This is funny.......
 

I just spent the last hour writing a raw, painful post ...no holding back..really putting it out there...and when I clicked the submit button the screen went white , said "done" and didn't make it onto the board....I couldn't write that again if I tried....guess it wasn't meant to be

Hey Rob - that's happened to me before also - I feel your pain. Could you summarize, at least for now, so we can share in what you're going through? We're here for you. Jomey

If I am writing something important, I do it in Word or notepad and paste in into a post. This lets me get up and walk away for a bit if I need to and it also lets me keep a copy.
I have written stuff here that was pretty involved and intense and I don't trust the computer Gods. (Never did, really!)

When that happens to me, I most often find the second post is better...writing it again you somehow get right to the nub of the matter, you know ? :)

D

ps great idea Ted!

The abridged version....
 

Basically.... I was asking for help with how to deal with the ugliness and brutalility of the things I did when actively using and drinking...and they are ugly and brutal and immoral and selfish. The guilt and shame of yesterday holding me back today....making me question if I even deserve this second chance at life and hope...questioning if these thoughts are simply my addiction trying to convince me I'm too damaged and damaging to be saved...and I went into detail about what I did to my wife, my children....everyone I came into contact with basically....I was an animal with a name....these memories hurt...and I am sorry...but I don't know what to do

I have had those feelings...a lot. I eventually was able to thank God that I was no longer that person, and move forward. It may take some time (it did for me) but keep saying it...you are NOT the same person you were when you were using. Then try to forgive yourself for being sick......you are not a bad person, you are a good person with a terrible disease. :hug: it will get better, I promise, the greatest gift we can give ourselves in recovery, is forgiving our own mistakes...only then, can we make amends and move forward.

Cathy

LOL Cathy said a lot of this, but what the hey...

I'm not stranger to this Rob.

My advice ?

Forgive yourself for a start. You can't be putting 100% into today if half of you is still back on what you did last week or last year.

Then start making amends to those you can - for the rest, just try and be the best person you can from now on.

Just because we did bad things doesn't necessarily mean we're bad. We were addicted. Doesn't mean we're absolved from blame, but it doesn't mean we're doomed to repeat our mistakes either.

D

My computer really does have a mind of its own!
 

Hi robzoloft, :morning

It really isn't funny though. It has happened to me more than once and I think part of it is because I just want to spit it out so bad that I hit the wrong key in my trying to hurry so I don't forget anything. :a043:

Today though one site was starting to count back from ten with my post and it would get lost in the shuffle and then all of a sudden show up. That happened to me twice.

Hope you will have time to give us a little info so we know where you are coming from as far as your illness. :comfort

kelsh

Hey Rob, thanks for coming back and sharing. I am sorry to read about the pain you are in. By all means, Rob, you deserve a second chance at life and hope!!!! No one is beyond saving...EVER. If you are inclined, check out the Spirituality or Christians in Recovery boards - there is a lot of support there for the type of struggle you are in right now if either of those topics appeals to you.

If not, (or even if you post there also), stay here with us. We all have skeletons rattling in our closets, and we all have different perspectives on coming to terms with them. My personal choice is by asking HP for forgiveness, and I believe AA recommends making amends to anyone who you can make amends to without hurting them futher. (I am a major newbie with AA, so feel free, anyone, to correct that or add to it if I am incorrect).

Most importantly, Rob, forgive yourself. You are worth it. And I bet anything your wife and children agree with me.

Keep close - there's lots of support on the way, I'm sure.

oh Jomey reminded me - I'm not an AAer so when I say amends I mean in the basic sense - making it up to those I've hurt...not sure whether it means more than that in AA or not

D

me neither, D :)

Rob, hon ... you wouldn't be here if you didn't.
It's that simple.
Maybe think about how many ... didn't get that chance.
That's what I do.
And for the greater part - that helps keep me sober.

And - when I do a big post ... something that takes a lot of time and I don't notice how long I've been composing - before I click 'submit' ... I right click in the text - and 'select all' then I 'copy' it with the mouse.
That way - when it tells me I'm timed out - I get right back on ... and paste what I've done right back in.

The whole amends thing ...
really doesn't come until the resentments have been tallied.

The forgiveness can't begin ... until the forgiveness .. begins.

I can tell you this Rob. When I got to the room of AA I was AN ANIMAL without a shred of human decency left. You know what? They loved me anyway. They knew.

As time went on and somehow I was able to not drink and/or use, I came to understand that all those things I did, and would eventually make amends for were part of my ES&H that would allow someone else to identify and stay to find recovery.

That was over 26 years ago. It wasn't long into recovery that I started to become a functioning member of society again. And yes, I got my family back, such as it was.

You're starting on a WONDERFUL road. The things you have done, will become part of your experience, strength and hope to help others. As you grow and change in recovery, your amends will be made.

Stay in today, work on today, and slowly you will clear up the wreckage of your past. Many of us have been where you are now, and we are living proof that IT DOES GET BETTER!

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Oh yes, I know what thats like!. I've written small "novels" only to have that happen to me and then you find yourself staring at the screen...incredulous...in a state of shock/disbelief. Very frustrating!.

Need4Change

I've felt the same Rob. To broken to be fixed, what did I turn into, what have I done, I can't let go of the hurt I caused, how do I let go of that hurt.

First is realizing that we're not so unique that we can find and get help. And that's evident just by all the above posts of people who have felt the same. Second, we start by not repeating those actions, don't do those things today.

It wasn't who we were or are that did that stuff, it's what we were. Active addicts. And no, that doesn't make it ok, but that's the "why".

Then we need to talk to others, and work on forgiving ourselves, and learning the difference between then and now. There comes a time for apologizing, but now isn't it. Often, early on, when the hurt is big and we want to try to make things right, we give out way more info than we're ready to deal with, or others are ready to hear, and can cause more hurt, on both sides, than we're trying to alleviate.

Are you that same person today? If not, give yourself a break.