awake121207

Last night I went through what has always got me back to the liquor store. It's actually surreal to wake up sober this morning.

The alcoholic voice in my head, which had been pretty quiet for 15 days, suddenly reared up and took control. Telling me it was pointless to pretend I was going to stay stopped and that no one would do anything to me, so go pick up--you'll feel better. It gets so loud in my head--so confident and demanding and relentless. I have fought it in the past for a while, but it never stopped until I caved.

I drove out, but kept thinking of posting on SR, and I ended up pigging out on fast food and thinking of what I was going to post in a thread where I had already posted about my cravings being less this time around (idiot).

I came home w/out booze, posted, showed the post to my wife, she told me she was proud . . . and then the voice had run out of steam. The rest of the evening went well, and I am so glad to be sober this morning--I still can't believe it.

I found SR last Saturday evening when I thought I was going to lose it soon, and the support here has made it so different this time. However, I never would have thought I could get through something like last night. I've lasted a few months before it happened before, but I have never gotten through it--not once.

Thanks SR

Elizabeth2007

I'm so so glad you found SR and that you were able to beat your addictive voice.

Everytime that voice comes prowling around (and it will) keep thinking that drink all the way through to the natural and horrible consequences. Keep doing what you did, think about SR and post post post.

Never give up.

You are worth the fight.

Tazman53

Man that voice used to make me nuts, congrats on resisting, at the 15 day point I got my butt to a meeting, what a difference, laughter, conversation with other people who have been where I was at, coffee, and a totally alcohol free enviroment, that damn voice shut up the second I walked into that room and I was fine the rest of the evening.

Anna

Oh yes, and challenging the voice is the way to go. The only way to defeat it is to get through it and then the voice gets weaker and weaker.

CarolD

:wow:
Well Done!

gravity

Wow, does this hit home for me. I didn't think my problem was too bad until I had to meet a MAJOR craving head on...and didn't give in. Extremely powerful & scary.

I think one key is to not look too far ahead into the future. I'm only on day 11 and it would be really easy for me to tell myself that I never stay sober so what the h*ll is the point? However, the difference is I now have more experience & resources to draw upon. For me, it is so much better to try and focus on today.

And I agree with 51anna. The voice really does gets weaker the more times you kick its butt!

Congratulations on not giving in, a huge victory!

dave47

Well done Awake, SR helps you and you help everyone else, keep strong.

mike_mass

Way to go!

Pilgrim

RZ calls the voice the rat. He used to have a rat busting thread. Rusty - is it still around?

awake121207

Thanks for all the support and encouragement everybody!

Yes, this is a strange and somewhat spooky place . . . the other side of a victory for once.

The idea that the rat (I like that) will get skinnier and weaker with each defeat is a nice thought!

curliQ

I love the rat. We need a smilie with the baseball bat hitting a rat. I am afraid to go out since I would usually make the liquor store one of my stops. I am afraid to go out because I might be tempted to make that stop. I think I'll take a page from you and go get some big, greasy fries next time.

Good on ya!!! How proud you must be.

awake121207

This is something I struggle with because when I'm in the thick of the fight, I can't seem to think past the release of the first shot and chugged beer.

Perhaps as the voice gets weaker (I hope you're right 51anna and gravity!) I will be better able to see it all the way through.

That I will definitely do! Thanks

Dee74

the voice gets weaker, awake...like anything don't feed it it, it fades away
D

awake121207

:rof

I was actually thinking of how you use water to fill up when I decided to fill up with fast food rather than alcopoison.

Yes, but a little scared for the next time the rat appears--need that bat for the rat

awake121207

For the rat, only a bat, no food

Now I need to start nailing down all of the ways I have been feeding it for nearly 18 years--that's the big goal.

Thanks

awake121207

D!@# rat's back. It IS weaker, but still working on me.

My wife and I are just puttering around getting things done around the house with movies on the tube.

It's whispering about boredom--one of the ways I have fed it= ANYTHING is fun with booze.

Asked the wife how bummed she would be if I went to the liquor store:

"Oh honey . . ." Some genuine pain in the tone.

The rat told her it would be like this every night.

"But all the reasons you told me you wanted to quit this time will all be there too."

Hmmm . . . rat was speechless. Score one for the wife.

Feeling a bit better every 5 minutes since.

So thankful I can post it here--been feeling better each moment as I type.

Thanks

:ghug

Elizabeth2007

I had a friend literally narrate to me the breakdown from the first drink to the last and the next day and the consequences of it all.

It scared me to the point that I didn't drink.

I was in the midst of the worst craving I'd had since I quit (including the first few weeks which was a nightmare) and I was nearly 7 months sober when it hit.

I do believe that the addictive voice gets weaker to some extent, but I also believe it is IMPERITIVE that we remain vigilant against its attacks. Don't ever rest easy with the knowledge that it will 'get weaker' because when you do, eventually, life is going to strike, as life is prone to do, and something will provoke you emotionally or physically and your addictive voice will use that as the springboard to attack you as strong as possible.

I was nearly 7 months sober when something emotionally devestating happened in my life. It threw me into a vicious emotional tailspin and had me freaking out so bad that I was physically ill too. All I wanted was for it "all to go away" and you and I both know that is one of the number one driving reasons people drink. So they don't have to face pain, hurt, struggle, etc.

I know I'm rambling. Its just, I'll be 8 months sober on Sunday, and mostly its because my friend talked me from the first drink (ahh feels a little better) to the 5th drink (oh i'm starting to get buzzed ... I'll stop) to the 7th (starting to get a little sloppy, man i better stop) to the whatever number you want to use (i'm drunk and out of control ... i black out) to the next morning (what happened, where am I, god i'm sick, i feel like crap ... oh god WHY WHY WHY did I even pick up that first drink!??)

The "relief" the first 1 or 2 drinks brings is not REAL relief. It only leads to misery.

I hope this helps somehow.

Elizabeth

awake121207

Yes Elizabeth, It will certainly help.

I spent some time yesterday, while in a good space after my latest bout with the AV, walking through what you described. I think the horror would really be waking up with a full blown alcoholic hangover after this many good nights of sleep.

I was talking to my wife last night about how I wish I could turn on a little of the horrible feelings to help keep me on track. Our mind protects us from fully feeling the pain of the past--which helps us not go insane, but it makes it harder to not kid ourselves about what we can try again.

I think I will try writing the sequence down to read during my next session with the rat.

Thanks

Elizabeth2007

I'll never forget the sequence. I can still his voice as he tells it. He even did the slurred speech and stuff. Its bone chilling. A life-long reminder for me.

Glad it helps.

1963comet

I just love to hear good news.

For me the longer I stayed away from drinking the better it got. I remember at the end of one day, that drinking never crossed my mind. Never thought in a million years that would happen but it did.