storytime
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: the netherlands
Posts: 28
storytime
have to do this sooner or later...
My name is mr_clean i'm 23 years old. I am an addict.
So here I am. My body is at the office, my mind is completely comsumed by addiction and trying getting sober. I guess this is my story, I hope to write another one in a few monts or years or so, when my mind is not clouded anymore by drugs and confusion.
I smoke weed. When I smoke weed I watch porn and often I masturbate or at least fantasize about having lots of sex. AFter I done this i feel empty and ashamed. I then wash away this feeling with beers, and sigarettes. After an hour or so, the cravings for weed comes back, and the whole cycle repeats itself. I do this for about (avarage) five nights per week. The other two nights I see my girlfriend. She thinks i live an completely sober lifestyle, my (few) friends too. It's almost like I have an affaire.
I started feeling 'different' when I was 13 years old. Becoming selfconsious, I tought I was a nerd, ugly with hardly any friends. I wanted to be cool too, and accepted, I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to be accepted. So I sought contact with the cool kids, kids older then me, kids smoking, drinking, doing drugs. By the time I was 16, i was kicked out of my highschool, and dumped at another school, I lost all my friends, and was once again alone and strange kid. So I held on to the only thing I had ever known, my weed, the image of a stoner/druggy/****-up.
It was only a matter of time before I met (once again) 'cool' kids drinking, smoking and doing drugs. But we were all a little bit older now, so we also took mushrooms, XTC, speed and more and more alcohol.
After highschool I went backpacking for six months, most of the time I was stoned or wasted there too. Back again I started my college, still smoking and getting wasted almost every single day. Then after a year or so, I managed to get and stay completely clean for six months. Those for the greatest and worst six months of my life. But, then again I relapsed. Nowadays I manage to stay sober one or two days per week, but that's it.
it''s difficult to be honest to myself. Even in this thread I'm trying to leave stuff out.Such as this porn addiction of mine, but it's there allright. After work I go straight away to the coffeeshop, i buy my weed and go home. I close the curtains, doors, put off my phone and walk around naked in the house, while downloading porn movies. I smoke more and more, drink more and more, till i'm one big hormonal balloon of lust and sex, and the rest, well.....
Sex has always been an enormous part of my life. I'm thinking about it all the time. When I see a girl walking all I do is think how she lookes naked and how she would be to have sex with. This started when I was around 13 too, and it has never left me since. Interesting to tell that I don't watch porno when I do not smoke weed. And I do not smoke weed if I can't watch porno with it the same time.
The worst part is that I'm not a dumb kid. Most people tell me that Im very very smart. I don't agree, but the fact that I succeeded my highschool and college both most of the time utterly wasted must count for something. I have a good job now, (my first) wich is challeging and fun to do, but all I can think of during work, is to get high again and watch porno. My results are slowly slowly declining, and i give myself two years before I will get fired (if i continue like this).
I'm very very scared for the anxiety that comes to visit me when I don't smoke and watch. I feel very low about myself and my life (altough it's pretty good).I have little self-asteem, and most important. I don't have a clue what it means to be normal. Normal people use their teens and early twentys to find their identity, who they are in this world and what they want to do. Till so far I only ran away for it. I really don't have a clue who I am and what I want to do with my life. This upsets me every time when i'm sober so much, and start using again.
So anyways. I found this site today, and I have been working towards a final solution to end this selfdestructive compulsie behaviour of mine for months now. Today is my day, i have been seeing this from the moment i woke up. Today is my day. My day to be sober and life a normal fullfilling life.
I really hope to get to know you guys a bit better. Been reading a lot on this forum and many stories sound familiar and make a deep inpact on me.
I am not alone,
My name is mr_clean i'm 23 years old. I am an addict.
So here I am. My body is at the office, my mind is completely comsumed by addiction and trying getting sober. I guess this is my story, I hope to write another one in a few monts or years or so, when my mind is not clouded anymore by drugs and confusion.
I smoke weed. When I smoke weed I watch porn and often I masturbate or at least fantasize about having lots of sex. AFter I done this i feel empty and ashamed. I then wash away this feeling with beers, and sigarettes. After an hour or so, the cravings for weed comes back, and the whole cycle repeats itself. I do this for about (avarage) five nights per week. The other two nights I see my girlfriend. She thinks i live an completely sober lifestyle, my (few) friends too. It's almost like I have an affaire.
I started feeling 'different' when I was 13 years old. Becoming selfconsious, I tought I was a nerd, ugly with hardly any friends. I wanted to be cool too, and accepted, I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to be accepted. So I sought contact with the cool kids, kids older then me, kids smoking, drinking, doing drugs. By the time I was 16, i was kicked out of my highschool, and dumped at another school, I lost all my friends, and was once again alone and strange kid. So I held on to the only thing I had ever known, my weed, the image of a stoner/druggy/****-up.
It was only a matter of time before I met (once again) 'cool' kids drinking, smoking and doing drugs. But we were all a little bit older now, so we also took mushrooms, XTC, speed and more and more alcohol.
After highschool I went backpacking for six months, most of the time I was stoned or wasted there too. Back again I started my college, still smoking and getting wasted almost every single day. Then after a year or so, I managed to get and stay completely clean for six months. Those for the greatest and worst six months of my life. But, then again I relapsed. Nowadays I manage to stay sober one or two days per week, but that's it.
it''s difficult to be honest to myself. Even in this thread I'm trying to leave stuff out.Such as this porn addiction of mine, but it's there allright. After work I go straight away to the coffeeshop, i buy my weed and go home. I close the curtains, doors, put off my phone and walk around naked in the house, while downloading porn movies. I smoke more and more, drink more and more, till i'm one big hormonal balloon of lust and sex, and the rest, well.....
Sex has always been an enormous part of my life. I'm thinking about it all the time. When I see a girl walking all I do is think how she lookes naked and how she would be to have sex with. This started when I was around 13 too, and it has never left me since. Interesting to tell that I don't watch porno when I do not smoke weed. And I do not smoke weed if I can't watch porno with it the same time.
The worst part is that I'm not a dumb kid. Most people tell me that Im very very smart. I don't agree, but the fact that I succeeded my highschool and college both most of the time utterly wasted must count for something. I have a good job now, (my first) wich is challeging and fun to do, but all I can think of during work, is to get high again and watch porno. My results are slowly slowly declining, and i give myself two years before I will get fired (if i continue like this).
I'm very very scared for the anxiety that comes to visit me when I don't smoke and watch. I feel very low about myself and my life (altough it's pretty good).I have little self-asteem, and most important. I don't have a clue what it means to be normal. Normal people use their teens and early twentys to find their identity, who they are in this world and what they want to do. Till so far I only ran away for it. I really don't have a clue who I am and what I want to do with my life. This upsets me every time when i'm sober so much, and start using again.
So anyways. I found this site today, and I have been working towards a final solution to end this selfdestructive compulsie behaviour of mine for months now. Today is my day, i have been seeing this from the moment i woke up. Today is my day. My day to be sober and life a normal fullfilling life.
I really hope to get to know you guys a bit better. Been reading a lot on this forum and many stories sound familiar and make a deep inpact on me.
I am not alone,
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