I have to quit for good this time.
Sober But Struggling
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 73
I have to quit for good this time.
I can not continue with drinking. Here is a little of my story.
I am a 47 year old married mother of 3 beautiful boys.
I was always a social drinker ( once or twice a year and less) and could handle that and things never got out of control until 4 years ago. I also have what is called Essential Tremors.
Before I started drinking heavily 4 years ago, My tremors got much worst. It is a progressive nueroligic disorder. I was born with it and lived with my hands shaking all of my life. Anyway. The tremors got much worse and spread to my head a little over 4 years ago. I could not sleep, I could not lay in bed and watch TV because my head just bounced around so awful so I started seeing a nuerologist. He started giving me botox shots in my neck in the particular muscles that were causing my head tremors. It kind of helped, but left my neck very week to the point where it was difficult to look down to even tie my shoes.
At the first visit for my injections, I asked the doctor if there was anything that he could do with my hand tremors as well. He told me. Not much, But, Asked if I ever noticed that alcohol releived the tremors. I told him that at weddings and such where there would be social drinking, I did noticed my tremors went away completely.
He told me that it was because alcohol puts the part of the brain that causes the tremors asleep temporarily. He said, I could try alcohol. But, to be very careful because alcohol is very addictic and even the withdrawal of one time of drinking for anyone that does not have tremors at all will cause temors in them and could make my tremors worse temporarily during withdrawal.
The botox shots were not suiting me well. So, I started drinking maybe once or twice a week. I never liked alcohol that much, So, I remembered at a wedding one of my cousins handed me a flask with Jack Daniels in it and I took 2 swigs and it went down well and did not come back up. So, That was my drink of choice.
In the beginning, 2 shots was all I needed to calm my tremors. It's 4 years later and I now need at least 5 shots. Needless to say. I am addicted now. And most of the time. I don't stop at 5 shots.
I have been in and out of detox 3 times, and was in rehab for 2 weeks once.
The 2 week rehab visit was over this past Christmas and NewYears. I figured, Sure, I would be depriving myself of the holidays. But, I was desparate to get myself straight once and for all.
When I came out. It only took me 10 days before I was back at the liquor store buying a bottle again. I kept thinking. I just want to lie still for just a little while without my tremors.
I have gotten very determined on my own in the past and can quit for up to around 10 days all by myself. But, I always go back to drinking because my tremors drive me nuts.
I don't want to drink anymore. I have lost so much respect from my family and friends and every morning I'm sick at my stomache and the only thing that helps my gutt is if I drink.
I know the only reason I'm sick is because of withdrawal.
Today, I refused to go and buy a bottle. So, this morning I started taking Campral that my doctor gave me when I left rehab in January and took a few tums.
I have pretty much faith that I can get through 10 days on my own.
But, after that. I am unsure. I know I will be tempted again when my tremors get the best of me.
So, I am here for support and will be going to AA meetings also.
Although, The AA meetings just remind me more of drinking.
I just wish that alcoholism could be 'OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND' But, It doesn't work that way.
Anyway. Please do wish me luck and success.
gottaquit
I am a 47 year old married mother of 3 beautiful boys.
I was always a social drinker ( once or twice a year and less) and could handle that and things never got out of control until 4 years ago. I also have what is called Essential Tremors.
Before I started drinking heavily 4 years ago, My tremors got much worst. It is a progressive nueroligic disorder. I was born with it and lived with my hands shaking all of my life. Anyway. The tremors got much worse and spread to my head a little over 4 years ago. I could not sleep, I could not lay in bed and watch TV because my head just bounced around so awful so I started seeing a nuerologist. He started giving me botox shots in my neck in the particular muscles that were causing my head tremors. It kind of helped, but left my neck very week to the point where it was difficult to look down to even tie my shoes.
At the first visit for my injections, I asked the doctor if there was anything that he could do with my hand tremors as well. He told me. Not much, But, Asked if I ever noticed that alcohol releived the tremors. I told him that at weddings and such where there would be social drinking, I did noticed my tremors went away completely.
He told me that it was because alcohol puts the part of the brain that causes the tremors asleep temporarily. He said, I could try alcohol. But, to be very careful because alcohol is very addictic and even the withdrawal of one time of drinking for anyone that does not have tremors at all will cause temors in them and could make my tremors worse temporarily during withdrawal.
The botox shots were not suiting me well. So, I started drinking maybe once or twice a week. I never liked alcohol that much, So, I remembered at a wedding one of my cousins handed me a flask with Jack Daniels in it and I took 2 swigs and it went down well and did not come back up. So, That was my drink of choice.
In the beginning, 2 shots was all I needed to calm my tremors. It's 4 years later and I now need at least 5 shots. Needless to say. I am addicted now. And most of the time. I don't stop at 5 shots.
I have been in and out of detox 3 times, and was in rehab for 2 weeks once.
The 2 week rehab visit was over this past Christmas and NewYears. I figured, Sure, I would be depriving myself of the holidays. But, I was desparate to get myself straight once and for all.
When I came out. It only took me 10 days before I was back at the liquor store buying a bottle again. I kept thinking. I just want to lie still for just a little while without my tremors.
I have gotten very determined on my own in the past and can quit for up to around 10 days all by myself. But, I always go back to drinking because my tremors drive me nuts.
I don't want to drink anymore. I have lost so much respect from my family and friends and every morning I'm sick at my stomache and the only thing that helps my gutt is if I drink.
I know the only reason I'm sick is because of withdrawal.
Today, I refused to go and buy a bottle. So, this morning I started taking Campral that my doctor gave me when I left rehab in January and took a few tums.
I have pretty much faith that I can get through 10 days on my own.
But, after that. I am unsure. I know I will be tempted again when my tremors get the best of me.
So, I am here for support and will be going to AA meetings also.
Although, The AA meetings just remind me more of drinking.
I just wish that alcoholism could be 'OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND' But, It doesn't work that way.
Anyway. Please do wish me luck and success.
gottaquit
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
gottaquit hon You will be in my prayers, but if you have not spoken to your doctor about what you are doing I beg you to do so!
Withdrawal from alcohol kills people who have no health problems except ones directly tied to alcohol. With the health issues that you have the withdrawals I would venture a common sense guess would have a far higher likelyhood of severe, possibly deadly consequences!
Please at a minimum call yuor doctor now and tell you doc the WHOLE truth, this is a matter of life and death, not a matter of how tough I am.
Withdrawal from alcohol kills people who have no health problems except ones directly tied to alcohol. With the health issues that you have the withdrawals I would venture a common sense guess would have a far higher likelyhood of severe, possibly deadly consequences!
Please at a minimum call yuor doctor now and tell you doc the WHOLE truth, this is a matter of life and death, not a matter of how tough I am.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Gottaquit,
I just wanted to welcome you here. Thank you for posting, and sharing some of your story with us.
You mentioned that AA meetings remind you of more drinking. I understand that there is a lot of talk centered around drinking there, but there is also a lot of talk around recovery. Please don't use this as an excuse to not attend meetings. I urge you to attend, and to get a temporary sponsor as soon as you can - hopefully someone who can attend a lot of meetings with you, and help you in your quest for sobriety.
Recovery is possible, no matter who you are/what your drank/your family history/medical problems etc. Don't give up.
Please keep reading and posting. There is much inspiration to be found here.
Rowan
I just wanted to welcome you here. Thank you for posting, and sharing some of your story with us.
You mentioned that AA meetings remind you of more drinking. I understand that there is a lot of talk centered around drinking there, but there is also a lot of talk around recovery. Please don't use this as an excuse to not attend meetings. I urge you to attend, and to get a temporary sponsor as soon as you can - hopefully someone who can attend a lot of meetings with you, and help you in your quest for sobriety.
Recovery is possible, no matter who you are/what your drank/your family history/medical problems etc. Don't give up.
Please keep reading and posting. There is much inspiration to be found here.
Rowan
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Hi and Welcome,
While reading your post, I wondered if you had tried to get a second opinion about what can be done for your tremors? It's possible that there is some new drug or something you could try that would help relieve the tremors.
I'm glad you found us and congratulations on your decision to stop drinking. I used alcohol to self-medicate too and I ended up a mess.
While reading your post, I wondered if you had tried to get a second opinion about what can be done for your tremors? It's possible that there is some new drug or something you could try that would help relieve the tremors.
I'm glad you found us and congratulations on your decision to stop drinking. I used alcohol to self-medicate too and I ended up a mess.
one of many
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Ellisville, FL
Posts: 200
Gottaquit, congrats on your decision to quit drinking. I've gotta quit too. I've had it with this self destructive bs. You can quit drinking. Just take it one day at a time. Keep going to the Doc, try joining a support group such as AA/SMART in your area. It will get easier with time and your life will improve every single day. I am so much happier sober. I am living everyday with a clear conscience and secure in the knowledge that I will have a victory each and every day, as long as I don't pick up a drink or use a drug.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Posts: 345
Hi, pleased to meet you 
Whatever the circumstances recovery is possible and people are making bold steps into a better life every day. You can do this! The desire to use drink to medicate your physical symptoms is understandable but it wont make things better. It will just create more problems.
Congratulations on your decision to get sober and make the step to come on here. Good luck!
Oct
Whatever the circumstances recovery is possible and people are making bold steps into a better life every day. You can do this! The desire to use drink to medicate your physical symptoms is understandable but it wont make things better. It will just create more problems.
Congratulations on your decision to get sober and make the step to come on here. Good luck!
Oct
Sober But Struggling
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 73
Well, I made it through the day. I had to work at two different stores today. I am a merchandiser. There is a liquor store right next to the first store I had to do.
I parked as far away from it as I could and didn't even look at the sign.
My stomache bothered me most in the morning. But, after I did the first store I got a slice of pizza and headed to the next store and felt much better.
I'll tell you one thing. At the second store. I noticed myself doing something I don't usually do when I am drinking and working. I was actually nice to the customers that got in my way and was saying things like (Oh, I'm sorry, I'm in your way and things like that) Normally, When I see someone coming my way a give them a look as if to say, ( Don't even think about getting in my way.)
So, That's an improvement there.
My tummy is bothering me right now. But, I know liqour will just keep the chain going every time I drink it. I just can't do that anymore. I have to break that chain.
I'm just so glad and (I know it's silly cause no-one that knows me knows of my challenge today) But, I am proud that I didn't have a drink today.
I took my second dose of Campral as soon as I got home and worked on dinner.
I appreciate all of the comments. Please keep me in your thoughts and I will keep all of you in my thoughts.
I will keep coming back with my progress. Hopefully in a month I will be able to come on here and tell you all that I made 30 days. I bet if I go a month I will be feeling so much better than I do right now.
gottaquit
I parked as far away from it as I could and didn't even look at the sign.
My stomache bothered me most in the morning. But, after I did the first store I got a slice of pizza and headed to the next store and felt much better.
I'll tell you one thing. At the second store. I noticed myself doing something I don't usually do when I am drinking and working. I was actually nice to the customers that got in my way and was saying things like (Oh, I'm sorry, I'm in your way and things like that) Normally, When I see someone coming my way a give them a look as if to say, ( Don't even think about getting in my way.)
So, That's an improvement there.
My tummy is bothering me right now. But, I know liqour will just keep the chain going every time I drink it. I just can't do that anymore. I have to break that chain.
I'm just so glad and (I know it's silly cause no-one that knows me knows of my challenge today) But, I am proud that I didn't have a drink today.
I took my second dose of Campral as soon as I got home and worked on dinner.
I appreciate all of the comments. Please keep me in your thoughts and I will keep all of you in my thoughts.
I will keep coming back with my progress. Hopefully in a month I will be able to come on here and tell you all that I made 30 days. I bet if I go a month I will be feeling so much better than I do right now.
gottaquit
Sober But Struggling
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 73
Well, I can honestly say that it has been more than 24 hours since my last drink.
I believe that last drop came out of the bottle yesterday around 1:30 in the afternoon. Of course being drunk after drinking it does not count as soberness though.
But, That's when I had my last drink. It's 7:30 EST here right now. So, I think I've been sober for 24 hours.
Tonight was a great night.
My one son always expects that mom is drunk when she is singing. But, Before I turned on my PA system to sing tonight after dinner. He was sitting next to me and I huffed in his face. (I know, It was kind of rude and yucko.) But, He said, What was that for. I said. No booze on my breath right? He said. Good. I turned on my PA system as he sat there and have been singing ever since.
NOW THAT FELT BETTER THAN ANY DRINK I COULD EVER DRINK.
I have a version of a song that I sang with one of my bands when I was younger.
I really love listening to it. Tonight around dinner time. I found my old, old copy of the extended intrumental version on cassette. So, I hooked up my cassette player to my computer and I always have my PA plugged into my computer so I can record anything I sing.
I made a copy to turn into an mp3 and then continued playing it and working on the song with my vocals. It's kind of tough right now because I have a chest cold. But, it was really fun. I can't wait to try it when I don't have this cold.
Now, My son knows for sure that mom does not have to be drunk to sing.
UMMMMMMMMMMM and so do I.
Yes, It will feel good to go to bed tonight knowing I did not take a drink today.
I hope I wake tommorrow with even half of the enthusiasum and determination as I have now. I don't feel any withdrawal symptoms right now at all.
Mornings are always the toughest for me.
I'll check back in with you tommorrow.
I believe that last drop came out of the bottle yesterday around 1:30 in the afternoon. Of course being drunk after drinking it does not count as soberness though.
But, That's when I had my last drink. It's 7:30 EST here right now. So, I think I've been sober for 24 hours.
Tonight was a great night.
My one son always expects that mom is drunk when she is singing. But, Before I turned on my PA system to sing tonight after dinner. He was sitting next to me and I huffed in his face. (I know, It was kind of rude and yucko.) But, He said, What was that for. I said. No booze on my breath right? He said. Good. I turned on my PA system as he sat there and have been singing ever since.
NOW THAT FELT BETTER THAN ANY DRINK I COULD EVER DRINK.
I have a version of a song that I sang with one of my bands when I was younger.
I really love listening to it. Tonight around dinner time. I found my old, old copy of the extended intrumental version on cassette. So, I hooked up my cassette player to my computer and I always have my PA plugged into my computer so I can record anything I sing.
I made a copy to turn into an mp3 and then continued playing it and working on the song with my vocals. It's kind of tough right now because I have a chest cold. But, it was really fun. I can't wait to try it when I don't have this cold.
Now, My son knows for sure that mom does not have to be drunk to sing.
UMMMMMMMMMMM and so do I.
Yes, It will feel good to go to bed tonight knowing I did not take a drink today.
I hope I wake tommorrow with even half of the enthusiasum and determination as I have now. I don't feel any withdrawal symptoms right now at all.
Mornings are always the toughest for me.
I'll check back in with you tommorrow.
Sober But Struggling
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 73
Oh a couple more things on my mind. My family always tells me they know when I have been drinking. But, I don't always feel that that's true. One surefire indication to them should not so much be whats on my breath. But, My tremors return full force.
My head and hands don't shake at all when I'm drunk.
Right now my head is bouncing about. There have been times when I am sober for days and they will accuse me of drinking just because I tell a silly joke or something.
All they would really have to do is look at my head. It doesn't shake when I drink.
Today I did get an E-Mail from a person from an organization call TAN that I have been watching for years. TAN stands for Tremor Action Network. The girl told me she read somewhere that I had become an alcoholic because of my tremors and can not afford what is called DBS Deep Brain Stimulation. It is where they put an implant in your brain that stops the tremors.
This woman told me that if I talk to my nuerologist and the hospital where the surgery would be done. There is a company that can possibly fund a case such as mine. I get nervous about it though. I think they fund it becuase the surgery is still in somewhat of a beta form now. So, I would feel like a guinea pig. But, I know my doctor tried to talk me into it and said it could change my life so much too. He said why wait. He said I could actually be using the cosmetology lisence that I have been keeping up since I was in my 20's and only got to use for a short time.
I don't know. I really have some thinking to do.
I certainly won't be any good to anyone if I need a liver replacement from drinking either.
OKey Dokey,
Good night all.
My head and hands don't shake at all when I'm drunk.
Right now my head is bouncing about. There have been times when I am sober for days and they will accuse me of drinking just because I tell a silly joke or something.
All they would really have to do is look at my head. It doesn't shake when I drink.
Today I did get an E-Mail from a person from an organization call TAN that I have been watching for years. TAN stands for Tremor Action Network. The girl told me she read somewhere that I had become an alcoholic because of my tremors and can not afford what is called DBS Deep Brain Stimulation. It is where they put an implant in your brain that stops the tremors.
This woman told me that if I talk to my nuerologist and the hospital where the surgery would be done. There is a company that can possibly fund a case such as mine. I get nervous about it though. I think they fund it becuase the surgery is still in somewhat of a beta form now. So, I would feel like a guinea pig. But, I know my doctor tried to talk me into it and said it could change my life so much too. He said why wait. He said I could actually be using the cosmetology lisence that I have been keeping up since I was in my 20's and only got to use for a short time.
I don't know. I really have some thinking to do.
I certainly won't be any good to anyone if I need a liver replacement from drinking either.
OKey Dokey,
Good night all.
Sober But Struggling
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 73
Hello,
Just checking in. Still sober. This morning has been really tough. My cold isn't helping since it triggers my asthma and makes it difficult to sleep.
I felt sick to my stomache all morning. (Definately Withdrawal)
It's almost 4:00 and my stomache is feeling a little better now.
My 20 year old popped in on us at 4:00 in the morning because he did not want to drive to his grand mothers where he has been staying for college.
It was a nice surprise.
Keep me in your thoughts. Thanks.
gottaquit
Just checking in. Still sober. This morning has been really tough. My cold isn't helping since it triggers my asthma and makes it difficult to sleep.
I felt sick to my stomache all morning. (Definately Withdrawal)
It's almost 4:00 and my stomache is feeling a little better now.
My 20 year old popped in on us at 4:00 in the morning because he did not want to drive to his grand mothers where he has been staying for college.
It was a nice surprise.
Keep me in your thoughts. Thanks.
gottaquit
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