Change4life

Hi everyone.

Still working towards 90 days and I have been doing fairly well. This time around I set up some guidelines as far as what I do, who I see. Trying to follow a simple daily routine, journaling evrything, vitamin therapy etc. So this time I was more prepared instead of just quitting without any plan.

This week was kinds rough. Depression was kicking my ass and I wasnt feeling that great. Wednsday I came close to going out 2 in the morning to cop. Thank God I didnt., but now the weekend is here and I am still feeling low. Thanksgiving is next week and I have no place to go which sucks for 2 reasons;
1) I have no place to go and I am feeling extremely lonely
2) thanksgiving is my favorite holiday as far as food goes.

So that is bothering me.

Im having a hard time looking for work cause I am still really depressed and this whole transition into sobriety has left me feeling damaged. I really feel how f'd up I am, how dysfunctional. livng where I am is taking a toll cause Jon has a personality that is hard to deal with. he is so angry at evryone and everything. He walks arounfd huffing and puffing all the time. Anyway I have tried to be nice, but he just doesnt realize how negative he. His negativity is actually causing me to be sick. He was gone for a month and my stomache didnt bother me at all the week before he came back I started vomiting again and I have been puking everyday since. His negativity is stressing me out. I know I have been complaining about the situation for awhile and I should probably be on the whine post with this.

I know I have to get out asap, So pLease dont get on my case for that. i am hoping I t is just a matter of getting a litttle more clean time and then I will be able to function somewhat better. Getting out of the house is still a problem if I am going somewhere outside my comfort zone.

Back to to tonight.

I feel like having a drink. I really do. I can almost taste it and feel that nice warm fuzzy feeling I get with that first chugalug. Not willing to give up my 75 tho.
I need to kepp myself busy I guess or I suppose I can always go to sleep, but I am starting to sleep my life away. I hope this gets better soon.

Hope

Having a plan is great. Keep that plan in place and don't let your guard down. Even just going out and taking a walk when the situation gets stressful would be good. Don't allow too much stress to build up because that could cause an " I don't care " attitude. Just focus on keeping yourself healthy and get out at times of intense stress and don't use because that would only add more stress and depression. At 75 days your body and brain are still healing. Be gentle on yourself.

Stay away from alcohol and drugs. It would only make it worse even if it seems like it could get no worse. It always can unless you're sober.

Hang in there Beth. You are doing great. Being sober doesn't always feel good but drinking doesn't feel good either so SOBER is better all the way.

Hugs..

Surlyredhead

Be strong, you can do this...I spent my first 4th of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year alone.....I mean ALONE....and you are right, it SUCKED. However, by staying clean, I was able to gain the trust I so longed for from my family. Those were the last holidays I had to spend alone......so even though it is hard right now, hold on to that sobriety for dear life.....it WILL get better. 90 days is a huge milestone, you are so close...I know you can do this.

Cathy

Dee74

Well you don't need the pep talk cos you're strong...
but here it is anyway LOL

there's always a million reasons to drop out...but only one to stay the course.
Because we're worth it

You are Beth. You can do this. I believe in you.

getting through this - now *thats* a warm fuzzy feeling

D

gypsytears

Get through this craving. Do your journal, sleep, post here, whatever to keep you distracted. You can worry about moving or a job when this passes. The other things won't work out anyway if you have that drink most likely... so don't. Hopefully by the time you read these reponses the craving has passed .

What are you doing for Thanksgiving? Can you make a few of your favorite holiday foods?

Anna

Beth,

You can get through this. You are doing great and you are moving forward. You can't let it slip away from you. And, I know you're looking for a new place to live and I am sure you'll find something good.

My suggestion for Thanksgiving - volunteer at a homeless shelter and help serve the Thanksgiving meal to the street people. It will do wonders for your depression.

Empty Cartridge

Remember: the temptation is temporary. The relief and satisfction of not giving into temptation lasts much, much longer. Let us know how it goes.

Missymae737

Hi,

I understand about the holidays...This year will be the first sober in three years...I feel confused and have negative emotions...I am not sure why...

BUT, I will continue to go to meetings and come here...This is the key element to my sobriety...

We never have to be alone if we don't want to be...

Thinking of you...:morning

Change4life

Thank you all for your responses. Unfortunately after I posted this i got kicked off the computer for the night. Had a huge arguement with JOn because he has been calling my friend Roe and asking her to lunch and stuff. Hes creeping her out and she asked me to talk to him about it and ask him not to call her. When I brought it up he flew off the handle screaming at me to get my stuff and get out. I tried to explain to him that he shouldnt be mad at me. I was just relaying the message.

Its not that she has anything against him, but hes 15 years older not that age matters, but he acts old and grumpy manno one wants to be around that.

Anyway He semed to calm down when I explained that they just dont have anything in common and that it was nothing personal. I suggested he try to get involved with something so he could make his own friends. He belongs to the american legion so I am guessing noone from there likes him and his angry self either.

I needed to get away from him anyway.

I had no idea where to go and without thinking just walked right into the bar.

In the front door and right out the back.

I kept walking past the house in the hopes he would go out. He did so I went back in the house and right to sleep. Well I layed down, but sleep wasnt coming to quick I guess I finally fell out cause I woke up the sun was up and I made it through another day.

Im happy about that, but im now feeling worse today than I did yesterday. Im feeling very thirsty and I dont mean for water. All I want is a few hours of relief. the stress is really messing with me.

Im considering putting my crap in storage and going to a shelter or just back on the streets, but winter is coming. I didnt fair to well in the summer. I dont think I could make it more than a week on the streets in the winter.

Wow I really want a drink today. I keep opening the fridge like a beer or something will magically appear.

Anna I already thought about working thanksgiving, but the places close enough for me to get to are all right smack in the middle of the drug zones. Im really scared to try and venture off in those areas by myself. Im still making calls to see if I can find somewhere safe for me to go.

I would love to cook, but I cant stand the thought of sitting here alone with Jon I would rather stick my head in the oven. Dont worry I wont!!!

The question is how am I gonna get through today Im absolutely dying for a drink. I want to go back to sleep, but he is making that impossible hes on a make beth miserable mission.

Dee74

Drinking might help you forget all this...for a time, sure. But...you're not a kid Beth. You can't run away from crap anymore, even when your current situation is so bad.

You need to face up to this and move out...if that means a shelter then it might have to be. You can't live on the streets for heaven's sake. Not in Joisey in the winter.

Besides the not running away angle ?
you and I both know where the first drink is likely to lead ya...do you really want to go back there ? do you really want to have to go through all that again, and have to deal with that *on top* of this Jon crap ?

D

Empty Cartridge

Wow! I guess I didn't know much about your story.

That's a lot to deal with. I hope you can make it through the day without adding to it, by going to the booze. Good luck.

Aysha

Beth..I am so proud of you for your clean time.
That is so amazing and your doing great.
But you know it's coming....
GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THAT HOUSE!!!
Not to the streets.
There has got to be something you can do.
I am not trying to pry or get in your business.
But have you tried housing authority?
You are so hopeful and doing so good. I just wish you could find a nice safe comfortable living arrangement.
That place seems to be the root of everything you struggle with.
I will be thinking of you.
Keep fighting the good fight.
Your doing a damn good job winning so far.

Rowan

Beth,

You can get through today without a drink the same way you have for the many days you have now put together without one. What's harder now? Is it because of the difficulty you face in your home? You mentioned a shelter or the street. If you can go to a shelter, why don't you? You CAN do this, Beth. You are as close to a drink as I am - and that's an arm's length. Don't reach for it, and you won't drink.


Ro

Change4life

Im gonna check into that chy. I think there is a long waiting list. I know they werent even taking applications for awhile. Maybe thats changed.

Rowan Im not sure whats making me want to drink. The past few days ive been thinking about it. I have been staying away from the house as much as possible, but the last two weeks I wasnt able to go where I usually stay cause my moms friend has been sick and she is busy taking care of her so I have been here way to much.

Im feeling very unhappy, depressed, and I just want to isolate which i know is not a good thing. Im also very tired and thats a huge trigger for me. It makes me want to use coke also just so I can get some energy.

I would like to take a nap.

All I want is a space for myself. I dont care if its a little room in an attic somewhere. I just need space.

Thats what it is Rowan I can never get any peace of mind my thought s are getting cluttered and drinking numb all the crap I cant deal with out.

One day without thinking about everything. But I know thre is no such thing as one day. If I use today I will probably use tomarrow and maybe I wont be able to stop again this time. then what Death.

Not a very pleasant thought, although that would definetely be some relief ( a little to permanent tho)

scaredykat

Hi Beth, Just hang in there. I had a bad week myself and coming on here helps. It definitely isn't worth it to pick up again or we'll be right back where we started. That's what i keep telling myself. It will get better.

The holidays are starting to stress me out too. My plan is just going to more meetings and hanging out with my sober friends and telling them what's bothering me.

Barb

Change4life

Im in such a bad mood, but I am hangin.

teej

Oh God Beth, please dont go back!! It's not worth it babe! You got to hang in there and find a solution. Look in the paper?? Maybe someone needs a live-in housekeeper/nanny.....apartment manager....just look! Maybe something is there. I will say a prayer for you that you will be alcohol/drug free and get on your feet again without that a$$hole!! He doesnt deserve you anyway!! Hugs!

Rowan

Keep posting, Beth. Get it out.

Change4life

I want to get back on my feet so bad and be the indepedant fun person I use to be.
I canrt get out of here just yet, but i can get out of my head for a little while.

In all my years of drinking I never did it with the intention of passing out. right now I feel like drinking muself into oblivion. Im miserable. I dont want to be here right now, but I have no one to call nowhere to go and its cold out. I looked in my meeting books NA and AA and unbelievably enough thier are no meetings in my area tonight. I missed them they were this afternoon. Im sitting here in the basement alone crying and dont know what to do with myself. I want to call my mom, but she is too far away to help me so thier is no point telling her whats going on. She has to go in for surgery next week and the last thing I want to do is upset her. I just have to suck it up.

Anybody have a tissue?

Rowan

Wouldn't it help just to talk to your mom, Beth? You don't have to suck it up - you're human and you're in pain, and you need someone to talk to. You're safe here. It's okay to expose yourself.
I understand wanting to drink til oblivion. Don't do it. You'll have shame and regret to accompany you when you sober up. You want to go back to being fun and independent, and you will, IF you don't drink or use. You gotta go through this to get there, Beth. You're not alone, I promise you. Can you get to a meeting tomorrow afternoon or evening?