One year later, another try
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 34
One year later, another try
Hi everyone. I posted a few times here last year, and faded away, convinced I could handle everything myself. Now it's almost 12 months later, and I think I finally hit bottom - or so it's been recounted to me by my (rightfully) fed up husband. I've deluded myself that I can stop - that I can drink like a "normal" person. How thick-skulled am I that it's taken me this long to accept that I don't have those "brakes" that normal drinking people seem to have.
Christmas night my parents hosted a wonderful dinner - and I was there with my family (2 toddlers and DH) and my brother and his family. Great dinner - great conversation - too much wine flowing. Apparently I went from being chatty and happy to flat out drunk, on what seemed to everyone else to be rather suddenly. I passed out in the car, and my DH put me on the couch and left me there to sleep it off. For the first time in my young children's life I was unable to put them to bed. I hate myself for being flat out smashed in front of them. I woke up groggy around 4am, went up to bed, and then was woken up my my DH leaving for work, beyond mad. He's fed up, embarassed and doesn't understand. "Why can't you stop? Why do you just start drinking and keep going???"
I was in tears and really unable to say anything in my defense. I can't stop. I was so drunk and I have no excuse. I'm ashamed, he's still mad, and I'm just toeing the line around here - not drinking (day 2) and hoping I come to some sort of terms with this. I'm tired of the shame, and waking up not quite remembering the plot lines of the shows we watched the night before. I had become more and more secretive about drinking, but now I just want all of the garbage out of my life. It's such a negative drain.
And despite that, the thoughts of sneaking a glass of wine before he gets home tonight are creeping in.
I'm actually embarassed to post, as I said - another year, same old behavior. The Queen of Justification pulled out another 365 days from her hat.
Thanks for listening.
Christmas night my parents hosted a wonderful dinner - and I was there with my family (2 toddlers and DH) and my brother and his family. Great dinner - great conversation - too much wine flowing. Apparently I went from being chatty and happy to flat out drunk, on what seemed to everyone else to be rather suddenly. I passed out in the car, and my DH put me on the couch and left me there to sleep it off. For the first time in my young children's life I was unable to put them to bed. I hate myself for being flat out smashed in front of them. I woke up groggy around 4am, went up to bed, and then was woken up my my DH leaving for work, beyond mad. He's fed up, embarassed and doesn't understand. "Why can't you stop? Why do you just start drinking and keep going???"
I was in tears and really unable to say anything in my defense. I can't stop. I was so drunk and I have no excuse. I'm ashamed, he's still mad, and I'm just toeing the line around here - not drinking (day 2) and hoping I come to some sort of terms with this. I'm tired of the shame, and waking up not quite remembering the plot lines of the shows we watched the night before. I had become more and more secretive about drinking, but now I just want all of the garbage out of my life. It's such a negative drain.
And despite that, the thoughts of sneaking a glass of wine before he gets home tonight are creeping in.
I'm actually embarassed to post, as I said - another year, same old behavior. The Queen of Justification pulled out another 365 days from her hat.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 666
Hi mamaof2,
I'm a dad to two. It was good to read your post. You're here and you're starting to make some changes. There are some wonderful and wise sober women on this site. I'll get out of the way and let them give advice. They will be along shortly... in the meantime welcome back.
Mike in Boston... another New Englander
I'm a dad to two. It was good to read your post. You're here and you're starting to make some changes. There are some wonderful and wise sober women on this site. I'll get out of the way and let them give advice. They will be along shortly... in the meantime welcome back.
Mike in Boston... another New Englander
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 984
Hi there. So sorry for your missfortune. All you can do is what you've already done. You recognize and accept the real problem, Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go again. I only have 2 months sober today in fact, but I've lost relationships over my drinking and spent tens of thousands of dollars in repercussions. I miss my relationship with my ex, but I know that I'll never have one if I don't stop now!! Your family obviously loves you and is willing to stand by you, but for how long? It's an illness that will never go away, can't be avoided and needs to be addressed.
Please seek out a meeting and ask the questions. Talk to the people who know better than I do what it takes.
Good luck!
Rob
Please seek out a meeting and ask the questions. Talk to the people who know better than I do what it takes.
Good luck!
Rob
Ending the Old Me.
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Under a Rock
Posts: 377
Welcome mamaof2, you might want to read through our posts on the "for those with less than 2 wks of sobriety" thread.
We have 3-4 four women with stories very similar to yours. Perhaps you might even be able to talk with them via private messages, their quite wise.
We have 3-4 four women with stories very similar to yours. Perhaps you might even be able to talk with them via private messages, their quite wise.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Welcome mama!!
I can identify with you as I am also a mother of 2 and an alcoholic. My children unfortunately have seen way too much, but day by day I move forward to a new life without alcohol. One of the greatest rewards in sobriety, for me, is not adding anymore regrets to the already HUGE pile I have..kwim? You can do this, but you have to want to...really want to...not kinda want to...not want to until it gets hard...really want to....
You sound ready to me!!
Congrats on the two days and DON"T GIVE IN TO THE VOICE.....IT LIES!!!!
I can identify with you as I am also a mother of 2 and an alcoholic. My children unfortunately have seen way too much, but day by day I move forward to a new life without alcohol. One of the greatest rewards in sobriety, for me, is not adding anymore regrets to the already HUGE pile I have..kwim? You can do this, but you have to want to...really want to...not kinda want to...not want to until it gets hard...really want to....
You sound ready to me!!
Congrats on the two days and DON"T GIVE IN TO THE VOICE.....IT LIES!!!!
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Welcome back to SR. It is always nice to see someone who is able to make it back to give it one more try. As an alcoholic mother of 3 I have made my share of regrettable drunken incidents I would rather were not part of my children's memory but I can not change the past. The only thing that I can do is continue down this road to recovery and allow them to see the mother I am able to be without the alcohol putting a dark cloud over everything. Take care and please stick around, you are welcome, wanted, and needed here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Hi!
Welcome back
Thanks for sharing.
I know the "can't stop" feeling all too well. Allot of things I start doing very innocently soon become a "can't stop" complussion for me. I knew I was an alcoholic but only reccently I've become awaer of my addictive personality (alcohol; drugs; cigarettes; gambling; sex; chocolate; ice cream). I'm trying to flight that aspect of my personality at the moment.
You're caught in a vicious-circle. What you need to do is break the circle by eliminating the drinking. That's the first pace you need to take, in my humble oppinion.
Let us know how you're getting on.
Welcome back
Thanks for sharing.
I know the "can't stop" feeling all too well. Allot of things I start doing very innocently soon become a "can't stop" complussion for me. I knew I was an alcoholic but only reccently I've become awaer of my addictive personality (alcohol; drugs; cigarettes; gambling; sex; chocolate; ice cream). I'm trying to flight that aspect of my personality at the moment.
You're caught in a vicious-circle. What you need to do is break the circle by eliminating the drinking. That's the first pace you need to take, in my humble oppinion.
Let us know how you're getting on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 226
I wanted to say that your post was one of the most sobering posts I have ever read here on SR. Please stick around someone is always on line and someone is always here to talk with.
Well I never really had much in the way of a defense, like you I couldn’t stop. Opinions vary considerably as to why the alcoholic like me reacts differently from normal people. Today I know I have an allergy to alcohol and when ever booze in any form is put into my body I can’t stop and it gets out of control. I proved this last week with the Christmas cookies I ate. My wife didn’t tell me she was baking with Booze; those dam cookies were the best I ever ate. I gained ten pounds for Christ sake but I didn’t know there was booze in them.
If you ask me why I started on that last bender, the chances are I would offer you any one of a hundred alibis. I have had excuses with which I was satisfied part of the time. But in my heart I really do not know why I did it. How true this is, few realize. In a vague way their families and friends sense that these drinkers are abnormal, but everybody hopefully awaits the day when the sufferer will rouse himself from his lethargy and assert his power of will.
The tragic truth is that I am a real alcoholic and without help I’m screwed. If willpower worked I would have gotten sober 20 years ago. I don’t know what your going to do to not sneak that glass of wine or to quit but I can tell you what I did.
I went to AA and found someone that I could identify with, someone that could be my sponsor and I asked them for help. I didn’t ask someone that I could be friends with, or someone I could BS I asked someone who knew something about the 12 steps. Seems like a big deal and it is but that sponsor took me through the 12 steps and I don’t have to drink anymore and I took out the garbage to boot.
Again thank-you for the post and for helping me stay sober another day. You can do this one step at a time it's not as hopless as it seems, its not.
Well I never really had much in the way of a defense, like you I couldn’t stop. Opinions vary considerably as to why the alcoholic like me reacts differently from normal people. Today I know I have an allergy to alcohol and when ever booze in any form is put into my body I can’t stop and it gets out of control. I proved this last week with the Christmas cookies I ate. My wife didn’t tell me she was baking with Booze; those dam cookies were the best I ever ate. I gained ten pounds for Christ sake but I didn’t know there was booze in them.
If you ask me why I started on that last bender, the chances are I would offer you any one of a hundred alibis. I have had excuses with which I was satisfied part of the time. But in my heart I really do not know why I did it. How true this is, few realize. In a vague way their families and friends sense that these drinkers are abnormal, but everybody hopefully awaits the day when the sufferer will rouse himself from his lethargy and assert his power of will.
The tragic truth is that I am a real alcoholic and without help I’m screwed. If willpower worked I would have gotten sober 20 years ago. I don’t know what your going to do to not sneak that glass of wine or to quit but I can tell you what I did.
I went to AA and found someone that I could identify with, someone that could be my sponsor and I asked them for help. I didn’t ask someone that I could be friends with, or someone I could BS I asked someone who knew something about the 12 steps. Seems like a big deal and it is but that sponsor took me through the 12 steps and I don’t have to drink anymore and I took out the garbage to boot.
Again thank-you for the post and for helping me stay sober another day. You can do this one step at a time it's not as hopless as it seems, its not.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Mountain Time
Posts: 101
Originally Posted by MamaOf2 
. . . I posted a few times here last year, and faded away . . .
Originally Posted by MamaOf2
. . . convinced I could handle everything myself.
Wishing you the best
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 35
Hi Mamaof2! I also am a mama of 2 - I have a 3 year old and a 7 year old. And I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for 1 month - and I won't lie, it has been a tough month - but also very gratifying. I am learning so much, and I am so excited about being sober.
Please stick around, post, ask questions, ask for support, whatever. I did start going to AA and it has been an overwhelmingly positive experience. And, believe me, I never would have thought I would be doing it a few months ago - I was embarrassed and thought I was so different from the people there.
Welcome back!
Please stick around, post, ask questions, ask for support, whatever. I did start going to AA and it has been an overwhelmingly positive experience. And, believe me, I never would have thought I would be doing it a few months ago - I was embarrassed and thought I was so different from the people there.
Welcome back!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
Oh! Mamma !
I so relate to your post !
My son saw me drunk and out of control more often than I like to remember!
I so remember that time of day when it became "respecable" to drink, and I was only going to have "a couple" like "normal " people, it never happened !
EVERY day I woke thinking "I wont drink today" and every day I DID! and the longer it went on, thwe more I hated myself. I continued for 37 years.
I chose AA as my means of support, and i now have a new life. I was so amazed when I heard people share, cos like you, I was embarassed about the way I thought, and acted. I found there were people just like me, who had fought the same battle, and I was among friends .
Maybe you would like to try a meeting?
I do wish you well in your search,
You too can do it . a day @ a time
HUGX
Leigh
I so relate to your post !
My son saw me drunk and out of control more often than I like to remember!
I so remember that time of day when it became "respecable" to drink, and I was only going to have "a couple" like "normal " people, it never happened !
EVERY day I woke thinking "I wont drink today" and every day I DID! and the longer it went on, thwe more I hated myself. I continued for 37 years.
I chose AA as my means of support, and i now have a new life. I was so amazed when I heard people share, cos like you, I was embarassed about the way I thought, and acted. I found there were people just like me, who had fought the same battle, and I was among friends .
Maybe you would like to try a meeting?
I do wish you well in your search,
You too can do it . a day @ a time
HUGX
Leigh
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hi Mama,
From another mama...
Eek..it's amazing what we allow ourselves to do when we're drinking. I have a bunch of those moments myself..
I'm glad that you are back..be kind to yourself for the next few weeks, and post here often, there's a lot of support!
Karen
From another mama...
Eek..it's amazing what we allow ourselves to do when we're drinking. I have a bunch of those moments myself..
I'm glad that you are back..be kind to yourself for the next few weeks, and post here often, there's a lot of support!
Karen
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Hi ..from yet another mama......
My heart sure does go out to ya...
I will quote you here..."Apparently I went from being chatty and happy to flat out drunk,"
I can relate to this...
I would go from Chatty Kathy to Talking Tina (Twilight Zone fans will know...) in a
drinking evening...never could do it socially. Or swing back and forth ..tragedy and
comedy..the two clown masks.
You said there was a great dinner and "too much wine flowing"...Well, we both know
it wasn't the amount of wine. Maybe you just have the disease like me.
Stop beating yourself up about that..you see, we cannot handle all that wine like
those other fellas. And why we get that quirky thing in our head that says we are
really are just like everyone else and can pick it up is beyond me.
Maybe that's why they say say it is cunning, baffling, and powerful!
You are in good company, Mama...and I sure am your sister.
I'm with Carol..now, what is your plan?
Love and prayers,
IO
My heart sure does go out to ya...
I will quote you here..."Apparently I went from being chatty and happy to flat out drunk,"
I can relate to this...
I would go from Chatty Kathy to Talking Tina (Twilight Zone fans will know...) in a
drinking evening...never could do it socially. Or swing back and forth ..tragedy and
comedy..the two clown masks.
You said there was a great dinner and "too much wine flowing"...Well, we both know
it wasn't the amount of wine. Maybe you just have the disease like me.
Stop beating yourself up about that..you see, we cannot handle all that wine like
those other fellas. And why we get that quirky thing in our head that says we are
really are just like everyone else and can pick it up is beyond me.
Maybe that's why they say say it is cunning, baffling, and powerful!
You are in good company, Mama...and I sure am your sister.
I'm with Carol..now, what is your plan?
Love and prayers,
IO
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