Ms.TimmyV

Well, now that the withdrawal symptoms have simmered down, my thinking is much more clearer. During withdrawal, I have a lot of anxiety (actually the xanax created an anxiety problem. I have never had it before.) and I worry a lot. During this time I cannot make reasonable decisions so I try not to. So now that things have quieted down I can get to work.

Well, I have to officially tell my husband. I mean of course he knows, but I have to come out and say it, and that I need help. I'm afraid to do this. Reason being is that sometimes he speaks before he thinks and might wind saying something like "Oh yeah! Well I know what you've been doing. I know the very minute you take it, your not fooling anyone. What you think that your telling me now I'm just getting the message?" yack, yack, yack. I'm not so sure I can handle that right now. In fact I know I can't.

Second, I know where there is a meeting, but I can't walk in there on my own. My self confidence has been deminished so badly I have became quite a recluse. I don't want to go into my crazy thoughts while in crowds but it's pretty bad.

Third, get into counseling. This takes some work. Thing about it is, in my experience counselors have turned me away. I don't deal with addiction. I don't deal with benzo addiction. Or when I tell them the details of my addiction their eyes buck, they say something like "oh my" or "Wow thats a lot...you can die!" Err I know that...that's why I'm here. It hasn't been too sucessful but I'm sure with some more digging I will find someone...

So this is where I would like to start....and this is in no particular order.

Selah

In dealing with counselors...you deserve to interview them too. I would say to write it down or email the counselor first explaining what you expect from them and what you hope to get out of it. It's harder to say it out loud to them...but they can help you with that as well.

As far as the reclusiveness: anything that happens at the meeting is up to you. You can just sit there and say nothing. Just listen...it's ok. One step at a time

Aysha

I have had that problem with counselors too. But you know what? Thats the great thing about group therapy and outpatient programs.
One on one sounded good to me too. But I found that once I got into a group and it takes a minute to get comfortable. That it was so much more helpful to get other peoples' point of view that were just like me.
As much as I fought it. I finally opened up and gave in and I love group now.
It takes some time to get comfortable with that situation. But when you do..I think it is so beneficial.
In my opinion..You need others like you to relate to.
I hope everything works out.

tanyapmc

I was on xanax for years. I did crazy things that I don't remember on them. I would wake up with a clean house and thank my husband for cleaning it. He would give me that "knowing" look and tell me that he did not clean it. I HAD and dont remember it.

Be very careful coming off of benzos cold turkey. I had many seizures coming off of them.

Life is great without benzos. I go to a 12 step meeting almost everyday. I would highly recommend that you do the same.

I totally understand how the xanax causes anxiety. I too never had an anxiety problem before the pills.

Glad your here, keep posting.

leeside

Same here!

tanyapmc

Let us know how the party goes. HA Its a suprise party for youself! (laughing with you not at you)

Ms.TimmyV

Wow, I never knew that a lot of people never knew the affects of abusing xanax, and how many people that are like me. I always thought that all people that used benzo's used them as perscribed and I was some freak. I remember I joined a ***** group dedicated to benzo's...boy did they rip me a new one. They were quite annoyed that me an "addict" was in their "dependent" group. They kept telling me to taper and to use the Ashton Manual. I guess looking back on it, they were going with what they knew. These were people that were taking benzo's as prescribed but were physically dependent on them. They weren't scarfing down 30 to 40 pills in two days. Unlike them, I wasn't physically dependent. So I couldn't understand their physical aliments. Taper? Ashton Manual? Huh? There is no way I can do that. I can't gradually wean myself off...are you kidding? This isn't a dependency....this is an addiction we are talking about here. It's all or nothing. I can't have a bottle of pills sitting around. I might be able to take it for a day, after that it's the whole hog. I'm not thinking about consquences, who's going to be mad at me, whether I'm going to have a seizure or not...I'm thinking about what's going on right here, right now and that's going on "vacation". This is the one point I have the hardest time communicating. I'm an addict, like any other addict. I do not have a "special addiction". I can't turn it on and off to spare myself harm. It's either on...or off.

Let's say your addicted to tomatoes. Your friend doesn't know about your addiction and they say "Hey, I have a lb of tomatoes here...I can't really eat tomatoes because they hurt my stomach". They hurt your stomach too...but you just love them so much that you don't care. "Sure, I'll take 'em. Bring them over". Then you go thru a whole conversation with yourself....okay you're not going to eat all of them at once. You're going to eat one and that's it. You want them to last all week. Your friend shows up with the tomatoes. Wow..okay. You take out one and eat it, but you want another, but you don't...walk the dog. You come back. AArrrgh...okay just one more, then another and another. Next thing you know your having a tomato feast on the kitchen floor. Now your sick, there's a mess on the floor and your mad at yourself. The doctor already warned you about feasting on tomatoes...you can do yourself harm, you're really playing with fire. You're going to be in big trouble if you don't get off the tomatoes. If you don't get help and make an effort to stop, what's going to happen if you have access to more tomatoes?

Well xanax are my tomatoes...just like that. Sorry if this seems ranty. I'm just so frustrated with this.

tanyapmc

I too was a member on ***** that talked about the Ashton Manuel. It was foreign to me too. Have a bottle of pills around and not take them?? HA HA Not me!

I totally relate to you Timmy. I too did not think of the consequences when I had pills around. Thank God I do not have to live like that anymore. Have you thought of going to NA or AA?

And.........you did not mention how the party went. I bet it was interesting. Or maybe it is not until tonight. Well, hang in there and keep posting.

Aysha

As prescribed? When I took them who had a prescription? Not me. People would have hundreds of them and we'd just take em to get high just like smoking a joint or whatever. I now have a script and I dont even take them hardly at all. Ironic or what.
I like your tomato metaphore.that was cute. I get what your saying with that.
My DOC is Cocaine. And I sure the hell couldnt have a chunk laying around and just do a little bit and a little less the next time with it all sitting there. YEA OK.
You are not alone here. We understand. And you dont have to do it by yourself.

leeside

There have been others here with the same kind of problem. You have to get a responsible person (one you don't have your way with too) to administer and keep the drugs. The problem is finding such a person! HTH

Ms.TimmyV

can't get to sleep.Its 2:50am Nasty case of busy brain.

about the party, worked out well actually. Spent money than I intended, but it was okay. It wasn't a debacle like I thought it would be.

tanyapmc

Sorry you cannot sleep Timmy. Have you heard of PAWS? (Post accute withdrawl) If your interested I will send you the link. It has explained alot to me.

Glad the party went well. Does your family know that your going through detox?

Hang in there.

Ms.TimmyV

I'm glad you asked Tanya, I was thinking about that when I went for a walk today.

My husband doesn't know...actually no one knows, besides the people on SR. I want to make sure I'm going to stick with it, and make a commitment to this before I tell anyone. I want to feel confident in my decision. As far as my mother and extended family, probably not. They tend to be negative, and usually make back handed compliments. Besides, they are going thru their own problems with addiction. Maybe later but not this early...they tend to trigger me anyway.

I'm going to start working my first step today. Sure Tanya, please send me the link...I love useful information.

Ms.TimmyV

Tanya, I went ahead and goggled PAWS...I when I finished reading the blurb I expected to see a thumbnail picture of myself at the bottom Really explains A LOT. Thank you.

tanyapmc

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

Here is the link I have. Yes I know, when I read it I was amazed. I was sure they had been following me around. But it sure helps to know what is going on with me. Are u going to meetings?
Way to go on starting your 1st step.
what do u think ur hubby would say if u told him what ur going through? Maybe he would be supportive. He probably knows something is going on.
glad your still clean. Hang in there

tanyapmc

How ya doing Timmy??