kissmeimamie

I'm a recovering heroin addict, been sober for about 3 months, maybe 4. As far as my recovery goes I feel great. I don't think about getting high at all anymore, I'm starting to re-discover who I was before the drugs, and becoming a more spiritual person as well. My biggest problem in my recovery is my boyfriend. I was an addict when we got together but kept it from him for the first few months of our relationship. He stayed by me while I struggled through relapses and hard times. I lied to him many times so I could get high, I hurt him over and over. Now that I am clean and feel like a different person I want to be treated like a different person, but to him I'm still just an addict. I'm someone who will lie, manipulate, and hurt him. I understand that it takes time to forgive, but how much time? To me it's been months and I'm not the same person anymore, but to him it's all too fresh. To make matters worse he is just now finding out about stuff that happened a year ago. My question is this- how long do I wait for him to forgive me, to trust me to leave the house again, to trust me with money again? Almost every fight we get in he goes back to "you did this and it hurt me, I can't trust you". I know I have to accept responsibility for my actions but how long do I have to hear about it? If anyone knows a website or online support group for families of recovered addicts let me know that too. Thanks so much.


:praying

Anna

Hi,

I do understand what you are saying. I think early recovery brings about profound changes in us and we feel like we are rediscovering ourselves and our lives. But, as you said, for the family members, it's not the same. Of course no one can tell you how long it will take. It is possible that the forgiveness and acceptance you want and need will never come. It is possible that it will come with time and patience. So, are you willing to wait?

There are two great forums on this message board for Families and Friends. Just scroll down the main page and you'll find them.

Rowan

Hi,

I agree with Anna. I just wanted to welcome you here. Well done on getting clean!
I'm glad you found us.

Lizrox

i've been clean for almost 6 months and my husband has begun to trust me again. When I first got out of rehab there was no trust whatsoever; I had to earn it back.

kissmeimamie

thanks for your thoughts. I know it takes time to earn back trust, but when does it stop becoming an everyday conversation? I tell him all the time how sorry I am and thankful that he has been so forgiving, is it too much to ask that we move forward in our relationship and our lives? How will he ever trust me if I'm not allowed out of the house?
I guess it's frustrating for me because I'm so proud of myself, and I want him to be too. But he acts like I haven't changed at all. Can anyone relate, or am I being unrealistic and impatient?

:praying

Anna

I am sorry for your frustration and your post makes me wonder if you are getting to a point where you will not want to accept your boyfriend's negativity. The main thing is for you to stay sober and move forward in recovery. This may be with or without your boyfriend, but you will be sober. Another thing is that it's really hard for other people to understand how hard it is to get and stay sober. My family was so frustrated with me by the time I stopped drinking, they just wanted me to stop drinking and didn't want to talk about it at all. I was on my own and it was up to me to prove myself. That's one of the reasons I come here - others here understand.

rloomer

I can totally relate to you I met my fiance at a night club and we've split up a few times and she took me back and I did the same stuff I always did, the lies, the sneaking. You have more sobriety than I but I do know that it's going to take me not just staying sober, but living differently and looking differently.

I know that drugs and alcohol change the way we act and look and until we show those changes change back to the way they were before the addiction took over our body and minds, it seems in my case that she looks at me the same as she does when I'm drunk.

It's going to probably take me 6 months before those changes are going to be noticeable. Will she be there in 6 months? I don't know. It's not what's important. If I start forcing those changes without doing them for me, I'll be drunk and high in an hour.

I know he means a lot to you, but you should mean more.

kissmeimamie

you guys are so great to help people the way that you do. I totally appreciate it, even if its not necessarily what I wanted to hear. thanks again.


:praying

Pinkcuda

Toss it up in the air and let God deal with it. That way you have one thing less on your mind and have more time to focus onyourself and your recovery. When we want a certain response or behavior from someone else we tend to overlook one small thing. We have no control. We are powerless to manipulate someone elses thoughts and actions. As a recovering Heroine addict you're lucky to be alive. Be thankful for that. You do your job of dealing with your sobriety and let God do his job of dealing with your Boyfriend. Really, take care of you first! the rest will come.

SaTiT

Time alone will not heal your BF.
I know as recoverying addicts we did a lot of damage and we should
clean our side of the street.

However, I'm also codependent, becuase I'm ACOA.
Bascailly i learned both behaviors as a child of both of my parents.

The truth is I was codependent long before I met my gf.
And I'm only attracted to a person that's about as sick as i am.
As a codependent I'm also the master of denial.
Well...you know, I'm not the bad guy and I'll play a victim role.
It's eaier for me to piont fingers instead of taking care of myself
or it's easier to enable or take care of someone else instead of working on myself.

I find it hard to belive that you're BF didn't know you were
sick in someway and he got envolve with you when you were
using drugs or heroine. So who's the sicker person... the addict
or the person that's attracted to the addict and hang around ?

I'm not trying to be mean. it's just my experince with the madness
of addiction or alcoholism.

If you and your BF deem your relationship is worth savaging
or worth having. You both need recovery.

Al-anon was formed becuase after a while the founders ..notice
it was unfair for the alki to have recovery while thier family members
were still lived in the sickness.

If one gets well and the other dosn't , you well split like oil and water.
It dosn't matter if it's the addict or the codi.
As i say, you're only attracted to someone that's about as sick or
as well as you are.

It hard for a codi like me to hear these words...
but my gf will not escape from a prison of addiction or alcoholism
only to be another prisoner of my love.

indigo

Welcome to SR, yes it takes time for others to think that we really will stay clean, though with some people they try to forgive and forget, the thought still lingers...I think you are doing just fine in getting clean, keep talking about it...mainly though you have to take care of you.

hugs

kissmeimamie

it hurts too because other people are telling him that addicts never change and should never be trusted again. Have these people never heard of recovery? Am I the only good example in the world? He has said many times that addiction will never end well for the addict, but what about those of us who have recovered and are better people because of it? How do I make him see what is so obvious to me- that I AM a different person now?

:praying

Missymae737

Hi,

There are some people that no matter how much a person has changed, will always carry mistrust...A persons past can be forgiven but never forgotton. Sadly, some relationships can't survive under these circumstances...

The important issue is your sobriety...You should be very proud of yourself...

My favorite saying?

If it is meant to be , it WILL be...

Wishing you all the best in your recovery...:ghug2

shemp

I totally understand what you are going through. I lost a my wife and then a girlfriend over my abuse of alchol. It took along time for my ex-wife to forgive me and my exgirlfriend still hasnt. I cant tell you how long it will take the only advice I can give you is take it one day at a time and keep staying clean. Let it go to your HP hands and everything will work out.

parentrecovers

be patient, kissme. we all need time to recover.

signed, mom of an alcoholic/addict...

hairgirl

It could take as long as you used.It is unfortunate but we sometimes wait allot longer than we think we should for things, especially when emotions are involved.My suggestion is to pray to your higher power,and be patient.Love and forgiveness have no concept of time.

Anna

This is why I think it such a positive thing when people in the public eye step up and talk about their addiction and show, by their good example, what we can do. People like Drew Barrymore, Robert Downey Jr., Mary Tyler Moore and countless others, who step up and say, this is what a recovering addict looks like.