Tips On Keeping Your Holiday Season Sober And Joyous
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
Tips On Keeping Your Holiday Season Sober And Joyous
1) If you don't want to slip, don't go where it's slippery! This means that
we should avoid drinking occasions if we think they are going to be
troublesome for us. Whether they are or not depends a bit on how much
progress we have made with the Steps. But for my first year, I was advised
to make it a rule "Don't go unless you have a good reason for being there."
In my first year, I would very definitely not enjoy myself at a drinking
occasion, and I certainly would not write any new business (come to think of
it, I never wrote any business at a drinking occasion, despite what my
expense claims of the time may have said...). These days, I can take them or
leave them alone. I went to the company Christmas Party and had a good time.
I chose at the last moment not to go to the team dinner (I was tired and
stressed by an end-of-project deadline, and I could not see how sitting
around watching a bunch of amateurs do silly things on an amount of booze
that would not even have wet my whistle was going to improve my mood.)
2) Just because my family "expects" me to attend their Christmas
celebration, does not mean I have to! Some of us come from families that
turn into real animal farms of drinking, drugging, arguing, and blaming at
Christmas time. These things can be a challenge when you have been sober for
a few years. In early sobriety, they come under the heading of things we
cannot yet do. So I did not try. There were plenty of occasions when I did
not turn up when I was expected because I was too drunk: now there are a
couple I have missed because I was too sober! It was more than two years
into my sobriety before I could handle my family with any degree of
serenity. In the early days, I just did not go. Sure, I got the telephone
calls about how Aunt Mathilda has flown all the way from England and really
wants to see you. To which my sponsor taught me to respond "Fine: If she
really loves me, she will understand that I cannot attend this year. Tell
her I am quite happy for her to have a cup of tea with me around here, but I
am not coming to the house this year."
3) Do not become "designated driver" for anyone. In early sobriety, watching
a large group of my friends partying-on and getting loaded was quite
stressful. When I began to feel pressured, I left. That is not possible if
you have to try to prize a carload of drunks who have now got the taste for
it out of a party. When we start to feel uncomfortable, we must have the
ability to leave immediately, that instant. It takes more strength of
character than I would have had to say "Me and the car are leaving now, you
guys come now or walk home."
4) Do not go to any drinking occasion unless you have your own independent
means of getting home. That means take your own car, or have the taxi fare
in your pocket, or make sure the busses are running all night. Getting
trapped in a party because your ride does not want to leave until three am.
is a slow and gruesome form of torture. You need the ability to be able to
say "Well I feel a little queasy, so I am going home." They do not need to
know that it is your head, not your stomach, that is playing up. 5) You do
not have to explain that you are not drinking. After a few years now, I am
getting quite good at this. At the works Christmas party, only one person
asked me if I would like a drink (he was on his way to the bar and offered
to get me one). I said "No thanks" and he carried on without another word.
The trick is to say "No thanks" in a firm, neutral voice. If you sound
nervous or uncertain, social drinkers think you are asking them to talk you
into having a drink, so they will try. If you simply say "No" firmly, in a
neutral tone, they will accept that you know your own mind (if only they
knew...) and not raise the subject again.
6) The only people who will persist with offers of drinks are people who
have a problem. Often, it is the problem that you and I know a bit about.
Try this four-stage fall-back when someone persists: "No thanks" or "No
thanks, I don't want one." or "Look, I have told you twice already I do not
want a drink." or "I can't understand why you are so interested in whether
or not I am drinking-you don't have a problem with the booze, do you?" Trust
me, that will be the last you hear of them. Whatever you do, do not explain.
That only makes them worse. You may have already discovered that social
drinkers cannot understand our explanations of alcoholism. That is because
those explanations are not true for them. Their bodies do not react the same
way to the infusion of alcohol that ours do. Whatever we say about drinking
can never make any sense to social drinkers, because their bodies just don't
work that way. For the same reason, when they are talking about what they
call "drinking", they're talking about one or two glasses of booze. They're
not talking about the three-week blackout that many of us describe as "a
little drink".
7) You may need more meetings in the festive season than you ordinarily do
to remain on an even keel. I certainly do. Plan this ahead, particularly if
you are traveling to somewhere you do not ordinarily attend meetings. Know
ahead of time where the meetings are, have a detailed map that shows the
location of the meeting, and know how you are going to get there. Don't bet
your life on a meeting that may be closed on Christmas Day. If you are going
from the city to a country town, obtain a detailed map: street signs are
going to be a bit thin on the ground, and street numbers may not be there at
all. Similarly, whereas the public transport is frequent and reliable in a
city, you may have to make other arrangements in rural areas. Whatever
arrangements you make, be careful about accepting family promises to drive
you to meetings. They may not understand that your life may depend on you
getting to a meeting now, not "tomorrow".
8) If you do attend a drinking occasion, watch your drink. People who do not
understand alcoholism may think it is "funny" to put something in your
drink. Hold onto it or keep it where you can see it. After a few years of
practice, I have finally discovered that I can actually survive for long
periods at a party without having a drink of any sort in my hand! These
days, I get a drink if I am thirsty, drink it, and put the glass down. I do
not have to wander round holding the damn glass all night these days!
9) Keep that phone running hot. Other alkies are feeling as restless as you
during the festive season. They will appreciate a "how are you doing?" call
just as much as you will appreciate talking to them. These are the things
that I did for my first sober Christmas. I organized to stay with people who
drank very little, and made it clear that the only thing I would have to do
each day was get to a meeting. I said the meeting each day was not
negotiable, but the time might be. I would sort out which meeting I was
going to that day over breakfast, so the people I was staying with and
myself could plan our day. I am glad I did all those things then. I am
equally glad that, as a result of the Steps, I do not have to do those
things so rigidly today. I guess I still use all those techniques, but I do
it almost unconsciously these days. I do not have to spend much time
organizing my way to and from drinking occasions these days, because most of
the time I choose not to go. Perhaps the only thing I do for Christmas these
days that I would not have done before is go to the local Detox for
Christmas lunch (I actually get there some time between 10 am and 2 PM). If
you can fit that in (you do not have to stay long) you may find it is a very
special experience. It is for me.
Cheers and happy festivals...
we should avoid drinking occasions if we think they are going to be
troublesome for us. Whether they are or not depends a bit on how much
progress we have made with the Steps. But for my first year, I was advised
to make it a rule "Don't go unless you have a good reason for being there."
In my first year, I would very definitely not enjoy myself at a drinking
occasion, and I certainly would not write any new business (come to think of
it, I never wrote any business at a drinking occasion, despite what my
expense claims of the time may have said...). These days, I can take them or
leave them alone. I went to the company Christmas Party and had a good time.
I chose at the last moment not to go to the team dinner (I was tired and
stressed by an end-of-project deadline, and I could not see how sitting
around watching a bunch of amateurs do silly things on an amount of booze
that would not even have wet my whistle was going to improve my mood.)
2) Just because my family "expects" me to attend their Christmas
celebration, does not mean I have to! Some of us come from families that
turn into real animal farms of drinking, drugging, arguing, and blaming at
Christmas time. These things can be a challenge when you have been sober for
a few years. In early sobriety, they come under the heading of things we
cannot yet do. So I did not try. There were plenty of occasions when I did
not turn up when I was expected because I was too drunk: now there are a
couple I have missed because I was too sober! It was more than two years
into my sobriety before I could handle my family with any degree of
serenity. In the early days, I just did not go. Sure, I got the telephone
calls about how Aunt Mathilda has flown all the way from England and really
wants to see you. To which my sponsor taught me to respond "Fine: If she
really loves me, she will understand that I cannot attend this year. Tell
her I am quite happy for her to have a cup of tea with me around here, but I
am not coming to the house this year."
3) Do not become "designated driver" for anyone. In early sobriety, watching
a large group of my friends partying-on and getting loaded was quite
stressful. When I began to feel pressured, I left. That is not possible if
you have to try to prize a carload of drunks who have now got the taste for
it out of a party. When we start to feel uncomfortable, we must have the
ability to leave immediately, that instant. It takes more strength of
character than I would have had to say "Me and the car are leaving now, you
guys come now or walk home."
4) Do not go to any drinking occasion unless you have your own independent
means of getting home. That means take your own car, or have the taxi fare
in your pocket, or make sure the busses are running all night. Getting
trapped in a party because your ride does not want to leave until three am.
is a slow and gruesome form of torture. You need the ability to be able to
say "Well I feel a little queasy, so I am going home." They do not need to
know that it is your head, not your stomach, that is playing up. 5) You do
not have to explain that you are not drinking. After a few years now, I am
getting quite good at this. At the works Christmas party, only one person
asked me if I would like a drink (he was on his way to the bar and offered
to get me one). I said "No thanks" and he carried on without another word.
The trick is to say "No thanks" in a firm, neutral voice. If you sound
nervous or uncertain, social drinkers think you are asking them to talk you
into having a drink, so they will try. If you simply say "No" firmly, in a
neutral tone, they will accept that you know your own mind (if only they
knew...) and not raise the subject again.
6) The only people who will persist with offers of drinks are people who
have a problem. Often, it is the problem that you and I know a bit about.
Try this four-stage fall-back when someone persists: "No thanks" or "No
thanks, I don't want one." or "Look, I have told you twice already I do not
want a drink." or "I can't understand why you are so interested in whether
or not I am drinking-you don't have a problem with the booze, do you?" Trust
me, that will be the last you hear of them. Whatever you do, do not explain.
That only makes them worse. You may have already discovered that social
drinkers cannot understand our explanations of alcoholism. That is because
those explanations are not true for them. Their bodies do not react the same
way to the infusion of alcohol that ours do. Whatever we say about drinking
can never make any sense to social drinkers, because their bodies just don't
work that way. For the same reason, when they are talking about what they
call "drinking", they're talking about one or two glasses of booze. They're
not talking about the three-week blackout that many of us describe as "a
little drink".
7) You may need more meetings in the festive season than you ordinarily do
to remain on an even keel. I certainly do. Plan this ahead, particularly if
you are traveling to somewhere you do not ordinarily attend meetings. Know
ahead of time where the meetings are, have a detailed map that shows the
location of the meeting, and know how you are going to get there. Don't bet
your life on a meeting that may be closed on Christmas Day. If you are going
from the city to a country town, obtain a detailed map: street signs are
going to be a bit thin on the ground, and street numbers may not be there at
all. Similarly, whereas the public transport is frequent and reliable in a
city, you may have to make other arrangements in rural areas. Whatever
arrangements you make, be careful about accepting family promises to drive
you to meetings. They may not understand that your life may depend on you
getting to a meeting now, not "tomorrow".
8) If you do attend a drinking occasion, watch your drink. People who do not
understand alcoholism may think it is "funny" to put something in your
drink. Hold onto it or keep it where you can see it. After a few years of
practice, I have finally discovered that I can actually survive for long
periods at a party without having a drink of any sort in my hand! These
days, I get a drink if I am thirsty, drink it, and put the glass down. I do
not have to wander round holding the damn glass all night these days!
9) Keep that phone running hot. Other alkies are feeling as restless as you
during the festive season. They will appreciate a "how are you doing?" call
just as much as you will appreciate talking to them. These are the things
that I did for my first sober Christmas. I organized to stay with people who
drank very little, and made it clear that the only thing I would have to do
each day was get to a meeting. I said the meeting each day was not
negotiable, but the time might be. I would sort out which meeting I was
going to that day over breakfast, so the people I was staying with and
myself could plan our day. I am glad I did all those things then. I am
equally glad that, as a result of the Steps, I do not have to do those
things so rigidly today. I guess I still use all those techniques, but I do
it almost unconsciously these days. I do not have to spend much time
organizing my way to and from drinking occasions these days, because most of
the time I choose not to go. Perhaps the only thing I do for Christmas these
days that I would not have done before is go to the local Detox for
Christmas lunch (I actually get there some time between 10 am and 2 PM). If
you can fit that in (you do not have to stay long) you may find it is a very
special experience. It is for me.
Cheers and happy festivals...
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Rusty,
Thank you so much for posting this. I was invited to a get together tonight and at the last minute I spoke with my partner about not going, because last time we went to this particular person's house they had red wine all over the place and I found it hard. It's been a long week, I'm still in the middle of my fourth step which brings up a lot of crap and I'm not feeling too comfy about not having any cravings.
Your post helped me to remember that I can say no.
Thanks!
Karen
Thank you so much for posting this. I was invited to a get together tonight and at the last minute I spoke with my partner about not going, because last time we went to this particular person's house they had red wine all over the place and I found it hard. It's been a long week, I'm still in the middle of my fourth step which brings up a lot of crap and I'm not feeling too comfy about not having any cravings.
Your post helped me to remember that I can say no.
Thanks!
Karen
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 179
Thanks a bunch, for someone in early sobriety like myself this is exactly what I needed to read. I have no practice saying no to drinks/drugs, and it's nice to have this as a reminder. These practices are so simple, yet they seem very foreign when you are put on the spot. Thanks again!
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