starlite dawn

So I came here in March 2007, lookin' for something, help, I reckon. I posted, got some real good feed back and some real postive info and some real good info from those just like me.

I didn't get told what a "low life" I was and am. I just got some good, positive info. I read alot here and got some *yuck* stuff as in why in the world would I want to drink and do this to me.

Afterall, I love me. I am my favorite person. heheheheh

Well, I did okay for a few weeks, not many, but a few. I lost it and just came here and read. To ashamed to post anything. Afterall, ya'll got your stuff together.

So then in August, some will remember, August 19, I lost my mama. My soul, my heart, my source of life. I went without drinkin' long enough to get myself a chip had I been in AA or whatever.

Then I just flat lost it. Been on a downhill spiral ever since. Gets worse every week, everyday.

Now, just tell me why? I honest to God don't know why. See, I am a religious person, I am a spiritual person. I sooooooooo believe, I do.

I hate myself so freakin' bad. I just don't even know how to convey how bad I feel. I want liquor so bad but I hate what it does to me.

Along with the liquor comes 3 packs of smokes. Heck I can't breath now to walk from here to there, and that ain't very far at all. I wheeze all night and cough. I sleep on 3 pillows just tryin' to breath.

When I drink, I go to bed at 2-3 a.m. and am awake at 4:30, as in like, time to get up. I used to could drink a few cups of coffee and be okay. NOT ANYMORE!

On the personal side, I drink so much liquor, I can't urinate anymore. I mean I go all day long and don't go even though I can't drink enough water.

I am dyin' here and I am doin' it to myself. WHY, WHY, WHY can't I stop this madness. I HATE IT SO FREAKIN' BAD! But I just keep on drinkin'!

WHY!?????????????????????

I'm sorry to bother ya'll. I just need help and I just can't seem to change my lifestyle to get help.

barb dwyer

Starlite Dawn ...

Understand something, my friend ... you are never EVER 'bothering' anyone here when it is to honestly ask for help.

okay?

Wow.

Your description of your spiral .. takes me back.
I don't grieve well, either.

What I mostly hear you saying time and again is - you can't stop .. alone.

Look around you, hon. Not a person here ... could do that.
What is there - thirty something hundred posters/lurkers members?
Not.
A.
One.
Quit on their own.

Welcome back.

Tell me what your plan is.
What do you want to do?
how can I help?

CarolD

Glad to see you again...

Here is the link to the book that convinced me to quit drinking.
Please click and read

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

You really need a medical opinion about your urination problem.
Be honest with your doctor about your drinking too.
Sometimes a medical de tox is wise

We do understand and you are not alone.
Keep posting please ..we do care.

Blessings

starlite dawn

Barb, thank you. I reckon, in all reality, my plan is to drink and smoke myself to death. Sad but that is the way it seems.

I went and set up my creamation plan. I set my bank accounts up for my children. I have an appointment with a lawyer to make my will.

I CAN'T stop so I must die. I don't know what else to do. I just don't.

I hate myself so bad I just might as well go on and die. What else is there left to do?

If I read this about anybody else, I just shake my head and think what a patathic person this is.

Yeah, well, so I am. God I hate this life but yet, I so love this life. I have so very much. Why am I just pissin' it away?

I don't know, I don't.

barb dwyer

wow.

that's fairly dramatic.
and kinda ... hard to change yer mind on.

Sounds to me like you're UNABLE to pi$s ... much of anything right now....(and CarolD has good advice about seeing a doc)

what if ...
what If I knew of someone in your area ...
someone on these forums ...

since you realize your option is ... death...

are you willing to try one last thing?

I mean ... when you know your choice is death ...
why not, right?

what's left to lose?

starlite dawn

Carol, when I first came here, I read that. I bought the book. It disguisted me so much I thought, ok, this will do it.

NOT! Worked for awhile. Now I'm back to me. The me I hate so freakin' bad.

I got family that NEEDS me. Has to have me, like a disable son. What will he do without me? Yet I drink myself into a stupid stupor.

What is wrong with me?

starlite dawn

Barb, not tryin' to be dramatic at all, honest. Just the way it is.

barb dwyer

then whaddaya got to lose?

wanna try something .. different?

barb dwyer

I mean - what's it gonna do - kill ya?

when we get down to this particular 'option' ... this is pretty much the basement.

best

Guess what? You have the beginnings of your solution.

At AA meetings you would learn what the steps are and the first three are what help us all stay sober.
Oh and I don't have my stuff together... I left all that junk behind me. I travel light and free now-a-days.

Steps one, two, and three...

I have a problem. I can't control the problem...help me

You realize that alcohol is a problem. You realize that you can't control it enough to stop. Now all you need is the desire to seek the help and support that works to find the way out.
AA meetings are filled with people who know what has worked for them and can work for you. Maybe it is time to pick up a real chip from some meetings?

You can do it with the right tools in hand. I did and so have so many others.

starlite dawn

Oh hon, I'm past the basement. I'm down where they take the dead folks, what's that........sub basement, I don't know. lol

Yeah, I'm ready to try something, but what, what do I try. I know where I'm headed. In truly do.

barb dwyer

ok then.

I have an idea. I'm going to PM you something.

But I"m also gooing to keep posting on here because ...
I've this feeling ... you're not the only one in the morgue level tongiht.

It's just a feeling.
But I'm usually right.

So I happen to know someone ... in your area.

And Best is right -

Alcoholics Anonymous ... is the first place in the phone book ... for a reason.

You don't have to 'commit' to anything.
You don't sign up ... you probably already know all this.

I was ... where you are ... only fourteen months ago.

I am the walking talking typing proof that The Program ... works.

Even when you've lost all hope.

best

When you reach a point that you are sober and growing in your recovery... you will find that nothing is wrong with you except this... Alcohol affects you the same way it affects so many others. Remove the alcohol and you will see the true you and guess what... You just may find that you are alright.

starlite dawn

Best, I hear ya, I do. I don't receive ya real well but I do hear. Meetings for me are an 1 1/2 hrs. away at 8:00 p.m.. Everybody knows everybody and it's just gossip, gossip and more gossip.

I really don't have the time nor the energy to go there. I know, bad on my part.

Are there online meetings? Can one get an online sponsor? I have a friend that sent me the "Big Book" online. I been readin' and drinkin' while I read. Decent of me, uh?

Jeeze, I kinda am not a good person right now.

barb dwyer

Depending on your being male or female - sure you can get an online sponsor.
I've male and female sponsees online.
In Real life - it's same gender ... but online ...
*shrug*
it saves people so who cares?
*I* can hold the space.

and yes there are online meetings.

I PM'd you ... in case you don't see the flashing thingy. :mock

it isn't about 'good' or 'bad' ...it's about alcoholism.
write that down. put it on a post it note ... print it out ...
and stick it on the fridge - and on the bathroom mirror.

barb dwyer

... or on the back of the toilet.

someplace ... you're gonna SEE it tomorrow.

because there IS going to be a tomorrow.

starlite dawn

Barb, I so thank you for your efforts. Yeah, the toilet is where I'm gonna be or hangin' over the deck. It's down to thrownin' up blood. Jeeze....*shakes head*

How sick is that? And what do we do, well uh, we just keep right on turnin' that bottle up!

Sick individual that I am. The worst part, I think, is the pure self hatered. That is bad.

But hey, it's me, just me. Nobody forcin' me. Just me. Sad!

best

Would you make the time if you were out of booze to go get some?

That is what I mean by the desire to...seek the help and support that works to find the way out.

You may find online programs that work somewhat or you could even find they work good.
In person, face to face is the better way in my opinion.
Still though... by seeking answers and solutions you can do this. Keep trying and you will find it works.

CarolD

And of course you can come here 24/7 to share with us Dawn
We need you to help us remember why we stay sober.

There is hope and healing for you too
Prayers and Hugs

starlite dawn

Carol, jeeze why you stay sober?

So you don't loose days, as I do.
So you can take care of your family and loved one
So you can go go work
So you can just plain and simpy live life

All of which I ain't doin'. I'm losin' so very much.