Thanksgiving weekend followup ...
same planet...different world
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Thanksgiving weekend followup ...
I was in probably one of the worst places emotionally that I've been in since sobering up.
(for those who don't know - I lost my Beloved - my kitten last weekend. This has been most difficult for me to process .. sober. My animals - have never been 'animals' to me. As an only child - any 'pets' have always been the only 'family' and/or true FRIENDS I'd ever known until the Fellowship of AA. )
This past week has been the first time I've seriously thought about hurting myself again .. in over a year. That I had to SERIOUSLY re- direct thoughts of drinking, or finding an old 'associate' and scoring a 'mother's little helper' to get through the pain of losing this little four legged being. She was a child to me. My angel. My gift. My Beloved. I believed she had been 'gifted' to me ... because I'd been 'good' and sobered up, you know?
Anyhoo-
I woke up ... turned on the 'parade' and sat there, writing in my journal, listening to classical tunes on NPR , watching the tv with no sound.
Now, mind you - I'd been committed to provide the 'traditional green bean casserole' for a dinner I'd been invited to. I'm talking green bean casserole .. for twenty people! And on Thanksgiving morning ... barely a week into the grief of my dear Beloved ... I'd not bought a single ingredient. Nothing. I had pretty much decided I wasn't even going to go to this dinner. I didn't even have any cash to buy anything ... I have no transportation (temps plummeted below zero that day and I will NOT drive my car on ice in those conditions)
(That parade - just .. embarassed me as a human.)
Giant plastic turkey on wheels with "pilgrims" sitting on it ...
it just ... sucked.
I was embarassed.
I love my country ... but I do NOT love how *I*
(automatically included as a citizen)
was represented in that parade.
I felt as if *I* was being made to appear as plastic ... as that turkey.
were that my choice - (being associated with plastic turkeys ...)
I'd have gone into POLITICS years ago.
Every image was just so ... fake.
So shallow. So anorexic. So ... non living.
Maybe that's how things look through the windshield of self pity.
But I was embarrassed, nonetheless.
Actually afraid ... my frineds here on SR who're not in the US ...
would see it.
And was writing about it.
I'd literally just written,"I don't think I'm going to be able to do this"
`and the phone rang.
It was a dear friend from SR.
We talked for almost two hours.
God love him.
For listening. For staying with me.
He's hovered over me all week after my tragedy.
He's now my HERO.
Then when we hung up, I felt better.
I 'suddenly' realized I'd better get busy.
It was two hours before dinner.
I made a call - ONE phonecall.
to another friend from the Fellowship,
one who was here - with me when Beloved died.
When I came home and found her dying - I frantically,
hysterically called and said only these words -
"I need you here - Beloved's dying."
And he was AT MY HOUSE .. within minutes.
One who calls me every day to see how I am, whether I go to a meeting or not.
one who, as a friend - has BEEN there for me since we met.
One who's been scared to death for me,
because he knows how hard the struggle of this past week has been.
And who was completely scandalized to see me,
hysterical on the floor of my apartment holding my dying kitten.
Because in our group as everywhere else -
I'm always the strong one.
The one who never needs help.
One call - I listed ingredients -
and they were delivered to my house ... within half an hour.
He grabbed three others ...
"*barb* needs our help!'
up they got - and off did trot
to the grocery ... and grabbed every single thing.
(gotta LOVE a small town for that one)
Whipped it all together,
showered while it was settling
Right when I got it in the oven ...
had an hour or so to kill before going next door -
and found myself having another serious doubt - bout.
*I'll just take this over and then leave.*
I'm thinking to myself ... the phone rings.
ANOTHER dear friend from SR.
Who talked while I listened ... until it was time for me to go.
And I had an okay time.
No leftovers for the casserole, at least.
Quite a bit of drinking , (not ME, sillies - THEM)
and I was completely... immune.
kept myself at a distance where I didn't have to 'smell' anything ...
and it didn't bother me a bit watching several of these people
get more and more ... ridiculous.
Yes there does happen to be a point -
I got through a very very hard day ...
with the help of some very good friends.
Friends who love me ...
yet we've never looked each other in the eye.
What a miracle that is.
And that ... was what I was Thankful for.
Thank you all for helping me to stay sober during this time of soul crushing sadness.
Your sympathy, compassion, prayers and love ... sustained me.
Thank you ... to infinity. And back.
(for those who don't know - I lost my Beloved - my kitten last weekend. This has been most difficult for me to process .. sober. My animals - have never been 'animals' to me. As an only child - any 'pets' have always been the only 'family' and/or true FRIENDS I'd ever known until the Fellowship of AA. )
This past week has been the first time I've seriously thought about hurting myself again .. in over a year. That I had to SERIOUSLY re- direct thoughts of drinking, or finding an old 'associate' and scoring a 'mother's little helper' to get through the pain of losing this little four legged being. She was a child to me. My angel. My gift. My Beloved. I believed she had been 'gifted' to me ... because I'd been 'good' and sobered up, you know?
Anyhoo-
I woke up ... turned on the 'parade' and sat there, writing in my journal, listening to classical tunes on NPR , watching the tv with no sound.
Now, mind you - I'd been committed to provide the 'traditional green bean casserole' for a dinner I'd been invited to. I'm talking green bean casserole .. for twenty people! And on Thanksgiving morning ... barely a week into the grief of my dear Beloved ... I'd not bought a single ingredient. Nothing. I had pretty much decided I wasn't even going to go to this dinner. I didn't even have any cash to buy anything ... I have no transportation (temps plummeted below zero that day and I will NOT drive my car on ice in those conditions)
(That parade - just .. embarassed me as a human.)
Giant plastic turkey on wheels with "pilgrims" sitting on it ...
it just ... sucked.
I was embarassed.
I love my country ... but I do NOT love how *I*
(automatically included as a citizen)
was represented in that parade.
I felt as if *I* was being made to appear as plastic ... as that turkey.
were that my choice - (being associated with plastic turkeys ...)
I'd have gone into POLITICS years ago.
Every image was just so ... fake.
So shallow. So anorexic. So ... non living.
Maybe that's how things look through the windshield of self pity.
But I was embarrassed, nonetheless.
Actually afraid ... my frineds here on SR who're not in the US ...
would see it.
And was writing about it.
I'd literally just written,"I don't think I'm going to be able to do this"
`and the phone rang.
It was a dear friend from SR.
We talked for almost two hours.
God love him.
For listening. For staying with me.
He's hovered over me all week after my tragedy.
He's now my HERO.
Then when we hung up, I felt better.
I 'suddenly' realized I'd better get busy.
It was two hours before dinner.
I made a call - ONE phonecall.
to another friend from the Fellowship,
one who was here - with me when Beloved died.
When I came home and found her dying - I frantically,
hysterically called and said only these words -
"I need you here - Beloved's dying."
And he was AT MY HOUSE .. within minutes.
One who calls me every day to see how I am, whether I go to a meeting or not.
one who, as a friend - has BEEN there for me since we met.
One who's been scared to death for me,
because he knows how hard the struggle of this past week has been.
And who was completely scandalized to see me,
hysterical on the floor of my apartment holding my dying kitten.
Because in our group as everywhere else -
I'm always the strong one.
The one who never needs help.
One call - I listed ingredients -
and they were delivered to my house ... within half an hour.
He grabbed three others ...
"*barb* needs our help!'
up they got - and off did trot
to the grocery ... and grabbed every single thing.
(gotta LOVE a small town for that one)
Whipped it all together,
showered while it was settling
Right when I got it in the oven ...
had an hour or so to kill before going next door -
and found myself having another serious doubt - bout.
*I'll just take this over and then leave.*
I'm thinking to myself ... the phone rings.
ANOTHER dear friend from SR.
Who talked while I listened ... until it was time for me to go.
And I had an okay time.
No leftovers for the casserole, at least.
Quite a bit of drinking , (not ME, sillies - THEM)
and I was completely... immune.
kept myself at a distance where I didn't have to 'smell' anything ...
and it didn't bother me a bit watching several of these people
get more and more ... ridiculous.
Yes there does happen to be a point -
I got through a very very hard day ...
with the help of some very good friends.
Friends who love me ...
yet we've never looked each other in the eye.
What a miracle that is.
And that ... was what I was Thankful for.
Thank you all for helping me to stay sober during this time of soul crushing sadness.
Your sympathy, compassion, prayers and love ... sustained me.
Thank you ... to infinity. And back.
Last edited by barb dwyer; 11-25-2007 at 03:30 AM.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Barb)))
I know how sad you must have been, and it's a gift of recovery that friends rally when we need them. I'm so glad your friends were there for you, sometimes all we have to do is ask.
Sending big hugs, hoping the healing begins
I know how sad you must have been, and it's a gift of recovery that friends rally when we need them. I'm so glad your friends were there for you, sometimes all we have to do is ask.
Sending big hugs, hoping the healing begins
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Barb -
I'm so glad you were able to reach out for help, and your wonderful friends were there. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to find out who your true friends are. And Beloved's passing was a tragedy...I cried for both of you!
You reminded me today to always be grateful to my friends...both in "real life" and here at SR.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm so glad you were able to reach out for help, and your wonderful friends were there. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to find out who your true friends are. And Beloved's passing was a tragedy...I cried for both of you!
You reminded me today to always be grateful to my friends...both in "real life" and here at SR.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: On a Beach Some Where
Posts: 103
I watch WG and the LOVE for her kitties. She cried when she heard about your beloved. I can only imagine the pain that tore through you.
I am glad your friends were there to help Barb.
Way to stay strong.
I am glad your friends were there to help Barb.
Way to stay strong.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Barb, you're doing great!
The grieving process will move along and you just need to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to go through this. My pets are not animals and I know how you feel.
The thing is, you got through this and stayed sober. That's great and next time you have to go through something, it will be just a bit easier.
The grieving process will move along and you just need to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to go through this. My pets are not animals and I know how you feel.
The thing is, you got through this and stayed sober. That's great and next time you have to go through something, it will be just a bit easier.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
wow, barb! Your sharing is just inspirational for me.
i, too, am the "strong" one in my AA fellowship, and have recently witnessed the power of love of the fellows when I had a need.
it is darn awesome!
so are you.
my heart widens every time i read about your journey in recovery.
sending more prayers for more peace to you and beloved.
i, too, am the "strong" one in my AA fellowship, and have recently witnessed the power of love of the fellows when I had a need.
it is darn awesome!
so are you.
my heart widens every time i read about your journey in recovery.
sending more prayers for more peace to you and beloved.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The morgue if I don't stay sober.
Posts: 38
My animals - have never been 'animals' to me. As an only child - any 'pets' have always been the only 'family' and/or true FRIENDS I'd ever known
Glad to hear you're hanging in there.
Thinking of you and your Beloved.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 666
Hi Barb,
I'm sorry about your kitten. I wasn't visiting the site for awhile and just found out. We can't have cats because I'm allergic, but we feed two alley cats on our porch everyday. Our kids have inherited their parents love of animals and literally squeal with delight each evening when "Stompy" and "Fluffy" show up. We'd be devastated if anything ever happenend to them. When we play in the yard Stompy romps along with us, tail in the air, yowling as if he's one of us. He doesn't let any other people within fifty feet, so it was amazing the first time he did this.
Hang in there. Your posts help keep me sober everytime I read them.
Mike
I'm sorry about your kitten. I wasn't visiting the site for awhile and just found out. We can't have cats because I'm allergic, but we feed two alley cats on our porch everyday. Our kids have inherited their parents love of animals and literally squeal with delight each evening when "Stompy" and "Fluffy" show up. We'd be devastated if anything ever happenend to them. When we play in the yard Stompy romps along with us, tail in the air, yowling as if he's one of us. He doesn't let any other people within fifty feet, so it was amazing the first time he did this.
Hang in there. Your posts help keep me sober everytime I read them.
Mike
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
