Need to find courage...Long
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Need to find courage...Long
I need to get the courage to apologize..forgive...say what I really meant to my father. And to forgive myself for what I said.
When I got out of the mental hospital...They had put me on a new medication that was suppose to stabalise my mood. Well it made me angrier..more aggressive..and in an aggravated mood everyday all day.
Pls like I told you all...That was my big turning point when I started to open up and be more open minded and really dig into underlying causes that may have played a factor in why I turned to drug use.
My father was a big topic. I never thought so. But I was shown a different point of view that opened my eyes that maybe not intentional..But things he did in his life affected me in a big way as a kid. And they did. But I thought I was over it. Never thought about as I grew older.
He was an alcoholic and beat my mother. As a result...she has been missing since I was 5 years old. She was an immigrant from S. Korea and became a citizen when she married my father. So maybe she was deported. But after he got remarried she just dropped off the face of the earth. He was never around. And when he finally got sober he was too preoccupied with his new family to relise he had another daughter who wanted and needed him.
Anyway..I always thought that because my grams is the best thing that ever could have happened to me. And she is unconditional and if it wasnt for her. Who knows where I would be. And she made sure I had everything I needed and wanted. That all that other stuff didnt matter.
But it did and it does. Even though I thought my grams made up for my loss and pain as a kid. And I had a great life and still do because of her. It doesnt change the fact that when I was in elementary school I was obsessed with wanting to find my mom.
Every asian woman I saw I would imagine was her. I would day dream about the day I found her. And now that I think about it. I did that well into my teenage years. I guess until I started using drugs heavily at around 14 or 15.
Anyway...I never thought this stuff bothered me until the therapist and groups started scratching the surface and just blew it up. I wasnt mad. I just took it for what it was and I am not one to hold a grudge. I may be an angry person and act out alot. But I forgive fast.
When I got out of the mental place..I was told that my neice and nephew werent allowed to my house because of me and that my step mother...who I hate with every fiber of my being...and my father like telling my business to any and everyone who will listen. And not so much my dad but my stepmother is an ignorant gossiping pig. She talks trash about everyone and really bad when she does about her own kids. I mean bad. It's like she doesnt know how to have a conversation otherwise. All she knows how to do is gossip and put people down. Well of course my first reaction was to get angry. And being on those meds made it worse and stop and think was not an option at the time.
So I wrote my sister and my dad very angry emails. And my sister..we arent close and she is an opportunist anyway. So I dont feel too bad about hers.
But I said some pretty hurtful things to my dad in his that I would not say otherwise. And one or two things I didnt mean I was just hurt.
And when he got it..He went to my aunts work and told her about it and she told me he had tears in his eyes. I felt so bad and regretted it as soon as I hit the send button. I dont care what my dad has done. I love him and and I respect him. He has over 20 years sober and he is my inspiration I can make it. Me and him are the only addicts in the whole family. The only ones who ever went the paths we did and no matter what..I admire him and love him more than I can explain. My step mother has got him wrapped and he takes on her persona alot of times and I hate it. She is nothing but an ignorant disgusting pig that sits on her ass all day and sucks the life out of my dad. Not to mention she wont cook for him or clean the house or her ass. While he busts his ass all day and takes care of her stankin ass.
Sorry...Got carried away.
I have trying to think of what I wanted to say to try and tell my dad I am sorry for writing that email. I am ashamed I said that he was dead to me. He came over this morning to put skirting on our deck and I hid in my room...snuck out the back door and came to my aunts house. I wanted to talk to him..Tell him I didnt mean it. And all that runs through my mind when I try to think of what to say is...Do it..Because you never know what can happen. What if he gets killed..dies or gets hurt..or anything and I never get that chance to tell him I didnt mean it and I love him no matter what.
When he left..My grams told me that there is something wrong with his liver. It came back in a routine blood test. And now he has to wait until the end of next month to see what is going on. If I am not mistaken...And I am not trying to jump the gun here. But liver problems are fatal right? Eventually? He has lost 20 lbs my grams said.
My dad is a big guy. He looks like HHH from WWE. He is a big dude.
So now I feel real bad. And I have to talk to him. I just dont know how. Because even though some of what I said was true and needed to be known. I am ashamed I disrespected my father that way.
His wife and other kids treat him like **** and disrespect him all the time. And he works his ass off and takes it with stride. I dont want to be lime that to him. Because I know my dad is a good guy. I love and respect him alot.
But my shame has me at a loss for words..and courage.
Sorry so long. And if you stuck around and read all this. Thanks. I needed a little venting. Maybe someone can help me get the guts to face my dad and tell him what I really meant.
Who would have thought I would be scared to open my mouth...LOL...
When I got out of the mental hospital...They had put me on a new medication that was suppose to stabalise my mood. Well it made me angrier..more aggressive..and in an aggravated mood everyday all day.
Pls like I told you all...That was my big turning point when I started to open up and be more open minded and really dig into underlying causes that may have played a factor in why I turned to drug use.
My father was a big topic. I never thought so. But I was shown a different point of view that opened my eyes that maybe not intentional..But things he did in his life affected me in a big way as a kid. And they did. But I thought I was over it. Never thought about as I grew older.
He was an alcoholic and beat my mother. As a result...she has been missing since I was 5 years old. She was an immigrant from S. Korea and became a citizen when she married my father. So maybe she was deported. But after he got remarried she just dropped off the face of the earth. He was never around. And when he finally got sober he was too preoccupied with his new family to relise he had another daughter who wanted and needed him.
Anyway..I always thought that because my grams is the best thing that ever could have happened to me. And she is unconditional and if it wasnt for her. Who knows where I would be. And she made sure I had everything I needed and wanted. That all that other stuff didnt matter.
But it did and it does. Even though I thought my grams made up for my loss and pain as a kid. And I had a great life and still do because of her. It doesnt change the fact that when I was in elementary school I was obsessed with wanting to find my mom.
Every asian woman I saw I would imagine was her. I would day dream about the day I found her. And now that I think about it. I did that well into my teenage years. I guess until I started using drugs heavily at around 14 or 15.
Anyway...I never thought this stuff bothered me until the therapist and groups started scratching the surface and just blew it up. I wasnt mad. I just took it for what it was and I am not one to hold a grudge. I may be an angry person and act out alot. But I forgive fast.
When I got out of the mental place..I was told that my neice and nephew werent allowed to my house because of me and that my step mother...who I hate with every fiber of my being...and my father like telling my business to any and everyone who will listen. And not so much my dad but my stepmother is an ignorant gossiping pig. She talks trash about everyone and really bad when she does about her own kids. I mean bad. It's like she doesnt know how to have a conversation otherwise. All she knows how to do is gossip and put people down. Well of course my first reaction was to get angry. And being on those meds made it worse and stop and think was not an option at the time.
So I wrote my sister and my dad very angry emails. And my sister..we arent close and she is an opportunist anyway. So I dont feel too bad about hers.
But I said some pretty hurtful things to my dad in his that I would not say otherwise. And one or two things I didnt mean I was just hurt.
And when he got it..He went to my aunts work and told her about it and she told me he had tears in his eyes. I felt so bad and regretted it as soon as I hit the send button. I dont care what my dad has done. I love him and and I respect him. He has over 20 years sober and he is my inspiration I can make it. Me and him are the only addicts in the whole family. The only ones who ever went the paths we did and no matter what..I admire him and love him more than I can explain. My step mother has got him wrapped and he takes on her persona alot of times and I hate it. She is nothing but an ignorant disgusting pig that sits on her ass all day and sucks the life out of my dad. Not to mention she wont cook for him or clean the house or her ass. While he busts his ass all day and takes care of her stankin ass.
Sorry...Got carried away.
I have trying to think of what I wanted to say to try and tell my dad I am sorry for writing that email. I am ashamed I said that he was dead to me. He came over this morning to put skirting on our deck and I hid in my room...snuck out the back door and came to my aunts house. I wanted to talk to him..Tell him I didnt mean it. And all that runs through my mind when I try to think of what to say is...Do it..Because you never know what can happen. What if he gets killed..dies or gets hurt..or anything and I never get that chance to tell him I didnt mean it and I love him no matter what.
When he left..My grams told me that there is something wrong with his liver. It came back in a routine blood test. And now he has to wait until the end of next month to see what is going on. If I am not mistaken...And I am not trying to jump the gun here. But liver problems are fatal right? Eventually? He has lost 20 lbs my grams said.
My dad is a big guy. He looks like HHH from WWE. He is a big dude.
So now I feel real bad. And I have to talk to him. I just dont know how. Because even though some of what I said was true and needed to be known. I am ashamed I disrespected my father that way.
His wife and other kids treat him like **** and disrespect him all the time. And he works his ass off and takes it with stride. I dont want to be lime that to him. Because I know my dad is a good guy. I love and respect him alot.
But my shame has me at a loss for words..and courage.
Sorry so long. And if you stuck around and read all this. Thanks. I needed a little venting. Maybe someone can help me get the guts to face my dad and tell him what I really meant.
Who would have thought I would be scared to open my mouth...LOL...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Hey Chiy- One easy suggestion....go back through this post and re-read the parts that pertain to how much you love and respect your dad and how bad you feel about what you said. Write or email that to him if you can't find the courage to say it yet. It may not complete the healing, but it sure would be a nice way to start.
Also, I hope this isn't considered giving medical advice, but I know from family experience that not all liver problems are fatal, so take heart there until you find out what the diagnosis is.
You are in my prayers, my friend.
Also, I hope this isn't considered giving medical advice, but I know from family experience that not all liver problems are fatal, so take heart there until you find out what the diagnosis is.
You are in my prayers, my friend.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
(((Trish))) Awesome share, I always find inspiration in honest and openness.
From the Promises, "We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it".
I can't offer you much advice except to say that people respect us when we're forward and honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say to your father. But before you do it, ask God for a little courage and inspiration.
Prayers going out for you Trish.
From the Promises, "We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it".
I can't offer you much advice except to say that people respect us when we're forward and honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say to your father. But before you do it, ask God for a little courage and inspiration.
Prayers going out for you Trish.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
OMG D! You jinxed me! i only thanked you once....but you know what...that seems to be happening to the people who HP has sent to pick me up at the lowest times and take me back to the top! 
Did you know you have angel's wings and they are strong enough to carry us both??? THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
Love ya, Chiy...not hijacking this beautiful post!
Did you know you have angel's wings and they are strong enough to carry us both??? THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!Love ya, Chiy...not hijacking this beautiful post!
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Trish,
I know how hard it is to love and respect your parent, yet still have resentments against them. They are, after, just human. I think that you know that your Dad did the best he could...
Jomey def said it best, pray on it, and apologize as honestly as you can.
You're awesome.
Karen
I know how hard it is to love and respect your parent, yet still have resentments against them. They are, after, just human. I think that you know that your Dad did the best he could...
Jomey def said it best, pray on it, and apologize as honestly as you can.
You're awesome.
Karen
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Thanks all of you. Even though my dad wasnt around all my life really. I always thought of him as .."Hey THATS MY DAD!!!"
I was in an off mood all night at work. And even thought I wasnt thinking about it. I think I am bothered by this and need to get it over with.
I think it will be better to email him again what I want to say and what I really meant before. That way I can really emphasize what it is I want to get across. And it is easier to get everything out in writing.
I will have to think about what all I want to say. Then I will leave it to him to come to me.
All I can do is offer my apologies and let him know how I feel. And let it go from there.
I just feel so bad for him sometimes. I see so much in his face. I see exhaustion...hurt...aggravation...alot. His wife and other kids treat him like ****. And he has taken 2 of my sisters kids and is raising them. He told me once he will never get peace until he dies.
I hate to see him taken advantage of. And what pisses me off more is that he is so use to it. He just trudges along still.
Anyway..All I can do is be me and treat him like I always have until that email. Which is the way he should be treated.
Thanks again everyone. It was always hard to talk to my dad for some reason.
Maybe because I dont know him that well. I do but not.
I was in an off mood all night at work. And even thought I wasnt thinking about it. I think I am bothered by this and need to get it over with.
I think it will be better to email him again what I want to say and what I really meant before. That way I can really emphasize what it is I want to get across. And it is easier to get everything out in writing.
I will have to think about what all I want to say. Then I will leave it to him to come to me.
All I can do is offer my apologies and let him know how I feel. And let it go from there.
I just feel so bad for him sometimes. I see so much in his face. I see exhaustion...hurt...aggravation...alot. His wife and other kids treat him like ****. And he has taken 2 of my sisters kids and is raising them. He told me once he will never get peace until he dies.
I hate to see him taken advantage of. And what pisses me off more is that he is so use to it. He just trudges along still.
Anyway..All I can do is be me and treat him like I always have until that email. Which is the way he should be treated.
Thanks again everyone. It was always hard to talk to my dad for some reason.
Maybe because I dont know him that well. I do but not.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Hon tell him the truth, emphasize your love and admiration for him, you will both benefit from it.
Before you even open the email type it up in word. Save it and pray on it and then wait an hour or so, open it back up and reread it again, change what needs to be changed and save it again and pray.
Wait an hour, pray on it again, open it, read it, change it, cut and paste it into an email to him and before you hit that send button say a prayer and read it again.
Before you even open the email type it up in word. Save it and pray on it and then wait an hour or so, open it back up and reread it again, change what needs to be changed and save it again and pray.
Wait an hour, pray on it again, open it, read it, change it, cut and paste it into an email to him and before you hit that send button say a prayer and read it again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: England
Posts: 1,733
Think it's a very good idea to email him first,reckon he will be delighted.Also you put a lot of emotion into your post so i'm sure you'll be able to say what you want to say.In my teenage years and early twenties i didn't get on with my Dad at all.I gave him a very stressful time and didn't have any respect for him.He died of a stroke but thankfully at the time we had rebuilt a few bridges. By then i was working full time,engaged and had calmed down a bit.But even though we got on okay i never took the chance to apologise for the way i had acted.Also liver problems don't always mean the worst,best wishes Chiynita.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Posts: 345
Hi Chiynita.
Dont beat yourself up over your message to your father. We all say things we dont mean when feeling emotional. And like you said, there were elements that needed to be said so it is best that they are out in the open. Honesty is the only way.
Nothing has been done that cant be undone. I'm pretty sure your father understands where you are coming from. When you reach out to him again to put the message accross in the way you meant I'm sure you will find a sympathetic ear.
Oct
Dont beat yourself up over your message to your father. We all say things we dont mean when feeling emotional. And like you said, there were elements that needed to be said so it is best that they are out in the open. Honesty is the only way.
Nothing has been done that cant be undone. I'm pretty sure your father understands where you are coming from. When you reach out to him again to put the message accross in the way you meant I'm sure you will find a sympathetic ear.
Oct
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Ok..I did it. I wrote it last night. Reread it a million times and then came up to my aunts and emailed it today. I also sent him this thread. The whole thing.
Now it is in his hands. If I know my dad. It wont be long before he starts coming around again. Just a shame his wife is such a selfish drama pig it prevents all of us from getting together like the rest of my family.
Anyway. Thanks you guys.
In my shame ...you guys reminded me that my dad is also an understanding man who does care about me too.
Now it is in his hands. If I know my dad. It wont be long before he starts coming around again. Just a shame his wife is such a selfish drama pig it prevents all of us from getting together like the rest of my family.
Anyway. Thanks you guys.
In my shame ...you guys reminded me that my dad is also an understanding man who does care about me too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 984
I think sending this thread was a magnificant idea. Honestly, that was probably all you needed to send. But I understatnd, you had to have the words directed at him. Such power in your words. I can really tell how much you really do love him.
You're an inspiration for your honesty and ability to recognize where you may have done things differently and reconcile that before it turns into something it obviously is not.
Best of luck and good will
Rob
You're an inspiration for your honesty and ability to recognize where you may have done things differently and reconcile that before it turns into something it obviously is not.
Best of luck and good will
Rob
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