scaredykat

Hi Aldo

little-el

Just caught up on your thread. (I'm new here.) Hope your kitchen job is working out!

Captain Kirk

Hi friends!
My plans working in another country didn’t work out and after 4 days I’m already home again.
The job was ok but I had problems with the accommodation. I was sleeping on a filthy uncomfortable sofa and their was no hot water and then the chap I was staying with said he had to leave his apartment by the weekend and I was left with nowhere to go, so I came home.
Nevertheless it was an experience and certainly a good one for my spirit. It was very difficult for me so I took the A.A. book for guidance.
I have understood how bad it is to be selfish and how destructive it is to try to live on self-reliance.
If I look at most things I’ve ever done I can see how selfishness motivated me. I’m trying not to be so selfish now.
I’ve never really been able to express my anger and disagreement too well. I also have a propensity to be angry at people, and things, and situations, which often I keep inside of me because if I can’t tell them to f**k off I don’t know how to deal with it. I read, and understood, in the A.A. book how anger will ruin us. So I’m working on this too, even though I’m not attending A.A. due to logistical reasons I am trying to put what I’m learning from the book into practice.
During the past few days their have been a few situations which have made me mad. For example, I was talking to a girl I’ve been dating for a few months now and she was looking (I don’t just mean looking. I mean really *looking*. Her eyes were almost about to pop out of her head! It was unbelievable) at this guy and he came over and asked her if they know each other. She said yes. He said no. I just kept quiet and left quickly afterwards. I was so mad. I wanted to call her to ask why she’d done that but I didn’t because I knew I was mad. So I prayed a bit and the anger passed. Then their was this situation on the train where a guy bumped into me. I wanted to tell him to be more f**king careful but I let it go.
The thing is that unquestionably their will be situations where to let it go would be incorrect. How am I to go about having an argument if I’m trying not to pass judgment on others?
Anyway while I was away I went all week without gambling or drinking or even taking any sleeping benzo’s. I was in great physical and mental shape. I was really serene. I reckon if I had of stayed their even a few days longer I’d have been able to quit smoking too.
I arrived home yesterday and I went out for a couple of hours today. I didn’t have intentions of playing the machines but I did. I lost about $300 and I’m left with $15 to last me a week now! Fortunately I have enough cigarettes to keep me going and I have just about enough food.
When I’m here, in my town, I really feel as if I don’t have a purpose. I don’t do anything for anybody. I don’t make anybody’s life easier or better. At least while I was working I was trying to make my colleagues lives at work a little more better. Like this I’m just a lost soul.
My life is so meaningless here that I can’t even make a plan for my day in the morning, like the Just For Today thing says, because my life is so disconnected from anybody else.
How can I do anybody else a good turn if I don’t know anybody who I could help?
And now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to immigrate again (for the third time in 6 months!) or to look for a job here, even though what I can do is limited because I have no qualifications. It’s really difficult.
Still life would be even more difficult if i were drinking, so it's not all that bad.

Rusty Zipper

hey aldo, nice seeing you cumbadda!

happy to see you've been peeling that onion (garlic)

you will find people to give it back too...

seek it, and it will appear!

hey, i'm 53, no qualifcations to speak of too!

so i thought!

your on your way aldo...

give time, time!

xxoo

rz

Captain Kirk

As my financial situation seems to be staying at rock bottom (it's been like this for some months now. cause = gambling) and unless I find a local job I'm going to have to immigrate again (for the 3rd time in 6 months!). Due to hese circumstances I've become quite desperate to find a job. Also because the bills are pilling up and I have nothing worth selling anymore.
I'm looking for any kind of job. I'm not qualified for anything. And that in it's self makes me mad. When am I ever going to drive around in a Porsche or a Ferrari ever again (I know they're material things, but nevertheless). I was always anti-system. I believe we're all just components of a big machine. And I didn't want to join that machine. Now it seems like I'll have no choice.
If it weren't for my grandparents who have been providing for me since I was 14 and who now allow me to survive on handouts if it wern't for them I'd probably long ago have ended up in jail or someplace. The thing is they're old and they're not going to live forever and as generous as their handouts may be, now that i'm not working, they're not sufficient for me to pay my rent and living expenses.
I'm also very angry that my parents help my sister out allot and they don't do anything for me. My sis is an unemployed doctor of psychology. Even though she's not working her car insurance is always paid; she always has petrol/gas in her car; she's never knowing what it may be like to loose her home; she's never short of food in her kitchen; she's never short of money in her pockets.
How can they be so unfair? One day when I'll be totally free of them I'm never going to talk to any of them ever again. stupit *****.
How come while my sis is looking for a job she's allowed to work part-time in my moms bussiness? My mom doesn't even let me stay unattended on her premesis because she doesn't trust me. I don't steal. I never have done. But my mom thinks if i had the opportunity i'd put all her stock on ebay and run away with the proceades!
It's just really unfair. My mom was very unwell a couple of years ago and that got me thinking: when she dies or retires she's not going to leave her bussiness to me. She's not training me. She's training my sis. My sis will know what to do, not me. My mom hasn't even told me about some investment property she's bought, but I know my sis knows about it. So no doubt she won't be leaving me any property either.
They're probably affraid I'll drink it all or gamble it all away!
The thing is, in their oppinion, it's my fault I'm alcoholic/druggy/gambler/addict. When really, genetics a side, they possibly have more fault in my education and up-bringing that has influenced my wrecklessness more then anybody or more then anything else - yet I will perpetually pay the consequences.

tellus

Oh, Aldo. Blaming your family is stepping out into treacherous territory. Did your mother ever sit you down in front of a slot machine? Did Sis pour liquor down your throat? We're not to blame for our addictions; our families, even less so. Please don't let resentment dig you down into a deeper hole.

Take care.

Captain Kirk

I'm just in a bad mood today.
I've had no money for a week and today I had some and put it all in the machines.
I know you're probably right in regards to what you said above, it's just it's hard for me to admit to that today.
Everything seems (is?) so unfair sometimes.
The thing is, why didn't my mom and dad ever tell me if i didn't go to university i'd never be able to get a nice job - like my sis is able to have, for example.
Maybe they did tell me I was blowing it all away but I was too immature or too illusioned to understand.
As a consequence of my past actions I'm now destined to a life of working a crap job (when I'll be able to find one) that I probably won't like; and living an equally crap - but sober - life without any of the things I had (nice cars; nice girls; nice clothes; etc ect) untill reccently.
Untill a couple of years ago I was able to do or buy anything I wanted (within reason). Now I'm just a prisoner to my addictions.
I've messed everything up. If I could go back 10 years and know that in 2008 my life would be like this I would have changed many things.
Thanks Tellus for taking the time to read and point my spirit back in the right direction.:ghug3

Rusty Zipper

aldo, aldo, aldo...

my friend, what we think the system is, and what life is... is not the importance...

its stil that inside job of seeking our soul...

as we do the searching, comeing to grips with our past...

changing old thoughts, and beliefs...

working as a septic tank cleaner can take on new meaning...

do we want a porsche, or inner happiness?

we may not get both!

good wishes aldo

keep seeking...

rz

Captain Kirk

I don't know what to say but I want to say something. I just don't know where to start.
I was so stressed today about my perpetual rock bottom financial situation that I've taken a couple of night time benzo's, at 5pm - with the hopes that they'll put me to sleep untill tomorrow.
Maybe tomorrow things will be diffrent and better. I'll get a handout from my grandparents and maybe, if I don't gamble it, I'll be able to go and pay my satilite bill which is worrying me so much. It was supposed to be paid about 6 weeks ago but I didn't pay it and they've disconected my satilite tv (that's not the problem) and they called a few times and said if i didn't pay it by yesterday they debt collector would come to visit me. It's only $100 but it's $100 I don't have. I have had $100 at times during the past few weeks but I've been putting whatever I had into the machines.
I don't even know why I play the machines. It's not really much about loosing or winning because wether I have $20 or $2000 in my pocket they'll all go into the machines anyway. I know it's bad for me but I can't stop. Maybe in a perverse way I enjoy it. I don't know.
I'm so dispaired about my financial situation. I have about $1500 that needs paying immeadiatly (rent; car insurance; gas; electricity; internet; etc ect) and I'm totally broke.
I don't mean I'm broke as in "i have no money at home, but i can go get some from the bank". I mean I'm broke as in everything's finished. I can't even buy a packet of cigarettes! I have no idea how to manage my own finances.
I've got nothing worth selling (i have a few things which ammount up to maybe $10,000 worth in total but i'd rather not sell them as they're irriplacable items). Their's no body willing to help me (my parents don't give a **** - as long as i keep them out of my problems they're happy). What can I do. I would of loved a drink today but I don't even have money for that. I was craving one so bad I was contemplting going to the supermarket to steal a bottle but I didn't think that was a good idea. I may be many bad things but I've never been a theif.
It's all ****ed up and this can't get better. I can't get better. I'm always going to be sick like this.
This time last year my girlfriend my left me for another man because my benzo addicition had ruined our relationship. I was so far gone most of the time I had no idea where I was or what I was doing. I woke up one morning and she was gone - the night before I'd damaged somebodys propertly while I was out on a benzo influenced rampage. I don't remember much of what I did that night, just bits and pieces all mixed up like in a dream. I almost ended up in jail for that shenanigan! The next day, when I came around, I closed their and then with the benzo's. But it was pointless and too late anyway. Damage had been done. For the following 10 days I went though hell. I cried every day. I had spazms all over my body. I couldn't sleep. I thought i was really going crazy - and all the docs could advise me to do was to take some benzos to stop the withdrawl. It was probably the most psyically painfull period of my life.
During the following months I relapsed on the alcohol after I'd been sober for 7 and half years. I then relapsed on the benzos and drank with them at the same time. I was really ****ed up. I totalled my Porsche. Ruined my reputation which I'd been building for the previous 7 and half years. Lost lots of friends. Was being called reguarly into the sheriffs office to get yelled at about my intoxicated behaviour (the thing is, in a way I'm fortunate I live in a village and the people are somewhat tollerant to addicts and disturbed people. If I had of done what I did in any civalized city I'd have long ago been sent to jail. For example I was drink driving (DUI) every day and every night. And I don't mean I was a bear or two over the limit. I mean I was drunk blind. The cops knew. Everybody knew. But they were kinda nice to me about it. They'd call me into the station, yell at me for 10 mins, tell me not to do it again, and send me home. The called me in for a whine at least once every 10 days.
I stopped drinking last sepetember. On my last drunk I'd crashed this old crap car I'm making do with and I'd broken a finger (seperate incidents). While I was in the ER room for the 3rd or 4th time in just as many months I figuered that something must be wrong somewhere in my life. Normal people don't need emergency treatment on a reguarly basis like that. While they were wheeling me around in a wheel-chair (I was too drunk to walk) I was sitting their feeling like the chap from the Clockwork Orange movie and I decided that if I wanted to live and stay out of the emergeny room I had to not let the alcohol to do me what it was doing.
That was great for a few weeks. Off Benzos and off alcohol the world seemed more peacefull and colourful. I was even felling a bit spiritually better.
Then I'd been to visit my mom for a week. I was waiting in the departure lounge in the airport and a slot machine caught my eye. I used to be a complusive gambler when i was a teen-ager, but I hadnt gambled for years. I walked over to the machine with the intentions of just playing the coins I had in my pocket. I played allot more then just them coins that day and actually won a few hundred $ in the end. Since then I havn't been able to stop.
What probably botthers me most of all is that I used to have everything (within reason). I had nice cars. I had nice girls. I *always* had hundreds $ in my pockets. I had bank accounts in 3 or 4 diffrent countrys. I was able to do anything I wanted. I have no idea how I made so much money - but I lost it all. How could i have been so stupit?? One year of drinking and a the few months while I was on my benzo reprise ****ed it all up! HOW!?
When am I every going to have a Porsche ever again. When am I ever going to have peoples trust so they'll lend me their Ferraris. When am I ever going to be able to take a beautiful lady, not even to bed, but just out for a meal without having to always resort to the "oh damn. i guess i must've left my wallet at home again". I've been looking for a job but their's nothing here.
At this pace I'm soon not going to have anywhere to even live. Where am I going to go when my landlords throw me out. My parents don’t care. They never have done. They’ll only start caring and realizing their mistake when it will be too late if I were to unfortunately die before them.
I don't want to go and live with my dad because we don't get on well. He has a vicious personality. He's like one of them angry alcoholics. Except, to the best of my knowledge, he doesn't drink in great quantities. My mom won't let me go live with her.
My mom and dad seperated when i was 11. I lived with my dad for a couple of years but it was hell. His house was filled with rubbish. His garden was all overgrown and was like a jungle. Everything was filthy. My dad had allot of financial troubles himself during that period and was drinking like half a liter of gin every night. So I was sent to live with my grandparents. Now they're poor. They have a massive house which they can't afford to keep. They have no hot water or heating. It's all filthy and I heard their are rats in the bedrooms too.
If i get thrown out of here what on earth am i going to do; where am i going to go?? I live in a village. Their's no salvation army or ymca or whatever anywhere near here who'll take me in. No friend; no family, nobody. Nobody gives a ****.
When I say it's ****ed up. I mean it: it is all ****ed up, all of it. All my life.
So I've figuered that if for a while untill I can accumulate a bit of money to pay some bills with I'd better stay sedated: take enough benzo's to keep me alseep/spaced out for a few days at a time. Then go collect my handouts from my grandparents and getting spaced out again before i have the chance to go to the machines. It's the only way of accumulating some money to pay them damn bills with - plus it has the additional benefit of relieving me of some of the stress and those terrible thoughts which are killing my spirit.
I don’t even see the point of going to talk with a doc or a shrink. I know what they’ll say “quit the substances. Get a job. Find a girl and everything will be alrite”. But it won’t.
It’s th einstant gratification thing. I need a job now, tomorrow, so I can pay my bills, keep my apartment, buy some food and get a loan so I can buy another nice car.
Just “quit the substances. Get a job. Find a girl and everything will be alrite” isn’t the solution because as soon as I’ll have a bad day I’ll be drinking/abusing/gambling in no time. I need to be reeducated. If I were a program in a computer I’d need to be wiped out and reinstalled.
I was looking at this detox/rehab place here in italy, sanpatrignano.org (their’s an English version of their site too if anybody wants to have a look) where I’d have to go for a minimum for 3 months without being able to leave. 3 months. No internet. No guitars. No friends. No contact from the world outside. But maybe I could come out a free man.
I sent the application form away a few days ago and some doctor emailed me back asking me to call him so he could evaluate my situation better. I havn’t called him. I’ve got to earn a living. How can I fix my material issues if I’m going to be locked up in an asylum for at least 3 months!
The weather forecast is cold her for the next few days. I have about 10 cigarettes left and absolutely zero money. I’m just going to go off to bed and keep warm and spaced out under my blankets now.
My neighbours are weird too. As some of yous know I’m somewhat of a recluse. Sometimes they must see my car parked in the same place for days at a time and NEVER have they come knocking at my door just to check I’m alive and/or to ask if I’m well. Nobody cares. I might just as well be drinking. Whether I’m drunk or whether I’ on the machines I’m always broke anyway. The only benefit of the former option is that these ainful days would pass much quicker and when I drink I believe I’m the friendliest guy in the world. I talk to everybody. I buy people drinks. I make acquaintances with women – I wouldn’t recognize them if I were to see them the next day, but it’s still better then this. I havn’t had sex or anything meaniful with a woman for 7 months. I’m going blind. And if I don’t try out the benzo thing for a few weeks just until I’m able to financially get my head above water things can only get worse from here, as unbelievable as it sounds.
I am ruined.

Captain Kirk

-

Captain Kirk

i'm very sick and my gambling's causing me great problems. you may wish to check out my "where's all my money going" thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1698899

Captain Kirk

After 173 Days I feel off the wagon yesterday. Starting again today. So here I am back on Day 1

Grace2u

Yup, maybe you could. I think you should return the doctor's call.

If you were drowning, and somebody threw you a rope, would you grab it?

Captain Kirk

I want to add some details in regards as to how I feel regarding relapsing on Saturday.
I was so stressed all of last week. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was angry because I have no money; no job; no girl; no car. I was angry at myself because I couldn’t control my gambling.
So on Saturday I tricked myself into believing I was despaired and everything was beyond salvation.
I went to my grandparents’ house. I asked for a handout and announced I was going to drink. “I’ll show them,” I thought.
I then went to the bar where I do most of my gambling. I ordered a bear. The bartender was shocked but did his job. Being angry with the machines too I told the bartenders “I had been on the wagon for 172 days”, as if that would have gotten my money back!
I then proceeded to a pub. I don’t remember much because I was already blacking-out by the time I got there (and that was only after perhaps 1.5 litres of bear). I don’t know what I drank after that. I believe I continued on bear and wine but I may have gone on whisky too. I’ll never know.
At a certain point, I remember, my grandfather appearing. He wanted to take me home.
When I drink I’m arrogant and pretentious. In those circumstances I think I’m king of the world and nobody knows any better then me. I hate the drunk me, I really do.
I remember giving my grandfather my car keys. I just have that memory of handing them over. I don’t know if I was angry at him or if I was causing a scene. I lost my memory again at that point.
My next memory is of me standing by the bar and my dad appearing. He was mad at me. He grabbed me by the throat. I had a glass of wine in one hand. I remember thinking “I won’t react because them people sitting over their know me”. It scares me to think I could have smashed a glass in my dads face.
I don’t know what happened next. I remember the bartender telling me to go home because I was “breaking my grandfathers heart” (his words). Of course, I’m too proud of a drunk to admit he was right. I remember being outside, because it was cold, arguing with the bartender that my life is ruined because of my alcoholism and benzo dependence.
Then I remember I tried to, unsuccessfully, break into my own car (because my grandfarther had confiscated my keys).
The bartender wanted to give me a ride home. I don’t remember why but I declined and decided to walk home, as full as a lord on a busy road.
That’s been the best drunk I’ve ever had. Seriously, in nearly 15 years of drinking I hadn’t learnt what I learnt in that one night.
I now realize I was being selfish before with all my material crap. I’m understanding the financial and moral damage I have caused to my family, especially my grandparents. I’d like to make amends with them but I feel it’s too late. Plus I don’t know what I could possibly do, or even say. I’d like to apologize but I can’t find the words, I feel I’ve messed up too big. I’m too proud maybe, I don’t know.
I’ve was so hung-over yesterday and today. I felt so bad. I did a bit of thinking though. I started to make a list of all the people I’d harmed. I got as far as writing down 3 names before I realized that anybody who’s ever had anything to do with me has been affected by my drinking; my gambling; or my drugs. I felt so bad. I didn’t even continue with list. I thought it would be quicker to me a list of the people I hadn’t harmed! Nobody I’ve ran into is emancipated from the negative consequences I have had on them.
It’s little wonder nobody has any faith in me anymore. No wonder I have ran out of friends. No wonder I’ve never been able to keep interpersonal relationships running for any significant period of time. I’m always thinking about myself. I’m not a nice person.
I thought people thought I was crazy. They’re probably right. Maybe I should quit trying to pretend I’m “normal” because I’m far from being anywhere near their – in reality I’m totally gone!
So that’s it. No doubt about it I’m finished with alcohol and gambling. I just need to get better, spiritually and physically. I’m killing myself, and the people around me, like this. Staying sober isn’t enough. I need to work on the spiritual side of the equation too. I’m so sick.

Captain Kirk

A chap, I vaugly remember drinking with the other night, stopped me in the street today to tell me my behaviour was way out of order on saturday.
I feal so ashamed about the shenanigans I get into when I'm intoxicated. Dr Jeckel & Mr Hyde. I hate the intoxicated me.

Dee74

Sorry I missed this Aldo, but I don't check every thread every day...

I'm sorry you relapsed but, if it got you to think seriously about getting help and about the fact that drinking solves NOTHING and only causes problems, then this last drunk might actually end up useful, hey?....

You need help with all your addictions. I hope you investigate all your options and act responsibly on them.

Good luck
D

scaredykat

Hi Aldo, sorry I missed this. I haven't been on the forum the past couple of days.

I wouldn't worry about making a list of all the people you have harmed yet. Just keep it simple and concentrate on staying sober... just for today. Think about how your powerless over your addictions and how it made your life unmanageable.

I agree with Dee. Look at all your options whether it be AA, counseling, whatever.

You can do this again. Don't beat yourself up over this and try again.

Barb

Captain Kirk

Hi Friends!
Day 20 (already!) for me today!
I just thought I may as well bring you up to date with my situation.
So, let me sumarize how the past few weeks have been:
I slipped 3 weeks ago. Then I had terrible withdrawl symptoms for the following week or so. I was in panic 24/7. It was horrible. Never again. The thing is I'd only been taking Xanax for 4 or 5 days before I slipped off the alcohol wagon too. I didn't think I could possibly have gotten addicted again in such a short period of time. That's a real bad drug. Satan himself in pill form.
I'm still gambling as if there were no tomorrow - I must stop this! - and as a result I have debts up to my neck (not gambling debts. Just bills I've "forgotten" to pay)
I still havn't found a job. But maybe my Dad's trying to sort me out in another country. I live in a beautiful area in the mountains, but I hate it here. I hate the people. I live in a very small village of about 5000 souls - and with no car I can't even escape! They have a really weird mentality here and I assume they all know I'm crazy, so it's not easy for me to have any meaningful connections with other people here. So I don't mind going to work and live in another country. I'm not qualified for much but the only real jobs I've ever had have been kitchen jobs, so I guess that's what I want to do - anything just to get away from here really. If I go to live somewhere where people don't know of my drunk and intoxicated shenanigans maybe I'll make some friends, maybe even meet some nice women.
Last night I meet my ex-girlfriend, by chance. I was just in a bar with my 2 best (only?) friends and she was their with her friends. We'd been together for 4 years. That was the longest relationship I've ever had with a woman. I hadn't seen her for 8 months, although we sometimes talk on the phone. I didn't know what to say to her. There were lots of people there and I just felt uncomfortable. I just asked her how she was and that was it basically. I never see her about and when I did and had the chance to maybe say something a bit more meaningful I messed it all up. It hurt so bad to see her talking with other guys. Had I of been drunk last night no doubt I would have caused a disaster.
Which leads me onto my next issue. I have realized I'm not normal, and I've quit trying to pretend to be normal - everybody knows I'm a crazy insane alcoholic/addict/gambeller. But the thing is without any mind alterating substances I have absolutly no idea whatsoever about how to socialize. I've been relying so much on alcohol and medications since i was about 15 to socialize that I just don't know how to act or what to say when i'm around people in a social situation. I hate being in those situations. I feel so weird. I don't know if I'll ever be able to learn how to socialize somewhat "normally". My old idea of socializing was getting drunk with somebody - anybody actually. I very shy and introverted when I'm sober, but when I drink I belive I become the friendliset person in the world. I talk to everybody and buy everybody drinks and I actually make friends, except the day after I can't remember who my new friends are! Like this (sober) I never meet any new women; I never make any new friends. I just don't know how to.
My social life is so easy when I drink. I'm a good drunk (unless somebody tried to stop me from drinking. Then I become a violent drunk). I've rarly been kicked out of a bar when I've been inhebriated. Neither have I ever had a fight or even an argument when I've been drunk. The thing is I can't drink anymore because I do crazy self-destructive and dangerous things when I'm drunk. I'd like to drink but I know I can't.
What am I supposed to do!?

Captain Kirk

I'm dying for a drink today
My grandfarther was talking to me about my gambling. I said my reason for gambling is because it's just a way to be around people because while i don't have a roadworthy car (I have another one, but it's crap. It has no insurance and isn't reliable) the only way for me to go out and be around people is to gamble. If i had a car I wouldn't be stuck here. But being stuck in a village with 5000 souls who i don't like (and who don't like me) where I have no friends or anything is hell. It's a waste of a life. My grandfarther wouldn't listen to me. So on my way home I was thinking I should have a few drinks, that'll show them.
I have no money (none at all. Nothing cash. Nothing in the bank. I'm REALLY broke!). No food. No cigarettes. Today, if I had the means, I'd drink.

tellus

Small blessings, then, eh? You may be broke, but at least you won't drink today.

You're in my prayers, man.