fairacres

Hi there. I am new to this site and am trying to educate myself about Alcoholism. I have been researching what has been termed "functioning alcoholics" but still feel very naive and am wondering if anyone may be able to shed some light on what actually constitutes a drinking problem. My boyfriend of almost a year, drinks heavily, every single day. He drinks at least 8-10 beer after work, drinks 3X as much each night on weekends, brings beer in coolers everywhere he goes, (except work) and constantly shows up late for dates we make, (and often when he does show up, he is drunk.) He is a very kind, loveable person. He is never hurtful, or aggressive but becomes very defensive when I ask him not to drink, or ask if we can have one night "without" alcohol. He says I am trying to control or change him. He attends church regularly, chairs many volunteer committees and shows up for work every day. What I do notice is an overall depression about his career path, a feeling of inadequacy in terms of his relations with his more "successful" family members. What I am struggling with is how to confront him without appearing to be argumentative. I feel he has a problem, but I am a non-drinker so what seems excessive to me, may be permissable to others. I have never voiced my opinion that I think he is an alcoholic but I have expressed my disapproval. I am worried about others as well. Driving under the influence is starting to become a trend. Am I being too concerned? What should I do?

CarolD

Welcome to SR!

You are a wise woman to be concerned.

Here is a link that is full of info...

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/ar...640436,00.html

Also...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Take Care

rloomer

I am two days into my recovery and it sounds like you and my fiance are alot alike. The only difference is she left me because of my drinking. I know there's a chance we could get back together but I need to stay sober. I wouldn't do it. I would also get on the defense whenever she said anything to me. She got tired of being an enabler. allowing me to ruin my life and I was taking her with me. If you can see at all where I'm going with this, all I'm saying is I victimized her and I love her with all of my heart. It doesn't mean I don't. It just means she can't do it for me and I can't do it for her. I have to do this for myself. She wasn't able to fix my problems and got tired of trying. Nobody can do this for me. I have to want it and it took her leaving me for me to realize it. Now maybe I'll get to be with her again someday but first, I need to take care of me.

Anna

Hi Fairacres,

Welcome to SR!

It is really a decision your boyfriend will need to make, as to whether or not he's an alcoholic.

It's important for you to take care of yourself and you'll find lots of support for yourself here at SR.

Rowan

Welcome to Sober Recovery from a fellow Canuck - I'm in Barrie.

Hope to see more of you around!

Alive

Welcome!

keep posting!

Pipes Mcgee

Im not going to sugarcoat any of this by saying politically or socially correct things like "Only he can decide if he is an alcoholic". I will spare you that. Yes,...of course he is an alcoholic. Alcoholics are just that,...alcoholics. There are no "types" of alcoholics. Functionality is a PHASE of alcoholism. There are no "Functional" alcoholics. Every alcoholic goes through a phase where they can make it to work everyday, make it to and through Parties and other functions. At this point, however, they are so into their addiction that they can drink very large amounts of alcohol without evening seeming intoxicated. This phase of "Functioning" takes place in the late beginning to "mid" middle stages of alcoholism. After a little while, your boyfriend will not be able to get up for work, he will more than likely lose his job, more than likely embarrass you in public, and the alcohol will be MUCH more important than you or anything else in his life. You say he drinks 8 to 10 beers daily and in a period between getting off work and bedtime. Thats ALOT of alcohol in a very short period of time. Im guessing he drives drunk every single day? Think about it this way,...there are 365 days in a year. If he drinks 10 beers everyday, the alcohol never has enough time to fully leave his bloodstream. So,...though he may not ever "feel" it,...he is in a constant state of intoxication as far as his blood/alcohol level is concerned. That means,....even if he is on his way to work in the morning, seemingly feeling fine, and his, ...say,....tail light is out, or he forgets to use a turnsignal,...and gets pulled over,...parties over,...DUI. And if you drive drunk every single day of the year,...what are the chances you think you will make it the whooooole year without getting pulled over?? Pretty slim. The point is,....he is definitely headed for a drunk driving ticket or accident ,.....or worse. The odds alone say he will. You cant beat odds like that. Is he an alcoholic? Well,...how many people take beer in a cooler everywhere they go? Do diabetics take insulin everywhere they go? Do asmatics bring an inhaler everywhere they go? Do smokers bring a pack of cigarettes with them everywhere they go? Yes,...this guy does have to decide for himself that he needs help,...but that doesnt mean WE are just unsure until he does.

GlassPrisoner

Yup, pipes, A functional alcoholic still has a job. That's all. He/She hasn't lost it "yet"

fairacres, have you been to the Friends and Family of alcoholics board ? Lot's of great women (mostly women at least) over there that can help you work on you and find your own personal recovery.

GrouchoTheCat

I might suggest you read the book "Beyond the Influence", it explanes a great deal about alcoholism.

You may also wish to look into alanon.

Ted

Octoman

Hi Fairacres
I dont have anything I can add on this that Pipes hasnt already said. The description of the progression is spot on. Once he is drinking every single day in large quantities (which he is) it WILL get worse until the only thing he cares about is the alcohol. At that point the facade of `functioning` collapses. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it follows the same path time and time again. As an alcoholic myself I have travelled a long way down that path.

It is also true though that you cant make him stop. Only he can choose to do that.
Make sure you look after yourself though. Thats the most important thing right now for YOU.

Keep posting here and check out the friends and family threads. You are more than welcome here and will get a lot of good advice and support

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, fair. my daughter is an alcoholic and alanon meetings really help me.

about his drinking -

you didn't cause it.
you can't cure it.
you can't control it.

you do have lots of choices as to how you allow to affect your life, though.

blessings, and keep posting - k

leeside

Right now he probably thinks he can make all the right choices. Perhaps she should make him choose between her and alcohol! Then see if he makes the right choice.

If a dysfunctional alcoholic is one that drinks and cant function in life and a functional alcoholic is one that drinks and can function in life; What do you call an alcoholic that has willingly stopped drinking (to me that is obviously functioning by and in itself)?

GlassPrisoner

By my definition, that is not an alcoholic ! To me, an alcoholic is one cannot stop drinking simply by using his own willpower.

PaperDolls

My was a "functioning" alcoholic......moving, slowly, downhill.......she almost died.

I knew when I was in junior high that she had a problem. I was about 12 then. She first acknowledged the problem when I was 23. I'm 32 now and she's been sober for about 5 years. Her sobriety was ALL her. No matter what I said or did she had to make the decision her self. I'd call that willpower.