On~Fire

Barb i appreciate what a huge heart you have. If only that could save me id be fine. But im in a decline. Maybe ill make it out maybe ill prolong the inevitable if maybe only for a little while. But at this point i know whats to come. I know whats going to happen to me eventually. Ive been faced with all of this before. But its different this time. Nobody is going to be able to save me. Its just really sad and selfish that i cant get it together. Im not gonna cry about it. Whatever happens, Ill know that it was my own fault and that people reached out to me. Nobody failed me. I just gave up. That really is sad, i never thought i would be the type of person to do that. But somewhere inside of me ive lost all hope. Even beyond just giving up drinking. I have no hope left in my heart that ill ever make it out of this.

Anna

On Fire,

There is always hope, always!

You must not give up.

barb dwyer

where ya at, Fire guy?

Dee74

On Fire....you're here...and posting. You may think you've given up hope, but you haven't....

I should not be here. I know that. But...I am.
there's always hope

D

On~Fire

Didnt think i was going to get to post here anymore but im here for at least today. Sorry folks guess i just am not going to get enough of abusing this old body until its gone. I really am trying to get into an inpatient but i cant find anything for at least 30 days and im not really even here anymore. My brain is fried from all of the alcohol ive been consuming. I was on my way to new york yesterday with a gas card and thats all. I was drunk and had to turn around because those gas stations arent even along the way. Seriously what in the hell is going on with me. Im trying to get inpatient because i know i cant get dry out here. I need to be saved from myself. Knowing this is not enough anymore. All i want to do is drink and drink and drink and its killing my family and i dont want to stay with them because its just to hard too anymore. Im not even thinking straight anymore. Im totally out of controll and people are trying to do their best to help but im at a dead end and i have no where to go except for jail, dead, and homeless. Posting this kind of stuff hurts me. What is there i can do? I dont know how to interact at meetings, people think i look fine and ive been in recovery for years. I dont want to spill my heart out to a bunch of people whove heard it all before. Im ready for this to be over already

Anna

Hi On Fire,

You can go to your dr and talk to him and see what his suggestions are. You can go to AA and just listen and learn, and not worry about interacting at this point. Keep trying to get into an inpatient program. And, don't drink today. Get rid of the alcohol in the house and don't buy anymore. You can keep reading and posting here because there is so much inspiration and hope right here on these boards.

There is hope and you can do this!

RJS

I PM'd you a phone number.
I talked to her, and she'll get someone out to see you. You'll have to choose to take it from here. I've been there. I read your a construction worker, I'm a roofer and when I got to the point you are, 2 years ago, I was working part of the day and going home locking my door in terror. Was rough but I got through it. The guys who come see you will be willing to do whatever necessary, maybe getting you in somewhere, or even just keeping in touch while you get through it. The guys came to talk to me, I had no utilities, no furniture, the place covered with beer cans and sat on the floor drinking. When I slowed down, the DT's came on quick, and sometimes I just couldn't drink fast enough to keep 'em off. Having someone enter the picture who had been there and made it out probably saved my life.
It gets better.

Change4life

Im not sure how much advice I can give, but I can share my experience. When I drank evryday I never experienced anything like what you described, but as I started to get a few clean days here and there when I did drink I started getting really anxious the next day. Nothing seemed real I sort of felt like I was in a comic or something, but it wasnt funny. I felt like the world was on the verge of the apocolypse. I dont really know what it is, but I can tell you, you are probably not losing your mind. Its probably jsut time to quit. I guess after awhile our bodies start screaming for us to stop, im not sure. I hope you start to feel better soon and if I was you I would probably take Annas advice and go talk to a Dr.

Done_With_It

I experienced much of the same thing before quitting meth. I took it as a gut feeling I would be dead soon if I didn't stop. I'm sure I would be if I had not listened, I know I would have been. Please take RJS's advice and make the call.