriety is a weird thing.
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Hi..
i won't play here. Depression almost killed me. God didn't want me to die. Or i wouldn't be here today. It's still hard, the difference is everyday i'm better. I made a personal choice that to keep living i would have to change my life forever.
It's a whole process. To be honest i have to tell you i had it for 7 years and only realized last year. It's a tough disease. I'll never forget telling a friend how this disease could kill a person so fast if the person let it.
Today i am blessed to have gone through it. I am a better man because of it. Believe that it's possible. Sometimes it just takes a whole life change.
Peace
For me i had to make the choice to get out of it. You can't snap out of it. But you can choose to choose yourself over anything not good for you. It's a hard choice, to let go of dwelling...I found I was worth of it....And you are too...
i won't play here. Depression almost killed me. God didn't want me to die. Or i wouldn't be here today. It's still hard, the difference is everyday i'm better. I made a personal choice that to keep living i would have to change my life forever.
It's a whole process. To be honest i have to tell you i had it for 7 years and only realized last year. It's a tough disease. I'll never forget telling a friend how this disease could kill a person so fast if the person let it.
Today i am blessed to have gone through it. I am a better man because of it. Believe that it's possible. Sometimes it just takes a whole life change.
Peace
For me i had to make the choice to get out of it. You can't snap out of it. But you can choose to choose yourself over anything not good for you. It's a hard choice, to let go of dwelling...I found I was worth of it....And you are too...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Hi Crutch,
It sounds like you're doing great.
I think you'd be surprised how many people feel awkward socially and use alcohol for that reason, and then it gets out of control. I still don't feel totally comfortable in social situations, but that's okay. I know it's far better to feel a little uncomfortable than to use a substance to make me feel better. And, truthfully I don't go out as much as I used to.
And, I relate to the isolation you talk about. I spent three years drinking and I gave up my activities one by one and my friends, one by one. I would always choose to stay home and drink rather than do anything with anyone. So, at the end, there was just me. But, there is so much hope and you can recover. You really can.
It sounds like you're doing great.
I think you'd be surprised how many people feel awkward socially and use alcohol for that reason, and then it gets out of control. I still don't feel totally comfortable in social situations, but that's okay. I know it's far better to feel a little uncomfortable than to use a substance to make me feel better. And, truthfully I don't go out as much as I used to.
And, I relate to the isolation you talk about. I spent three years drinking and I gave up my activities one by one and my friends, one by one. I would always choose to stay home and drink rather than do anything with anyone. So, at the end, there was just me. But, there is so much hope and you can recover. You really can.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi crutch .....Welcome!
I see you did figure out how to start a thread...Great!
I have no personal experience with social phobias
However...
my long term depression is why I started AA recovery.
Fortunately for me...it was situational depression
and it left around 3 months of sobriety.
Please keep us updated...we do understand
I see you did figure out how to start a thread...Great!
I have no personal experience with social phobias
However...
my long term depression is why I started AA recovery.
Fortunately for me...it was situational depression
and it left around 3 months of sobriety.
Please keep us updated...we do understand
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 24
One bonus of a social phobia is you wouldn't go to a bar for a drink. So in a state with no sale laws on Sunday that's like a free day where it's not an option.
And I had to cover the caucuses today so day 3 was easy enough, not in thinking about drinking but in keeping myself occupied and having no side effects. Now it's the fun fight with my old enemy bed.
Actually, bed tip. I've found a good way early isn't to force it but to watch tv and just close your eyes with no pressure during commercials. Then the first time you nod off head right to bed.
And I had to cover the caucuses today so day 3 was easy enough, not in thinking about drinking but in keeping myself occupied and having no side effects. Now it's the fun fight with my old enemy bed.
Actually, bed tip. I've found a good way early isn't to force it but to watch tv and just close your eyes with no pressure during commercials. Then the first time you nod off head right to bed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 24
BUMP
7th night, one week down. Only hard part is finding ways to fill the hours of the day I never had to fill before. Finally getting about 6 hours of sleep, though semi-choppy, and outside of kidney pain I'm a-ok. Nothing some cranberry juice and a hot shower can't fix.
Next goal, one month. I like the idea that you only do it because it's a pattern and people hate to break patterns. Once a month is gone that's a new pattern and it's normal and easy to stick to. In theory anyway.
7th night, one week down. Only hard part is finding ways to fill the hours of the day I never had to fill before. Finally getting about 6 hours of sleep, though semi-choppy, and outside of kidney pain I'm a-ok. Nothing some cranberry juice and a hot shower can't fix.
Next goal, one month. I like the idea that you only do it because it's a pattern and people hate to break patterns. Once a month is gone that's a new pattern and it's normal and easy to stick to. In theory anyway.
Fighting the good fight
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 309
Crutch, congratulations on a week without alcohol - that is awesome, well done!
As a person with little to no religious teaching, I was reluctant to go to AA, but I have found it to be an incredible source of inspiration. it may not be for you, but there are plenty of suggestions and advice on this board, so read them all - it will only cost you time.
Welcome to SR, please keep posting, and I wish you all the best for a steady recovery. I am trying to work the 'breaking a habit' angle myself, but I have also been going to AA because it's a good place and I feel comfortable there - everyone has the same problem as me, and the ways it manifests are quite incredible.
All the best,
ndz
As a person with little to no religious teaching, I was reluctant to go to AA, but I have found it to be an incredible source of inspiration. it may not be for you, but there are plenty of suggestions and advice on this board, so read them all - it will only cost you time.
Welcome to SR, please keep posting, and I wish you all the best for a steady recovery. I am trying to work the 'breaking a habit' angle myself, but I have also been going to AA because it's a good place and I feel comfortable there - everyone has the same problem as me, and the ways it manifests are quite incredible.
All the best,
ndz
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