nodrinkingzone

and I was actually very impressed. I was incredibly anxious, holding back tears (unsuccessfully) as I walked up the street, but then I found the building and there were a bunch of very friendly, kind and reassuring people waiting out the front and chatting.

I have had a rough week, my fiancee left me a week ago (for good, this time), I blacked out at the work christmas party and smashed my head on some bricks at the restaurant, and woke up at my house with what feels like a broken rib, and covered in bruises. I have no idea what happened.

I go into complete psychotic episodes when I blackout, just start raving lunatic stuff that makes no sense to anybody but me, and have been doing so for years. This also happens when I take E (which I haven't done for a couple of years now). I suspect this to be the result of a huge intake of LSD when I was younger, hundreds and hundreds of trips over a few years, but it could also have something to do with the Heroin I used for two years (and the E, and the speed after that). When I gave up smack about 8 years ago I went to a bottle of vodka a day, straight shots - 4 for breakfast, and continue on like so... These days it's usually two bottles of wine a day, every day after work. Weekends, all day, every day. Days off, all day every day. I have probably drunk 2 cases of wine in the last week, since my fiance left. I have started drinking wine at work, which will most definitely get me fired if it continues.

Alcohol and drug addiction has ruined everything in my life that I loved. It has been directly responsible for the destruction of my relationships w/ friends, lovers and myself. It has cost me jobs, and I almost lost my current one after the incident a couple of days ago.

I do not have psychotic episodes unless I load up on drugs or alcohol. Generally, I am kind, intelligent, well-spoken, gentle and funny when I am sober.

I cannot do this any more. I lasted for one month and one day last year, and straight back in afterwards. If I continue this pattern of behaviour I will ruin my life permanently, and without question. I am unable to stop drinking on my own, I just cannot do it. The first time I got drunk I was 13, and I drank so much my parents thought I was dead.

I am prepared to do whatever it takes. I will read the literature, and listen to the people who have been there. I met some of them tonight, people from the gutter and beyond. While I am amazed I have managed to retain at least some of my brain cells (for the most part) thus far, I have assured myself that all will be lost if I do not cease this hellish lifestyle.

I am sorry for just letting it all flow out here, but I have to - I didn't feel safe sharing my experiences on my first visit, so I thought I would just anonymously write all this down where I know that other people who understand will read it. I have been caught in an alley, shooting up heroin - and managed to crawl out of that hole, go back to university, get a degree and travel the world. I will not lose my life again to addiction, I will not. And saying that, it looks like I already have - well, I will beat this. I will. And I will beat it with the help and support of a bunch of strangers, because no-one else is able to help me this time.

I will be going to my second meeting tomorrow, and my third the day after that. Enough is enough. I have never prayed to any 'higher power' before, but I'm going to start - I need all the help I can get.

Thanks for listening, you all seem like a nice bunch of people. I have read many stories on this board in the last two days, and shed many tears of horror and reflection and worry and hope and understanding along with you all.

tkdan

Welcome to SR. It would be wise to see a Dr while you detox it can be dangerous. You have come to a good place there are many wonderful people here. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. God bless.

hjen

So glad you had the courage to attend your 1st AAmeeting.It will work if you continue to admit you are powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable.Those bunch of strangers are your lifeline as they have been as i have too in exactly the same situation and on a 24hour basis have learnt to NOT pick up the fist drink one day at a time.Just keep listening to the similarities and not the differences.It is hard to share at the beginning so writing down your experience is sharing and i cried for months.

congratulations on your first step of recovery.
jen

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, zone! keep reaching out! support, k

CarolD

Hi and Welcome to SR!

AA? and awesome adventure for sure!

Blessings

nandm

Welcome to SR.

I can not tell you what was said or who was there at my first A.A. meeting but I can distinctly remember the feeling I walked away from it with.

That was hope, a feeling I had not felt in years. Today I know that hope I felt was not a false hope but a hope based on others experience, strength, and hope. Now I have some experience, strength and hope of my own to share. Keep coming back and before you know it you will find strength to go with that hope.

1963comet

Just want to say hi and welcome.

Justme57

Hi there from a fellow Aussie!

I do hope you continue to go to AA meetings, have an open mind, sit and listen for te similarities, not the differences, and if you hear something familiar, seek out the speaker after a meeting, and chat.

if you are in melbourne, and anxious going alone, i would be happy to meet you @ a meeting, if I am off work, let me know if I can help

best luck

leigh

Rowan

Welcome to our recovery community, and welcome to a new life!
I'm so glad that you decided to join us, and that you are taking steps to get well. Please continue to post and let us be there for you.

Anna

Welcome!

I am glad you're taking care of yourself.

Wagoneer

nodrinkingzone,

Thank you for posting this. After reading this and realizing for a while now that I've needed to do something, I finally went to my first AA meeting. I was full of anxiety (and with a humongous hangover from a blackout night last night) and almost drove away before something in me just accepted the fact that I need help and can't do this alone. I won't be able to go tomorrow since I'll be traveling on business, but I plan to go again on Wednesday..Thursday, etc.

I'm so ready to have this behavior behind me.

CarolD

Wagoneer.....Welcome!

It's good to know you are
planning to join us on the recovery road!

nodrinkingzone

Thanks so much for the warm welcome, ladies and gentlemen. I really appreciate it.

I went to a meeting today, but read the list wrong and it was NA, not AA. I could have gone in, but I just had a chuckle, said "I kicked smack 8 years ago, but I gotta stop drinking! thanks guys, and all the best!" and went to work instead.

I am still a bit cramped, and a bit sweaty, but I have been eating heaps of organic fruit and veggies and taking lots of herbal medicines (including zinc, milkthistle - which I cannot recommend highly enough, licourice and vitamin B tabs) and the worst is over.

It was my last day at work today - the guy next to me opened a bottle of wine halfway through the shift and starts drinking - I politely declined. Then my team gathers for our weekly tasting (we have to taste all the wines we are selling each week - usually I can slam a bottle or so down in half an hour and buzz through the rest of my shift on the phone) and I politely declined... after my behaviour, and with obvious bruises and injuries from the xmas party it was not a big deal for me to say 'ahhh - I'm taking a bit of a break'.

At the end of my shift, I won a heineken six-pack gift box w/ glasses - which I dropped off at a friends place on the way home, by way of a xmas present for him.

It's weird, I think that even though I am still suffering (fairly slight, in comparison to what I've experienced before) withdrawal symptoms, I have made my decision not to drink and that is that. I believe this will get harder, not easier, so I'm going to a meeting tomorrow to hear some more stories and maybe share one or two of my own. I figured today that I should go to work and be surrounded by alcohol, as that is exactly what will happen at Xmas/NYE for the next 2 weeks anyway - and we all need to be strong, and know that saying no is the only way to not get hammered and lose our dignity.

That being said, I wonder if I might have to look for a new job next year, purely for my own sanity - although it might be better if I stay in contact with other alcoholics (I work with many, many drunks) so that I can see what I don't want to be any more? hmmm... it's tough. I like my job, and I am good at it, but there's no use putting myself into constant temptation, unless we consider that life is constant temptation, and we will always need to be able to say 'no, thank you'.

Wagoneer, I am touched and honoured that you went to a meeting after reading my story. I hope you got the same feeling of hope, welcome and acceptance as I did. Please keep us posted on how it goes for you.

I hear you, because walking through that door was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, there were tears in my eyes, I am not ashamed to say. It will only get easier from here, for both of us, I am sure.

Cheers, and all the best for all of you.

nodrinkingzone

Oh, just on the note of a 'higher power' thing - I am a believer in all things happening for a reason. Well, I read a horoscope today just because it was there, and it read:

"Quick, go shopping. Peace, love and understanding are at bargain prices. Down in the dairy department, the milk of human kindness is on special. What do you mean, you can't buy these things? This is Christmas in the 21st century. Everything is for sale. Thankfully, that which is truly priceless remains as precious as ever. You don't need to afford it; you just need to appreciate it. You are moments away from the answer to your big question."

And that removed just about any doubt I had that I'm doing the right thing!

Tazman53

You have the key!!!! The willingness to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober!!!!

You have another important key there, the willingness to reach out for help, especially reaching out to people who have recovered from alcoholism. It is one thing to learn about alcoholism and how to treat it in a book/classroom and quite another thing to have been in the bowels of Hades because of alcoholism and then being led out of the bowels of Hades by those who have been there and know the way out.

These strangers you mention will become life long friends, they will be people from all walks of life that if not for the fellowship of AA you would probably have never associated with.

Keep in mind that the Higher Power is one of your understanding, not someone elses, as long as you seek your HP, your HP will give you the guidance and the power you need to overcome this.

nodrinkingzone one thing I would highly reccommend you do is ask some one to be your "temporary sponsor", they are a type of guide or mentor in AA. Get phone numbers of folks, I can tell you right now that when my arse was on fire for a drink in early sobriety calling someone in the program saved me from drinking and the neat thing is we/they love to get phone calls from fellow AA folks even if it is just to BS or 4 AM because someone is thinking about having a drink.

One of the main reasons AA works is because it is alcoholics helping alcoholics get and stay sober.

Tazman53

Justme that brought a tear to an old mans eye..... that is how AA works, love for your fellow alcoholic/man!!!

wagoneer glad to hear that you went to your first, read things said to nodrinkingzone, AA saved my life and millions of other alcoholics, follow suggestions, go to meetings, get a temporary sponsor to start.

nodrinkingzone in case you have not heard of 12th stepping you have already done your first, your sharing influenced wagoneer to go to his first meeting!

In regards to your job, that is one you will have to work out on your own, from what you have shared it may not be the best work enviroment in early sobriety, but then again there are recovered bartenders in AA so it is possible!

Hang in there mate, it gets better with every 24 hours.

sticker

and dont think N.A. isnt for you. we deal with addiction no matter what your drug of choice is. hang in there man, we are all pullin for ya

nodrinkingzone

Thanks all - I'm doin ok. Went to my second meeting today, and realised how completely different one meeting can be from another. This was much more insular, with a much older, more established group of people. They were friendly, but almost a little bit uncomfortable... to have a newbie there, if that makes sense? Anyway, I got up and told my story, and they were all supportive (of course!), and I got the number of another guy who I think I could call without a problem if I was in trouble.

So this is Day 3 for me, still sweating and cramped in my back/neck, but not shaking and actually feeling pretty good. I've been busy, cooking and cleaning and listening to music and trying to keep myself occupied - still have to buy a couple of presents, organising travel arrangements over the next two weeks - and thinking about attending interstate meetings while I'm out and about. I figure, every meeting's a new one at this point, so it won't make a difference which one I go to, so long as I make it along. I don't think I am an every single day person, but a couple of times a week at least seems like a good idea to me. Of course, this may change as I continue with my recovery. I am not planning anything at the moment, just getting on with things and reading a lot, trying to get as healthy as possible, eating good and relaxing now that work has finished for the year... woooo!

I am sure that you have all heard all of this before, but I really appreciate getting feedback from people in this way. I am unsure where the steps begin, or how the process starts, but I assume that by going to meetings and learning the system all this will unfold as it should.

Thanks again, you're all excellent.

barb dwyer

hi ndz -

a belated welcome! glad to see you're attending meetings and coping with withdrawals ... we're here pretty much 24/7 - just somethign to keep in mind for your travel plans.

nodrinkingzone

Thanks Barb, I started posting here a few days ago after one of those 'long dark night of the soul' type moments, and since people were nice enough to reply and welcome me I figured I'd just keep posting and get all the advice and help I could.

Thanks for offering it, too - this forum has already made a difference in my life, after only three days. That is pretty awesome, if you ask me!