Failure Again
 

So I drank again...here's what happened. I'm at Christmas Eve gathering at my house..all other adults drinking-me not, so far so good. Suddenly, don't know why I pour a small bit of red wine into the juice I'm drinking and drink it. I do this 2 more times...little splashes of wine in my juice. I know I have to bring my kids home so I stop...on the way back from dropping them off I buy and consume 3 JD mini's...return to party. The next day ( Christmas) I'm alone....new wife and step kids at her exes...I buy "just a half pint" - consume this almost in one seating and go right back out ( drunk driving again!!!) get another half pint...take several ativan with it...sleep most of the day or lounge around in a stupor..decide to not go get more and try again. Today...Day 1. I hate this....I hate the trying and failing....I hate the impulsivity and the cravings and obsesssion.....I hate liking it so much....I hate thinking about it all the time....I feel like s*** all the time....I'm just ina bad place right now...at least my kids are not home for a couple days...I am so sad confused...I don't know

I couldn't be around other people who were drinking when I was newly sober.

I just couldn't do it.

Recovery means making a lot of very HARD choices in your life.

I found the only way to beat the cravings was to get through them. Then they get easier each time.

Rob...This is what our disease is..."cunning, baffling and powerful." I think that almost everyone on this board has been right where you are now. That's why we're in recovery. I hope that you soon get to the point that each one has to arrive at...that point where the desire to stay sober is stronger than the desire to be drunk or high. For me, I finally really had had it with that hampster wheel and couldn't take the obsessing nad self-disgust anymore. So i gave up. That was 3 years ago and life today is completely different. Stuff still happens, of course, but it's all so manageable. And life has flavor and color and real joy again. I'm not special. You can have this too. You "just" need to want it enough. In the meantime, go to AA meetings (if that is your choice) and look for the winners, the people who seem to have what you want. then ask them how they did it. You might be very surprised at how much help and support you get.

You can become happy, joyous and free. Just don't quit trying!

Fit

Im know how you feel. I had alot of extra money this christmas that I could have used for good. And I swore I wasnt going to spend this holiday season f'ed up. I did all that before the holiday and spent much needed money. POOF! Up in smoke.
I was so angry at myself. I too am in a love hate relationship and I think we all were at one point.
It does freakin suck that I love getting high but I want so bad to be clean because at the same time I hate it with every fiber in my being.
This crap is complicated.
Someone told me on my last run last week. He told me. One day your gonna get tired. This is someone I get high with.
He said One day your just gonna get tired and that will be it.
Well I have been tired for a long time. Now I am to the point where I am sick of letting it rule me.
Time for me to take control and get this life sucking $hit out of my life for good.
You can do it too. You have to want it bad enough and be dedicated.
You really really need to be ready.
I wish you luck and hope you find your breaking point soon.

I'm right there with you rob. I blew it too. I know exactly how you feel.

I ****** up too, I know it doesn't help you, but I understand. I have no idea what happened either. Just one glass, it won't hurt, but one glass has lead to half a bottle of vodka :/ I don't know what to think right now, I am not drunk, when surely I should be, I am not happy, I am not sad, all I am thinking is well there goes 9 days of sobriety? surely I should feel something? I think I need to write my own thread rather than hyjack yours :/

Your thread was just top of the list when I logged in, at least I am not alone.

Sax

So you stumbled. From what I hear, that's what we do. You had, what, a week (during the toughest part of the year, at that)? You did it once, you can do it again.

Please take care.

You were making progress, Rob, and hopefully you learned that you can't be around alcohol in early recovery. I hope you become willing to begin again.

Support out to you all. You had a crazy moment - we've all been there :)
just chalk it up to experience, learn from it - n' get back on the horse :)

D

This is a tough thing we're up against. I blew it every night for the last five years of my drinking. But... you are all here and are all talking about it. That's one up on me. You are willing to try again. It would have been so easy to just disappear off into cyber-space - but you didn't. That takes courage and that will help you get sober. Glad you are all back...keep posting and keep trying and I will, too.
Mike

Amen - what Dee said - and Sax, your 9 days of sobriety didn't "go" anywhere - it's still something you achieved that you can be proud of. Being back on here admitting you slipped & being honest - that's huge. Last Christmas I messed up big time & went on a binge that lasted until August - bet you guys won't do that!

Rob I have a gift for you, please substitute wine and juice for milk and whiskey????

Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn’t hurt me on a full stomach. I ordered a whiskey and poured it into the milk. I vaguely sense I was not being any too smart, but I reassured as I was taking the whiskey on a full stomach. The experiment went so well that I ordered another whiskey and poured it into more milk. That didn’t seem to bother me so I tried another."

Thus started one more journey to the asylum for Jim. Here was the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position, to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always caused him. He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. Yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk!

Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else?

Treasure2find - I remember reading that story in the BB, at the time I thought I was different, thats not me. I guess I am learning I am not so different after all, I just wish I could remember it all of the time instead of some of the time!

Sax

Don't worry too much about it Rob, the wagon wasn't going that fast, we'll even slow it down a little for you.
There, are you back on yet?
Good, glad to have you back with us.
Now put your seatbelt on, I don't want you falling out again.

Now, are you smiling yet or do I have to keep writing? :ban:

Hey Rob, I can totally relate to where you are. The school of been there done that. I am also back to day one. It is soooo easy to fall, and the roller coaster never seems to stop. I am so, so, sick of being so sick..... Geez, I am 50, you would think I would know better by now? We are back to day one but haven't given up. That is the important part. hang in there and I'll do the same... :-)

The reason you are back to day one is because you havent given up.

There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at out feet.

Staying sober today is as easy as loging on to SR but I had to pick up those tools that we all talk about.

Rob you should know that I wondered about you yesterday. I hoped you were ok. I really, really didn't hope that you didn't drink. I hoped you were ok. I'm not sure how someone new to the sobriety mission can be around alcohol and not drink. I think it's just too much of a temptation, like putting food in front of a starving man.

So, pick yourself up, take a shower, and let's get going. Enough with the self pity and such. You screwed up, it's over, let's move on.

Well said, CuliQ! I thought about you yesterday too, Rob. And I also had a bad day. Back to day one for me too....

Hey Rob

That's sooo familiar...my suggestion : go to AA. It's the only way I found to stop the insanity, love life again and stay sober! Good luck!

Cathy31
x

You know I spent 10 years trying to get sober my way, I was going to get sober alone, I was a MAN!!!! I never needed any ones help doing anything else in my life, my will power would reign SUPREME!!!! I needed no one to stay on that wagon!

I will let you in on a little secret...... I ended my 40 year drinking career by simply surrendering!!! Yes, I surrendered and WON!!!!!!

I surrendered to the fact that my way did not work!!!! I reached out my hand and said "I can not do this alone! Help me!"

Trying to stay on the wagon holding on all by myself did not work!

I finally figured out that I needed a recovery wagon with other people on it, other people who knew how to hold on to the wagon and were more then happy to show me how they held on to that wagon and to help me hold on to it if I needed help!

The recovery wagon I chose was called AA, there are more people on that wagon then on every other recovery wagon in history combined.

The great thing is though is there are other recovery wagons then AA in case one can not hold on to the AA wagon.

There is one thing that ALL recovery wagons have in common, no one can hold on to them unless they work the entire recovery program to the best of thier ability of the wagon they choose.

There is not a single recovery wagon out there that does not involve work to hold onto, some of the work needed is not what we may want to do, but if we want to be happy, joyous and free of alcohol we have to do the work or we will fall off the wagon time and time again.

If one is not willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober then there is a good possibilty they just have not drank enough yet to make them willing. Oh trust me, I spent 10 years drinking in misery because I was not willing, I really just had not drank enough to become willing to do what ever it takes.