When everything changes forever
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
When everything changes forever
One of the things that i've learned in the last few months is that there's a right time for things to happen. This is the time to explore a little of what i learned.
Today i was thinking how everything about me in this life looked like a failure at launch. But i know that when perspectives point for something wrong, something has got to be right. I've done so many mistakes with myself. I've forgotten about me so many times and i've destructed myself and have been in places of darkness i didn't know existed, and yet i am still here and better than ever.
Even if today was the first day in months i drank. I don't drink usually, i don't really like it. I only do it when i wanna punish myself for something. I am glad i haven't developed a disease but it's not a good thing.
I was also a smoker when i was a teenager. Today i sat in my chair and i smoked and drank since morning. I drank very little, but smoked very much.
You know why i did this? Because i feel an immense guilt towards depression and all that it took from me. All the people that left because they couldn't take it. The truth is the depression was numb and when it came back it destroyed everything in a matter of days. And tonight i am thinking why?..It's not just to hurt me. There's a reason this is happening....
When i am down i can really drag everybody with me. When i am up i can bring people back from certain places sometimes. It means i am not supposed to drag myself trough life like i have done. I can choose to live the rest of my days with the defiance of my spirit or sink in the past and the torture of it.
And as i sit here i don't see the point. I don't need to destruct anymore. I can't cuz it's impossible, i am supposed to be built not destroyed.
And i know all those thoughts will come once and a while. How i'm not good enough. What i'll tell myself then is that i am because i am me and i get to say so.
What i see is that when you change that much, you can't go back and be like you were. You just can't. And i can't. I've seen the goods and i want the goods. I want the love. And i am not gonna whine about life. There's no point. I believe in the law of attraction and what i want is positivity to shine through me.
You see, i've been very blessed. In the time that my life went spiraling down, by God's hands the right people appeared before me and changed my life forever. I have become a man since then. In a short period everything has changed.
I've been loved like few, i've been taught like few and i've been changed, knowing there's some kind of a purpose why I am still alive.
I wasn't supposed to be here, but i am, because i should. I don't know why. Sometimes i despair and sit down against a wall and cry and scream with pain and i feel like i can't take it anymore. But then i think how love has changed me and made me a man and i just can't give up. It's almost like there is something pulling me down to the earth.
It hurts like hell that i am losing the people that saved me because of a disease. But i've brought that to me. I've said so many times that i didn't deserve them that they went away. I've posted about this on other threads. The guilt that i have inside is so big. I am not afraid of death cuz i don't think it will come just for now . Somehow i know it shall not be like that. I feel good things coming and i feel those people will be a part of it.
I can't go back there, even if i wanted to, because i've already been given the proof that i am still here for a reason, i don't know what it is, but tomorrow i'm gonna wake up, work my ass off and get those people back in my life.
Today i was thinking how everything about me in this life looked like a failure at launch. But i know that when perspectives point for something wrong, something has got to be right. I've done so many mistakes with myself. I've forgotten about me so many times and i've destructed myself and have been in places of darkness i didn't know existed, and yet i am still here and better than ever.
Even if today was the first day in months i drank. I don't drink usually, i don't really like it. I only do it when i wanna punish myself for something. I am glad i haven't developed a disease but it's not a good thing.
I was also a smoker when i was a teenager. Today i sat in my chair and i smoked and drank since morning. I drank very little, but smoked very much.
You know why i did this? Because i feel an immense guilt towards depression and all that it took from me. All the people that left because they couldn't take it. The truth is the depression was numb and when it came back it destroyed everything in a matter of days. And tonight i am thinking why?..It's not just to hurt me. There's a reason this is happening....
When i am down i can really drag everybody with me. When i am up i can bring people back from certain places sometimes. It means i am not supposed to drag myself trough life like i have done. I can choose to live the rest of my days with the defiance of my spirit or sink in the past and the torture of it.
And as i sit here i don't see the point. I don't need to destruct anymore. I can't cuz it's impossible, i am supposed to be built not destroyed.
And i know all those thoughts will come once and a while. How i'm not good enough. What i'll tell myself then is that i am because i am me and i get to say so.
What i see is that when you change that much, you can't go back and be like you were. You just can't. And i can't. I've seen the goods and i want the goods. I want the love. And i am not gonna whine about life. There's no point. I believe in the law of attraction and what i want is positivity to shine through me.
You see, i've been very blessed. In the time that my life went spiraling down, by God's hands the right people appeared before me and changed my life forever. I have become a man since then. In a short period everything has changed.
I've been loved like few, i've been taught like few and i've been changed, knowing there's some kind of a purpose why I am still alive.
I wasn't supposed to be here, but i am, because i should. I don't know why. Sometimes i despair and sit down against a wall and cry and scream with pain and i feel like i can't take it anymore. But then i think how love has changed me and made me a man and i just can't give up. It's almost like there is something pulling me down to the earth.
It hurts like hell that i am losing the people that saved me because of a disease. But i've brought that to me. I've said so many times that i didn't deserve them that they went away. I've posted about this on other threads. The guilt that i have inside is so big. I am not afraid of death cuz i don't think it will come just for now . Somehow i know it shall not be like that. I feel good things coming and i feel those people will be a part of it.
I can't go back there, even if i wanted to, because i've already been given the proof that i am still here for a reason, i don't know what it is, but tomorrow i'm gonna wake up, work my ass off and get those people back in my life.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I can't go back there either Karim and I never will. It's not always easy to stay positive and I don't get it right all the time, but I will never go back to the dark place.
I think you've learned that things happen when they should and that everything happens for a reason. You had to go through what you went through in order to be here with us today.
I think you've learned that things happen when they should and that everything happens for a reason. You had to go through what you went through in order to be here with us today.
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
You have no idea how your words match exactly my state of mind. I love your wisdom gained from life. I think we both share the will to live at peace with our inner self. And you remain a reminder of the importance of that.
Amazing Anna...Amazing..
Amazing Anna...Amazing..
Captain Lurker
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: California
Posts: 1,367
Isn't it great when you are able to see the world through all new eyes and a clear mind. Yes some of the process of making our lives better is to lose some/most of our comforts and what we thought had been our friends. You are indeed loved and keep up the great work. This is an awesome post, you reminded me of some of my own struggles. thank you. Anna you are awesome and very insightful.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Hey Karim...I am sorry, but I am so tired that my eyes are just about crossing - I only skimmed through your post...will read it more carefully tomorrow, but in the meantime, just wanted to say, I love you friend, and it seems like you are determined in a new, exciting way...congratulations...'night, J
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