Anodyne

Has anyone slipped up, like, reasonably decently but not super horribly,
for about a week or so, and then been afraid/ashamed to face your group
and councelors and sober friends?

This is where I'm at right now.
After over two months of sobriety, I slipped up once, for one night.
Got myself back on track (so I thought) and then had a stressor/annoyance
in my life on Friday, went out and got some beer


Every day after I was continuing to drink because drunk I didn't care about
reality and would just refuse to go to AA or group, and thus 'ignore' what I didn't want to face.

It was crappy, and ended only after I got repeatedly punched in the face
for how I was behaving and what I was saying to the wrong kind of person.
- According to someone who was there and sober, I completely asked for it/
brought it on myself.

I'm pretty irked right now, but at the same time kind of thankful, because
it was shoking enough to get me to have now gotten rid of all the beer and
called my councilers and sponsor and been honest.

I'm still a bit ashamed and afraid of going back, but it's the only right thing
to do, so that's what I'll do.

Anna

Shame is a really difficult part of sobriety. I wasn't in your situation exactly, but the shame and guilt of facing my life kept me from getting sober for a very long time. I just felt I couldn't face it and would keep avoiding it by drinking. Not a good idea! There is no way around facing reality when you are beginning recovery and the only thing to do is to get through it. I think you might come to pay less attention to what other people think about you, as you move through recovery.

Astro

Hi Anodyne,

Can't say that a slip or relapse is part of my story, I haven't had the obsession to drink since my first AA meeting in '05.

There are a few things I've heard shared at AA meetings relating to your situation, with almost 3 years of sobriety I know they're true. We don't shoot our wounded in AA, it's the simple motto of "keep coming back, it works if you work it". We want you to have the life that we've found in sobriety, so just keep coming back and if possible don't leave until the miracle happens. Trust me, it will happen eventually. The important thing is that you make it back in, many people go back out and never return.

If you're ashamed and afraid to go back to the group you started with, how about finding a new meeting and getting a fresh start?

gypsytears

I understand you are afraid and ashamed but your group and counselors will understand. It's probably the best place to be right now. I'm sure others there will have some experience with a similar situation. It's not as bad as you think... you'll see.

Pinkcuda

The longer you wait, the harder it gets.

_Charm_

I can understand the shame. I've had my share of screwing up. But, for me, it's much harder to live in secrecy and avoid the people who can help me than it is to admit I can't do it on will power alone & that I'm an alcoholic. They do understand. If I were over weight I wouldn't wait until I were in shape to join the gym. If I woke up with red spots all over my body I wouldn't be embarrassed to see a doctor. Try not to be so hard on yourself. It's really good that you called your support system and that you were honest. Trust in the process and don't give up!

Anodyne

Thanks everyone, and aye, Pink, aye.
I did call my counselors, and they did tell me that while sure, there is
some dissapointment, no one is 'mad' at me, they are just concerned and
want me to come back.

I agree that it's the best place I can be right now, and maybe for some years
to come.

I like the group (mostly haha) that there is here, which is good because there
is only one in town.

I'm going to go to AA, either tonight or tomorrow morning, and I have group
rehab again on Sunday (does not meet Friday-Saturday), and I'm going to go.
I'm going to admit (as if most everyone probably doesn't already know) that
I fell off the wagon, and be able to look my peers, friends, and counselors in the eye, instead of hiding and lying (as I am wont to do while drinking).

And if I don't go back, if I keep putting it off, I'll end up in the same position
or a worse one all over again.

Grr at slick. Grr.

Zanthos

Back in the early 90s, I put together days, weeks and months of not drinking over a period of a couple of years. I went to AA meetings, but it didn't "take". Then starting in 1994, I didn't drink or drug for over 3 years. Went to lots of AA meetings, but didn't work a program of recovery.

Looking back on those periods of "sobriety", I can't really say I slipped or relapsed. Dry time does not equal sobriety. What I can say is that I clearly failed to learn what I needed to learn in order to live without drinking. Whatever I was doing, whatever I thought I was doing, I was not in recovery. I had not given myself over to a Higher Power, I had not taken responsibility for who and what I am, I was not being honest with myself or others about my need for help and my inability to live life on life's terms.

Anodyne, may I please suggest that rather than thinking about what others will think of you, you focus instead on what you really want out of the Life you have ahead of you? Are you aware that it is possible to live a life of peace, contentedness, and usefulness? Do you know that you have the ability, if you learn how to use it, to meet any circumstances or challenges life brings your way with strength, courage and the ability to withstand suffering? Do you know that life can be an incredible adventure characterized by gratitude, wonder, mystery, and an unbounded sense of freedom?

We can learn to live that kind of life if (a) we understand and believe it is possible, (b) we want it more than anything else, and (c) we open our minds and hearts to a process of learning, growth, and change that can be accomplished through the Steps and other programs of spiritual development.

I hope you can identify that part of you that wants more than anything else to be happy, whole and free. Then, let nothing else get in the way of learning what you need to learn to release that part of you from the cage of fear, ego, greed, pride, etc. that entraps us all. Everything you need to learn is in the Big Book, the Twelve and Twelve, 24 Hours A Day, Came to Believe, The Sermon on the Mount, and a host of other literature. Practice honesty, hope, faith, responsibility, humility, patience, acceptance, and service to others, and you simply will not drink again.

I just passed the 3 year mark (again), and I am still just a newcomer -- a toddler -- to Life, to my spiritual development, to practicing how to life as a healthy human being.

Anodyne

Zanthos - Thank you for your words, for your experiance and sharing it with me.
It's interesting, some of the first stuff you said almost instantly made me think
of the fact that I had already decided I needed to "Work the steps" better than I had been - today is the first time out of during a meeting that I have read from the Big Book.

But, you're absolutely right, the last thing I need to worry about is what
people think of me (Though I tell you, it's hard, when you are overly ashamed of yourself), when compared to how much I should focus on
getting true sobriety, saftey, sanity, etc.

I'm just very glad that I have a support network, and that people
with experiance and training know me and are offering me help.

Zanthos

I hear you, Anodyne. I really hear you!

I was so ashamed of who and what I was that I hid it away from myself and everyone else for my whole life. I was always pretending to be OK and pretending to have it together when inside I was so lost, confused, frightened, and lonely. In some ways, I still am -- but much less so than before.

Take who and what you are right now to a meeting and SHARE it with the group. Those feelings of shame and fear, if you share them, will create a very beautiful experience for you and whoever else is at that meeting (well, most of them ). The only way I could face who I was was to share it with other people. And the only way I could begin an honest program of recovery was to face who I was.

You have nothing to hide. What you feel about yourself now, even though it's painful and awkward and scary, is something profoundly human and therefore beautiful. All you are right now is a wounded miracle. And that's not a bad thing! It's just who you are. Today. Everything you're feeling is something I have felt, and countless others who walk this planet have felt and feel. You're definitely not alone, unless you delude yourself into believing you are.

Of course you feel shame. But now it's time to share that shame, to give it to the group as a gift, a gift of your honesty, humanity, and need.

We all need each other, Anodyne. Our culture teaches us the lie that we can manage our own lives, that we can walk through life with the illusion of self-sufficiency. Fortunately, us alcoholics tend to arrive at a point in time where in order to keep living, and to live better, we have to give up that big lie, reach out to others, become a part of something bigger than ourselves. That's the path of wholeness and well-being. And it is well worth the effort (because truly your old self will be kicking screaming with every step you take to leave it behind). As part of my program of spiritual development, I have to tell my diseased old self to f**k off every now and then.

Anodyne, you are better off having picked up again now and discovering that maybe this recovery stuff involves more than you've realized. It's not about "not drinking". It's not about escaping the past. It's about standing in the present and facing forward towards a hopeful, attractive future. Perhaps you have avoided the 3+ years I spend not drinking, but not changing either. I was still self-centered, anxious, lonely, afraid of life, angry, bitter, contemptuous, and just an all-around poor example of humanity.

I needed to make a wholesale change in who and what I was. And I didn't know how to do it. And I didn't know if it would work. And I didn't know what the future would bring. So I had to ask for help, over and over again. And I had to learn new ways of thinking, feeling and acting -- and try them out and practice them all day, every day. And slowly, things changed.

If you've learned more about yourself, more about the nature of your dis-ease, and more about what might be involved in recovering, then you've just had some of the best days of your life these past few days. And one day you'll see it for exactly that!

If there's anything you ever want to talk about, just let me know.

Anodyne

Wow...that was, intense to read haha.
But seriously it kinda was.
Thank you, again.

I have been in an intensive outpatient rehab, as well as going to AA,
and when I am -at- the place, I really put myself into it, I pay attention
to whatever the counselor has going on that day, and try and retain what
I've learned, but I do believe that I also have to 'work the steps' at AA to
achieve want a want - a life and a future, full of integrity and peace, at least
within myself, and just..something better than where I've been.

I did fall into the group of people who when, after being sober for a couple weeks, were rather startled to realize that everything wasn't magically all better...depression and anxiety still existed, were someone different to deal with, as I hadn't been used to dealing with them sober for ten years now,
but, I learned that that is fairly common, and that while those emotional/mental issues didn't magically disappear, facing them and dealing
with them sober will most likely be monsterously better and productive than being drunk and destructive.

Now I'm just rambling, but what I mean to say is, thank you, for what all you had to say, the time and thought you put into it, too. If you got your life switched around..and really face towards the future with hope and good things, hopefully I can too, and so many others who are seeking help against
an enemy that is cunning, baffling, powerful. But not undefeatable.

Zanthos

You weren't rambling. And you're welcome. Yeah, I'm pretty intense about this stuff because I spent most of my life in intense pain. I've been "diagnosed" as depressed, bi-polar, neurotic, psychotic, you name it. But the truth is, all I was was a person in pain.

I think it can be harder for guys in AA than for women. Guys often still want to act tough and cool and maintain that hard exterior. Which isn't helpful to personal growth. I had to keep my distance from anyone who triggered my own negative thoughts and emotions. In the beginning, that was a lot of people.

The thing is, for me at least, I am dead set on not going back to where I've been. You said "something better than where I've been" -- well that's exactly what I held onto for nearly a whole year until I started to truly feel different. Better. Changed.

So....one day at a time! Patience. Honesty. Willingness to learn, grow and change. Being open to what you don't know. Tolerance and acceptance. Humility. Compassion for and service to others. That's the whole ball game right there. And it only takes a lifetime to get good at it!

Anodyne

I spoke with some family yesterday, and mentioned, and believe, that if
I can remind myself of how utterly crappy the past week was, and how
I feel right now, it will definately help me not be as easily swayed by
those addiction whispers in my mind of the 'good times' I am 'missing out on'
by going with sobriety.
Hah, I guess I can always run my tongue over my newly chipped teeth and
think "want more of those, good buddy?"
The worst of it is the regret and shame for my actions while drunk, even
worse than facing my support people.
The guy who tuned me up a bit was an old friend I hadn't seen in years.
I don't remember this, but the person who was sober told me about it - that I was calling him names, talking bad about his girlfriend (I don't even know who
he is dating) and told him if he didn't 'shut up I'm gonna slap you.'

I believe I did this because one, someone was there, and two, I have gone
completely out of my head when drunk before, and been verbally cruel to people.

Maybe with my one on one counselor I can figure out where that comes from
or at least how to fix it. When sober I am generally a compassionate, affiable kinda guy, and I don't like to think that I'm really a world class piece of s***.

Blah.

Zanthos

That should work!

Not now, but later, when you're ready, when you are more fit, you can do something about that that's pretty powerful and goes a long way towards healing the wounds we created. It's amazing what happens when with humility you approach someone you've harmed and say "Hey. You didn't deserve that. I was a real a$$hole. I was/am sick and I'm trying to change. I hope you can forgive me."

For what it's worth, I found it more helpful to focus on growing into being someone more healthy than trying to figure what was wrong and how to fix the past.

Anodyne

"For what it's worth, I found it more helpful to focus on growing into being someone more healthy than trying to figure what was wrong and how to fix the past."

That may end up being worth quite a bit, as it makes sense to me, and
might be the way to go.

As far as the not now but when I'm ready...I DO want to apologize to him, as soon as possible. Hah,though that night after it happened, and I wanted to find out WHY, I was advised to definately not go back to where he was, as he was still drunk and probably still in the same mind frame as when I got smacked.

Somehow, I managed to listen to a piece of sound advice even while drunk.

ccirider

Hi Anodyne:

I think that you have gotten some really good feedback from Zanthos. There really isn't much I can add to what he has said already because he really nailed the essence of recovery the way I understand it. Zanthos my man.

If you look around at the people who have been the most successful at maintaining long term sobriety, you will find a common thread among all of them, regardless of what religion they profess. They have become selfless people, dedicating themselves to the service of others, after having been selfish and self-centered.

Here is a passage of what CarolD said in Dee's "I want to be well thread:" http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1593643

My point? Without sobriety I would not be
alive to be of service to anyone.

CarolD, and others just like her who have maintained long term sobriety, have all dedicated themselves to the service of others, and that is the key to overcoming the self-centeredness and selfishness of addiction. It's not just about abstinence from alcohol. It's about transforming our character.


Peace.

barb dwyer

this has been a very interesting read. thank you both.

Anodyne - I wondered where you've been. I'm glad to see you back.

Anodyne

ccirider - Yes, I agree, he gave quite a bit of pretty poignant stuff.
I will take a look at that other thread, thank you or the link.

Barb, nice to be back, it means as bad as that week was, I didn't end up
blinded or with two broken arms, so I can still use the message board, and I'm sober again.

Positives positives. Yes ma'am.

barb dwyer

It's been my experience - we get beat up in bars far less frequently ...

when we don't go to bars.

or is it jsut me?

just razzin ya over there in East montana

indigo

What you were is not what or who you are now and are still becoming, keep on keeping on, you'll be fine, time really does heal and so does an open heart.
blessings