Rowan

*bump*

Hi Beth - hope you are doing okay today.

Anna

Hi Beth,

I've thinking about you and hope you had a good day!

Change4life

Ive changed alot so maybe it was time to change my id, but I dont like the fact that I had to do it in the name of privacy.

gypsytears

How are you doing today... besides going incognitio ?

Change4life

Im okay

but I have a Painful confession.

I used last night. I am back on day one.

I could say I hate myself but i dont. i saw it coming and didnt do the things that might have prevented my falling, but beating myself up about it isnt gonna help.

The good news is that I hated it. I had a small taste and that was more than enough. I left quickly, but not quick enough.

Im more than slightly disgusted with myself, but im just gonna continue to move forward and consider this a little bump in the road.


how is everyone else?

Change4life

That one small fall is causing me so many problems that I am hating myself.

1) Okay first of all I f'd up my clean time.

2) I was given a second chance with probation and I screwed that up cause im supposed to go tomarrow but if I do Im gonna test positive again.
if I go Im screwed if I dont Im screwed so I am definetely screwed.

3) I missed work cause I feel like ****, and my boss is pissed as hell.
told me to stay home tomarrow also.

4) Im severely depressed and my anxiety is off the charts cause Im worried about probation again.

I need to look at this little list next time I think of using.

Thats just the short list never mind all the other things than can and will go wrong.

You would think the though of being homeless again would be enough to keep me of the ****.

I know i fell cause ive been severely depressed. Like cant leave the house depressed.
So i made an appointment to see a Dr. tomarrow to see if I can get some meds.

I cant live like this anymore.

Im gonna call probation tomarrow tell them i just got the note and that I have a drs appointment I cant miss andI will be there first thing MOnday. I think I should probably go Friday if shes there, but dont think I will be clean by then.

Im gonna tell her i havent been there because I havent been going anywhere, and that the depressionhas had me paralyzed.

I doubt it will help, but My counselor can back that up. Its well documented that I am severely depressed.

I cant use.

I just wish I could get all this legal crap out of the way. Its stresses me out cause I cant seem to do what they tell me when Im all depressed.

Rowan

Beth,

Until you get clean, that legal crap will continue to grow and manifest. Quit digging and get some real help.
I believe you when you say you are depressed and anxious. I wish I could do this for you, but you're going to have to pick yourself up and start over. Please believe in yourself that you can get clean and stay that way, and that you are worth it.
I'm sure I asked this before but I don't remember - how about going to NA and getting a sponsor.
I will never judge you, Beth. I have relapsed before and I know what it's like. I wanted someone to fix me but in the end it was just me and God.

gypsytears

Read your post again. It has many reasons why you shouldn't. Can you think of any reasons why using is a good idea when faced with a list like that?

You don't have to "live like this anymore" if you quit you know. It does get better. The legal stuff, the anxiety, your health, life.

Change4life

Hi Rowan. I go to group once a week, but i admit that couod be better. Its not run very efficiently.

I also go to a counselor twicw a month, but were changing it to weekly.

I dont go to meetings so I dont have a sponsor, but I think I need more support.

Ive relapsed hundreds of times before, but this is the first time I stopped myself while using. Usually I say to myself well I already f'd up so I might as well finish whats here and then ill stop, and then I usually go for a few days or weeks run.

This time I was like what the hell am I doing. And I left where I was went home and then freaked out cause I knew OI screwed up.

I know all to well the legal problems wont go away till I stop using. i dont know why I do it anyway.

i am feeling so miserably digusted. All I can do is get back to the game plan stick to it pray and hope things will work out.

I was doing so damn well and now my head is all screwed up again.

Change4life

hI gypsy.

I know you are 100% right. I knoew I f'd up. I really thought I had it together this time.

Its that damn people places and things that gets me everytime. I was in the car and even said I didnt have a good feeling about where we going. I shopuld have got out and walked home when the driver didnt wan to turn around.

I knew it I just didnt listen to myself.

Funny how if I made a list of reasons to use There isnt one, but the list of why not to is pages long and I still did the wrong thing.

Im hoping oce I get the depression in check I wont be as vulnerable to temptation cause I will be more balanced.

gypsytears

You have to make some changes with that people, places, things Beth. If it's one of your triggers, it needs to be changed.

I hope you get a check on your depression. I feel down sometimes but I wouldn't say it's true depression so I can't really give you any real advice about that part. I hope getting it evened out will make a difference for you... don't give up on your group or counselor.

You are right about not listening to yourself. See, you are making progress though because you realise it now. Next time (if there is one)...do listen to yourself. You did know what to do. You get stronger EVERY time you don't give in .

Dee74

You need to do something B. Not just carry on as you have been - you made 75 days which is great, but you also used - and you saw it coming and didn't stop yourself - even tho it means the probation hassle and the fact you're in trouble with work, all which means you're stuck with snoop dog for a while yet again, right ?

You need support Beth. I dunno anything about NA but it's worth checking out again. Everything is at this point.

lecture over. message out.

D

Anna

Beth,

You need to know, deep in your soul, that things are never going to get better until you stop using and in fact, they will continue to get worse and worse. That's a fact.

I truly understand depression and I hope that you get on medication that helps you deal with it. You know I use antidepressants and I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't started using them.

I hope you find peace.

Change4life

I know I really messed up and D your right I am still in the loop if I am using knowing I have probation. I have an appointment with a dr. tomarrow for the depression and I put a call into the rehab I went to last year to see if they have a bed. i think I might need a second round.

gypsytears

When do you expect a call back about a bed at the rehab? Seeing your doctor about the depression is a wise idea.

Change4life

I am hoping they will call tnight, but it doesnt look that way. i guess thy will call back in the AM. Im not waiting tho. as soon as I get up I will call again. i really think I will get something out of this stay caus eI am serious. Last year I was so distraught nothing really mattered to me so I didnt pay attention.

It will also be a place I can network at and get some #s fromt hte NA and AA people that come in.. I think if i can just get some foundation some structure and a support network Ican do this..

I have known I have to quit for a long time but was never willing to make the necessary changes. thos time I am not fooling around. I have waste enough of my life. Im not willing to waste anymore at this point. I got a small taste of what sobriety brings and I like it.

gypsytears

Calling them back in the morning 1st thing is a good idea if they don't call tonight. You sound serious to me. Another stay at a rehab now that you're willing might just be the push you need. I know you don't like AA/NA meetings and why... but they are free you know. And you can meet people, get #'s there. Something to think about.

Rowan

Never stop believing in yourself, Beth.

Put half the effort into recovery that you put into scoring dope or booze, and just you wait and see the miracles that will happen for you.

Keep posting here, please. We need you.

gypsytears

What happened with you today Beth? Thinking of you.

Dee74

me2.

D