Jomey

I don't know how to do this. I feel like I am behaving like a little child. In ways, I guess I am child like as in learning how to live sober. I am still real anxious and emotional at times, because "life" still seems like a full force blast without anything to numb any of it. I am ok with that feeling, and learning to live with it as it lessens.

I made a lot of bad decisions about drinking and while drinking. I am getting past the guilt on that too. Now, I feel like I am in this limbo of wanting to be less childlike, wanting to be less reliant on others to help with decision making (inc. husband, mom, councellor, sponsor, best friend (who is also a priest), but not sure of myself at all. In particular, I am not getting anywhere with my sponsor. She doesn't seem to believe me that I don't want to drink any more. I don't want to drink! I am not saying I am past ever having a craving, or thinking that I will never, ever be tempted, but right now, I need help on learning how to live as a sober person, not to hear "one more drink will kill you!" I just about get up the nerve to state my piece (nicely - I know she is trying to help) and then I get all filled with self-doubt. After all, I say to myself, she has been sober a long time, and she has a lot of serenity and peace in her life that I want. Maybe she knows something I don't? Well, actually I am sure she does, but that doesn't mean she is necessarily right about this? All this "circular" thinking and opinion-polling is getting me down.

Anyone else go through this? When do you start to trust in yourself again after years of bad choices?

I read on another thread this great quote:" I can do anything in the world today, except drink alcohol" That is a very exciting, promising vision!!! I want to get out in the world and live my dreams, but I need more faith in myself to do it!

Thanks for listening guys!

Anna

Hi Jomey,

It sounds like you're doing really well.

This might be a good time to follow your instincts. I felt like you did and it was very scary to me to make choices that I had to make and to be strong enough to deal with the consequences. Start slowly and move forward as you gain confidence. If your sponsor ends up filling you with self-doubt, then I really think you need to deal with that issue and talk to her. Of course, you need to examine your own motives and know in your heart that you're doing the right thing.

Alive

i've come to believe that every human being has to find a particular purpose to his life. I don't know witch is yours, but i can see you're trying to find it, and that is the best you can do..

love ya Jomey.

keep taking care of yourself, you deserve the best life you can get..
eventually there's a day when you wake up and the pain is gone....

ccirider

Hi Jomey:

Putting an end to what is making us miserable in life will never make us happy, although it is a prerequisite for happiness. Happiness requires us to take action whereas abstinence is a lack of action.

Aysha

Jomey... I make head strong decisions then need help to either follow through or pick up after it.
I am very child like. I know I am. I am like a freakin teenager.
I have heard that when you start using your mentality stops maturing at that point. I dont know how true it is.
It sure does feel like it to me sometimes.

I dont think anyone ever really has the perfect answer to anything or really knows definately how good a decision is.
But you have to move forward and believe in yourself and take that chance sometimes. As long as your intentions are good. Thats how we learn. We live and learn.

You can do it.

Pinkcuda

Stick the 12 Promises to your refrigerator with a magnet. They really do come true.

Jersey Nonny

Pinkcuda and I don't often agree on much...but, this I will endorse, 100%!!!

Quote:

In particular, I am not getting anywhere with my sponsor. She doesn't seem to believe me that I don't want to drink any more. I don't want to drink!

No reflection on your sponsor...I'm sure she means well, and maybe she's become a bit disillusioned after dealing with relapsers. But, I'd feel more confident in her if she would put more effort into building you up. Eventually, you're going to have to trust your own instincts...no one can live your sober life for you. Time to grow up and accept responsibility. Just don't drink, and everything else will become clear to you.

Dee74

Jomey...
I felt like this too...always second guessing myself, very unsure, very scared, like a newborn...after all I'd avoided life and responsibility for at least 15 years...

but I didn't have to do anything exactly...I just kinda grew into my new life....and it's pretty freaking cool LOL

Trust yourself. You're pretty special (no-one else here can thank twice can they ? ) and Trust God too...nothing wrong with a little backup

You'll be fine.

D

Jomey

Thanks everyone for all your help!

It's not that I don't want to take responsibility for my own actions, it's more fear of how my actions will affect others. I went for so long thinking I was doing a great job in my marriage, with my kids, with my faith...now I look at how much of that I saw through booze goggles, I am astounded by my own stupidity! I am scared witless about making big decisions for my family, which are unavoidably on my plate right now, like where to live, how much we can afford to pay for a house, whether or not to take a better paying job but not being able to be home all the time with the younguns...big stuff like that.

Pinkcuda and Nonny, I have a copy of the promises. Thanks for the advice. Can you explain to me a little more about Promise Number 12, if you don't mind? I don't really get yet how just not drinking will bring these things into my life. Please know I would sincerely like that to happen, and I have great respect for AA. Is it just a matter of time? But Promise 12 says I have to work for these things. How? By doing the steps? Is there more? Is it just living sober and "getting there"? These are the types of things I would like to ask my sponsor, but I don't ever get the answers I am looking for. I am not doubting the way of AA, I am just confused and curious.

Dee, my good friend, did you notice that I am not "double thanking" anymore, as of this thread!? The horror! I guess I am just going to have to take your word and His that I am special!!:ghug2 I loved your response....I think you and I are alike in a lot of ways, and you give me great courage and hope. Thanks, angel. Got those wings ready? Might be needin' em soon!

Karim, I can feel your hug from here! Thanks for sharing...love ya too! You, too, Chiy and Anna and CC!

Justme57

Hi Jomey ,

Sounds to me as if you are right onb track ! LOL

I was exactly the same, I had self doubt, and wanted to "do it all myself". For me , it was easier eventually to just give it up, and ask my Sponsers advice ! That way, I remedied the "circuitous thinking", and could keep it in the day. it was very hard at first, and I had to practice , and self talk to myself. I am happy to say that it doeas "get better" and now some of the things I had to conciously practice, have become habit ! Thank God and my very patient spons !

For me, when I have had a feeling of Dis -ease , it has heralded a spurt in my recovery growth, keep your mind open, do the suggested things, and hang on, and I bet in a month, you will look back and say " WOW! look @ me, somethings changed "

Keep doing what you are doing , and all will be well

HUGX
Leigh

Jomey

Hey Leigh, thanks for the great advice. Would you care to share the "self talk" that you used? I would be interested to know what worked for you.

As for my sponsor, it is not that I haven't been asking her, it's just that I am not getting answers that help me. I have to address this with my sponsor. I just need the faith in myself to do it. I feel awkward questioning her, but sometimes, I doubt she is really hearing my questions. For example, when I asked her the question about the how the promises come into your life, she just kept repeating that I need to stop thinking about drinking. Well, I don't think about drinking, other than I don't want to do it. She says, "you must be or the promises would be coming clear to you." Ok, I know I am a moron who wasted a lot of time on booze, but I do know (and knew the day I asked her) that for that day, I did not and do not want to drink. So, I am here looking for others advice to get out of that "circular" thinking!

Thanks for taking the time to share! It makes me feel great to know that I am not alone. Hugs to you, Leigh

Justme57

Hi again Jomey !
When I say "Self talk" I just use the cliches , actually. "Keep it in the day " was a huge one for me , I have all my life been a habitual worrier, and I found it very difficult to cope with the "Lack of worry" whch eventually happened for me . I had to tell myself, that "for today" I need not worry, and to relax and enjoy it , for today. My sponser told me , to "Feel the feeling" , but I had to practice ! LOL

"How important is it " I use a lot still, and that stops me going off and projecting , "For today , all is well" LOL

I also used to be very paranoid, my paranoia ruled my life ! my Sponser told me to get over myself ( I was mortally wounded at the time LOL) so if I find myself falling into that trap, and thinking , "she didnt ring cos she hates me" ect , I tell myself I am not actually that important 1 LOL Works for me , and now I seldom have those thoughts

As for the promises, I only realise that I have received any , in retrospect , I suddenly realise that an attitude , or a reaction, has changed , and when I look back, I see that a promise has come true for me. It is quite exciting to me, cos I drank for 37 years, and was a shell when I came to AA, and now , I actually have some of that serenity they talk about ! LOL

I a rambling a bit , but I hope this is of help

HUGX
Leigh

Pinkcuda

Yes Jomey, working the steps is the answer. The simple act of not drinking will not allow for these promises to come true. Drinking is a symptom. Something is wrong in our lives and we seem to find the bottle to make it go away. Doing the 12 Steps fixes or helps to fix the "Cause" of our discontentness with our lives.

Jomey

Thanks so much Leigh - your advice helps alot - if I can figure out how to use my printer, I am going to print it out and keep it with me. I hope to hear more from you soon. The stuff about worry rings so true to me!!

Thanks, Pinkcuda - very clear and helpful advice. Will do as advised and put promises on the fridge.

thanks again!

Justme57

You know Jomey, I have been thinking since I posted , and it amazes me , as to where on earth all my self pity, and fear, and paranoia has gone ?????????????

It used to be the sum total of my existence, but that is one of those "looking back" things, I never realised it HAD gone, till one day, I suddenly twigged, I hadnt felt any of those feelings or thoughts for quite a while . Sometimes I have a little grin to myself , I cant believe that this is "Me " ! LOL

HUGX
Leigh

Jomey

Leigh - OMG, that sounds so great...I admire (and want to be) where you are! Ever think of being an on-line sponsor!?!:mock Thanks for sharing! Hugs, J

Justme57

I know you are probably sick of hearing it , but " give it time " LOL

I am just over 4 years sober, and NEVER even thought that I would be 'serene" LOL even for a minute. I used to hear people share in meetings about their "serenity" and thought "yeah RIGHT!". But here I am with a bit myself !

I had the honour of meeting an SR member f2 f the other day, and she paid me the biggest compliment, saying she could "see " my serenity ! LOL NOT something I would ever have used to describe me !

It has been my experience that others notice changes before we do, or me anyway .

HUGX
Leigh

ccirider

So you get up the courage to tell her how you feel and then you turn coward. If you have trouble being honest with her about how you feel, you are probably having trouble being honest with yourself.

Here is where I don't think that you are being honest with yourself. It seems to me that you are using this as a rationalization to explain why you are turning coward. Your feelings are your feelings and your recovery is your recovery. This is about you and not about your sponsor. It's about you knowing what you want and going after it. Tell your sponsor how you feel; be honest with her. If she has serenity and peace, as you say that she does, but she can't mentor you on the way to achieve that goal, then what good is she to you? If you had a doctor who wasn't helping you with a physical ailment, wouldn't you move on to another doctor? If she isn't helping you achieve peace and serenity in your life, then move on to a different sponsor. You are going in circles here because you haven't mustered the courage to tell your sponsor how you feel.

If you want to have the courage to get out in the world and live your dreams, you can start by having the courage to tell your sponsor how you feel.

Peace.

lostmdboy

A saying that I thought was humoris when I was going through those feelings was " if you live with one foot in the past, and one in the future all you can do is P**s on today." Just do the best you can today, and the tomorrows will all work out.

Dee74

ah...ccirider ?
Jomeys one of the most honest and bravest ppl I know.
I get your point but you've bristled my fur - I would have chosen my words more carefully.

D