I don't know how to know you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Under the blacklight, CA
Posts: 20
I don't know how to know you
I am unbelieveably lost. I go to meetings and I have no clue how to socialize when I'm not loaded. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin. I know that everyone is there for the same reason and my insecurities are all in my head - but I can't get out of my head. I can go to the old-timers meetings and be fine - but it's when I get around my peers - people my age - that I start to freeze & can't function. 6 months ago I could talk to anyone & everyone. Granted, it was the immense amount of cocaine and pills that did most of the talking for me - but I was comfortable, even if it was a facade.
I have 5 months and 14 days of sobriety and I still don't know how to walk up to somebody and introduce myself. I don't know how to pick up the phone and call a person who has offered their hand. I don't know how to ask someone to be my sponsor...
...I don't know how to not do this alone.
I have 5 months and 14 days of sobriety and I still don't know how to walk up to somebody and introduce myself. I don't know how to pick up the phone and call a person who has offered their hand. I don't know how to ask someone to be my sponsor...
...I don't know how to not do this alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
My friend,
You have taken the first step...You have found us and we are happy you have... This is a great place to come to...You will meet lots of folks and build a few friendships along the way.
Keep posting...
You have taken the first step...You have found us and we are happy you have... This is a great place to come to...You will meet lots of folks and build a few friendships along the way.
Keep posting...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Hi and Welcome,
Congratulations on your sober time! That's great!
I do understand how you feel and I am glad that you are reaching out here for help. Alcohol helped me feel more comfortable socializing too. But, alcohol nearly destroyed me. Since I stopped drinking, I don't socialize so much. It's part of learning how to say 'No' and mean it. I realized that I was doing social things that I really didn't care about. Now, I spend time with people I like a lot, or I stay home. Part of recovery for me was learning about myself and what I wanted from life. I'm not as social as I used to be and that's fine with me.
Congratulations on your sober time! That's great!
I do understand how you feel and I am glad that you are reaching out here for help. Alcohol helped me feel more comfortable socializing too. But, alcohol nearly destroyed me. Since I stopped drinking, I don't socialize so much. It's part of learning how to say 'No' and mean it. I realized that I was doing social things that I really didn't care about. Now, I spend time with people I like a lot, or I stay home. Part of recovery for me was learning about myself and what I wanted from life. I'm not as social as I used to be and that's fine with me.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR!
Way to go on your clean time.
have you tried going 15 minutes early to meetings?
Or staying later?
Offering to help with service work is a god ice breaker.
Glad to see you here
Way to go on your clean time.
have you tried going 15 minutes early to meetings?
Or staying later?
Offering to help with service work is a god ice breaker.
Glad to see you here
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi Serenetarium
Welcome!
I totally relate to you. It took me glacially long amounts of time to relax and extend myself, ANYWHERE.
In AA I have found these things helped to get known:
1. going early to meetings and talking to people
2. staying late after meetings, just long enough to say hi to at least 1 person before ducking out. Bring a pen and paper to get/give numbers
3. identifying myself by raising my hand in the very beginning of a meeting when the chairperson asks if there are any newcomers and asking for (women's, since I am a woman) phone numbers, saying that I don't yet have a sponsor or any numbers. You will be amazed at how many numbers you get
4.find a few solid meetings that you like alot, keep going to them regularly for a long time. raise your hand right away and share even if its very briefly, so you dont sit there getting all anxious wondering what to say if you get called on. Just sharing your name out loud is like an introduction and is good social practice
keep posting and reading and let us get to know you here! I love your nickname!
Welcome!
I totally relate to you. It took me glacially long amounts of time to relax and extend myself, ANYWHERE.
In AA I have found these things helped to get known:
1. going early to meetings and talking to people
2. staying late after meetings, just long enough to say hi to at least 1 person before ducking out. Bring a pen and paper to get/give numbers
3. identifying myself by raising my hand in the very beginning of a meeting when the chairperson asks if there are any newcomers and asking for (women's, since I am a woman) phone numbers, saying that I don't yet have a sponsor or any numbers. You will be amazed at how many numbers you get
4.find a few solid meetings that you like alot, keep going to them regularly for a long time. raise your hand right away and share even if its very briefly, so you dont sit there getting all anxious wondering what to say if you get called on. Just sharing your name out loud is like an introduction and is good social practice
keep posting and reading and let us get to know you here! I love your nickname!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 1,768
Originally Posted by miss communicat 
Welcome!
I totally relate to you. It took me glacially long amounts of time to relax and extend myself, ANYWHERE.
In AA I have found these things helped to get known:
1. going early to meetings and talking to people
2. staying late after meetings, just long enough to say hi to at least 1 person before ducking out. Bring a pen and paper to get/give numbers
3. identifying myself by raising my hand in the very beginning of a meeting when the chairperson asks if there are any newcomers and asking for (women's, since I am a woman) phone numbers, saying that I don't yet have a sponsor or any numbers. You will be amazed at how many numbers you get
4.find a few solid meetings that you like alot, keep going to them regularly for a long time. raise your hand right away and share even if its very briefly, so you dont sit there getting all anxious wondering what to say if you get called on. Just sharing your name out loud is like an introduction and is good social practice
keep posting and reading and let us get to know you here! I love your nickname!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Dear Serenetarium -
I am gregarious as all heck. But when I was early sober (I know - obviously NOT a grammar teacher, huh?) I'd be sitting around the club, and talking (or listening) to people and all of a sudden - I *had* to go.
Like my arse was on fire.
I'd just stand up and say 'well gotta go' and walk out.
Same thing on the phone.
I'm the worst 'hanger upper' there is.
Ok, talk to ya later. *click*
Sometimes, it feels almost like a panic coming on ... and I *MUST* go. Right then.
*shrug*
So ... I do.
I can tell you that it's going to get smoother.
The social stuff.
One thing - I learned - I just tell people that.
"Oh my God - I don't know how to socialize any more.'
I did that once.
They laughed and before you knew it - we were all engaged in conversation.
I still have a problem to this day, though - one thing I may never figure out - I can't figure out why people talk about some of the things they choose to talk about.
COngratulations on your time sober - it gets better!
I am gregarious as all heck. But when I was early sober (I know - obviously NOT a grammar teacher, huh?) I'd be sitting around the club, and talking (or listening) to people and all of a sudden - I *had* to go.
Like my arse was on fire.
I'd just stand up and say 'well gotta go' and walk out.
Same thing on the phone.
I'm the worst 'hanger upper' there is.
Ok, talk to ya later. *click*
Sometimes, it feels almost like a panic coming on ... and I *MUST* go. Right then.
*shrug*
So ... I do.
I can tell you that it's going to get smoother.
The social stuff.
One thing - I learned - I just tell people that.
"Oh my God - I don't know how to socialize any more.'
I did that once.
They laughed and before you knew it - we were all engaged in conversation.
I still have a problem to this day, though - one thing I may never figure out - I can't figure out why people talk about some of the things they choose to talk about.
COngratulations on your time sober - it gets better!
outtahere
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 519
Welcome serenitarium, I really like your avatar.
Join the crowd! I think many of us had those insecurities and turned to alcohol/drugs to be able to socialize. I also think many of us have learned that we really needed to face them and now we needed to start over and face them without an alcohol/drug crutch.
You'll get better in time. I hope you stay away from the drugs/alcohol and let the real you shine through.
Join the crowd! I think many of us had those insecurities and turned to alcohol/drugs to be able to socialize. I also think many of us have learned that we really needed to face them and now we needed to start over and face them without an alcohol/drug crutch.
You'll get better in time. I hope you stay away from the drugs/alcohol and let the real you shine through.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 38
Way to go. Your doing great
It may be worth while looking for a small group to work through the steps with. You can develop some trust and confidence in sharing with small groups and develop a few close friends. That is all we really need, is a few close friends. You will be fine, don't give in to your dis-ease
It may be worth while looking for a small group to work through the steps with. You can develop some trust and confidence in sharing with small groups and develop a few close friends. That is all we really need, is a few close friends. You will be fine, don't give in to your dis-ease
Getting out of my own way!
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Looking for a place to turn around
Posts: 257
Im about 9 months clean/sober....tomorrow it will be.....and I am just starting to deal with social issues in counseling...Im starting to reach out a little. It is very very hard for me to pick up a phone and ask for help or to hang with someone in general in a one on one situation....It will come..it is just an area that you and I will both have to work on!
smileyologist and lord of bees
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: mourning smileys near you
Posts: 2,508
I know where you are coming from Serenitarium, I'm exactly the same when I'm not drunk. Can barely communicate at all, I never used to be like that - it's like I feel nobody will want to talk to me and when they are talking to me I just completely lock-up.
You're not alone m8, there are people just like you out there. Post again in this thread and say hello to say how you are doing.
You're not alone m8, there are people just like you out there. Post again in this thread and say hello to say how you are doing.
~ 5 ~
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Colorado
Posts: 305
Truly you are not alone in the way you feel, In a social enviroment I feel like im 2 inches tall and naked, i just want to run away.
Even on here sometimes I will write a responce then reread it and delete it cause who cares what i have to say right?....
I have over a year under me and this sober socialization is definatly one of the harder roadblocks i have faced.
If i have to make a phone call i ask everyone at home "whos gonna be the caller person"......i cant even make a phone call half the time, but some days i force myself to make the call or talk to another parent at football/softball/basketball/soccer practice and in the end feel pretty good I did it.
gonna hit post now not delete
Even on here sometimes I will write a responce then reread it and delete it cause who cares what i have to say right?....
I have over a year under me and this sober socialization is definatly one of the harder roadblocks i have faced.
If i have to make a phone call i ask everyone at home "whos gonna be the caller person"......i cant even make a phone call half the time, but some days i force myself to make the call or talk to another parent at football/softball/basketball/soccer practice and in the end feel pretty good I did it.
gonna hit post now not delete
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Under the blacklight, CA
Posts: 20
Let me just say "thank you" to everyone who has responded. I honestly didn't expect a second glance at my post.
For the most part, I have sincerely tried a lot of the suggestions you all have given me. I don't just go to meetings 15 minutes early, I go 30. And for 30 minutes I sit and stand and lean and pace and chain smoke and refuse to make eye contact because I don't want anyone to know exactly what I am thinking for fear of exposing myself.
For my first 30 days I stood at the beginning of every meeting as suggested by my sponsor at the time and by the looks of me then, I'm sure I silently screamed "justgotsoberandIhavenoideawhatIamdoingherepleaseh elpme." I collected a ton of business cards, got phone numbers and really intended on calling but my anxiety got the best of me and I couldn't stop thinking about what the f*ck I was going to say once someone answered on the other end. I have this completely irrational fear of sounding like a twit. And asking for help has never been my forte. So where does that leave me?
I keep telling myself to take commitments. But that means I actually have to commit to doing something. That means I am really here. The thought of having to be in the same place at the exact time every week terrifies me. Is that absurd? What if I let someone down?
Don't get me wrong - there are people I know from my past who got sober before me and they are always a comforting sight - but even letting them know how stark naked I feel brings about such feelings of weakness within me. And to depend on someone to introduce me to people? Are you joking?! "Bob, meet Serenitarium. Serenitarium, meet Bob." And Bob looks at me waiting for me to say something, anything, and I stand there like a deer in headlights. And then I excuse myself and go back to my corner and wish I could just disappear because that is how I already feel - utterly invisible.
I am dreading 8:00 as it is and my only solace is knowing that my boyfriend will be there with me. Who, by the way, is 8 days sober today (
) AND has already made a handful of friends. Maybe I am over-analyzing and being over-dramatic. Frankly, I don't know how to "under" analyze or be "under" dramatic. I don't even know what I am talking about at this point. All I really know is meetings make me so uncomfortable that I am afraid I am going to use that as an excuse to stop going....
For the most part, I have sincerely tried a lot of the suggestions you all have given me. I don't just go to meetings 15 minutes early, I go 30. And for 30 minutes I sit and stand and lean and pace and chain smoke and refuse to make eye contact because I don't want anyone to know exactly what I am thinking for fear of exposing myself.
For my first 30 days I stood at the beginning of every meeting as suggested by my sponsor at the time and by the looks of me then, I'm sure I silently screamed "justgotsoberandIhavenoideawhatIamdoingherepleaseh elpme." I collected a ton of business cards, got phone numbers and really intended on calling but my anxiety got the best of me and I couldn't stop thinking about what the f*ck I was going to say once someone answered on the other end. I have this completely irrational fear of sounding like a twit. And asking for help has never been my forte. So where does that leave me?
I keep telling myself to take commitments. But that means I actually have to commit to doing something. That means I am really here. The thought of having to be in the same place at the exact time every week terrifies me. Is that absurd? What if I let someone down?
Don't get me wrong - there are people I know from my past who got sober before me and they are always a comforting sight - but even letting them know how stark naked I feel brings about such feelings of weakness within me. And to depend on someone to introduce me to people? Are you joking?! "Bob, meet Serenitarium. Serenitarium, meet Bob." And Bob looks at me waiting for me to say something, anything, and I stand there like a deer in headlights. And then I excuse myself and go back to my corner and wish I could just disappear because that is how I already feel - utterly invisible.
I am dreading 8:00 as it is and my only solace is knowing that my boyfriend will be there with me. Who, by the way, is 8 days sober today (
) AND has already made a handful of friends. Maybe I am over-analyzing and being over-dramatic. Frankly, I don't know how to "under" analyze or be "under" dramatic. I don't even know what I am talking about at this point. All I really know is meetings make me so uncomfortable that I am afraid I am going to use that as an excuse to stop going....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Under the blacklight, CA
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by barb dwyer
Serenetarium - bumped this thread to see how you're doing, and if things are mellowing out for you yet?
in my prayers,
barb
in my prayers,
barb
Thank you for your thoughts
smileyologist and lord of bees
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: mourning smileys near you
Posts: 2,508
Originally Posted by serenitarium
Having a rough time. My fears are getting the best of me.
Thank you for your thoughts
Thank you for your thoughts
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