Jomey

HI guys, I haven't posted in a while, because I have feel like I haven't got anything positive to say. I had such a bad night with panic and anxiety last night, I just need to be here today. Sorry if it is going to turn out like a rant!

I made my life-changing commimtment on August 13, 2007 to stop drinking. I did relapse for one day in early Oct., so I consider my sobriety date to be Oct. 7, but I think it sheds a different light on my perspective if you know that I have been working on this mostly succesfully since August. For the last three weeks, I have been so depressed, and anxious it is ridiculous.

I am getting through the day, keeping all my commitments, but barely. The serenity feeling I was building up is gone. Part of it is that we joined a new church and now I don't see my pastor any more for councelling. I started with a new councellor, but he doesn't know me like my pastor did, so we have a lot of ground to "re-cover" before we start moving forward. Also, I tend to get depressed when the days get cold and gray, and that is definitely happening here.

I work on a farm, and the long, warm, sunny days of fall, out under the bright blue sky with the animals I love was really keeping my spirits high. Now, I feel like when I get to the barn in the morning, and I'm freezing, I barely just get my work done and I want to go home. Boring and depressing.

All my kids are involved in winter sports, so that "carnival" of practices, games, rushing here and there after school starts this week and I dread it.

Lastly, I am having trouble with my AA group. Thinking about going to AA meetings is the only thing that actually gives me cravings! I know my attitude stinks right now, and I am going to the meetings with my "armor" on, and feeling resentful towards some of the other women. I can't seem to break out of that way of thinking. I have a temp. sponsor and it is not working out. She is very directive, and right now I feel like I need to be in a more nuturing relationship and we can't seem to find a balance.

I can't even really feel any pride in what I have done as far as my sobriety. I don't want to drink, but I do want to feel better.

Sorry if this is a big "pity party" - I can only imagine that this it what it must sound like. I just can't handle any more "butt kicking" advice like the stuff that I have gotten at AA, like "Come on Jomey, snap out of it. You're sober, you're doing it, get on with it." If it were that easy, I would be doing it! I have an appt. with my doctor in early January for a check up, but I am hoping that some one can give me some positive, concrete advice on this in the meantime. I am hoping and praying to stay off anti-d's and anxiety meds. b/c I want to live totally "clean" if I can (just a personal thing that seems important to me.)

I have gone to church every day and asked HP to help with this. I ask HP 500 times a day to help me see how to "snap out of it". No progress yet. I feel His Love, but I am not yet hearing His answer.

Sorry again for the big ole vent. Hope it doesn't get any one else down. :comfort

RK2007

I don't know what to say to help you feel better , but I hope it gets better for you soon...

If it makes any difference, just from reading what you have typed there it sounds like you are doing fantastic on the sobriety front - so definitely stick at it...

What I try to do is remind myself of how desperately lost I feel when I'm drinking and trapped in a loop of drinking - sometimes it's hard to remember because my mind likes playing tricks on me, especially when I'm doing well...

All the best and my thoughts are with you... :comfort

parentrecovers

sorry you're feeling down, jomey. support to you, and vent away...hugs, k

SaTiT

well sometimes my HP and a sense of humor.
My HP tells me what i don't wana hear.lol

I feel the same when the days are gray and over cast.
It overcast today, so i know I just have the blues...
and it's okay to have the blues, i just don't judge myself.

I think a lot of it was also i expected too much out of recovery
,out of AA, out of myself. yeap, i hate those stage when everything
seems dull and it feels like I'm going to jump out of my skins at times.
That's when I keep the faith or practice faith. So maybe that's the lesson
I was suppost to learn. And i just hate it when people tell me..
" you're exactly where you're suppost to be"..gosh i just hate that,
becuase my skin really, really wanna crawl in those moments too.lol
i guess so...don't pick up no matter what.

Congrats on your recovery..I didn't take myself too seriousely
when i first got sober..becuase i knew i wasn't thinking or feeling
to well. I don't take myself too seriouse now. lol

anyways..I know what you're saying about keeping my spirit high.
And I needed that. But i have to be careful..if I keep it high all the
time and if i feel a low..then i think there's something wrong with me.
There's nothing wrong with feeling a low...it's thinking there's something
wrong when I feel a low that gets me into a tail spin.

it's okay to feel like crap sometimes. Kind of like music...
high notes, low notes, and the in between notes.
Makes for a beautiful melody or song.
i don't know...some people thinks music is an expession of life.

you know that verse in the bible..
there's a time for everything.
a time to laugh, a time to cry..etc

Astro

Hi Jomey, I've missed your posts here, "Thanks Thanks" for sharing your thoughts;-)

I'm not sure what to say either that'd make you feel better. It sounds like life on life's terms, and what I've learned about that is that the universe keeps moving regardless of whether I'm sober and happy or not, so I have the choice of moving along with it or being stuck in my own misery.

I hope you continue to pray and listen for God's answer. Sometimes the answer is so obvious, yet so small and quiet that I miss it. But I've come to know very recently that I can't run and escape God's grace, sooner or later it's staring me in the face.

It takes time, but life does get better in sobriety. It took over two years for me to start truly feeling how God wraps me in his arms every day, I'm glad I stuck it out and waited for the miracle to happen.

Scott

wiscgirl30

Sorry you are feeling frustrated and down. Have you tried maybe talking to your doctor about maybe some sort of antidepressant medication? Some people have "seasonal affective disorder" where they are depressed during the colder months. Maybe this is what is up with you?

Debaucher

Jomey... I found that I had a down period at around 30,60,90, 180... and around 270...

I also have noticed that my emotions ebb and flow... they go up and down... I just believe I will feel better... and try not to let my down feelings pull me farther down. For me it took about 90 days before things really started leveling out... and after 60 days of sobriety I felt much better...


Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Justme57

Hi Jomey , my name is Leigh
I so remember feeling exactly as you do right now! I even had a "directive " sponser! LOL
I have found, for me , that every time I have felt as you do, i have had a "growth" i my recovery journey. I can never see it at the time, but only once it has passed, and I look back.

My sponser told me , to write down what I was feeling, and give it a name . Then she told me to "allow" myself to feel it for 30 mins. i was so numb and emotionless when i first got sober, that i couldnt even name what I felt, so this helped me enormously .

She also, of course told me , " this too will pass" , I got so sick of hearing that, but she was right ! makes me smile now, and I use it a lot myself .

I found it helpful just to go with the flow, and keep my heart open to change , cos inevitably , that's what usually followed

hang in there you are doinfg a great job 1

HUGX
leigh

Dee74

Hi Jomey,
I was wondering how you were

don't worry...a lot of this is very normal PAWS type stuff...ebb and flow as we adjust to 'reality'

but I would look at the sponsor thing - I'm not in AA, but seems to be you have to have a sponsor you can work with ? Same goes for the meetings IMO.

and...I find...eventually and invariably...I was getting the answers, I was just too messed up or too focused on what I *thought* was the answer to listen
we humans are funny like that LOL

love ya
thinking of you

D

Rowan

The only solid, concrete advice I could give you, Jomey, based on my own experience, is that 'this too shall pass'. Early sobriety (and beyond) can be difficult as we begin to live life without our main coping mechanism (alcohol or other drugs).

BTW I was told many times by my father to 'snap out of it' growing up, and it turns out I was depressed. I couldn't snap out of it on my own, and needed meds to help pull me through. I didn't see any point in being a martyr, and suffering needlessly.

You're doing great, and I'm proud of you.

Jomey

Thanks for all the encouragement guys. I feel a lot better just reading through these posts. I was so messed up with drinking for so long that I guess I forgot how to feel. I think you are correct, Wiscgirl, that I might have that seasonal depression going on. And I liked what you said, Rowan, about not being a martyr and using meds if I need to. For right now, I am not going to jump to that conclusion, because, like almost all of you said in wonderfully, beautiful different ways, this is life. I want to give myself a chance to cope with it before I decide to try meds. But I will most definitiely keep the "martyr" thing in mind. That's very important, I think.

Dee and Scott - you are both so dead on about how I sometimes "listen" - I am too confused about just learning to live sober, and too focused on what I think the answers should be or what I want it to be, that I don't hear the real answer coming from HP. What would I do without you guys! Love ya both!

I do have to give a lot of thought to the AA thing...maybe time to try another group or at least another sponsor.

Thanks for listening guys. I need to stay closer to y'all. Hugs

1963comet

Hope you feel better.

Jomey

Better day today guys....it is 60 degrees and sunny here - very very unusual for November ....it is almost like HP is saying, "hey couldn't you hear Me speaking through your friends at SR saying "this too shall pass"?? Obviously not, so I will hit you over the head with a 60 degree day in November to say "I love you and winter is followed by the rebirth of spring" - literally and figuratively!"

Couldn't get louder or clearer than that, could it!?! Thanks for helping me keep my chin up guys - gonna get out and enjoy the day - talk with you later! Hugs

Aysha

Jomey...You have such a bright light from your soul that you extend here.
We all have days. But you will get past it.
I am at the library so cant read every responce. But know I am here for you and rootin for you. Much love..Trish

Tazman53

Jomey hon first thing to do is sit down with your sponsor and let her know how you feel, it may be that she thought what she was doing may have been what you needed. Beleive it or not, sponsors are not perfect, far from it, we need to learn as well, some sponsees respond to kid gloves, with others it takes hard ball. We are all different.

Glad to hear your HP gave you a lift up with some sunshine. Yes as infuriating as it is to hear at the worst of times..... "This too shall pass." is so very true but hard to appreciate when it seems as though the world is collapsing around us.