utopianscramble

Just moved to a new area with a new AA. I met a woman here who seemed (at first) very honest, helpful, and interesting.

Now, after a couple weeks here I see that she is in the throes of active alcoholism. I realize she has been lying to me all along. She even had me turning against the whole AA in this area. (I thought they were all crazy and jugmental). The truth, of course, is that this woman has some major problems and she DOES NOT have any sobriety under her belt.

So my question:

How do I handle this woman? I can't be her friend because she drinks, doesn't eat, and lies...but I can't totally say "see ya" because I am fearful for her well being...What's the best thing to do in this scenario.

I know that at the age of 24 (with only 5 months of sobriety) that I am in no position to do 12 step work for her. Hell, I haven't officially done the steps myself. I was being so arrogant to think I could come to her house and help her while she was drunk. Ohh pugh.

Any suggestions anyone? It has been draining me.

miss communicat

Welcome Utopian,

When my previous sponsor went back out drinking, she lied to me for several years, but I knew something was fishy. Her behaviour and attitude worsened over time, she was acting hurtful to me, and she tried to turn me away from AA as well as other controlling behaviours. Being in her inner orbit and trying to figure her out was draining me, too. I had to move on in my own sobriety and let the relationship go, because it was very toxic to me.

Ever hear the saying: "Carry the message, not the alcoholic"?

I cannot recommend that you try to "carry" this alcoholic, even in your thoughts. Carry the message of recovery in your thoughts and deeds, towards yourself first and, later, towards others.

As for 12th stepping someone who is not asking for help:I Pray that their higher power may open their heart and mind to recovery. I pray that they may lose the source of their suffering and find peace and happiness.

as I pray this wish for others, it heals my own heart and mind, too.

TryingisDying

I would tell her that you care about her but your recovery is more important at this time. Suggest she get active in recovery and maybe down the road you might try dating again. But she needs to be clean and sober for a long while. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU not her!

Rowan

Hi,

You really need to put yourself first here - I understand your sympathy for this woman, but you're risking your own sobriety by spending time with her - especially if she's under the influence in your presence.
Jump into service work, and start working with alcoholics who want to get well. Do you have a sponsor yet? That would be a great next step.
Hang on to that precious sobriety - I'm sure you worked hard for it. I'm glad you posted and hope you continue to do so.

Rowan

Missymae737

Hi,

In time you will know who the "winners" are. These are the folks you need to associate with...

I believe that it would be ok to express your concern about her drinking...She may resent you OR follow your path of sobriety...You can't save her...

The best thing you could do is be a power of example...

parentrecovers

take care of yourself and protect your sobriety at all costs. all you can do is lead by good example. blessings, k

eire rose

Hi utopian

She should be fearful for her well being, not you. It is not your responsibilty, you take care of you and she takes care of her. And yes you can say "see ya", why wouldn't you???? You are not doing ths maliciously.

She knows where to get help and hopefully she will when she is ready. Going to her house when she is drunk is not a good idea for you and yeah I am sure that would be draining. The first year of sobriety is about you, focus on you, 12 step work after 1 year, get grounded in your own sobriety.

If she is heading for a bottom then get out of the way and let her, that is the only way here and I am sure you remember how you got to AA not by someone holding your hand?

My AA girlfriend has relapsed within the past two weeks, I knew it was coming and I had to gently detach from her, not because I don't love her but she was in her head and angry as hell. It has been a real learning experience and I am here for her when she wants help but I can't take care of her, I can only take care of me. This is her journey and I am on mine. We can spend time together when we are healthy enough to be around each other, otherwise it is insanity.

Take care of yourself.

Love, Rose

Anna

Yes, of course, take care of yourself and your sobriety.

I hope you find support here and keep posting.

Jersey Nonny

I must have missed something here...didn't get (as others seemed to) that you were "dating" this woman. But, it doesn't really matter what the relationship is...it is toxic! Run...do not walk...away from this situation!

At least you realize you are out of your depth here...and, dealing with an active alcoholic (no matter how much sober time you have) can be extremely draining...it can suck the life right out of you.

There are many helpful slogans in AA...two of which are:

Let Go and Let God (she has a Higher Power...turn her over to her HP)

Detach With Love (but, you must distance yourself from her before it costs you the sobriety you've achieved thus far)

Get yourself a sponsor...one who can help you work through this type of question. He would most likely "suggest" that you stay out of relationships for at least a year...that seems to be the norm. Make lots of friends among the men in your groups. It's a whole lot safer at this stage of your recovery.

Pinkcuda

Say one and only one prayer for her. The rest is up to Her and God. You are not God, so there isn't anything you can do.