How do you deal with people crapping on you?
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
I'm just about ready to say "To Hell with it."
Raised from the Dead
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Chicago
Posts: 376
Originally Posted by TenPacks 
When someone who you THOUGHT was a friend dumps all over you, calls you names, mocks your attempt to stay sober, calls you a "toxic mess", accuses you of drinking when you're in fact having Insomnia, threatens to go behind your back to wreck your life, and all kinds of things?
This is a "friend"??? Someone who makes you think it's just too damn hard, and you might as well crawl back in the bottle and screw the cap on behind you?
I'm just about ready to say "To Hell with it."
This is a "friend"??? Someone who makes you think it's just too damn hard, and you might as well crawl back in the bottle and screw the cap on behind you?
I'm just about ready to say "To Hell with it."
we have to stay away from toxic people. it rubs off on us. also if people refuse to work a program, they will get us drunk before we get them sober! its not easy but ridding ourselves of negative people is in our best interests.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 31
Hi Ten,
I have only been in recovery for a month and haven't had this kind of experience (yet) with friends as I currently live in a different country to the friends I had while drinking and have made some more positive relationships here. Someone mentioned that maybe they are scared that they also may have a problem and I think there's truth in that.
For example, last night I met up with an old drinking buddy that I hadn't seen for a while and I told him that I wasn't drinking anymore. He didn't hassle me or anything but said "make sure it doesn't last too long, I miss our good times". This guy is a great person, but last week he woke up in the afternoon the day after a "good time" in the back of a work truck in a place he didn't know, with no idea how he got there. While he didn't actively criticise me for not drinking, I wonder if maybe the changes I'm making in my life will seperate our friendship a bit, because my idea of a "good time" has changed a bit since the last month. When people move on and change people who knew the old person may not find themselves feeling comfortable with the new person.
Like others have said, it's best to distance yourself from toxic people and keep doing what you need to do for yourself. Good luck.
I have only been in recovery for a month and haven't had this kind of experience (yet) with friends as I currently live in a different country to the friends I had while drinking and have made some more positive relationships here. Someone mentioned that maybe they are scared that they also may have a problem and I think there's truth in that.
For example, last night I met up with an old drinking buddy that I hadn't seen for a while and I told him that I wasn't drinking anymore. He didn't hassle me or anything but said "make sure it doesn't last too long, I miss our good times". This guy is a great person, but last week he woke up in the afternoon the day after a "good time" in the back of a work truck in a place he didn't know, with no idea how he got there. While he didn't actively criticise me for not drinking, I wonder if maybe the changes I'm making in my life will seperate our friendship a bit, because my idea of a "good time" has changed a bit since the last month. When people move on and change people who knew the old person may not find themselves feeling comfortable with the new person.
Like others have said, it's best to distance yourself from toxic people and keep doing what you need to do for yourself. Good luck.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Originally Posted by best
As nasty as said friend was... he just may be a better friend then either of you think he is. A friend gives us what we need, not what we want.
I wouldn't call him a friend but for the fact that he may have given you (without his knowing) just what you need in the moment.
He pissed you off and has you thinking. Your thinking just may save your life as it helps you make the better choices. Maybe not a friend but he sure was a help I would say.
Use that strength that comes from your anger and put it to use for the day.
Just for today, I will not pick up and... I will show him I can do this.
I wouldn't call him a friend but for the fact that he may have given you (without his knowing) just what you need in the moment.
He pissed you off and has you thinking. Your thinking just may save your life as it helps you make the better choices. Maybe not a friend but he sure was a help I would say.
Use that strength that comes from your anger and put it to use for the day.
Just for today, I will not pick up and... I will show him I can do this.
Kevin
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Southern BC, Canada
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by best
He pissed you off and has you thinking.
YES, I know that's MY end of Life to deal with, and there will be other challenges... but there's also a "catch" here. There is a "someone" in my Life that I KNOW can help me make it to the Other Side, and he knows who that is. If I am to believe what I have heard in tid-bits, he has or will try to "torpedo me" with that "someone" - it may have even happened today.
WHY he would want to, I don't know.... he has done nowhere NEAR the things I have tried to do for that person, but then I have also put that person through a lot of grief, too - partly because of alcohol and "who" I have become. BUT I RECOGNIZE THE HARM I DID... it will take time, but "time" is all I ask for!
(ps - I know that sounds typically insecure or paranoid - I bet a few of us have "Bid Dere-DunDat", too)
Never mind, folks - just been a bad few days - even had some crappy dental work today... so damn tired, but aching more than sleep will allow.
One at a time, right? Just one....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Southern BC, Canada
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by chicago
holy crap i can so indentify with this. i posted several times on here about having to cut toxic people out from my life. one kid (a chronic relapser) began stalking me! he would literally call me everyday, personally attacking and calling me names. he's been in and out of jail and has lived in a halfway house basically since he's been 20 (he's 27 now). he showed up at a my home group last wed (it was my final day chairing it) announcing he was in the first 30 days of sobriety. i didnt talk to him. he's toxic, he'll chastice me for distancing myself from him and then make amends for it later (even though he doesnt have a sponsor) only to chastice once again.
He still worries me some, but time will tell....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Southern BC, Canada
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by Jersey Nonny
And, wouldn't that just prove the point...that you can't stay sober!?! Pray for this person, and, "Don't get mad, get even." The best way you can do that is by staying sober and proving your "friend" wrong!
And Jersy - aren't you just as right as can be?
Thank you - we sometimes need SOME thought to cling to, some hope for the future, or some way to "GET BACK" at them, maybe? And what finer way than to make them look like the fools they are, when we get "control".... which is all we can hope for, there ain't no "cure".
Of course, there ARE some who will never cut you any slack. I pray for the day I can just FORGET this person, and what he is trying to do to my "someone".
It will come.... it WILL come.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
if it's raining....
acceptence...you're powerless over the rain.
you have a chioce...stay out of the rain or go out into the rain.
if it's imperitive that you must go into the rain..you still have a chioce.
Go into the rain unprotected or put on a rain coat.
The raincoat is like having thick skin. If you get a rain coat made
of teflon.That's better too..becuase nothing will stick to it.lol
acceptence...you're powerless over the rain.
you have a chioce...stay out of the rain or go out into the rain.
if it's imperitive that you must go into the rain..you still have a chioce.
Go into the rain unprotected or put on a rain coat.
The raincoat is like having thick skin. If you get a rain coat made
of teflon.That's better too..becuase nothing will stick to it.lol
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
TenPacks-
YOU DONT! This person is not a friend but rather as others have stated a "toxic" individual. I have weeded those kind of people out of my life, the energy spent on them and not myself because of what they say and what they may do is wasted energy and theirs to waste on themselves! I allowed myself to be treated or crapped on if you will my entire life....we have choices now and I will not allow those in my life that treat me any different than I want to be or would treat them!
Work on your soberity and you! Talk to those who will support you in everyway possible like us here at SR! I'am a co-dependent not an alcoholic but it is still recovery for me too-we have set backs/relapses in recovery and I have friends in my life that say "hey what are you doing?" and help me back up again! Those are the people I need in my life and so do you! My brother is an A going through a very very bad time right now and when I find I have the strength to speak with him I do, when I do not I do not answer my phone.
Hang in there we are behind you 110%
How do you deal with crapping on you?
Work on your soberity and you! Talk to those who will support you in everyway possible like us here at SR! I'am a co-dependent not an alcoholic but it is still recovery for me too-we have set backs/relapses in recovery and I have friends in my life that say "hey what are you doing?" and help me back up again! Those are the people I need in my life and so do you! My brother is an A going through a very very bad time right now and when I find I have the strength to speak with him I do, when I do not I do not answer my phone.
Hang in there we are behind you 110%
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Southern BC, Canada
Posts: 100
SaTit... while everyone has given me things to encourage and make me think in this thread, this caught my eye and my heart:
I would amend the last line or so... if I can get a rain-coat made of LOVE and SUPPORT, and yes, "TOUGH STANDARDS" that I must live up to... standards that I want to live up to - it could make all the difference in the world. I hope not too many will disagree with me in this: I KNOW the desire for change HAS TO come from within... but to have an goal to look forward to, a person that I know WILL be loving but stern at the same time, as opposed to the Enabling that defeats you sooner or later....
I made a decision the other day - one that I have vacillated about for close to a year.... I have to leave my current situation. It will be heartbreaking in many ways, but I KNOW it's for the best.
As I said the other day, "There is a "someone" in my Life that I KNOW can help me make it to the Other Side."
And I NEED HER, like the air I breathe. It will mean hard times for a while, times that are already making it tough to resist the Problem I have. But I made my decision, one I have struggled with for a long time, months not weeks.
I have to go to be with her, and let my past life go.
if it's raining....
acceptence...you're powerless over the rain.
you have a chioce...stay out of the rain or go out into the rain.
if it's imperitive that you must go into the rain..you still have a chioce.
Go into the rain unprotected or put on a rain coat.
The raincoat is like having thick skin. If you get a rain coat made
of teflon.That's better too..becuase nothing will stick to it.lol
acceptence...you're powerless over the rain.
you have a chioce...stay out of the rain or go out into the rain.
if it's imperitive that you must go into the rain..you still have a chioce.
Go into the rain unprotected or put on a rain coat.
The raincoat is like having thick skin. If you get a rain coat made
of teflon.That's better too..becuase nothing will stick to it.lol
I made a decision the other day - one that I have vacillated about for close to a year.... I have to leave my current situation. It will be heartbreaking in many ways, but I KNOW it's for the best.
As I said the other day, "There is a "someone" in my Life that I KNOW can help me make it to the Other Side."
And I NEED HER, like the air I breathe. It will mean hard times for a while, times that are already making it tough to resist the Problem I have. But I made my decision, one I have struggled with for a long time, months not weeks.
I have to go to be with her, and let my past life go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Southern BC, Canada
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by Rusty Zipper
TP, i wouldnt call that person a friend...
and get the hell away as fast as your little ass can move!
all good wishes TP
xxoo, rusty
and get the hell away as fast as your little ass can move!
all good wishes TP
xxoo, rusty
Rusty, it was on looking back on last weeks posts that the "little ass" thing caught my eye.... the LOVE that I have decided to be with has kidded me (more than a few times) about my "widdle butt". And your line cracked me up - been peeking in my window?
LMAO!
You gave a welcome smile on my face and a good chuckle tonight, Rusty! Thanks....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Berkeley, Ca
Posts: 1
this is already helping me
Just discovered this site and registered, hesitantly, hoping for a peek at the light (even if it's at the end of someone else's tunnel).
I already feel less hopeless. Thanks.
I've been crawling out of, and falling back into the exact same situation. Had 8 years of sobriety (without knowing I had a problem) a long time ago (but we called it "Born Again"), then.........well, I'm worse off now than ever in my life and have only managed to go 3 weeks without using and drinking.
I am relieved to find this space.
I already feel less hopeless. Thanks.
I've been crawling out of, and falling back into the exact same situation. Had 8 years of sobriety (without knowing I had a problem) a long time ago (but we called it "Born Again"), then.........well, I'm worse off now than ever in my life and have only managed to go 3 weeks without using and drinking.
I am relieved to find this space.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Tenpacks -
been wondering where you were -
octoman 90 and others ) are right - this is no friend.
And I agree that this person just sounds scandalized that you're getting better. I mean, if they can't climb with ya - they've no right to drag you back to the basement.
hang in, friend!
been wondering where you were -
octoman 90 and others ) are right - this is no friend.
And I agree that this person just sounds scandalized that you're getting better. I mean, if they can't climb with ya - they've no right to drag you back to the basement.
hang in, friend!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Southern BC, Canada
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by barb dwyer
Tenpacks -
been wondering where you were -
been wondering where you were -
She had to go away for a while and (foolishly, as it turned out) I did not accompany her. In a short time I realized that the "ugly me", that I THOUGHT I had beaten or at least put away, was coming back without her nearby. I upset her family a couple times, and in my horror that I was still capable of being the Old Me - I made a decision to go back before I caused any more damage -
a "Crisis Of Faith", I guess you could call it.
But since then, I feel like I am without my soul, and she has started showing signs of pulling away... something I couldn't live with. I KNOW I would just give up and relapse permanantly.
So I am facing the fact that, while I will go through some difficult times to do it, I have to be in her life.... she is my Salvation, if there is ever to be one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Southern BC, Canada
Posts: 100
I have taken this line of thought to "Anxiety", if anyone wants to follow it - I have pretty much put this ex-friend to rest in my mind, but I am now into Panic Attacks, because my wife and I have hit the end of the road together - just the last several days.
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