I should have surrendered a long time ago
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
I should have surrendered a long time ago
30 years now I have been struggling with drugs and alcohol. The past 3 years is when it finally caught up with me. Physically, emotionally, financially, and legally.
13 charges in 3 years all for coke or paraphanelia relating to coke.
Even with all my troubles I wasnt willing to stop I just kept trying to manipuilate everything and everyone in order to keep using. I didnt want to go to counseling I didnt want to go to meetings. I knew I had to stop, but I didnt really want to or maybe I just didnt know where to start. Whatever it was I couldnt seperate myself from that stuoid pipe.
Everyone here kept telling me to surrender all the books I read and the people I spoke to said the same thing, but I just wasnt getting it. 2 months ago (68 days two be exact) i decided no more. With all the legal crap in front of me I decided to stop worrying and just do the right thing. I convinced mysel if I stopped using and put some trust in a higher power things would work out. I really believed it.
I finally had some true faith.
I did the whole bargaining thing asking God to please let this all go away and I promised I would stay clean. That promise has been made before, but I never kept up my end of the bargain. I Always went back to using.
For the past 2 months I have spent half of my time struggling with staying clean and the other half praying. I decided it is time to try and let some of the burden go, have faith that their is something greater than me that will help if I ask and believe.
What a sense of relief that has come over me I actually sleep at night sometimes now. Through that relief everything got easier. I kept telling myself keep doing the right thing and everything will work out. Dont give up.
I kept believing, didnt use, didnt give up, and today in court even though the future wasnt looking very bright everything worked out. Not because of any help from the public defender that is for sure, but thats another story. iF i had let the lawer handle the mess I would have been in trouble. Instaed I spoke up. Normally I wouldnt have the balls to do what I did today, but I got the strength from somewhere.
I dont know where I am going with all this, except to say I am so grateful I finally stopped fighting and surrendered instead.
I have officially put up my white flag, I surrender.
13 charges in 3 years all for coke or paraphanelia relating to coke.
Even with all my troubles I wasnt willing to stop I just kept trying to manipuilate everything and everyone in order to keep using. I didnt want to go to counseling I didnt want to go to meetings. I knew I had to stop, but I didnt really want to or maybe I just didnt know where to start. Whatever it was I couldnt seperate myself from that stuoid pipe.
Everyone here kept telling me to surrender all the books I read and the people I spoke to said the same thing, but I just wasnt getting it. 2 months ago (68 days two be exact) i decided no more. With all the legal crap in front of me I decided to stop worrying and just do the right thing. I convinced mysel if I stopped using and put some trust in a higher power things would work out. I really believed it.
I finally had some true faith.
I did the whole bargaining thing asking God to please let this all go away and I promised I would stay clean. That promise has been made before, but I never kept up my end of the bargain. I Always went back to using.
For the past 2 months I have spent half of my time struggling with staying clean and the other half praying. I decided it is time to try and let some of the burden go, have faith that their is something greater than me that will help if I ask and believe.
What a sense of relief that has come over me I actually sleep at night sometimes now. Through that relief everything got easier. I kept telling myself keep doing the right thing and everything will work out. Dont give up.
I kept believing, didnt use, didnt give up, and today in court even though the future wasnt looking very bright everything worked out. Not because of any help from the public defender that is for sure, but thats another story. iF i had let the lawer handle the mess I would have been in trouble. Instaed I spoke up. Normally I wouldnt have the balls to do what I did today, but I got the strength from somewhere.
I dont know where I am going with all this, except to say I am so grateful I finally stopped fighting and surrendered instead.
I have officially put up my white flag, I surrender.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,498
Hi Beth,
That's a really great post!
Recovery brought me to a very spiritual place too. Having faith is the hardest thing to do when you've been used and abused by your parents. I had given up that god was ever to hear me and I had closed the door. But, when I started recovery, I knew I had to find the spiritual part of me again and to believe and have faith. It's not always easy, but it does work.
I am glad you spoke up for yourself today. That's something else I have learned in recovery. I am worth fighting for and so are you!
That's a really great post!
Recovery brought me to a very spiritual place too. Having faith is the hardest thing to do when you've been used and abused by your parents. I had given up that god was ever to hear me and I had closed the door. But, when I started recovery, I knew I had to find the spiritual part of me again and to believe and have faith. It's not always easy, but it does work.
I am glad you spoke up for yourself today. That's something else I have learned in recovery. I am worth fighting for and so are you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Hi Beth...
Congrats on your sober time...
I understand about your legal issues...I also spoke up during a court session...I accepted rsponsibilty for the charge, (DUI)...I believe the court saw my honesty and regret and gave me a lighter sentence...It was my first offense.
It is all about surrendering...:morning
Congrats on your sober time...
I understand about your legal issues...I also spoke up during a court session...I accepted rsponsibilty for the charge, (DUI)...I believe the court saw my honesty and regret and gave me a lighter sentence...It was my first offense.
It is all about surrendering...:morning
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
This feeling of hope and faith leaves me some time to work on getting better instead of worrying about all the things I did and the consequences I will eventually have to face I confess, now its time to move on. Whatever is going to happen will happen. There isnt much I can do to change my past.
my new found belief..............if I can just keep on the right track, make the right choices and dont use, whatever force or whoever is out there and in charge will help me if I ask.
Now if i could just get rid of the anxiety.
my new found belief..............if I can just keep on the right track, make the right choices and dont use, whatever force or whoever is out there and in charge will help me if I ask.
Now if i could just get rid of the anxiety.
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
Originally Posted by bfree4u 
my new found belief..............if I can just keep on the right track, make the right choices and dont use, whatever force or whoever is out there and in charge will help me if I ask.
.I can't help with your anxiety except suggest talking to your doctor. Or what I said in your other thread... go for a walk. Clearing you head, fresh air and exercise might be what your body needs right now. That may seem simplistic I know, but give it a try!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,381
Thank's for sharing your story. Back in 2000 I just give up and prayed all the time. After the first year I had times of wanting to use again. So, I prayed to God to take that away also. I am a different person today. And happy that I do not want to get messed up anymore. For me, it did not happen over night. But I never gave up.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
bfree... I haven't read one of your posts in a long time - just haven't been here when you have, I think.
But your post up there is just flat out incredible - especially in light of the struggles you have had.
Please know I am sending prayers to have your anxiety lifted, to stay in the Will of the your Higher Power... and to enjoy being there.
((((loving, gentle hugs))))
But your post up there is just flat out incredible - especially in light of the struggles you have had.
Please know I am sending prayers to have your anxiety lifted, to stay in the Will of the your Higher Power... and to enjoy being there.
((((loving, gentle hugs))))
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Beth..I am sooooooo glad to see you being positive. You are so much better than that life. You have it in you as do we all. Thank you for this post. you give me hope and I am so proud of you. Thinking of you always. love Trish
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
bfree4u what an awesome share, when I was out there it was so hard to realize that by surrendering I could win!!!!
It made no sense, how in the world can one win by surrender, well I guess I could have kept on fighting trying to prove I could control the beast right up until it killed me........ would I have won? Last time I checked dead people are not winners.
Keep doing what you are doing, be proud that you have over come by surrendering, there are not many things that can not be over come by surrender if one really thinks about it and really turns it over.
It made no sense, how in the world can one win by surrender, well I guess I could have kept on fighting trying to prove I could control the beast right up until it killed me........ would I have won? Last time I checked dead people are not winners.
Keep doing what you are doing, be proud that you have over come by surrendering, there are not many things that can not be over come by surrender if one really thinks about it and really turns it over.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
Tazman. It took me a long time to believe in surrendering cause I couldnt understand how you could win if you surrender.
I think I confused surrendering with quitting.
Honestly when I try to intellectualize the idea it still makes no sense to me.
Its just a matter of faith.
I think I confused surrendering with quitting.
Honestly when I try to intellectualize the idea it still makes no sense to me.
Its just a matter of faith.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
