It's so much worse this time
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Jules
I, too, used to have a hard time quitting/staying quit at day 3 for years. Then it was day 14. I have no idea why those 2 hurdle-days were so difficult, maybe because at those points I either felt really ****y or I felt much better and forgot how bad I used to feel....I dunno.
But, I KNOW you CAN do it.
Print out the post you wrote describing how you felt after this weekend and read it every time you forget why you do not want to have that first drink.
I have found that coming here to SR during the time I used to drink really helped me distract myself.
Thats also why I go to nighttimme aa meetings.
Good luck! Don't give up!
I, too, used to have a hard time quitting/staying quit at day 3 for years. Then it was day 14. I have no idea why those 2 hurdle-days were so difficult, maybe because at those points I either felt really ****y or I felt much better and forgot how bad I used to feel....I dunno.
But, I KNOW you CAN do it.
Print out the post you wrote describing how you felt after this weekend and read it every time you forget why you do not want to have that first drink.
I have found that coming here to SR during the time I used to drink really helped me distract myself.
Thats also why I go to nighttimme aa meetings.
Good luck! Don't give up!
for teej as well 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Thank you all for your kind responses and advice.The love and support I get here is overwhelming.I am so very grateful to all of you. It's been an emotional day, but one I have spent sober so that's something.
You all mean the world to me and your belief in me is touching.I'll keep moving forward, with your help.
Much love,
Julesxox
You all mean the world to me and your belief in me is touching.I'll keep moving forward, with your help.
Much love,
Julesxox
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Mary alice, KY
Posts: 122
Jules
I too rlapsed this weekend. I only told one person. I want to tell you because I know what you are feeling. My DOC now is benzos. I drank for 24 years and I did quit after many amny times of trying. This time i found some klonopin and xanax ans some soma that I had hidden for hard times. I had forgotten about the pills. I was probably messed when I his them.I found them over the weekend in a shoebox of all places. I took 2 klonopin. I told myself that I was going to save the soma for bedtime to help my muscle spasms. After i took the k's I really felt sick to my stoamch. I wanted to throw them up and I wanted to take the rest all at the same time. I didn't throw up I let the claming effect come over me and I flushed everything else. I cried and I cried. four months of hard work. many tears, alot of reading, a thouf=dand promises to myself and others all gone down the toilet. I let myself down and everyone that believed that I was going to do it this time. I haven't told anyone except for now. I can get back on that SOB horse and try to ride again. That's all I can do. Killing myself won't fix things. You can get back on the horse too Jules. You can do it. From what I have read you have people here that ruly love and respect you. Draw strength from that. I know the next time a pill presents itself to me I won't hesitate to get on here and yell for help. I know that I will get an endless supply....for that I am thankful..............Viki
I too rlapsed this weekend. I only told one person. I want to tell you because I know what you are feeling. My DOC now is benzos. I drank for 24 years and I did quit after many amny times of trying. This time i found some klonopin and xanax ans some soma that I had hidden for hard times. I had forgotten about the pills. I was probably messed when I his them.I found them over the weekend in a shoebox of all places. I took 2 klonopin. I told myself that I was going to save the soma for bedtime to help my muscle spasms. After i took the k's I really felt sick to my stoamch. I wanted to throw them up and I wanted to take the rest all at the same time. I didn't throw up I let the claming effect come over me and I flushed everything else. I cried and I cried. four months of hard work. many tears, alot of reading, a thouf=dand promises to myself and others all gone down the toilet. I let myself down and everyone that believed that I was going to do it this time. I haven't told anyone except for now. I can get back on that SOB horse and try to ride again. That's all I can do. Killing myself won't fix things. You can get back on the horse too Jules. You can do it. From what I have read you have people here that ruly love and respect you. Draw strength from that. I know the next time a pill presents itself to me I won't hesitate to get on here and yell for help. I know that I will get an endless supply....for that I am thankful..............Viki
smileyologist and lord of bees
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: mourning smileys near you
Posts: 2,508
Originally Posted by Jules62 
So as some of you know, I relapsed last weekend. It wasn't minor-I drank more than I ever have before in one sitting and ended up having a conversation with a friend I have absolutely no memory of.This was on ***** messenger.They sent me the conversation the next day.I was mortified at some of the things I said.What a horrible person I am when I'm drunk. I still feel like a horrible person today.
As others have said-alcoholism is a progressive disease and I'm bearing the burden of that today.The withdrawal from my Saturday night binge has been so much harder than the first time I quit.Yesterday-it became unbearable and I had no idea what to do, so I stupidly did what I know.I drank-again.This morning I feel lower than ever before.I woke up wondering if maybe all of you just have something I don't have?If I am just incurable?If I am destined to be one of these serial relapsers?
I can't seem to make it past day 3.I can't stand how I feel on that day and I'm so terrified I won't get past it again.I honestly don't know what to do when I'm in it.Nothing seems to help me.I spent yesterday out shopping.I knew I had to get out of the house.I bought a ton of crap I don't need.I tried on clothes and thought God you're a fat ugly b*tch.I spent the entire time trying to distract myself yet in my head constantly was thoughts of drinking.I noticed every single liquor store on the trip there and back but promised myself I wouldn't stop at any of them.
I got home and after a couple of hours of feeling insane I got in the car and bought wine from the local store.Came back and proceeded to drink hating myself the entire time.I don't have much of a hangover this morning physically but inside I feel more hopeless than ever before.I could have come to the computer and asked for help.I could have called someone but I kept thinking what good would it do?It won't stop me feeling the withdrawal.It won't stop the craving.
I really don't feel much hope.I am so incredibly weak.I just had to tell you all.I'm not looking for sympathy.I just had to be honest.Thanks for listening.
As others have said-alcoholism is a progressive disease and I'm bearing the burden of that today.The withdrawal from my Saturday night binge has been so much harder than the first time I quit.Yesterday-it became unbearable and I had no idea what to do, so I stupidly did what I know.I drank-again.This morning I feel lower than ever before.I woke up wondering if maybe all of you just have something I don't have?If I am just incurable?If I am destined to be one of these serial relapsers?
I can't seem to make it past day 3.I can't stand how I feel on that day and I'm so terrified I won't get past it again.I honestly don't know what to do when I'm in it.Nothing seems to help me.I spent yesterday out shopping.I knew I had to get out of the house.I bought a ton of crap I don't need.I tried on clothes and thought God you're a fat ugly b*tch.I spent the entire time trying to distract myself yet in my head constantly was thoughts of drinking.I noticed every single liquor store on the trip there and back but promised myself I wouldn't stop at any of them.
I got home and after a couple of hours of feeling insane I got in the car and bought wine from the local store.Came back and proceeded to drink hating myself the entire time.I don't have much of a hangover this morning physically but inside I feel more hopeless than ever before.I could have come to the computer and asked for help.I could have called someone but I kept thinking what good would it do?It won't stop me feeling the withdrawal.It won't stop the craving.
I really don't feel much hope.I am so incredibly weak.I just had to tell you all.I'm not looking for sympathy.I just had to be honest.Thanks for listening.
1 almighty push. Suffer all the pain of withdrawal (it feels unbearable at time I know) and grit your teeth. And just try to stay off it. After a week or 2 you will feel great, but unfortunately feeling good about yourself again carries it's own danger. Starting to drink again.
Let us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 38
Wow, Jules,
Once again, I am astonished at how I so clearly can see myself in what others describe about themselves. And, in your post, I saw me.
I have been through what you describe more times than I can count. I can feel again, the shame and embarrassment of coming face to face with what I had done and had no memory of doing it. That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. In a sense, it is almost like being possessed by some sort of demon, and the only cure is an exorcism.
My demon is my own ego. It has been my downfall all of my life. Often people think of an egotist as being boastful and conceited. For me, it is being self absorbed, but in a negative way. My ego has caused me to spend most of my life absorbed in self-hatred, and most of my drinking has been a way to escape from the cruel, vicious voices in my head that never give me a kind word or a moment of peace. When I would go unconscious, I would have the only peace I could find. Like you, when I tried to stay sober, the relentless torment would send me running to the mall to distract myself with buying something in hopes of making me feel better. Instead, it just created more problems by causing me debt. Then those voices could rag on me about that too! Or, I would take pills, or smoke some pot, or eat junk food, or have sex with people I didn't care about--anything to try to escape my Self!!! Always, I would come back to where I started--still trapped in my own skin.
The thing that has changed for me this time, Jules, is that I have given up. I have come to understand that I can't fix myself. I need help from something that is greater than I am. That all-knowing ego of mine is hell bent on my destruction and has no intention of ever helping me to get well. I need a power bigger than it to shut it up once and for all. We all need to find that power for ourselves. Many, many people have found it through AA. Others have found it in other spiritual practices, groups, people, mentors, or situations.
I have finally come to understand that I have to let go of trying to fix a problem with the same thinking that created the problem in the first place. That is like a blind person trying to show another blind person the way out. I need something to shine some light on my dark places, and that is what is working for me this time.
I also know that we each have to do this on our own. No one can turn your will over for you, you have to be ready and willing to do it yourself, and for many of us, that can take most of a lifetime.
But--there is no point in looking back. The only thing to do is start at this moment from where you are and move forward. I, and many other people here, can attest to the fact that there truly is something that can help us. We just have to get out of our own way.
((((((((((((Jules)))))))))))))
Peace to you,
Cekiya
Once again, I am astonished at how I so clearly can see myself in what others describe about themselves. And, in your post, I saw me.
I have been through what you describe more times than I can count. I can feel again, the shame and embarrassment of coming face to face with what I had done and had no memory of doing it. That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. In a sense, it is almost like being possessed by some sort of demon, and the only cure is an exorcism.
My demon is my own ego. It has been my downfall all of my life. Often people think of an egotist as being boastful and conceited. For me, it is being self absorbed, but in a negative way. My ego has caused me to spend most of my life absorbed in self-hatred, and most of my drinking has been a way to escape from the cruel, vicious voices in my head that never give me a kind word or a moment of peace. When I would go unconscious, I would have the only peace I could find. Like you, when I tried to stay sober, the relentless torment would send me running to the mall to distract myself with buying something in hopes of making me feel better. Instead, it just created more problems by causing me debt. Then those voices could rag on me about that too! Or, I would take pills, or smoke some pot, or eat junk food, or have sex with people I didn't care about--anything to try to escape my Self!!! Always, I would come back to where I started--still trapped in my own skin.
The thing that has changed for me this time, Jules, is that I have given up. I have come to understand that I can't fix myself. I need help from something that is greater than I am. That all-knowing ego of mine is hell bent on my destruction and has no intention of ever helping me to get well. I need a power bigger than it to shut it up once and for all. We all need to find that power for ourselves. Many, many people have found it through AA. Others have found it in other spiritual practices, groups, people, mentors, or situations.
I have finally come to understand that I have to let go of trying to fix a problem with the same thinking that created the problem in the first place. That is like a blind person trying to show another blind person the way out. I need something to shine some light on my dark places, and that is what is working for me this time.
I also know that we each have to do this on our own. No one can turn your will over for you, you have to be ready and willing to do it yourself, and for many of us, that can take most of a lifetime.
But--there is no point in looking back. The only thing to do is start at this moment from where you are and move forward. I, and many other people here, can attest to the fact that there truly is something that can help us. We just have to get out of our own way.
((((((((((((Jules)))))))))))))
Peace to you,
Cekiya
Getting out of my own way!
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Looking for a place to turn around
Posts: 257
If you know that it is such a hard day for you...day 3....then plan something recovery wise around it...meetings, hang with someone sober that will keep you honest....anything to get past that hump....which is a mental thing...
hey its sunny mate a new day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Well hi all you wonderful people.It makes me smile to come in here this morning and read all your responses.Thank you.It's only 8am here-and I'm rushing a bit as I have an appointment with my counsellor soon(really great timing I think!) but I wanted to respond and not leave you wondering about me(it really touches me that you even do!)
Everything said here helps but I wanted to comment on this especially for now
Yes.Exactly.This is what I felt/experienced last night incredibly strongly.I used to be so in touch with my spiritual side and I lost that connection while drinking.I don't have time to go into it right now-but last night I really felt myself let go-in prayer-and for the first time I 'felt' rather than just 'knew' I can't do this by willpower alone.I need God(or whatever you choose to call it) and at the risk of sounding like a lunatic(LOL) He was there.I can't describe it very well-I just know it was real.Something lifted, something changed.....This morning, I feel peaceful and somehow softer inside-if that makes sense?
Wish I had more time to write-but I'll come back later(if you're not all thinking-omg-she's gone mad-LOL)
I am more grateful to all of you than I can put into words.
Much love,
Julesxox
Everything said here helps but I wanted to comment on this especially for now
The thing that has changed for me this time, Jules, is that I have given up. I have come to understand that I can't fix myself. I need help from something that is greater than I am. That all-knowing ego of mine is hell bent on my destruction and has no intention of ever helping me to get well. I need a power bigger than it to shut it up once and for all. We all need to find that power for ourselves. Many, many people have found it through AA. Others have found it in other spiritual practices, groups, people, mentors, or situations.
Wish I had more time to write-but I'll come back later(if you're not all thinking-omg-she's gone mad-LOL)
I am more grateful to all of you than I can put into words.
Much love,
Julesxox
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