wow I made it 28days
 

Hi,
I'm Sammy. I'm new to this site. A friend non-user has been using it to try and understand what I am going through and told me about it. Today is my 28th day clean. I cannot believe it. I have been using drugs since age 12. I started using opiates at age 13 and since than have tried everything everyway. In April of this year I started using IV and before that my family just thought I was doing a little partying. My parents had found drugs before but the first time they found needles in May 07 they actually sat down and talked to me about it I laughed and said f*** off. I proceeded to use. I was arrested later in the month and thrown into an out-patient rehab (my parents said if I didn't attend some kind of rehab they would kick me out). I used everyday of my month in rehab. I didn't take it serious and everyone kenw that. I than decided living in my car was better than living in a house and eating once a day (if that) was better than a kitchen full of food. I went home 3 times from in a two month span.. everytime my parents were at work. I went there stole change and food and got out of there. I was so broke. I couldn't hold a job but I knew the ways to use myself to get what I wanted. Finally the police took my car after my parents (who were the 'actual' owners on the title) called it in stolen because I stopped answering my phone and now late Aug I was homeless(since I lost my car), broke, hungry and hating myself so much that I almost just wanted to walk into the police station and turn myself in. My parents always paid my cell phone bill because they wanted a way to get ahold of me and I decided to call my aunt and go talk to her. I did thinking she would understand maybe give me some money and let me use there extra car. Instead she put my 9 yearold cousin on the phone. That little girl was the only person I kept a picture of on me at all times. She got on the phone and said the words that made me go home and actually beg for help she said, "Sammy, why do you want to die? Why do you do those evil things that are going to kill you? I love you do you know that?". I started crying and told her to stay away because I wasn't a good person and hung up the phone. That was on Aug 26. I went home of the 27th of Aug and found that my 2 uncles from st. louis drove down and had been at my house for 3 days looking for me. My aunt (from the convo earlier), uncle and cousin were there, my mom and dad were home and two very close family friends. All these people at my parents house hoping to hear from me or find me or just anything.. a sign of life.

So now it's Sept 23rd and I have been clean 28 days. I have great family support and the friends that care are extermly supportive also.

BUT why do I want that life I had back?

I lay in my bed at night and cry because I know everyone is tipping toeing around because they don't want me to mess up. No one in my family truely understands what I'm going through and why I have good days and bad days.

I'm so scared to let them down again. I hate the fact that I forced myself into believing no one cared when I had so many people worried sick.

why do I still want to use so bad? Not only use but I just want them all to forget about me. But me back on the streets to rot. I just don't want to cause them anymore pain.

but this is enough rambling for my first post.

Hi Sammy and Welcome,

Congratulations on your 28 days clean! That's great!

It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself with regards to your family. Try to focus on yourself and your recovery and things will work out fine. I think you can't control how your friends and family react to your sobriety, but you can take care of what you do each day.

You are a good person and you deserve a good life. Be kind to yourself!

Hi Sammy,

Thanks very much for posting. I am new here, too. I don't have any advice, but just wanted to send some cyber support your way. I felt the pain in the words you wrote and I hope things start looking up for you very soon. Congrats on day 28! I am proud of you!!

R.

Glad you are here ...and safe in your home too.
:) Welcome!

Congrats!!!

Wtg Sammy. 28 days is awesome. For me it took a while for the obsession to be lifted. Are you going to NA??

Hi Tanya,

No at the current moment I'm not attending NA. I am living in the middle of flippin no where in a 65+ community with my grandparents for awhile. They are sick and I needed the away time. I tried NA in my 'attemped' rehab and didn't take it serious either but when I go back home I'm going to give it another try..maybe now that my head is in a better spot to the whole recovery thing NA will be a better support for me. Thanks for reading

The answers to your recovery and my recovery are within each of us. What feels right do it. We all have our own paths to take. I have a huge amount of different things that I use today....

Way to go on your 28 days ;)

Hi Sammy...Great job!!
http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j2...lations_06.gif

AND....

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j2...26c4a7f978.gif

Hey Sammy,
Well done on 28 days clean. You should just focus on yourself for the time being. Dont worry too much about the expectations of your family. If you focus on your own recovery, the rest will fall into place in due course.

Good luck

Oct

Welcome to Sr...
 

Hi Sammy,

It is the disease telling you you want that miserable life back...You probably don't have good self esteem because of your addictions so You don't feel worthy
of life...

Congrats on your twenty eight days of sobriety..All I can tell you is it does get better with each passing sober day...

So glad you found us, Keep posting....

nice to meet you, sammy...keep posting, k

great job sammy!!!