Devastated and confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 14
Devastated and confused
My 3 year relationship with my boyfriend ended 6 weeks ago. I am absolutely devastated. He drank when I met, which caused us to argue as right from the first drink he became a completely different person. He was cruel, cocky, obnoxious, confrontation, and a mad man behind the wheel. One night he ran a red light and nearly killed us, that was the final straw for me. He told me then he was an alcoholic. His Dad and Grandfather were too. I had never been in contact with alcoholism before, and as he wasn't falling over drunk and physically being sick, I just thought he was exagerating. He hated the person he was when he drank and came to the decision that he didn't want to be that person anymore, so took himself to AA and to see a specialist. This lasted only a few months. He remained sober until recently, that was 2 and a half years.
For those 2 and a half years we had a wonderful relationship. We would argue like everybody every now and then, but things were great, and in the last year we have become so close and even more devoted to each other.
The last 5-6 months I have noticed him getting increasingly overwhelmed with his life. Sales are bad at work, his cell phone wasn't working properly, and he has lots of potential money making projects on the go, not to mention his fear, that this is his last chance at 33 to become a rockstar (his dream) with his band. He is an obsessive planner. Everything has to be planned out. Every detail of his day, included the amount of time alloted to each task, including eating and showering, loading up the car etc. All of this he writes down. He has felt that he hasn't enough time in the day, and his life is flying past him, and he's unable to keep up. I have told him many times he needs to slow down. He sets impossible goals for himself, and then gets anxious and stressed when he is unable to meet them. When in fact it's not his fault, no one could meet those goals.
When he does not drink he is the most wonderful, sweet, caring, loving man in the world, and very protective of me, and constantly feared losing me for no reason whatsoever. He knew how devoted to him I was, and would never dream of doing anything to hurt him. He knew that, yet still feared losing me. He was very much a loner when I met him, and so I was amazed how close we became.
Anyway I caught him drinking a couple of times recently. We argued because he was that other person again, and absolutely horrible to me. I told him the next time it happened our relationship would be over. The reason being, before I met him, he used to drink every night and pick up girls all the time, to boost him self esteem and feel good about himself, and the next day be disgusted with himself, which resulted in him having very little respect for women. Although he assured me he would never do that now as he was with me, and I completely believed him, there was that part of me that would worry, because after all he was out of control when drinking and I feared anything was possible, so my anger resulted out of total fear. I just din't recognize him at all when he drank. As when he was not drinking, he was very respectable, high morales, incredibly loyal and the ideal guy. The total opposite.
Well that next time happened, and I ended it. I just couldn't deal with it any longer. He was devastated and crying and begging to work things out. I said I couldn't cope anymore. He was very depressed and sought comfort from someone at work and ended up sleeping with her, because his life had gotten out of control, everything was falling apart, and now the one thing that he feared the most happened, I had left him.
And I truly hate myself for this. It wasn't until now that I have come to understand alcoholism and the fact that it is a disease. I destroy myself everyday as I feel I have partly caused this. If I had of understood before maybe I could have helped him and been supportive, and none of this would have happened. He wrote me a very sad letter, telling how he had been drinking for 6 months but was afraid to tell me, how he truly loved me, I am everything to him, and how he feels hollow and dead inside. He hates himself and feels ashamed. I felt so guilty because I didn't understand at the time. I saw him again and apologised for not understanding what he was going through, and told him I wanted to help him, and see if we could work through this together. He was so happy at that, yet 3 hours later when we spoke, he had been drinking and was horrible to me on the phone again. He said he doesn't have the emotional capacity to be in a relationship right now, and he wants to drink right now. I know the alcohol has got hold of him again, and he knows he can't stop. He also smokes pot every day. This also affects him differently. It relaxes most people, but with him it makes him on edge, touchy and paranoid
This is so heartbreaking to me. We are both so in love, and this is a tragedy that this has happened. I know it's because of this disease which he has no control over, but it's so hard to get my head around things. It just seems so unfair. We were both so happy and content with our lives together, yet alcohol has driven us apart. I know he needs to decide to stop himself. I know I can't help him, despite the fact I want to. We have not spoke for 3 weeks now........ I think this is for the best, as they say you have to let the alcoholic suffer the consequences of their drinking.
I have recently started going to AL-ANON which is great. I know I need to start taking the focus off him and putting it onto me and my recovery, but it's just so hard to accept that he might permanently go back to his old life, even though it didn't make him happy, as oppsed to getting help with his drinking and being happy together again.
Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading. I'm sorry it's long, just wanted to get everything down.
Thanks
Alice Kate
For those 2 and a half years we had a wonderful relationship. We would argue like everybody every now and then, but things were great, and in the last year we have become so close and even more devoted to each other.
The last 5-6 months I have noticed him getting increasingly overwhelmed with his life. Sales are bad at work, his cell phone wasn't working properly, and he has lots of potential money making projects on the go, not to mention his fear, that this is his last chance at 33 to become a rockstar (his dream) with his band. He is an obsessive planner. Everything has to be planned out. Every detail of his day, included the amount of time alloted to each task, including eating and showering, loading up the car etc. All of this he writes down. He has felt that he hasn't enough time in the day, and his life is flying past him, and he's unable to keep up. I have told him many times he needs to slow down. He sets impossible goals for himself, and then gets anxious and stressed when he is unable to meet them. When in fact it's not his fault, no one could meet those goals.
When he does not drink he is the most wonderful, sweet, caring, loving man in the world, and very protective of me, and constantly feared losing me for no reason whatsoever. He knew how devoted to him I was, and would never dream of doing anything to hurt him. He knew that, yet still feared losing me. He was very much a loner when I met him, and so I was amazed how close we became.
Anyway I caught him drinking a couple of times recently. We argued because he was that other person again, and absolutely horrible to me. I told him the next time it happened our relationship would be over. The reason being, before I met him, he used to drink every night and pick up girls all the time, to boost him self esteem and feel good about himself, and the next day be disgusted with himself, which resulted in him having very little respect for women. Although he assured me he would never do that now as he was with me, and I completely believed him, there was that part of me that would worry, because after all he was out of control when drinking and I feared anything was possible, so my anger resulted out of total fear. I just din't recognize him at all when he drank. As when he was not drinking, he was very respectable, high morales, incredibly loyal and the ideal guy. The total opposite.
Well that next time happened, and I ended it. I just couldn't deal with it any longer. He was devastated and crying and begging to work things out. I said I couldn't cope anymore. He was very depressed and sought comfort from someone at work and ended up sleeping with her, because his life had gotten out of control, everything was falling apart, and now the one thing that he feared the most happened, I had left him.
And I truly hate myself for this. It wasn't until now that I have come to understand alcoholism and the fact that it is a disease. I destroy myself everyday as I feel I have partly caused this. If I had of understood before maybe I could have helped him and been supportive, and none of this would have happened. He wrote me a very sad letter, telling how he had been drinking for 6 months but was afraid to tell me, how he truly loved me, I am everything to him, and how he feels hollow and dead inside. He hates himself and feels ashamed. I felt so guilty because I didn't understand at the time. I saw him again and apologised for not understanding what he was going through, and told him I wanted to help him, and see if we could work through this together. He was so happy at that, yet 3 hours later when we spoke, he had been drinking and was horrible to me on the phone again. He said he doesn't have the emotional capacity to be in a relationship right now, and he wants to drink right now. I know the alcohol has got hold of him again, and he knows he can't stop. He also smokes pot every day. This also affects him differently. It relaxes most people, but with him it makes him on edge, touchy and paranoid
This is so heartbreaking to me. We are both so in love, and this is a tragedy that this has happened. I know it's because of this disease which he has no control over, but it's so hard to get my head around things. It just seems so unfair. We were both so happy and content with our lives together, yet alcohol has driven us apart. I know he needs to decide to stop himself. I know I can't help him, despite the fact I want to. We have not spoke for 3 weeks now........ I think this is for the best, as they say you have to let the alcoholic suffer the consequences of their drinking.
I have recently started going to AL-ANON which is great. I know I need to start taking the focus off him and putting it onto me and my recovery, but it's just so hard to accept that he might permanently go back to his old life, even though it didn't make him happy, as oppsed to getting help with his drinking and being happy together again.
Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading. I'm sorry it's long, just wanted to get everything down.
Thanks
Alice Kate
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
In my opinion ,for what it's worth, you did what you had to do. You gave an ultimatum and you kept true to your word. Trust me, this pattern could have continued for years if not "till death do us part". When dealing with an alcoholic you are dealing with the best of the best when it comes to manipulation and self centeredness. I hate to see this happen to your relationship, but these wounds will heal a lot faster than they would had you not kicked him to the curb when you said you would. Your Boyfriend knows the rules and he broke them knowing full and well what the end result would be. Not just the rules of your relationship, but the rules of Alcohol as well.
I respect the hell out of your integrity in handling this. That says a lot about your character. Don't be so hard on yourself. There's a lot of Women that wish they had what you have.
I respect the hell out of your integrity in handling this. That says a lot about your character. Don't be so hard on yourself. There's a lot of Women that wish they had what you have.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Welcome to our recovery community - I have no advice to give, because I think you're doing exactly what you need to be doing. I understand, though, that it hurts to see someone you love so much continue to hurt themselves through drinking or drugs. Please continue to seek out support in Al Anon, and also visit our Friends and Families forum. There is much support to be found.
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