barb dwyer

Dont' be silly. OF COURSE it's worth it. Think of the alternative.

It settles down. You have to trust in that.

At ten months ... was when I got lexapro. and other stuff. yes. ten months, the docs realize that if something's going on ... something might be broke.
otherwise - in the first year of sobriety - an alcohoic will display symtoms for ever mental illness known to science. LOL

I know a woman, this is the truth - she's a good friend of mine. Talks all the time how the first year of sobriety all she did was tell the group she wasn't one of them, she didn't belong in AA, and all she did her second year ... was cry.

she celebrated her eleventh year last week.
no kidding.

someone actually had the audacity to tellsomene the other day that they were sick of hearing the 'people with time telling people how great their lives were going' ...

you know what / I guarantee that person ... will not stay.

I've got a good feeling about you odaat.

hng in there. or here.

odaat

Well, the Mental Health Team and the Doctor are both out, so no help from them till at least Monday.

I'm just fed up of feeling so bloomin' awful. I'm hoping that when I can find a doctor to prescribe me a different type of antidepressant it'll help. My doctor is telling me to continue to take my current meds until she works out what to do. Don't know how long that'll take, and it takes about 6-8 weeks to taper off them. I don't have that amount of time, so I'm going to stop taking them now. Chances are I'll get a huge telling off, but I need to feel like I'm doing something. This is my LIFE I'm talking about, I can't really sit around and wait for doctors to consult each other, loose my paperwork, forget to phone me etc. etc.

I apologise for ranting, you are probably all fed up of this by now. I just want a little break from feeling bad. 8 years is too long to suffer from depression. I'm tired, I'm angry and I'm fed up. It doesn't feel worth it.

Worst part is I resent my husband for forcing me to live. If he wasn't here, if I didn't care about him and love him, I could just die.

Doug

Normal to feel all over the place? Yep.

Give yourself a break today. You've got 10 months (good job BTW), and you probably drank for alot longer than that right? Give yourself some time to level out. We don't get sick fast, and we don't recover fast.

Balance will come, but it isn't usually fast. Hang on and ride through the rough parts, and the good parts can and do show up.

Also, sitting home isolating, wallowing in the stink is not recovery. There's more to do than just the quitting part. Start doing something else other than that, and you'll start feeling better.

When you talk to somebody about how you feel, just talk about how you feel at that moment. Don't worry if it's jibberish, comes out confusing or in bits, others have felt the same, others will feel the same. Just get it out of you. (That's something new to us as well.) The more you start talking about it, the easier it will get. Try asking one person at the meeting for 5 minutes after the meeting and just spill it that way.

Is it normal? Yep. Can we do something about it? Yep.

But we have to do something.

Sitting alone and wallowing in it will only make it worse. I know because I've done it too.

odaat

Not much else to do apart from wallow. Theres a meeting this evening. At least its the weekend, husband is home.

I just don't think not drinking is curing anything. Everything that is wrong with me now was wrong with me when I was drinking. Suppose I'm just frustrated that I'm not getting better, when I thought I was.

Doug

I can understand the frustration, I think alot of people feel like they're going backwards or nowhere at times, I know I have. And your right, just stopping the drinking doesn't cure much, that's why some kind of after care recovery program is important. There's more too all this than the abuse of substances, and we can't deal with the other stuff until we stop the physical substance abuse. There will be peaks and valleys, but they level out over time as we work on ourselves.

BTW, your signature line pretty much says it all.

odaat

I'm trying to get better, I really am. Just doesn't seem to be coming easy. Very annoying. Why isn't there anything I can do to feel better now? Part of me wishes I had some other illness, at least then I might be taken seriously and I might get some help. I swear the doctors are waiting for me to attempt suicide before they help me.

bugsworth

Odaat, not drinking is not a cure from depression. I do understand how you feel. Be very careful about stopping any prescription, it is my understanding one needs to be slowly weaned off of certain medications. PLEASE be very careful. Is there something I or anyone here can specifically help you with? I am here, my shoulders are strong...feel free to let someone elce help you carry the load.

gottaquit

odaat,
I am working on my 8th day sober.
But, I can see that it is going to be tough for me like it is for you.

See, I had problems before I started drinking with depression and other things.
I even tried suicide a few times totally sober thoughout my life way way before I started drinking.

So, I know that even though I am working to be a recovering alcoholic.
All of my problems will not go away. I also have essential tremors.

I'm glad you are seeing a doctor at this time.
Good Luck, I think you have something to really be proud of.
All of that time sober. It's time you get out and enjoy yourself.
Maybe go for some quite walks somewhere thats real pretty with hubby or a friend.

odaat

I don't think there is anything specifically wrong. I was first diagnosed with depression at 12, but I don't ever remember being happy. Maybe this is just who I am - maybe this is as good as it gets.

I suppose what I really want is a medication that works, and some therapy so I can learn how to live with myself.

I feels like so much to deal with. Don't know where to start, or what to do next.

gottaquit

I hear you there. It's going to be a constant struggle for me. It always has been since my early 20's and I can't expect it to be any different now that I have finally found out that alcohol was not the answer to my problems.
Alcohol definately added to my depression.

So, For me, once I am truely into recovery for a good length of time, I will just be back where I started from. But, I gotta admit. Even though you say it doesn't seem worth it. You gotta know it is. You would not have gone all this time not drinking if you didn't know that alcohol was adding to your problems.

So, for you and I even though we may not ever be 100% well like some recovering alcoholics can look forward to. It's gotta be a step up from the hole we dug for ourselves with the booze.
Be Strong and Good Luck.

odaat

Thanks gottaquit, that message really helped.

I suppose part of me wants to fight, but there is part of me that is ready to just give up. Suppose I just got to listen to the bit that wants to fight.

It takes time to come to terms with a physical disability, so it'll probably take time to come to terms with my mental illness. I wish I could be normal. Maybe its best to focus on what I can achieve instead of wishing for something impossible.

I was stupid and hopeful I suppose. In the beginning, I only listened to the people who said that AA would help with my alcoholism and my depression.

Got a meeting in 6.5 hours, hopefully that'll help.

bugsworth

Odaat, You just said it all....

Listen to the bit that wants to fight...

Focus on what you can achieve....

You are not stupid!!! Stupid would be to give up the fight when you are winning it!

Now being hopeful, or having faith....kinda the same thing....is your spirit telling you to keep on keepin on!

Tazman53

Perfectly normal, it takes time, it will get better with time and as you work the steps with a sponsor.

Hon if you want it, you will get it!!! I felt like you to at first....... I thought "Damn, I want to laugh, I want to smile, I want to have a glimmer in my eye and a skip in my step!"

It is there for the taking, almost every person in those rooms would love nothing more then to freely give to you what was given freely to them.

Beleive it or not that is a VERY good sign, men really try not to aproach women new comers and vice versa, there is a reason behind this. Over the years AA has found that newcomers being vulnerable can be taken advantage of by members of the opposite sex as a result if you feel safe in talking to the men do so, but you will have to make the first move. I feel you should have no problems because if there were any of the sicko's there they would have already aproached you. Might try some different meetings though with more women.

Progress.... not perfection!!! It took me years to get where I was at drinking, when I first walked in I wanted to be sober and serene in a week!!!! I have now learned that sobriety does not happen over night, it is a life long process, a journey, not a destination.

In regards to the sharing......... unless you have a question or a need to hear something discussed more then likely you will gain far more by just listening and asking questions after the meeting if you have any. If you do not want to share or have nothing to share just say something like "No thanks, I am just listening tonight."

I have over a year and I do not share at every meeting and will say "No thanks, I am just listening tonight." if I have nothing to share on the topic.

odaat

I go to all the local meetings, but two of them are almost only men. Its a shame really as that is the smallest meeting, and the one I'd most likely talk to people if they approached me.

I want to share, I want to talk, I want to get my feelings out, but I just physically can't.

dave47

Well done on your 10 months Odaat.You have achieved much and you have a lot to be proud of so don't beat yourself up so much.Everythings gradually going in the right direction.Try and step back for a moment and look at the bigger picture.

Tazman53

Hon some times some of the best stuff comes out during the before the meeting meeting and the after the meeting meeting, try to either bring it out with one of the ladies before or after a meeting or get a ladies phone number and do it that way.

A network in AA is a God send in so many ways, we always have someone to call at any hour of any day that at a minimum is simply a willing ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. Trust me when I say that I feel good no matter the time of day or night someone calls me because I know that one day they may be the one I am calling when I need to simply talk or need some help.