rloomer

Well my plan when I left work on Friday was to leave my cash here and only bring with me enough to eat and barely get by.

I never even left it here. I told myself that I could do it. I probably could have too if I would have made it to a meeting. I went through 300.00 in 2 days. All of my money. I paid my rent on Saturday and spent 120.00 on pull tabs. I was high and drunk the rest of the weekend.

Of course everyone wanted to hang out with me and for some stupid reason I held on to the idea that when I was out of money they would still be there. guess what happened when I was out of money. Yep, I was out of friends.

I keep doing this to myself. I have ten dollars left to my name to last me 2 weeks.
I ride the bus to work every day and that's not even enough to cover that 3.00 a day expense. I really wanted it to work. I have no family in this state and the only friends I have are users. I was thinking the worst by the end of last night. I read the whole suicidal tendancy report in here and I just feel like I have noone and that's depressing. I can't talk to anyone I work with about it because people tend to frown on people having actual real problems.
Tomorrow I am getting an expense check from work for like 60.00 and I am a nervous wreck about what I'm going to do with it.

I could really use a good bit of advice

CarolD

First...with the check
buy a bus pass so you can get to work.
Can you walk home?

Whatever is left is for food.

Popcorn is cheap and filling...pop your own...not mirco wave.
Peanut Butter and Crackers
Plan to drink water from the tap.
Instant Oatmeal can be made with water.
Apples and Bananas are good.

Tired of messing up yet?

Dee74

best advice I can give you is not drink. And that's not me being an a$$hole - get yourself to a nearby AA meeting and ask for help.

As for the money - I don't know. Got anything you can sell ?

D

rloomer

been there done that and I will NOT sell my golf clubs. I just need to stop drinking like you said.
I am very tired of messing up. I have to go home now but I hope I can talk to you more about this tomorrow. I think a good start is being honest about this whole thing. Feel a little humiliating. Have a good night and I'll hope to see you tomorrow afternoon.

Pinkcuda

Here is a quote from my post when you announced this stupendous plan,

"That is a good plan for now. The more ideal plan is to learn to trust yourself. I'm sure by now you've let yourself down enough times that it's easier said than done. It will come with time if you work for it. Keep the faith!"

FWIW, That is still my advise!!

rloomer

I went home last night and turned on the television. I sat there fighting the urge to go somewhere, anywhere. I don't like being alone I think. I made up my mind. Today I am going to call my sponsor, If he'll still be my sponsor. I think he would be though. He's just that kind of guy. I just, like you said cuda, need to trust myself. I haven't been single for 11 years, and at 28, that's my entire adult life. I really do feel like I just give up way to easily and don't think about conciquences of my actions. I've always had a woman to take care of me. I don't think I "need" one but I do need to learn to say no. No to myself as well as no to other people who are a distorted sence of a friend. I am going to see my Dr. this week to get on that Antabuse drug. Maybe if I think I'll get violently ill it would deter me.

Rowan

Don't fool yourself - many have drank on Antabuse. It works for many, but not for everyone.

Get to a meeting, and ask for help. Then get to another meeting.

Recovery is possible. Don't give up on yourself.

Anna

Hi rloomer,

I'm sorry you had such a bad weekend. I'm glad you're back and still seeking help. When you feel alone, you can always come to SR and sit and read for awhile. There's always someone around, even in the middle of the night. You can also PM me anytime you like. I know it's hard, but you can do this!

rloomer

I really trying to not be so hard on myself I just think about the mental part of the addiction as well as the physical. I know I need a meeting and as soon as I call my sponsor I'm sure I'll be in a couple.
I heard the same thing though, that it doesn't effect all people. I'll give it a shot though and hopefully won't put it to the test. I'm a single guy now and I need to make it work. Before, it was made to work, but I didn't really need or want ti to. I was just going through the motions. I knew that I could slip up once a month or so and still live my normal life. well now I have no choice if I want to have a home and friends. I need to take better care of myself. I know that there are people worst off than me that are doing it everyday, so I do have a little faith, but I know it's not enough

rloomer

Thanks Anna it's nice that there are friendly people when you're down

Astro

Faith is great, but without action it dies quickly. And as we say in AA, "half-measures avail us nothing". Sobriety doesn't come easily, for many of us it's hard work, but the rewards are worth the price we pay.

Abstinance worked great at first for me, following it up with daily meetings and a program gave me a solid foundation for recovery.

Hope you call your sponsor and start hitting those meetings.

rloomer

It's 3 pm now and I go on break at 4. once I go on break I'll call him up and see if maybe he would want to hang out sometime. working second shift though could prove to be difficult for him to find time. Maybe he wouldn't have trouble with it, I don't know. I guess I won't know unless I ask him.

Astro

Sounds like a good plan to start with. On the chance that your schedules clash, have you considered getting a different sponsor, or even a second sponsor? Find something that works for you and stick with it.

rloomer

Well I talked with my sponsor and he was actually glad to hear from me . I haven't told him what I did but I think he could kinda tell with me having to say something. He wants me to go to a meeting with him at noon tomorrow. I feel so much better knowing that there's going to be someone there. I know the program says "We" but as I'm sure you all know that when you're at the point that I'm at it's really hard to not feel alone. I feel alone all the time and just knowing that he's going to be there for me helps with that. It actually makes me feel not so alone. You guys have been here for me too these last few days and that really helps too so to all of you with an opinion or a kick in the @ss when I need one,, Thanks. I know that on the road to recovery I will have to say thanks alot and I can't think of a better place to share the first one.

Astro

THANK YOU! We've gotta give it away to keep it, reaching out to others is what makes it work.

I went through my first five months of sobriety refusing to even consider the 12 Steps, and feeling very alone. Pretty amazing to feel alone in meetings with over 100 people in attendance. What worked for me was holding onto my chair with both hands until every meeting ended, eventually the miracle happened and my recovery started to fall into place once I was willing to do the work.

Keep it up, you're doing just fine.

rloomer

I'm willing to do whatever work is necessary to stay alive. I wrote before that all the things that I would kill or die for I was allowing drugs and alcohol to take away right out from under me. Slowly but surely those things were falling apart and I didn't care. A know it sounds ridiculous but I think I need someone to care in order for me to make it. I hope I'll be able to find more than one at my meeting tomorrow. I just feel better knowing that I'm going to one. I need to stick to it and Not be afraid to be me. I hate who I have become in such a short amount of time and I know I used to love being me. It all changed in an instant it seems.
I can see light at the end of the tunnle though and look forward to talking about everything here.

Astro

Cool pic for you avatar! Chillin' by the BBQ?

Yep, I can relate, but I know now that alcohol didn't take anything away. I gave away my marriage, home, and the relationship I had with my children every time I picked up a drink. But sobriety gave me back everything I need to live a rich and full life. My children and I are closer than ever, and most importantly I go to meetings every night where there are people who care about me. They're my family, and I care deeply for them too.

If I make it to bed tonight without taking a drink, I'll wake up sober tomorrow and live this dream all over again. It's a pretty cool way to live.

rloomer

I know that for the fisrt time in three weeks I did actually wake up sober today and it felt weird. It felt like it was ok to be awake and to go to work like normal. I go to work everyday it's just that the quality of my work has diminished. I have givin up alot of things that are going to take a while to get back but I hope to be as successful as you are Astro. "I know it can be done." That's what I've been saying to myself all day long. I may not have any money but I have a roof over my head and a great website to help me for now. In fact this website encourages me to go to work. It's been dead here the last month or so and it gives me reassurance that there's hope. Then I talk to people like you who really point out the things I need to hear. I also know that if I make it through the rest of the day without a drink, I'll wake up again and feel the same way I did today. The only difference will be that I'll have three days sober instead of two.

Astro

I wouldn't call it success, but I like to think that sobriety and recovery are the greatest gifts I could receive.

Look forward to hearing more positive thinking from you tomorrow, rloomer.

rloomer

That is me on the patio I installed at our home before I was kicked out. I really am a good guy when I'm sober. She even told me she was dissapointed that she couldn't help the one guy she finally met that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Broke my heart. I used that grill everyday, summer or winter. more fun in the winter though.