Omega Man

Now officially on Day 11. Had my 4th meeting tonight. We had a visitor from WA. state that brought her parents in with her, visiting them for Christmas I guess. She wanted them there when she picked up her 6 month chip, it was pretty cool. Nice to know that you can always find a meeting when your traveling.

I really have to get back in the swing of work tomorrow, it's a little slow, but I been sliding on some stuff I should have completed by now. Seem a little low on the motivation meter lately, I'll have to fiqure that out.

I have to meet a client tomorrow after work to sign some stuff, at a restarunt with a very prominate bar in it. His favorite place and he drinks, he'll be a little surprised when I order an ice tea.
Oh well, gonna have to face the music sooner or later, can't hide here and AA meetings forever.
I'm not worried about it though, being around alcohol doesn't bother me. I've been trying to fiqure out what my big "triggers" are and that's not one of them.
Social settings, parties, where I don't know a lot of people definitely is. I'm kind of on the introverted side, not very outgoing. I'm not good at making small talk.

Anyway - just rambling and putting some thoughts down.

Curli/Gravity - make sure everyone stays in the wagon this time. I requested some extra strenght seatbelts, hopefully we don't loose anymore on the turns.

little duck

Congrats on another successful day, Omega. It's good to hear that AA is having a good impact. I haven't made it to a meeting yet, I'm hiding out right now at my parent's house where I'm drying out for a month. When I go back to school I think I'll have to finally get myself to some meetings. Being in college surrounded by kids getting blackout twice a weekend is going to be near impossible without some help. Though SR has helped me quite a lot.

I'm introverted as well, which is why that aluminum crutch worked so well for me. Pound a few beers, take a few bong hits, and suddenly that fear of women dissipates and is replaced by drunken wit. It's works for so many people, I think that's why it's so socially acceptable. It's a shame I just can't keep it to socially acceptable levels (not to mention the damage it'll do to myself if I keep it up.)

Facing the music will suck. But I'm ready for it - I think everyone that comes to SR is ready for it in some sense. I just hope that I have the strength and dexterity to continue facing the music, and if i relapse, I hope I can get back up again and not waste away again.

Anyway, I'm just rambling myself, insomnia and software development have left me in a introspective state. 9 days sober, 11 days without weed.

Best of luck and best wishes to everyone trying to kick the habit - gravity, Red Pirate, Airborne, curliQ, nodrinkingzone, trakin, Wine-not!, lambda, anyone I forgot and all the lurkers too. It sure isn't easy, but I'm starting to feel that it's completely worthwhile.

peace -

little duck

mmzxcv

Thanks for the replys everyone. They really helped. I finally got some sleep last night, even though it was on the sidewalk. Thankfully I wasn't alone because I had my girlfriend to help keep warm. This could be considered a bottom, homeless, unemployed, completely estranged from everyone in my family and friends. Things can still get worse: like have a stroke, having another drunken (non vehicular) accident like breaking bones and things of that nature, getting put in jail or a hospital. But I am not alone, though I am so self destructive at times I can see myself pushing my girlfriend away to continue to drink my life into oblivion.

I have read a lot of your stories and I think to myself how much farther down the scale I have gone than you. Yet, there is always farther down to go until death or suicide. I have been to a lot of AA meetings. I met some great people and some not-so-great people there. A lot of what I hear at AA meetings I consider BS, but there is also some invaluable wisdom to be found at those meetings. I remember my very first meeting. I was so overcome that I just went home and cried and cried. If only I had stopped this drinking AKA self destruction then. I still saw my family. I still had a job. I still had an apartment.

If I could have stopped drinking back then I know that I would have. I also realize that the drinking is really a symptom of my in-ability to function in life. So I am trying to learn how to function in this life in a way that meets my psychological and social needs. Our societies are really messed up in this world, the problems aren't all in my head. But I don't react to them in a way that is in my best interest. I have been choosing to stuff my emotions rather than to function in this society. I need to choose to act on my emotions and my psychological and social needs in order to stay sober.

I understand that I was taught to cope with life by hurting myself and ignoring my needs when I was a young child, though how to reprogram myself I know not. I am not blaming my parents here, merely expressing the reality that humans are taught what to expect as far as their stations in life when they are extremely young.

gravity

Hi mmzxcv,

Congratulations on getting to day 2. Reading your post really shows how courageous you are. It's very hard work to quit drinking and you have to rely upon whatever/whoever is available - AA (take from the meetings whatever is useful to you), your girlfriend, SR, your experience/knowledge.

I'm sorry that you are homeless, unemployed, and cut off from your family/friends but I honestly believe that you can get this back. I have seen this over and over again in my own family and among my friends. And, of course, your right. It could be worse!

Your insights about drinking resulting from an inability to function in life rings true for me as well, to a degree. The outside world is pretty messed up and it is tough to cope sometimes. For me, it is never in my best interest to react by drinking (how does this really help anyway?). My problem is I am not always 100% in this conviction and I need to be.

I also agree that a in a lot of cases, a persons thinking needs to be reprogrammed. For me, it is a good slap in the face when something I thought was absolutely true is proven wrong. I think it's about listening, learning, and being open minded. This is another thing that I need to practice.

Your courage helps me get/keep strong.Thank you for your post.

curliQ

I did not drink alcohol, I used it. I too was taught at an early age. Perfection is what I was taught. I was never taught that asking for help is not only ok, but sometimes a necessity. I was also not taught that those that love you want to help you. So when things got too tough for me I could not handle my imperfection. I felt a loser, though in every sense of the word I was not. It was not asking for help that made me a loser. I drank to forget I was not perfect and therefore a loser. I should have asked for help. Actually, I did ask my mom to fly up and help me. I remember the conversation very clearly. I was crying begging her to come.... and of course she made up with many excuses as to why she couldn't. Again, my imperfection gets rewarded.

But truthfully, I can blame it on everything I want. It was really about me being self indulgent. It doesn't matter the reason, I chose not to explore the reason, get help, talk it out. I chose to drink away the pain. You can call it self destruction. I think that's too dramatic. It implies that I gave a rats ass about myself, that I thought others would care if I self destructed. I call it self indulgence. It 's just easier to drink rather than take the very hard road of facing our shortcomings, accepting them, and realizing being human means we have them.

Being a drunk is easy. Being sober is really hard. It takes determination and guts. We all have that somewhere within us. I think we all also have at least one person who wants to be very proud of us for even one day of courage and sobriety. I know these are hard words. This is what it has come to mean for me. I have to care more about them than me. I have to stop indulging my weak, pantywaist side and realize I am stronger than my inclination to check out. I have to take what help I need to make this work. I have to seek out meetings, forums, love, and support. I have to make this work in whatever way I can, if not for myself, then for those that want to be proud of me, for whatever reason it is that keeps me strong at that very nano second. And it is measured in nano seconds. Last night I thought about it but remembered that I would probably sleep til noon and DS's poor lizard would not get fed. The poor little lizard, lying in his cage hungry kept me from having that first drink. Crazy but true.

So sound that battle cry... on to another day. :ghug3

MamaOf2

These are such wise words. I hope I can take those to heart myself.

Great thread - I'm appreciating everyone's stories and encouragement.

Hi everyone. On Day 2 (and feeling a bit like I'm going to cave.) I posted another intro thread. I'm a SAHM and I''m very fortunate to have the life that I do, but I've always (ie since teens) struggled with substance and eating disorder issues. Lots of drinking in high school/college/grad school, lots of drugs in college and grad school (including a nasty few years with a heavy coke habit - I managed to leave that behind.) Now I've got the perfect facade going, but at night I'm knocking back 2 bottles of wine and keeping that a relative secret (until a spectacularly humiliating Christmas night display of drunkeness.) Up in the morning, everyone taken care of, fed, happy - and I keep up the appearances (usually) until the kids are in bed and I can FINALLY drink. I'm just sick and tired of being a drunk.

curliQ

Mamaof2, you will find, as I did, that you are like so many of us. I was amazed how many of us are the perfect husbands or wives. We have houses, we pay our bills, we have businesses, we go to our kids' games and performances. Then, as soon as the door is closed on the evening, we drink ourselves away. I was up to 1/2 to 3/4 of a bottle of Barcardi. Yum. ManchurianC posted this for me and it made all the difference in the world to me. I posted that I never drove drunk. Here's his post:

The calculations look bad (when calculated for 3/4 of a 5th of 40% liquor per day):

(1 US gallon (3.7854 litre) /5) * 3/4 = 0.567816 litre per day

40% * 0.567816 = 22.71264 units of alcohol per day

7 * 22.71264 = 158.98848 units of alcohol per week.

(the world standard for a unit of alcohol is 1% alcohol in 1 litre of liquid, or 10 millilitres (or approximately 8 grams) of pure ethanol.

In Europe, the alcohol consumption recommendation is -

For women: no more than 3 units in a single day, and no more that 14 units per week, and at least 2 alcohol free days per week.

22 units per day is more than 7 times the safe daily limit and 158 units per week is more than 11 times the safe weekly limit.

The liver of an average female can process about 0.93 of a unit of alcohol per hour - so with 22.71264 per day, your liver is taking a right hammering (as well as your other organs and your brain).

I think if you drive, you are DUI all the time, and 158.98848 units per week, with no time off for your liver to recover, is slow suicide.

I had made the tentative decision to stop when this was posted, but this cemented it for me. Look at the numbers. Is it worth it? We are driving drunk. We have our little babies with us, and we still have alcohol in our system. I was dumbfounded that I had become this.

I was also very surprised at how many people are just like us. So, day 2 girl!! Hang in there. Come back often.

MamaOf2

Wow - to see it calculated like that is scary. I've never gotten behind the wheel of a car - I thought - with any alcohol in my system. Those numbers put that in a different perspective for me.

I really worry a lot about liver damage. It may sound bizarre, but except for my alcohol consumption, I'm really anal about my health (I work out a lot, eat a very healthful organic diet, etc.) I'm basically poisoning myself, but do everything else right. I don't think the miles I logged on the elliptical are going to matter much when I'm diagnosed with fatty liver or cirrohsis (sp?)P

Omega Man

Welcome Mamaof2 - I'm Omega, your alcoholic greeter. Glad you joined us here.
If you read through all the posts, I'm sure you noticed how many smart and caring moms we have here.
I find it amazing how similiar your story is to Wine-Not, Lambda and Curli, your not alone here.

You girls stick together, we're going to make it.

curliQ

Absolutely! I had been working out 5 days a week with no loss in weight. My first day here I was reading people's posts about the swelling of their guts and their fatty livers and I was SHOCKED that I had those same signs. I really couldn't believe it, I was relating to people who really had drinking problems... drunks if you will. Well, crap!! Lightbulb moment.... I have a problem!! I knew I had a problem, but man, I really have a problem!! Yeah, sure, I had the heart palpitations. But to see that I had the same signs that others who drink have really cemented it for me. And the calculations about my liver just put me over the edge. Do I really want my kids to come home from school and find their mom dead? I could hide my drunkenness, but I can't hide what I'm doing to my body. Do I really want them to live it? It's funny, I'm in the medical field, and yet somehow, I wasn't THAT guy (lady). But cha know what? I realized I AM THAT GUY. This is what the forum did for me.

When that little rat voice tells me to just enjoy one.... I go play a board game with my kids and drink so much water I want to puke.

Omega Man

I looked at this way, the normal human body processes 1 drink per hour. So if I drank 12 beers at night, finishing around 11 PM. Technically, I was still drunk when I drove to work.

Oh well, that is the past, but I too worry about liver damage.
The only thing I can do at this point is not to drink again. I have a Dr. appt next week and I will be getting all the blood work done, liver panel screen, cholesterol, etc. Find out how much, if any damage, I did. I do know that the liver is a pretty tough organ that will rebound to some degree if you give a break.

PS - I take milkweed thistle, it's supposed to be good for de-toxifying the liver from everyday toxins, including alcohol; but that's just my opinion not medical advice. Although I did have a PhD (persistant happyhour drinker) - but I gave that up.

MamaOf2

I've been taking a milk-thistle/dandelion root/artichoke/blessed thistle compound and also Kudzu root (Chinese herbalists give it to help with alcohol cravings - I'll let you know if it's useful at all!) I figured out the one drink/one hour processing thing - and that I wasn't technically sober on the day after Christmas until about 10am...and that's exactly when the nasty hang-over kicked in.

I hate the rat voice - I'm telling it I hear it, but I know it's ******** and that I'll much happier when I'm reading in bed tonight and when I'm working out tomorrow if I don't drink at all. I wish mine were old enough to play games (they're 2 and 3.) I settled for snuggling with them and reading them stories.

And yes, I am "that woman." I know that. My dirty little secret is rapidly coming to light. I've managed to keep the extent of my drinking to myself, but slowly and surely all of my family is figuring it out. I'm the one that keeps drinking after everyone else has switched to water, that quickly refills her wine glass when I'm alone in the room for a second, etc.

curliQ

Well today is day 7 and something happened this morning that hasn't happened since before I had kids. We went to bed pretty late last night. I awoke around 9, was clear and well-rested. I turned over to snuggle the blankets for a few minutes and low and behold, heard the clock chiming 10. I can't believe I slept til 10 without drinking. So, I got good sleep and I don't have a hangover.

Yesterday I had lots of heart flips. They had gone away so I hope they continue to. Haven't had any yet today. I still get the inside jitters that come and go. My thinking is definitely getting clearer.

The rat voice almost got the better of me yesterday though. DH really pissed me off. I used to drink when he made me mad so that I could continue to be the wonderful stepford wife I strive to be. Instead, I was just mad. I didn't yell or scream, just felt mad. Know what? The world didn't end, he didn't die, and our lives went on. That was my first experience being mad without turning to alcohol to dull it.

Hmm, maybe global warming, AIDS, and the starving children all around the world are not hinged on my existence after all. What a relief!!

Omega Man

Curli - you are in such a better place, state of mind. I can see it in your posts. Your more upbeat, hopeful, we're all proud of you!

trakin

Thanks for your posts Momof2 and CurliQ...

I'm also a mom of two plus several little furry, feathered and fuzzy ones.

And, I'm also my own evil twin.

Just like you, Momof 2, I log weekly miles on the treadmill, in the weight- room, on the elliptical, the spin bikes...you name it. I go to a personal trainer who kicks my butt twice a week and I coach two youth sports teams.... I cook really healthy meals and read quite a lot about nutrition and health. Got a closet full of vitamins. Milk-thistle? Yup. Got that.


But then, nights on the weekends, I come home and drink myself into oblivion.

What the heck?! I am a house divided against herself....

To be continued....

trakin

Sorry...had to stop for a moment to go bathe one of my kids..

where was I? I forget.

Anyway, I'm glad you two are here. The people posting in this thread are great. It's really been helping me to read what you've written, as well as those posts from Omega Man, Gravity and others.

I'm on day two after a bit of a false start. I plan to keep coming back. Hope to talk more with you in the future.

MMZ: Please listen to Gravity and please keep coming back here. I'm worried about your situation. I hope you can find somewhere safe to stay.

nogard

I have a dog sitting on each shoulder. The one I choose to feed is the one who survives.

Whatevr your doing that works keep doing it and look around for more info support and nourishment

gravity

Finishing up day 11 without a drink. A good day. Stuff around the house, being Dad. I went to AA meeting #4 tonight, different group of people. I was much more relaxed at this meeting. Still getting over the 'stigma' of going to AA meetings but I think that will disappear in time. The similarities in life experiences, not just with alcohol, was mind-blowing. It was like Sober Recovery in 3D!

I feel very fortunate to have SR and the people I met & heard in the AA meetings I attended to help me through this. I have had some successes in the past doing it on my own (nothing permanent obviously!) and I really hope that the support I am getting is what it takes to finally break the chains.

In reading the recent entries in this thread, I had to laugh at myself over the lengths I go to stay healthy yet poison myself on a regular basis. I exercise everyday, my diet is good. Just another part of the contradiction that is my life!

Omega Man

You know, since we have a Yank, a Brit, an Aussie and a Canuck in here, I was reminded of the following story.

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. *Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

gravity

LOL!!!


I bet someone from France join this thread next!
:AR15firin

Always welcome of course!