It's so much worse this time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
It's so much worse this time
So as some of you know, I relapsed last weekend. It wasn't minor-I drank more than I ever have before in one sitting and ended up having a conversation with a friend I have absolutely no memory of.This was on ***** messenger.They sent me the conversation the next day.I was mortified at some of the things I said.What a horrible person I am when I'm drunk. I still feel like a horrible person today.
As others have said-alcoholism is a progressive disease and I'm bearing the burden of that today.The withdrawal from my Saturday night binge has been so much harder than the first time I quit.Yesterday-it became unbearable and I had no idea what to do, so I stupidly did what I know.I drank-again.This morning I feel lower than ever before.I woke up wondering if maybe all of you just have something I don't have?If I am just incurable?If I am destined to be one of these serial relapsers?
I can't seem to make it past day 3.I can't stand how I feel on that day and I'm so terrified I won't get past it again.I honestly don't know what to do when I'm in it.Nothing seems to help me.I spent yesterday out shopping.I knew I had to get out of the house.I bought a ton of crap I don't need.I tried on clothes and thought God you're a fat ugly b*tch.I spent the entire time trying to distract myself yet in my head constantly was thoughts of drinking.I noticed every single liquor store on the trip there and back but promised myself I wouldn't stop at any of them.
I got home and after a couple of hours of feeling insane I got in the car and bought wine from the local store.Came back and proceeded to drink hating myself the entire time.I don't have much of a hangover this morning physically but inside I feel more hopeless than ever before.I could have come to the computer and asked for help.I could have called someone but I kept thinking what good would it do?It won't stop me feeling the withdrawal.It won't stop the craving.
I really don't feel much hope.I am so incredibly weak.I just had to tell you all.I'm not looking for sympathy.I just had to be honest.Thanks for listening.
As others have said-alcoholism is a progressive disease and I'm bearing the burden of that today.The withdrawal from my Saturday night binge has been so much harder than the first time I quit.Yesterday-it became unbearable and I had no idea what to do, so I stupidly did what I know.I drank-again.This morning I feel lower than ever before.I woke up wondering if maybe all of you just have something I don't have?If I am just incurable?If I am destined to be one of these serial relapsers?
I can't seem to make it past day 3.I can't stand how I feel on that day and I'm so terrified I won't get past it again.I honestly don't know what to do when I'm in it.Nothing seems to help me.I spent yesterday out shopping.I knew I had to get out of the house.I bought a ton of crap I don't need.I tried on clothes and thought God you're a fat ugly b*tch.I spent the entire time trying to distract myself yet in my head constantly was thoughts of drinking.I noticed every single liquor store on the trip there and back but promised myself I wouldn't stop at any of them.
I got home and after a couple of hours of feeling insane I got in the car and bought wine from the local store.Came back and proceeded to drink hating myself the entire time.I don't have much of a hangover this morning physically but inside I feel more hopeless than ever before.I could have come to the computer and asked for help.I could have called someone but I kept thinking what good would it do?It won't stop me feeling the withdrawal.It won't stop the craving.
I really don't feel much hope.I am so incredibly weak.I just had to tell you all.I'm not looking for sympathy.I just had to be honest.Thanks for listening.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
Jules
It's so not about weakness.
It's about not hating yourself for a start, and it's about finding other ways to deal than drinking.
I mean FFS, it doesn't even *work* anymore, does it ?
You're the strongest person I know - the idea you can't tolerate the withdrawal by day 3 is bull****.
ok...that's the bollocking over...
I always say lovely things about you and you always ignore them LOL so I'll just say I love you. You're my best friend.
Welcome Home
D xox
oh btw ? I've seen piccies...fat and ugly my ****
It's so not about weakness.
It's about not hating yourself for a start, and it's about finding other ways to deal than drinking.
I mean FFS, it doesn't even *work* anymore, does it ?
You're the strongest person I know - the idea you can't tolerate the withdrawal by day 3 is bull****.
ok...that's the bollocking over...
I always say lovely things about you and you always ignore them LOL so I'll just say I love you. You're my best friend.
Welcome Home
D xox
oh btw ? I've seen piccies...fat and ugly my ****
Last edited by Dee74; 09-19-2007 at 04:00 PM.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
None of us are hopeless, Jules. Sobriety is 100% possible, and it's freely available to anyone who wants it, you included. We're all just an arm's length away from our next drink.
For me, recovery means being active in AA every day. I have to go to meetings, I have to work with other alcoholics. That's been my routine for the last 900+ days, I've never been happier in 43 years.
Thanks for your honesty. I hope you're ready to put an end to the insanity soon.
For me, recovery means being active in AA every day. I have to go to meetings, I have to work with other alcoholics. That's been my routine for the last 900+ days, I've never been happier in 43 years.
Thanks for your honesty. I hope you're ready to put an end to the insanity soon.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Gisborne New Zealand
Posts: 539
I wish I could hug you Jules Im crying mate because you just written what I feel Like you say to me buddy we are worth I know its hard and yes I should take my own advice you know when youve had a period of not drinking and relaspe its twice as bad cause I think you just want that dam fix you want it now but your also full of guilt and anger and all thes other dam emotions,,,"why cant I drink" "dont drink" Dam I bloddy well well drink thats what I do. Guess what I trot down after I drop the kids off at school buy a bottle take the first sip go hell thats aweful at this time of the day but a stuiped part of me go "thats you tho a uesless friggin alkie drink it thats all you are!!" then I finish that bottle go down yes drive!! get another one as Im in my " I will drink when I want to " stage then if I dont get in too much trouble with Chris Im awake in the early hours of the morning with the guilt the hatred I feel for myself the worry of what Ive become. Jules Im here I really wish I could do more for you all I can say is I know what your thinking you are a lovely talented inspriational human being and youve become a friend and all I can do is hold you in the cyber world and say Im here
Ang
Ang
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Jules,
I'm on *****! now if you wish to add me, and we can chat if you like. My user name is on my profile. If you don't feel like talking, I understand.
You're right. Alcoholism is progressive. But you're not weak or morally deficient. It's a disease, Jules. A family disease. You came by this honestly. It's not your fault. But you CAN get well. You say you can't get past 3 days. Didn't you make 60 days recently?
I know how incredibly hopeless it feels to relapse. I've been there, and also thought, 'I can't do this!' and thought maybe I was somehow different. But you just keep plugging along, and trying different things, and little by little, you start putting those days together again.
I care about you and am encouraged to see you posting. I hope you continue to do so. You're a wonderful person.
L
xoxo
I'm on *****! now if you wish to add me, and we can chat if you like. My user name is on my profile. If you don't feel like talking, I understand.
You're right. Alcoholism is progressive. But you're not weak or morally deficient. It's a disease, Jules. A family disease. You came by this honestly. It's not your fault. But you CAN get well. You say you can't get past 3 days. Didn't you make 60 days recently?
I know how incredibly hopeless it feels to relapse. I've been there, and also thought, 'I can't do this!' and thought maybe I was somehow different. But you just keep plugging along, and trying different things, and little by little, you start putting those days together again.
I care about you and am encouraged to see you posting. I hope you continue to do so. You're a wonderful person.
L
xoxo
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
I think Rusty won't mind..This changed my mind about addiction...It taught me it wasn't totally my fault...love you Jules..!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-rat-back.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-rat-back.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Love you Jules, you will do it. I spent 6 months feeling like you are now, I just couldn't get passed 2 weeks. I went to rehab and drank on the way home from it each day. I ended up on a 30 day mega binge and the withdrawals from that were quite something I can tell you lol.
I have 80 days today, if I can do it so can you.
I have 80 days today, if I can do it so can you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
Oh Jules, you can do this!
We are all in this together. I know it's tough, but you can get through it. I got stuck at three days many times. I guess because I felt a bit better, I would think, oh this time I'll handle it and just drink a little. Of course, that NEVER happened. Break the cycle and get past it. There is lots of support here, so come here and read and post.
We are all in this together. I know it's tough, but you can get through it. I got stuck at three days many times. I guess because I felt a bit better, I would think, oh this time I'll handle it and just drink a little. Of course, that NEVER happened. Break the cycle and get past it. There is lots of support here, so come here and read and post.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 197
Jules62....it is so much easier to beat ourselves up, isn't it? the drinking and then the guilt....it's my comfort zone.
i understand how you feel and sometime i wonder, do i need to just go buy a freaking switch and whip myself everytime i screw up.....would this make me feel better? Ouch! I'd be black & blue.
the only thing i know to tell you is to keep trying. that's all i know to do.
Sorry....that's all i have....but i'm early in recovery and i've slipped up a few times in the brief time in recovery. oh, and stay connected. i have that problem but when i stay busy (going to meetings that i really hate, but necessary) i have less time to think about all the reason's why i want to do drink or do drugs.
i understand how you feel and sometime i wonder, do i need to just go buy a freaking switch and whip myself everytime i screw up.....would this make me feel better? Ouch! I'd be black & blue.
the only thing i know to tell you is to keep trying. that's all i know to do.
Sorry....that's all i have....but i'm early in recovery and i've slipped up a few times in the brief time in recovery. oh, and stay connected. i have that problem but when i stay busy (going to meetings that i really hate, but necessary) i have less time to think about all the reason's why i want to do drink or do drugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 984
Thanks for the link there. Scary reminder of why I need to make it this time.
I am so glad we're all in this together. I would hide out in a corner and never come out. You sound like such a wonderful person and you have so many friends here. Someone told me a few days ago ( think it was Astro ) I need to be able to trust myself and to not give up. I'm trying to do that. to trust myself when noone else will. If I can do that I can stay sober. I am going to not drink, just for now. if tomorrow I feel like drinking then I will. That is something we sometimes have to say to ourselvees in order to get by. Even if it's just for the next hour or 60 seconds. Just don't do it right now.
You seem like a wonderful person and I hope that we can just not drink for today together.
I am so glad we're all in this together. I would hide out in a corner and never come out. You sound like such a wonderful person and you have so many friends here. Someone told me a few days ago ( think it was Astro ) I need to be able to trust myself and to not give up. I'm trying to do that. to trust myself when noone else will. If I can do that I can stay sober. I am going to not drink, just for now. if tomorrow I feel like drinking then I will. That is something we sometimes have to say to ourselvees in order to get by. Even if it's just for the next hour or 60 seconds. Just don't do it right now.
You seem like a wonderful person and I hope that we can just not drink for today together.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Gisborne New Zealand
Posts: 539
thinking of you Jules Im lurking here coz I need to remined myself when I start feeling "normal" so to speak what I am and because I know everyone here undertsands the pain and fight Im having within myself. take care
((((HUGGS))))
Ang
((((HUGGS))))
Ang
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