It has now been 125 days and I still want to use!
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 10
Those ultrasounds can be stressfull. My mother had ovarian cancer. I've had to go several times, just to be sure that I don't have the same. The OBGYN always scheduled me during prime time. The first.... I didn't drink enough water. The second....I drank gallons.. I laugh now, because the woman said I had too much fluid and had to get rid of some!!! I said to her that was a flood gate waiting to happen!!! What an experience. Try and get rid of fluid and not start all over again.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Our house.
Posts: 816
Many years ago i did the same as you. I found out i was pregnant and cleaned up because i simply didnt know what else to do.
It was a real bleak time. I didnt want to be pregnant, it was just something that happened when i was in a haze and when i woke up and realised what was going on it was just to damn late to change it. I was resentful (i didnt want a baby), i felt that i had lost all my rights (my rights to drink and use myself to death if thats what i wanted to do) and i was sick of people telling me to think about the baby. I didnt care about myself, let alone some unknown baby growing in my tummy. It was really awful. All that anger and truth was i was just so very, very scared. I didnt know how i was going to live straight and i didnt want any of it. No wonder i wanted to use with all that going on.
Actually i did end up using again right near the end of my pregnancy. And then a girlfriend that i hadnt seen for many years came along and took me in. She took me out of my home and into hers. Luckily she came along and did that before i developed a full blown habit again. Then i ruined her new futon by going into labour on it.
But the thing was that breaking the isolation really turned things around for me. I was still miserable but it wasnt so bad. And then when i had my son it was ok.
It is a lot to deal with being both in early recovery and pregnant i know. I am so glad you are posting on here.
Warm Regards
Evanna.
It was a real bleak time. I didnt want to be pregnant, it was just something that happened when i was in a haze and when i woke up and realised what was going on it was just to damn late to change it. I was resentful (i didnt want a baby), i felt that i had lost all my rights (my rights to drink and use myself to death if thats what i wanted to do) and i was sick of people telling me to think about the baby. I didnt care about myself, let alone some unknown baby growing in my tummy. It was really awful. All that anger and truth was i was just so very, very scared. I didnt know how i was going to live straight and i didnt want any of it. No wonder i wanted to use with all that going on.
Actually i did end up using again right near the end of my pregnancy. And then a girlfriend that i hadnt seen for many years came along and took me in. She took me out of my home and into hers. Luckily she came along and did that before i developed a full blown habit again. Then i ruined her new futon by going into labour on it.
But the thing was that breaking the isolation really turned things around for me. I was still miserable but it wasnt so bad. And then when i had my son it was ok.
It is a lot to deal with being both in early recovery and pregnant i know. I am so glad you are posting on here.
Warm Regards
Evanna.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Thank You all so much for your posts, Evanna.........you hit closer than you will ever know!!!! He was a one night stand who went into rehab came back to make amends and one thing led to another one night stand we are both in the program and he wants nothing to do with having a baby so I am in this on my own! I will do it, even though I know I didn't ever want this child and I know My HP will make the decisions where this is concerned...... I am in the 2 year of a 5 year program studying for my Masters degree, I work for GM and had to give all of that up, I am out on a medical right now and so damn resentful........everyday I end up restenting P more and more because he thinks he is the only one whoes life this has messed up......still considering adoption but so damn sure about everything!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Pamm,
I stopped drinking and using during both of my pregnancies, the first of which was unexpected and hastened my rush to the altar. The marriage ended when my youngest was only a year old. I went on to raise my daughters, both of them lovely girls who are now 15 and 12. What blessings they are.
But I know a girl who recently celebrated 5 years of sobriety. She's a lovely girl who happened to drink heavily throughout her pregnancy. Her son is now 16 and has FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) - he's got the classic features of an FAS child, and he has had many health and social problems because of it. He was recently treated successfully for throat cancer (although I don't know anything about FAS cancer statistics and whether they can be attributed to this). Regardless of whether we meant to get pregnant, it's our responsibility as mothers to keep those young innocent lives as such - they are powerless over what we put into our bodies, and we are suppose to nourish them.
I couldn't stop drinking for ME, but I could do it for the babies. It still took me years to find recovery. Blessings to you Pamm, I know this is hard, but you can do this.
I stopped drinking and using during both of my pregnancies, the first of which was unexpected and hastened my rush to the altar. The marriage ended when my youngest was only a year old. I went on to raise my daughters, both of them lovely girls who are now 15 and 12. What blessings they are.
But I know a girl who recently celebrated 5 years of sobriety. She's a lovely girl who happened to drink heavily throughout her pregnancy. Her son is now 16 and has FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) - he's got the classic features of an FAS child, and he has had many health and social problems because of it. He was recently treated successfully for throat cancer (although I don't know anything about FAS cancer statistics and whether they can be attributed to this). Regardless of whether we meant to get pregnant, it's our responsibility as mothers to keep those young innocent lives as such - they are powerless over what we put into our bodies, and we are suppose to nourish them.
I couldn't stop drinking for ME, but I could do it for the babies. It still took me years to find recovery. Blessings to you Pamm, I know this is hard, but you can do this.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Our house.
Posts: 816
Originally Posted by WLDKATZ 
Thank You all so much for your posts, Evanna.........you hit closer than you will ever know!!!! He was a one night stand who went into rehab came back to make amends and one thing led to another one night stand we are both in the program and he wants nothing to do with having a baby so I am in this on my own! I will do it, even though I know I didn't ever want this child and I know My HP will make the decisions where this is concerned...... I am in the 2 year of a 5 year program studying for my Masters degree, I work for GM and had to give all of that up, I am out on a medical right now and so damn resentful........everyday I end up restenting P more and more because he thinks he is the only one whoes life this has messed up......still considering adoption but so damn sure about everything!!!!!!!!
Funny thing was though when i had my son it wasnt anywhere near as bad as i had anticipated. Once i broke through my isolation towards the end of my pregnancy i found that there were a lot of people willing to support me and i began to enjoy life clean. My life wasnt stolen at all when baby was born. I was still able to do all the things i did before it just took a little more planning sometimes was all. I went to university when my son was still a baby. He went into the university creche each day. I graduated 3yrs later with a 1st class degree and the prize for academic achievement in my graduating year.
Back then when i was pregnant i desperately wanted it all to go away. Now i wouldnt change it. Would never have believed that back then though.
Thinking of you today.
Warmest wishes
Evanna.
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
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Katz I've only just seen this thread and I'm sorry that you are going through all this on your own. Keep posting, I love all the fun threads you do and I'm sure you're helping others so very much. Now it's your turn to seek help from us and we're all here to understand and walk with you. Holding you in my heart.
hugs indie
hugs indie
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
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Thank You Indi now I am bawling like a baby..........I am trying!!I KNOW BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT I WILL NOT USE. I cannot do that to a baby, P is begging me to get an abortion hell even some of my Drs are recommending it, I just can't. The Good Lord did this for a reason, maybe it was because I had issues in MY LIFE which I needed to deal with and the drugs and alcohol were just masking those, I don't know. All I know is I am tired. I know at the end it will all be worth it I just wish I had that drink and it makes me feel HORRID! Because I want something so badly that hurts me so badly and could possiably hurt my child.......It is that stinking thinking that is destroying my thought process.......I want it to be about ME, not just because of the Baby. Like you said Ro Ro You did it for your babies.......I want to do this for me, I may not be the person that I WANT to be but I know without the drugs and drinking I AM A BETTER PERSON.............GERRRRRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHHHH I hate emotional days!!!!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Originally Posted by scaredykat
Katz, thinking of you today. I hope your feeling better. :hugs: for you.
Barb
Barb
Now thats a scardykat..................lol
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
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Originally Posted by gypsy tears
Katz I'm only now just reading this thread and wanted to send you a 
. Keep posting, venting, laughing, crying, helping. You may *want* to drink still but you don't *have* to.
. Keep posting, venting, laughing, crying, helping. You may *want* to drink still but you don't *have* to.Thank You Gypsy I don't have to may want to but sure as hell ain't going to!!!! Baby's heart beat was 119 in the office today, first time I was able to hear the heart beat I cried like never before!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks Cal!!!! I appreciate the check ins.....Today has been a so so day........found out an associate is resenting the fact that I can't come to their house ( not that I would but I have a thing about having to strip before I go into my house they have bug and flea problems really bad.....allergic to them so I tend to keep away from places like that) so they have to always come here.....I just politely said don't worry about it I made it before you came around I will make it after your gone....
Tired of having the I am going to hurt you before you hurt me attitude as well as the attitude of your going to need me before I ever need you! Is that part of my BPD( boarderline personality disorder) or the recovery process.......I just feel like a mean spirited bitch anymore.......... How ever this is a good summery of myself.............LOL
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