Hope

I don't want to deal with the people in my life right now. I just want to escape in a big bottle of vodka. I'm so freaking mad at people. First of all, I have a horrible sinus infection which I'm trying to get over with my antibiotics. So my cousin comes over tonight and wants me to go with her somewhere and she didn't even tell me about this until tonight. I'm sick right now so I told her that I didn't feel good and she's mad about it. That's not all though. Another friend of mine wanted me to go have lunch and I told him that it would have to be later next week and he got mad at that too so I said fine how about Monday. I've been sick and I just wasn't able to really be there where they wanted me to be so they are getting mad because I can't be everywhere when I'm sick.

I know people are people but I guess I'm a people pleaser and hate knowing that people are upset with me.

And I just don't know if I want to cope with people or life right now. When I'm angry, I immediately forget why I am staying sober. Anger is a big trigger for me. I get angry, I want to drink.
Well, I have been doing a lot better and I haven't really felt cravings for a while but my frustration level with people right now is high and I just want to go crawl up in a hole with a bottle of liquor and escape from reality for awhile.



But I'm just not the person I want to be when I drink. I want to drink but I don't want to drink.

tanyapmc

Hope says:
But I'm just not the person I want to be when I drink. I want to drink but I don't want to drink.

Wow, I can totally relate to that hope. Hang in there hun. The craving and the obsession will pass. Do something nice for yourself. A hot bath. A manicure. Just something for YOU. You deserve it.

Anna

Hope, you pointed out that anger is clearly a trigger for you. So, you need to find ways of dealing with the inevitable annoyances in life, and getting rid of the things that are causing your anger, as much as possible. A big, big thing for me was to learn to say NO and stick with it. Oprah calls people-pleasing, the 'disease to please' because it is a disease and it will make you sick.

If a friend of mine got mad at me because I was sick, I would remove that person from my life. That is a toxic person, in my opinion. Open yourself to supportive, caring friends and you'll find them.

Hope

I do feel better than I did earlier. I took a bath and went out and played with my dogs for a little bit. I also sit out on the back porch in the breeze and I cried a little bit. I avoided jumping and making a decision that I would later regret such as rushing off and buying a bottle of alcohol and then living with that guilt tomorrow.

I have to evaluate the friendship and people in my life. It seems to be conditional and it's all about what I can do for them. When I'm sick, I'm sick though and I need friends who are compassionate about that and understand. When I'm well, I'll do anything I can to help people but right now I have to take care of myself. If I don't, I'll make myself even sicker.

At least I didn't drink tonight. I thought about it but I kept that off my list of options. It is on my list of things I won't do.

Rowan

Cheryl,

I admire how you can process these events - acknowledge that the thought of drinking is there - and work things through without taking one.
Take good care of yourself and get lots of rest.

nogard

(((((Cheryl)))))))

I have learnt so many times! that its none of my business what others think of me.

Kevin

dave47

Well done for not giving in Hope,make sure you do put yourself first.

Missymae737

Hi Hope,

I am thinking of you...:comfort

Today, I know you will make good decisions about maintaining your sobriety...

:sun:

Anna

Hope, your problem is so familiar to me.

I used to do everything possible to keep 'friends' in my life.

I could never understand why they wouldn't do the same for me.

But, it's about the kind of people I was attracting to me. They were giving me what I was putting out there. I was putting out negative stuff - anger, depression, bad feelings. I had to change me, from the inside out, and then magically, wonderful people began to appear in my life.

Hope, it hurts to go through this, but it will be worth it for you.

Hope

I woke up feeling TONS better. I was so happy this morning. Then I still have to deal with my family. They are still driving me nuts. I need a vacation (no, not an alcohol-induced one). Maybe the bahamas. Yeah. Or Austrailia.

dave47

Glad you are feeling better Hope,i wouldn't mind a holiday but theres no chance of that.I think the problem with people who always put others first is that some people just take them for granted and rely on them 24/7.Time to put your foot down and expain to them that they need to show you a bit of consideration.

Hope

Definitely.

I'm learning to take care of myself.

The best way I love myself is by no longer destroying myself with alcohol.

It took stuff away but I have a chance now for a future.

Hope

I can't actually afford a real vacation right now. I'm broke.

but maybe I can start saving that money that I used to throw away and see how much it adds up.

Impurrfect

Hope -

Glad you are feeling better today. I totally understand the problem with your friends and family - having those issues, myself, and no $$ for a vacation. It's gotten better, though, since everyone here at SR has taught me that it's not up to me to solve their problems and I don't have to get dragged into their drama.

Keep you and your recovery as a priority, and you'll find people who want to be there for you (and NOT just when they want something). Hang in there, you did GREAT by not drinking and coming here.

Hugs and prayers!!

Amy

teej

ITA!!!

I'm proud of you sweetie! You came here first, instead of the bottle. I wish I would have done that. You inspire me and you always have!
Hugs!

Hope

Hang in there tj.. you know I'm always here for you girl!!! Always.

I just got home from a meeting. A couple people I used to drink with came by here and then they left together but I didn't go with them, I went to a meeting instead. It was hard. I didn't want to go but I did anyway. I started wanting a drink really bad earlier tonight but the meeting helped.