Omega Man

I started this in the "less than 2 wks sobriety" thread, then it dawned on me that I would get more feedback on the main BB.

I'm just about to end Day 12 and to be honest about 4 hours, I was sure I wasn't going to make it. I was in a pretty good all day and then on the way home just before 5 it hit me, "God, I want a beer".

I actually pulled into the parking lot of one my old haunts, just to see if so&so is there. I swear, if I had seen my business associates car, there is no way I would be typing this now. I was sure I was going to drink and I wanted to and that voice in my head keeps saying, "you quit for 10 days, your in control, you can drink, just only on Fri or Sat" blah, blah. It's like a freakin' tape machine in my head.

I know I don't want to drink again, I like not waking up hungover, I like being sober.
My problem is, I never actually tried to quit before. I cut back, limited myself to no more than 3 days/wk, etc. But I never ever said to myself, "no drinking for 2 wks, 30 days, whatever" and now that I've done it; I'm wondering if I could control it. I mean, I'm seriously wondering if I could. It's like I'm certain to drink again just to find out, like I'm expecting a relapse. I know it's coming; relapse is part of recovery, right? It's like I'm talking myself into it.

Anyway - I didn't drink, but by the time I got home I was really pissed off, it's freakin' Friday, happy hour and I can't have a beer?

It took me about 2 hours to calm down and then I went to a meeting. I feel better now but I don't like these mental battles with myself. It's freakin' exhausting, it's almost like it would be less stressful to just give in.

I talked with a few people at the meeting about it. They said they all went through that and some of them did go have that drink but now their all back at the same meeting.
One of them, said "you'll drink that beer and you may keep it in check for awhile but if your drinking was worrying you enough to get you here in the first place, eventually you'll lose control and you may or may not make it back here".

I'm not sure if I'm talking myself into finding out if I can control or talking myself into not to even consider it. I'm just rambling now, I don't know where I was going with this, it's just driving me nuts.

Sorry this ended up so long.

CarolD

Of course you are confused...You are very new to AA sobriety
What? Meeting 6?

You need to begin your Step work with a strong sponsor
IMO that's when you are moving forward to solid recovery.

Prayer helps me immensley when I am upset.

Blessings

caitlin666

omega, im two months into sobriety and i still have the same thing happening to me....that bloody voice in my head egging me on to have a drink

i dont want to drink, i want the voice to bugger off and leave me alone

but the sober me wants me sober more

i owe it to me
to my kids
to my husband
to my family
to the human race ffs (i wasnt a pleasant drunk...and thats the understatement of the year)

im going to AA and i visit this board every day
the inspiration and feeling of not being alone here is keeping me sober
thankyou all:ghug

and thankyou omega:ghug3

Wonko

I know exactly what you're talking about! I always had a two week barrier. I'd be doing great, feeling good, thanking God for sobriety and then WHAM! Over and over again. I started going to meetings about a year and a half ago and (for two weeks) they really helped! The thing is I kept doing the whole 2 weeks sober 6 months drunk thing until I finally lost a house, a wife, 4 kids, and an insane cat (look on the bright side right?).
I finally did what was suggested: I finally got a sponsor, I finally started working the steps, I finally passed that two week barrier.
It works if you work it. (Alcoholics like me need help to learn how to work it.)
Hey and call those folks that gave you their number... (here's a secret, they really want you to! It helps them as well.)
Peace!

Treasure2Find

Hey Omega Man,

I liked what you had to say and I could definitely relate to it all.

When it comes to controlling my drinking I was baffled but finally learned that I was sick and that I had some sort of allergy. I would be at work all day and all I could think about was a nice cold beer to finish off my day. At other times I would put some sober time together and think having just a few wouldn’t hurt me but I have learned that because of this allergy that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power. After that first beer it was all over and sometimes I wouldn’t come home for days. When I took that first drink all bets were off and I never knew what was going to happen. It was kind of like running in front of a fast moving car, is it going to hit me or not?

I’ve done my experiments with the first drink. I essentially drank because I liked the effects produced by alcohol. The sensation was so elusive the while I had to admit drinking was harmful all sane and rational thought went out the window. I stepped over to the nearest barroom and tried to stop after one but for the most part I always ended up in some jam. So in light of what always happened this type of behavior this was nothing more than plain insanity. How could it be called anything else?

In the end I knew something had to be done about it. Perhaps if you can still control your drinking if you are not too alcoholic. Unfortunately if you are severely afflicted as I am there may be little chance you can recover by yourself. There’s good news there is a solution. Today I don’t drink and although life has its up’s and downs I wouldn’t change a thing. In the beginning I never pictured life without alcohol but today I can’t picture life with it.

findingout

Hey Omega Man,

If your not an alcoholic, you should have no problem controlling your drinking. If you are an alcoholic, your disease will do everything and anything to convince you that you will have no problem controlling your drinking.

How do you know if you are an alcoholic? The A.A. book says to try an experiment with controlling your drinking. Technically you've already done the experiment many, many times. You just haven't done it while trying to prove the hypothesis that you are not an alcoholic. Maybe this time it will be different. Maybe, but based on what evidence?

Every reason which convinced you to make the decision to stop drinking 12 days ago is still valid.

trakin

[QUOTE=Omega Man;1618165]. . . that voice in my head keeps saying, "you quit for 10 days, your in control, you can drink, just only on Fri or Sat" blah, blah. It's like a freakin' tape machine in my head.

I know I don't want to drink again, I like not waking up hungover, I like being sober."

Hi, Omega Man --
I know exactly how you feel with those two voices competing for attention in your head. I have them all the time too. My past unsuccessful negotiations with them is what brought me here and, as you know, I am only on day 4. I imagine the "bad" voice will get stronger and stronger the longer I go.

I think it's awesome that you were able to resist that voice and that you went to a meeting instead of into that bar last night. And I thank you for sharing the thinking-through that you did while you were wrestling with those feelings.

I'm waiting for the book you recommended to me to come in, and while I'm waiting, I'm reading another one called The Tao of Sobriety. I can't say I recomend it highly, but there is a chapter in there about practicing "detachment" that has given me some good food for thought. Basically it talks about recognizing feelings as just that -- feelings. They come, they go. And it gives practical advice about how to detach yourself from the strong feelings and observe them, but then use your "higher" mind or something like that, to act in your own best interest. There is a zen saying that embodies that concept: "first you win, then you play." I haven't explained it very well, I know...but maybe you will read that book someday.

Anyway, I made it through my holiday party last night and am on my way to a wedding today. Drank sprite all night last night while others around me had martinis and wine. My bad voice kept saying..don't you think a little splash of vodka in that sprite would be sooo harmless? I had to play...had to acknowledge that voice and talk back to it. But I didn't touch a drop. I had already decided to win.

Hey, the only downside of the fact that _you_ won last night is that you are going to graduate from our less than two weeks thread soon! What will we do in there without your encouragement and great sense of humor?? I vote that you can come back and visit and let us know how it is out there in the 2week plus world.


P.s. I'm not sure if I'm doing this quote button thing right...

awake121207

Omega Man,

I feel your pain. Wednesday and Thursday night I had to go toe to toe with my addictive voice (the rat, bad dog, etc.) and it sucked--check out the responses in the "Grateful to be sober . . ." thread for more good advice from others.

I fought, I posted, and I somehow made it through. Last night the rat didn't bother, and I am so glad to be sober this morning. I have relapsed every time I was where you were last night. Today I am on the other side of that battle for the first time x2 and it gives me hope for the future.

I don't think there's any need to test whether or not we are alcoholics--that's just what the rat wants.

Sending you strength and peace

gravity

Hey Omega Man,

I can relate 100% to your post (the exact situation). It is so scary when you realize how powerful the urge to drink can be & how the rationalization process kicks in. Easy to give in, so difficult to resist (I've done both in the past). But you did it, a huge victory. I know that this will happen to me at some point and I hope that I am as strong as you.

As someone who is also early in sobriety & new to AA, I believe that we are in somewhat of a vulnerable position. Not enough experience with the AA program to fully "work it" when major urges happen and the urges can come anytime/anyplace. For the time being, I believe you have to use whatever resources you have available. Awesome that you went to a meeting and posted here by the way.

For me, I think of my kids, my wife, career, health. All great reasons not to have that beer. Even though I would rather bury my head in the sand, I also think of the hell that alcohol created in my life, kind of a scare tactic. Sometimes I just have to hang on for dear life. Today, I have a sponsor, phone numbers, meetings, & SR to help me through these times. I didn't have these resources 12 days ago.

I believe that these urges will fade in time especially the more times they are resisted. I also believe that the further I get into the AA program, the stronger I will become. I have to be patient and just focus on today.

Hevyn

Thanks, Omega, this is helping me, 4 months into it. I'm discouraged that I don't feel happy & perky alot of the time - I'm glad to be free of the stuff, but still whining about not being able to live my old life. Then I remember (as said above by others) the hell my life became, the unbelievably scary person I turned into when I drank, the people I let down. I tried for over 20 years to control my drinking. It led me to 3 DUI's & broken lifelong relationships, criminal charges, horrible health issues. The beer turned into 100 proof vodka, and still the "numbness" never came in the end. (And why did I want to be numb anyway?) None of us want to have to admit we aren't in control of our own destiny - we're all looking for that euphoric feeling our early drinking days gave us & it's just not coming back. We need to get over ourselves and move forward to a new life, not enslaved.

Pinkcuda

No it's not right. It's a lame excuse that some use to make themselves feel better about their conscious decision to drink.

bugsworth

Omega Man, I'm with Pinkcuda on this, relapse is not a part of recovery unless you relapse than it is a part of YOUR recovery. You will be the one to decide if relapse is a part of your journey, stay strong and it won't be....you can do this...we all can!

Omega Man

Thanks all. I slept pretty good last night and feel pretty good this morning. Last night was by the far the hardest time yet. The first weekend was pretty easy and I was expecting this weekend to be a little harder, I've never gone two weekends in a row without drinking, but last night flat out sucked! Needless to say, happy hour on Fridays just moved to the top of my list of triggers.

I like the AA meetings, I've only been to five, so I don't have a sponsor. There is one guy that I really relate to and get along well with. He's been sober 3 yrs, so I may approach him about sponsoring me, at least on temp basis. I think he is already sponsoring two people, so I'm not sure he would take on a 3rd but I know I can call him.

I have a big AA event tonight that will keep me busy for 3+ hours. I know they recommend 90 meetings in 90 days to start, but that is just impossible for me. As long as I can get on SR, I'm good going every other day, but Fri and Sat nights are going to have to be on my schedule for the near future.

Thanks for the feedback, nice to know I wasn't alone in my thoughts.

Omega Man

Pink - I know relapse should not automatically be part of recovery, but why do you hear it so much? I've heard it brought up in just about every meeting I've been to.
I haven't met a single person in AA yet that didn't relapse or at least have false starts.

One of the guys that I sat with last night told me he was back to Day 3. Went 30 days sober, drank, then 78 days and now back to day 3.

Is there anyone here, who quit and never ever went back?

Jfanagle

Relapse is no more a part of successful recovery than sitting down during a marathon is part of winning and finishing the race. Relapse does occur, but don't delude yourself that it is "part of recovery."

Please note that almost all the previous posts expressed the fact that we all know what you are talking about with regard to cravings. That is most definitely a part of recovery. After almost two years of sobriety I stopped at a liquor store and bought a bottle of Canadian Club and took it home. After an agonizing 6 hours I called my sponsor and he suggested that the "unopened" bottle would make a nice gift for a lady I knew who drank that brand and wasn't an alcoholic. I followed that advice, however after 8 years I am still amazed at how much I wanted to give my self permission to just have "a few drinks" since I had been so long without one. The sponsor was my life line and kept me from that "relapse."

AA isn't magic; it is just support when we can't do it alone! Congratulations, you tip toed through a minefield. There will be more, but if you really work the program and the steps as well as stay close to other recovering alcoholics and your sponsor you will stay sober. This fellowship does work, but only if we follow directions and don't get "innovative" and try and reinvent the wheel.

Relapse is NOT part of recovery! RELAPSE is much like that card in Monopoly, GO TO JAIL, go directly to jail; do not pass go do not collect two hundred dollars! Just like the board game, you can still roll the dice again, you are just starting over. However much like the game, you only get so many rolls of the dice.

Best of luck,

Jon

Anna

Of course there are people who decide to quit and then stop for good.

And, others relapse. I would really suggest staying away from the thought of relapse. Keep looking forward to your new sober life and don't consider relapse to be inevitable. That said, if you do relapse, there is really no choice but to get up and work at it again.

nandm

Meet one person who once they started AA has not relapsed. I also know of many others. Stick around and you will meet them. They are around.

Unfortunately, today, many people come into AA for reasons other than the desperation of knowing they need to quit but not being able to live without the alcohol. Many, today, come in to please the courts, their wives, their husbands, their kids, etc.... Unless a person truly has the desire to quit and is willing to go to any lengths to do it they are likely to relapse. Relapse does not have to be a part of AA recovery. I did relapse many times prior to coming to AA. I would try to quit get a few days in and once a year but ultimately was so miserable inside that I had to drink again. With AA I have learned how to live without all that pain, resentment, anger, and frustration that drove me back out to pick up the drink. But the key to learining how to live without those things is working the Steps and Principles AND applying to every aspect of my life.

Jfanagle

Omega,

In reply to your last post: Yes, I quit on October 15th 1999 and so far have never had another drink. I went to as many as 3 meetings a day in the first year and after 8 years I still make at least 2 meetings a week and others when I need to. I try and be of service by sponsoring others, when they are deluded enough to ask for my help, and that keeps me sober. I rely on the strength of others when mine isn't sufficent.

Life is good and sometimes even great, but I never forget that I am an alcoholic and I can not drink. Life is just what it is, full of ups and downs, but I know drinking won't help me. Prayer, meetings, and meditation have worked for me. I do know that I won't drink today!

Jon

gravity

For me saying relapse is part of recovery is the same as saying it is expected/okay to go on a 3 day bender. I'm not going there!

Pinkcuda

Omega. I quit on Sept 3rd 2003 on my first try. I had a house full of booze and I had my first quart of the day. I wasn't hung over, I wasn't drunk either.
It was just time. I said "I quit"!
I didn't say I was "quitting" or "trying to quit" but "I quit"
You can't relapse when you quit drinking.