My Story.... you're thoughts?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Toronto
Posts: 2
My Story.... you're thoughts?
Well folks, here it goes....
I've really never had an opportunity to talk to anybody in great detail about my problems. I'm the type of guy that hasn't been able to talk in any great detail about my problems and past experiences. This forum really is a great start as at least I can get it out in the open in the cyber world then decide how to deal with it accordingly.
Here's a quick synopsis of my life...... and I'll try not to bore you folks.
-born in 1980 to a middle class american family
-parents divorced in 1987 (never dealt with it or talked about it with ANYBODY)
I was told that this would come back one day and bite me in the keaster and it sure as heck did.
-Got Heavily into drugs in 1994, yes only 14 years old
My drugs of choice were LSD, marijuana, alcohol and whatever else I was able to get my hands on. I really get the sense that I blew out my brains within a 3 year window. I did things that I really wasnt to proud of to feed the addiction. As you can probably imagine, I hurt people who only ever loved me. Even though my family was broken at the time, I knew that my parents would have given their own lives just to save mine.
From the first time that I experimented with LSD, I was hooked. I thought it was too good to be true. How could I go a full out mental trip to another galaxy and all for only $5. What I really didnt realize at the time was that I was just running away from reality and in the process did significant damage to my brain, body and personal relationships.
At 15 years old I was pretty much living on the streets, couch surfing at friends houses and really just avoiding the three potential final outcomes.
1) Jail
2) Death
3) recovery
I was so suicidal at the time that I figured I give myself a few more years, have fun, party and then take my life. It really freaks me out to think that I had a day set, the rope purchased and a suicide letter written. A strange event that I thought I'd mention was that right before this date I went to the lottery retailer and bought 200 quick picks for what I thought to be a one last ditch effort to buy happiness. Well, needless to say I won about 30 dollars off the two hundred tickets, not the multi millions that I was hoping for. It just so happened that my parents shipped me out of town right before the "date" and luckily the plan was aborted.
I never really had to opportunity to deal with any of my problems in any formal setting. Before anyone goes and accuses my parents or poor parenting, they did send me to at least two dozen shrinks. The problem was that I wasn't able to a) identify my issues and b) articulate them in a way that anyone was able to help.
So with the help of my parents and informal house arrest for 14 months. I eventually kicked the drug addiction (or so I thought). Once everything seemed ok to the parentals it almost went back to life as usual. I eventually landed in the rave scene started taking pills and drinking like a fish. Although since this only happened on Saturday nights, I kept telling myself that it was ok, that I had kicked "the addiction" and that it wasnt a problem because i wasnt doing it everyday. This went on for another few years and eventually wiened off of it.
This brings me to the last few 7 years of dealing with massive depression. I have a chemical imballance partially due to the heavy drug use. I've been struggling with this for a long long time and really dont know how to break the cycle. The good news is that I havent done any drugs in about 5 years. The bad news is that I'm not happy.
I still have the odd drink and sometimes binge but again only on weekends. I still think that in the back of my mind I have a problem but really can't get any clarity.
I don't mind sharing with you folks that I'm 27 years old and still live at home. As a side note to that I also wanted to share that I just purchased a property (from 5 years of working hard and saving). I guess the reason why I point that out to you (and myself) is that I consider this an accomplishment. If you would have told me 8 years ago that I would eventually be working in a full time solid job, be able to purchase a property and not be dead. I would have told you that you're nuts.
I guess the reason that Im posting here is so I can potentially get some insight and get this out in the open. Believe it or not, this actually feels really good just to be able to get it out (even if nobody reads it).
So I find my life entering yet another chapter, it went from stuggling with drug and alcohol addiction to severe depression. The thing that I find so strange is that right now my life has never been more focused. I have a job that I really like, I'm moving to a place of my own, I just got out of a long relationship (that was for the best)
But....... for some reason I feel like there has been an explosion in my brain and that I'm scattering to pick up the pieces.
Any help, thoughts, insight would really be much appreciated.
I've really never had an opportunity to talk to anybody in great detail about my problems. I'm the type of guy that hasn't been able to talk in any great detail about my problems and past experiences. This forum really is a great start as at least I can get it out in the open in the cyber world then decide how to deal with it accordingly.
Here's a quick synopsis of my life...... and I'll try not to bore you folks.
-born in 1980 to a middle class american family
-parents divorced in 1987 (never dealt with it or talked about it with ANYBODY)
I was told that this would come back one day and bite me in the keaster and it sure as heck did.
-Got Heavily into drugs in 1994, yes only 14 years old
My drugs of choice were LSD, marijuana, alcohol and whatever else I was able to get my hands on. I really get the sense that I blew out my brains within a 3 year window. I did things that I really wasnt to proud of to feed the addiction. As you can probably imagine, I hurt people who only ever loved me. Even though my family was broken at the time, I knew that my parents would have given their own lives just to save mine.
From the first time that I experimented with LSD, I was hooked. I thought it was too good to be true. How could I go a full out mental trip to another galaxy and all for only $5. What I really didnt realize at the time was that I was just running away from reality and in the process did significant damage to my brain, body and personal relationships.
At 15 years old I was pretty much living on the streets, couch surfing at friends houses and really just avoiding the three potential final outcomes.
1) Jail
2) Death
3) recovery
I was so suicidal at the time that I figured I give myself a few more years, have fun, party and then take my life. It really freaks me out to think that I had a day set, the rope purchased and a suicide letter written. A strange event that I thought I'd mention was that right before this date I went to the lottery retailer and bought 200 quick picks for what I thought to be a one last ditch effort to buy happiness. Well, needless to say I won about 30 dollars off the two hundred tickets, not the multi millions that I was hoping for. It just so happened that my parents shipped me out of town right before the "date" and luckily the plan was aborted.
I never really had to opportunity to deal with any of my problems in any formal setting. Before anyone goes and accuses my parents or poor parenting, they did send me to at least two dozen shrinks. The problem was that I wasn't able to a) identify my issues and b) articulate them in a way that anyone was able to help.
So with the help of my parents and informal house arrest for 14 months. I eventually kicked the drug addiction (or so I thought). Once everything seemed ok to the parentals it almost went back to life as usual. I eventually landed in the rave scene started taking pills and drinking like a fish. Although since this only happened on Saturday nights, I kept telling myself that it was ok, that I had kicked "the addiction" and that it wasnt a problem because i wasnt doing it everyday. This went on for another few years and eventually wiened off of it.
This brings me to the last few 7 years of dealing with massive depression. I have a chemical imballance partially due to the heavy drug use. I've been struggling with this for a long long time and really dont know how to break the cycle. The good news is that I havent done any drugs in about 5 years. The bad news is that I'm not happy.
I still have the odd drink and sometimes binge but again only on weekends. I still think that in the back of my mind I have a problem but really can't get any clarity.
I don't mind sharing with you folks that I'm 27 years old and still live at home. As a side note to that I also wanted to share that I just purchased a property (from 5 years of working hard and saving). I guess the reason why I point that out to you (and myself) is that I consider this an accomplishment. If you would have told me 8 years ago that I would eventually be working in a full time solid job, be able to purchase a property and not be dead. I would have told you that you're nuts.
I guess the reason that Im posting here is so I can potentially get some insight and get this out in the open. Believe it or not, this actually feels really good just to be able to get it out (even if nobody reads it).
So I find my life entering yet another chapter, it went from stuggling with drug and alcohol addiction to severe depression. The thing that I find so strange is that right now my life has never been more focused. I have a job that I really like, I'm moving to a place of my own, I just got out of a long relationship (that was for the best)
But....... for some reason I feel like there has been an explosion in my brain and that I'm scattering to pick up the pieces.
Any help, thoughts, insight would really be much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Seattle Washington
Posts: 40
Hi - it sounds like you and I have alot in common. I too grew up in a similar disfunction and turned to drugs at a very early age. LSD at first was my fave too. Being that you and I were at the same age, there was a large influx of acid around that time. Cheap and awesome high back then. I too got way into the rave seen and all that. If you want to read more about what my life kinda went through read my post. I just got clean again from using pills after a long time of sobriety.
My outlook is this. I too have dealt with major depression and SEVERE anxiety, that is why I am sure it was much easier to use. A couple years ago a peson very close to me died tragically, sending me into a depression/anxiety that I didn't even realize was as bad as was until now. So to deal at the time I used pills, alcohol, anything to just get me out of my own reality.
Now I am seeing a therapist, that sounds like it hasn't worked out for you. I like her and she seems to be helping. I am also seeing a naturopath and taking 20mg of lexapro to help me manage the depression and anxiety and it seems to be working pretty well.
Do you take anything for your depression? It's a fact that alot of addicts abuse to self medicate themselves. In reality that should go without saying.
I really wish I could help you. If you want to talk about anything let me know.
My outlook is this. I too have dealt with major depression and SEVERE anxiety, that is why I am sure it was much easier to use. A couple years ago a peson very close to me died tragically, sending me into a depression/anxiety that I didn't even realize was as bad as was until now. So to deal at the time I used pills, alcohol, anything to just get me out of my own reality.
Now I am seeing a therapist, that sounds like it hasn't worked out for you. I like her and she seems to be helping. I am also seeing a naturopath and taking 20mg of lexapro to help me manage the depression and anxiety and it seems to be working pretty well.
Do you take anything for your depression? It's a fact that alot of addicts abuse to self medicate themselves. In reality that should go without saying.
I really wish I could help you. If you want to talk about anything let me know.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: League City, TX
Posts: 5
Surrendering
Thank you for sharing. If it made you feel better to share with cyberspace, then I can promise that in my case it was fantastic to share with people who actually hug you. Do you attend any NA or AA meetings? I have been sober now for 10 months and life has never been so good. It took me a long, long time to accept and surrender that I have an addiction. Oh, I would admit very easily I had a problem while in the throes of it, but the addiction would take over really quick and I was back into denial. The effects of drug and alcohol stay in our systems much longer than we realize so even if it's only week-ends, you may be barely sober before you start again. It is a fact that alcohol and some drugs are depressants. I experienced that, too. When I decided to get sober, I detoxed, then went to a really good Intensive Outpatient Treatment. Thank God,this prepared me for 12 step meetings. It was difficult to share in a meeting for quite a while until I finally realized those people had done everything I had and more. I didn't have to hit a financial bottom either, but I was lost spiritually. If you have any thoughts you have a problem, I encourage and beg you. Get help from people who are like you and understand. No one can understand us unless they have been through it. 12 step programs suggest we get medical and counseling help when it is needed. I will pray for you and I hope I've helped you in some way. That's what we do for each other.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you stick around and continue to post.
Talking to your doctor about your depression would be a good thing.
Just a thought but maybe even your occassional alcohol binge is worsening the depression?
I know when I drank I felt more depressed about my life. Only after taking alcohol out of the picture did I find happiness.
Welcome to SR!
Talking to your doctor about your depression would be a good thing.
Just a thought but maybe even your occassional alcohol binge is worsening the depression?
I know when I drank I felt more depressed about my life. Only after taking alcohol out of the picture did I find happiness.
Welcome to SR!
Silly Rabbit
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 956
hey musiclover... i'm a bit of a music love rmyself, so go figure. 
i loved your post. very honest, very cool. btw, there's no shame in living at home at 27. i used to call myself the george costanza out of all my friends because i was living with my mom and wearing sweatpants outside-in sobriety. but that's beside the point... i do have one, i think. what i wanted to ask was whether you're interested in staying sober or if you consider yourself a "normal" drinker... if you do think you've got a serious addiction issue, have you thought about AA or NA? i ask because i got sober through AA and the 12 steps, spirituality, and the sober kids who loved me in the rooms. it's pretty amazing, not gonna lie.
the other thing is, have you honestly disclosed all this info to a psychiatrist? major depression is serious stuff, especially dealing with dual diagnosis issues-mental health and substance abuse. maybe that'll be a turning point in your recovery...
i'm glad you're here. keep comin' back.
i loved your post. very honest, very cool. btw, there's no shame in living at home at 27. i used to call myself the george costanza out of all my friends because i was living with my mom and wearing sweatpants outside-in sobriety. but that's beside the point... i do have one, i think. what i wanted to ask was whether you're interested in staying sober or if you consider yourself a "normal" drinker... if you do think you've got a serious addiction issue, have you thought about AA or NA? i ask because i got sober through AA and the 12 steps, spirituality, and the sober kids who loved me in the rooms. it's pretty amazing, not gonna lie.the other thing is, have you honestly disclosed all this info to a psychiatrist? major depression is serious stuff, especially dealing with dual diagnosis issues-mental health and substance abuse. maybe that'll be a turning point in your recovery...
i'm glad you're here. keep comin' back.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR Musiclover, my story early on involved drugs then evolved into a very long drinking story, depression is part of drinking and it takes a very long time of total abstinance from alcohol for ones brains chemicals to return to normal.
Even after 14 months of total abstinance I am seeing improvements. What returned me to sanity was not only total abstinance, but the program of AA, as I worked the steps changing myself along the way all of the guilt, shame, & depression has been lifted from me and I am happier then I have been in well over 30 years.
Do not get me wrong, some folks need the therapist and anti-depressants in order to get back into life, but with out a program and total abstinace for quite a while it is almost impossible to ever escape from addictions and even once escape is achieved it must be maintained daily.
Even after 14 months of total abstinance I am seeing improvements. What returned me to sanity was not only total abstinance, but the program of AA, as I worked the steps changing myself along the way all of the guilt, shame, & depression has been lifted from me and I am happier then I have been in well over 30 years.
Do not get me wrong, some folks need the therapist and anti-depressants in order to get back into life, but with out a program and total abstinace for quite a while it is almost impossible to ever escape from addictions and even once escape is achieved it must be maintained daily.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Welcome musiclover! BTW, there is a forum for depression here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/mental-health/
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/mental-health/
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
OK...I have to admit that I am yet another unabashedly enthusiastic member of AA.
I also advocate NA, since I have a daughter who has been clean and sober over 10 years through that program. In your case, a combination of AA and NA meetings would probably be very helpful.
Entirely possible, since alcohol is a depressant!
Keep us posted on any progress you're making towards sobriety.
Get help from people who are like you and understand. No one can understand us unless they have been through it. 12 step programs suggest we get medical and counseling help when it is needed.
Just a thought but maybe even your occassional alcohol binge is worsening the depression?
Keep us posted on any progress you're making towards sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Hi!
Welcome!
I identify allot with you. We have many things in common. We were both born in a great year; my parents seperated when I was 11; I started drinking and smoking hash when I was 14.
Congratulations on the purchase of your property, that's really good.
Let us know how you're getting on.
Welcome!
I identify allot with you. We have many things in common. We were both born in a great year; my parents seperated when I was 11; I started drinking and smoking hash when I was 14.
Congratulations on the purchase of your property, that's really good.
Let us know how you're getting on.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
