Hi...little help?
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: merigold, mississippi
Posts: 1
Hi...little help?
So, finally hit rock bottom today and scared to death of being alone. I've been sober since 2005, but I can't seems to shake this compulsive chronic lying problem. I've been with my husband since I was 20 and he was 16 (I'm 32 and he's 28 now), we have three beautiful children, 7, 5 and 3. After too many second chances to count, I think he's ready to throw in the towel this time. And I can't say I blame him. After four years in school and staying with the kids, he's begun a very high stress job as an emt in a town that's highest in crime in our state - and he works night shift 7 on and 7 off. I, on the other hand, was laid off in February of this year after three years at a steady and well-paying job. I returned to my job in the middle of August (2 days after my first and only arrest ever-for shoplifting) and was laid off again last week. Of course, there is never an excuse for lying, and to top it off, this time I tried to get my 3 year old baby girl to lie with me. My only reason was to keep him from being mad that I didn't take her to the doctor today like I said I was going to. And the bad thing is, it wasn't because I was just too lazy or irresponsible to take her. Her pediatrician wasn't in, and I didn't trust the pediatrician filling in, so I made her an appointment for tomorrow. Rather than explain this to my hubby (who would've been mad for me not taking her, but would've gotten over it) I decided to not only lie but get baby girl to lie as well. My 3 year old, being way smarter than me and possessing far better character than I, chose not to lie. I found this site by accident, but I'm really hoping maybe I've found a place to get a little perspective. Rather than being afraid of being all alone, now I truly am and I am completely lost. My husband and my kids are my life, and I don't know that I can survive without that constant in my life. I (and my husband more than me) just cannot understand how knowing this is my whole world in a nutshell, how do I keep screwing that up - and pushing him further and further away? I'm at rock bottom and I need to find a way back up. Any help?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Hi Bellamia,
Welcome!
I think that something I used to do was to seek out drama. If things were calm and quiet, I would be looking for something (good or bad) to give me an adrenaline rush. I can also relate to the lying issue. I used to do that too. For me, I learned to lie when I learned to walk and talk. I knew instinctively it was necessary for my survival in my home. The thing was, I would also lie about inconsequential things and I didn't even realize I was doing it. That was a big change I made in recovery. I needed to be honest with myself first and then with people around me. It was hard to do and sometimes, in stressful situations, I still think like that. But, I think, bottom line, it is about loving yourself. You won't lie if you love yourself.
Welcome!
I think that something I used to do was to seek out drama. If things were calm and quiet, I would be looking for something (good or bad) to give me an adrenaline rush. I can also relate to the lying issue. I used to do that too. For me, I learned to lie when I learned to walk and talk. I knew instinctively it was necessary for my survival in my home. The thing was, I would also lie about inconsequential things and I didn't even realize I was doing it. That was a big change I made in recovery. I needed to be honest with myself first and then with people around me. It was hard to do and sometimes, in stressful situations, I still think like that. But, I think, bottom line, it is about loving yourself. You won't lie if you love yourself.
Coffee Drinker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lobstah Land
Posts: 1,122
Well,
You've been sober since 2005. Thats super!
If you're in AA and have a sponsor, it might be an excellent idea to revisit steps 4 and 5 to figure out what's really going on.
Just a thought...
You've been sober since 2005. Thats super!
If you're in AA and have a sponsor, it might be an excellent idea to revisit steps 4 and 5 to figure out what's really going on.
Just a thought...
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR!
Good job on your sober years!
I too lied a lot for drama and to make my life more interesting.
A huge part of my AA recovery was to quit fantasizing.
Will your marriage work out? Will you get another job?
Who knows the future?
BTW....with 3 small children
it will be many years before you are "all alone"
Blessings to you and your family
Good job on your sober years!I too lied a lot for drama and to make my life more interesting.
A huge part of my AA recovery was to quit fantasizing.
Will your marriage work out? Will you get another job?
Who knows the future?
BTW....with 3 small childrenit will be many years before you are "all alone"
Blessings to you and your family
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: CA
Posts: 302
hi bellamia - thats awesome that you've been sober for so long. keep it up and let us know how you're doing i will go with what Groucho asked about AA....are you going now or were you in the past???
Stay strong!
i will go with what Groucho asked about AA....are you going now or were you in the past??? Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: MN
Posts: 139
Bellamia: Wonderful to hear about your sober time!! Working on the issues we have is probably one of the main goals there are. I know I tend to lie about stupid stuff too! I also have a dislike and fear of authority figures. I REALLY need to start working on these things if I am going to have a chance of staying sober. If nothing changes....then nothing changes!!! Keep us posted!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR Bellamia and congrats on 5 years without a drink. I have a little over a year and I can tell you that I would have never got sober or stayed sober without being brutally honest as Anna said beoth with myself and others.
Part of my drinking was lying, I lived a lie most of my life, sometimes I found myself lying just to lie, most of the time though it was either to deny a problem or to simply delay or avoid one.
Life is so much easier I have found since I quit lying, by always telling the truth I never have to remember what I told someone because as long as I did not lie I will never get caught in one because I forgot a lie I told someone.
The truth may hurt some times, but it will always set you free.
Part of my sobriety is change, in order to stay sober I have had to change, because drinking or not, I was a drunk, I have changed, I am no longer a drunk, as a result of my changing I no longer have the desire to drink.
Change I must, or die I will!
I changed through the 12 steps of AA myself, there are many other ways to change, keep looking for a way to change until you find one that works for you.
Part of my drinking was lying, I lived a lie most of my life, sometimes I found myself lying just to lie, most of the time though it was either to deny a problem or to simply delay or avoid one.
Life is so much easier I have found since I quit lying, by always telling the truth I never have to remember what I told someone because as long as I did not lie I will never get caught in one because I forgot a lie I told someone.
The truth may hurt some times, but it will always set you free.
Part of my sobriety is change, in order to stay sober I have had to change, because drinking or not, I was a drunk, I have changed, I am no longer a drunk, as a result of my changing I no longer have the desire to drink.
Change I must, or die I will!
I changed through the 12 steps of AA myself, there are many other ways to change, keep looking for a way to change until you find one that works for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 65
Congratulations on the sobriety! I think lying goes hand in hand with being alcoholic. I know I lied or mislead my wife on how much I drank or what I was doing all the time. Perhaps it was more out of habit than anything else. Letting go of the lying should be helpful.
The truth will set you free.
The truth will set you free.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by 51anna 
Hi Bellamia,
Welcome!
I think that something I used to do was to seek out drama. If things were calm and quiet, I would be looking for something (good or bad) to give me an adrenaline rush. I can also relate to the lying issue. I used to do that too. For me, I learned to lie when I learned to walk and talk. I knew instinctively it was necessary for my survival in my home. The thing was, I would also lie about inconsequential things and I didn't even realize I was doing it. That was a big change I made in recovery. I needed to be honest with myself first and then with people around me. It was hard to do and sometimes, in stressful situations, I still think like that. But, I think, bottom line, it is about loving yourself. You won't lie if you love yourself.
Welcome!
I think that something I used to do was to seek out drama. If things were calm and quiet, I would be looking for something (good or bad) to give me an adrenaline rush. I can also relate to the lying issue. I used to do that too. For me, I learned to lie when I learned to walk and talk. I knew instinctively it was necessary for my survival in my home. The thing was, I would also lie about inconsequential things and I didn't even realize I was doing it. That was a big change I made in recovery. I needed to be honest with myself first and then with people around me. It was hard to do and sometimes, in stressful situations, I still think like that. But, I think, bottom line, it is about loving yourself. You won't lie if you love yourself.
Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us! You will find a lot of support here!
I can relate to what Anna stated above and I'am not an A- but rather a codie-
The lying use to be an issue for me as well-it was totally a "Survival tool" growing up in my alcoholic home-(A parents, and 3 A brothers and an addict brother)
When I found being honest with myself made things a lot more mangeable around me, I was able to be honest with others! There was no more reason to be in fear of what I felt-
It was a learning expierence for me and one that took a lot of work-but well worth it-loving myself and being honest with myself has allowed me to have a much smoother manageable life!
I wish you the same....keep posting!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,930
I lied to myself for years, refusing to accept the unacceptable peson I'd become. Be happy with yourself on your sober time a loving husband and three children...reassert your self esteem and love yourself unconditionally, it's hard at first, when it happens and it will it's the best rush in the world. Welcome to SR, I don't want to forget to say that.
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