matt88

Well, I've finally reached a point where I have a real, honest, and true desire to stop drinking alcohol. This seems like a good discussion forum, and it helps me to write this out as by writing this out it helps cement my decision to quit consuming alcohol. I've been through the ringer with alcohol. In fact I probably am a posterboy for alchoholism. All the characteristics of alcoholism are exhibited by me. I've had legal troubles. One DUI at 17, and one DWI recently at 24. Both involved car crashes, thank God no one was hurt in either. I've had a few public intoxes, and minor in possesions as well. About 6 months ago, after an episode of drinking for a week or so literally non stop, only pausing for sleep, I had the DT's. That was probably the most horrible thing I've ever been through. At one point during that episode I thought I was going to die. I've been drinking no less than weekly for the last seven years, at least since 2000. After another drinking episode, I admitted myself into a rehab facility, but I had no desire to truly stop drinking, I just wanted meds to alievate possible withdrawal symptoms, and left after not even 2 days. I've had countless embarassing situations. One that springs to mind is when I showed up to a job that I had in retail completely drunk at around 10am with a drink in hand and made a big scene.

I started drinking in high school and it was fun. After high school, I drunk with friends, but everyone knows how everyone kinda parts ways after high school and people go down their own paths. So, I then would drink with coworkers, some who would become drinking buddies. These people moved on and eventually I started drinking alone at home by myself, which I have been doing for a couple years now. Drinking alone is another big indicator of alcoholism. I rationalize that drinking alone and at home is one of the safest ways of drinking, as I'm not driving, there is no one with me so I cant make an ass of myself, and if I act like a fool, then no one is there but me. But then at the same time, I drunkingly go on various messageboards and troll around on them while drunk and make an ass of myself while drunk online too!

Anyhow, this last Friday night, a good friend invited me to come to hang out. He hardly drank, but sure enough I got completely wasted and I feel that I made a drunken, inchorent, boisterous, belligerent idiot of myself again. I lose control of myself while drinking, and while drunk it's almost as if I take pleasure in this lost control and revel in it probably much to the dismay and shock of those not as along in thier alcoholism as me.

I do not like the person alcohol turns me into anymore. I feel that if I drink around other people, I alienate them. I have a lot of potential, and I'm not embracing it. I'm not giving life my best shot. Alcohol is affecting my schoolwork. To get an idea of the degree it is affecting my work - I started college in 2001. It's 2007. I do have an associate degree, but it's been 6 years. Not too mention the physical, mental, and emotional problems. I know everytime I sober up how fantastic I feel and I see how enjoyable life can be. And I know how miserable I feel everytime I drink, but I still drink, thinking that weekly drinking is "moderation".

Well, my life just hasn't been working out since I've started drinking, so it's time to take a different approach. It's time for me to give this complete abstinence thing a shot and to embrace life rather than destroying my life.

I'm on day 3 and I had some minor withdrawals, nothing like the full blown DT's I had before, but I really feel better after writing this out. This helps me cement my decision to try and turn my life around. Thanks for reading and giving me a place to share.

tanyapmc

Welcome to SR. It sounds to me like you want to make a change in your life. That is a great place to start. Have you thought about going to AA? It is really helping me. It helps to be able to talk to people who truely understand.

I am glad your here. Keep us posted on how your doing.

Emimily

hey matt, welcome. i'm in AA as well, it's been an amazing blessing in my life... the whole "joyous, happy, and free" thing is actually real. who knew?

anyway, it's good that you're here. keep comin back.

RJS

"...showed up to a job that I had in retail completely drunk at around 10am with a drink in hand and made a big scene."
It's me all over again!!! I love it. Well, add maybe a few more wrecks, greyhound buses, homeless shelters, live chickens and courtroom appearances...
And I walked into my first meeting ever with my head held high and told them how I was gonna become the person I coulda been if I had never drunk. And meant it.
You have all the makings of a future AA genius...as soon as you get through the drunken genius part...
I doubt you're quite finished yet... But keep coming back!!!

parentrecovers

hey matt, i have a 23 year old daughter - your story mirrors hers to almost every last detail. i am glad you found us. i hope you find the answers and support you are looking for here. please keep posting. blessings, k

1963comet

Glad that you decided to stop drinking.

That was a very honest letter. You could print that up and put it on the fridge where you can see it. Just as a reminder.

My bad memories of drinking help me stay sober today.

Rowan

Welcome to SR - you've found a great place for support. We understand what it's like. Please continue to post and reach out.

Captain Kirk

Hi Matt!
Welcome aboard! The people on here are really great and often have very good advice to share to.
Let us know how you're getting on.
Good luck!

kelsh

Hi Matt,

Day three is a pretty good start. Glad you didn't have bad withdrawals. It would be good to remember how bad the DT's were so you don't have to do that again.

Sober Recovery is a very good place to get experience, strength, & hope from others that have traveled the same road and understand what you are going through. :comfort

I went to AA every night for one solid year to be sure I would maintain my sobriety. I also had major depression issues to work on. I still use what I learned in AA with all the tools and continue follow-ups for my depression and take medication for the depression. It has been a long road to recovery and I continue to follow it. :atv

I wanted sobriety more than anything else in my life. After I was sober a few years all my dreams and goals came true one at a time simular to the AA Promises.

kelsh

matt88

Thanks for the welcome. In the past I have always regarded AA as an excellent organization, but never attended, mainly because at best I only wished to cut back alcohol use and had never had an intention to fully abstain. The whole social aspect of AA may be a good idea for me because after the weekdays, suddenly the weekend approaches and I get an irresistible urge Friday and Saturday night to do something - which usually means an itch to drink. My body and mind is likely just used to this drinking rhythm and breaking it will be as simple as getting past one weekend without alcohol - maybe easier said than done though. For now I plan to maybe rent some movies, read, or indulge in any other activities during these high risk Fri and Sat night time periods - an AA meeting could certainly be one of these activities to fill the gap that is normally spent drinking.

If youd like, feel free to let her read my post. At this age bracket, alcoholic tendencies are often encouraged, condoned, celebrated, swept under the rug, or even assumed as some kind of right of passage or phase of youth that will pass. Maybe, but also it's said that alcoholism is progressive, which is true in my experience, and so easily a "phase" can turn into years and decades spent revolving around alcohol. Thanks for the welcome.

Good idea, I'm going to do that. After a few days, this early conviction may pass, and I will feel perfectly well again and then the weeked rolls around..


Thanks everyone for the welcome and input, I feel much more optimistic.

matt88

Well Well. I'm back again. To not confuse the original post was from 2007, although it's still just as relevant to me now.

I never did fully stop drinking, and continued with my usual pattern of weekly or so drinking. However, I did cut back some. I never drunk multiple days in a row, and never drunk in the morning to relieve the hangover, only to end up drinking all day. That type of drinking led me to understand what the DT's where all about. But I'm still binge drinking.

Anyways, basically I drunk 12 beers yesterday, and today was very depressed about my drinking, and I remembered this website, and the help and support available here.

Now, my binge drinking must stop. My conviction this time is very strong. I just can't continue with this cycle, it's simply way too damaging in all areas. I've messed up enough with alcohol, there's no reason to mess up more. Today and now I've felt very anxious and depressed. It's part withdrawal and will pass. But I feel terrible. I know that I will feel better, and that's the hard part, that's the part I have to learn. I've detoxed a million times. Part of what I have to learn is that stopping drinking isn't going to be a cure all and that there are times I'm going to feel less than fantastic even while sober.

It's like that experiment where they give guinea pigs alcohol, and all of them drink it at first, some keep drinking, and then some of them avoid the alcohol. I'm one of the ones that keeps drinking the stuff even though I know it spells bad news for me the next day or two.

Anyway, I'm here, and still pretty fragile right now. I think I'll see a doctor on Friday and explain that I've just put off drinking and have an anxious tendencey. Plus I haven't had a checkup in years. Thanks in advance for being here. This website truly is a help. I'm probably going to be up a good chunk of the night and am just going to browse around.

Aysha

Sonky

Welcome back, Matt. I did get confused with your first and last posting, but your honesty with yourself has not changed. Stick with us.

I am only on Day 2 and dreading tomorrow - Friday night drinkies are the hardest for me to get through. I might take on 'weekendbinger's idea and take my kids to the movies to get myself out of this routine...???

least

Welcome back! YOu can do this - just take it one day at a time - just don't drink for today.:ghug3

matt88

Yep, that's pretty much the only plan I have for certain today - no drinking. I got some sleep. Today is much improved. The problem will be in a couple days when I get back from a family trip, which I'm anxious enough about, and I'll feel in good health and think that I was just being a big baby about the hangover, and that it's OK to drink again. I just have to break the rhythm.

Hevyn

Hi Matt - be proud of yourself for finding your way back here with new determination. Many wouldv'e kept on going, trying to moderate, getting sicker with every binge. (Like me, at more than twice your age.) Think of all the pain you'll prevent, all the ruined relationships, lost jobs, health issues you won't have to face. Life will be so much better for you without that poison.

ADayAtATime

Welcome, You are in good hands here...Lots of support and wonderful people.
Keep coming back and talking to us.
XOXO

CarolD

Good to know your checking with your doctor

I also strongly suggest you do the same with AA.
Check out some meetings...just go listen.
It's been an awesome adventure in sober living for me.
I sincerely hope you will consider something new this time.

Welcome back to our recovery community Matt...