I'm here for some reason.... Help me find it..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 4
I'm here for some reason.... Help me find it..
Last Monday someone died that I really loved and admired. They said he took a bad combo of pills. I've been feeling horrible ever since. I feel terrible that he is gone, he was amazing. I knew of his problem and he knew of mine. And now the only person that knows about my problem is dead. I don't want to die like that. I am going through withdraw right now and feel like crap. I'm so emotional. My head is racing and feel so alone in this world. I don't know what to do. I wanna take the pills so bad. I can't get rid of them, I'm not strong enough.
Coffee Drinker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lobstah Land
Posts: 1,122
It is always incredably hard when someone close to us passes away.
There is a forum here on grief, I don't know how many visit there...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/
One thing, you're not alone. Just keep posting.
Welcome to SR,
Ted
There is a forum here on grief, I don't know how many visit there...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/
One thing, you're not alone. Just keep posting.
Welcome to SR,
Ted
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Mary alice, KY
Posts: 122
I am sorry for the loss of your friend. I lost me son last year to drugs. I used alot after that but i had to quit in order to come to terms with his death and to start to heal. Do you think that your friend would want you to continue using? Did he ever try to get you to quit? If so...now is the time to quit. Do it for your friend.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I am sorry for your loss.
(+) (+) (+)
Hugs and Healing Prayers for you
You now have a special angel to help
with your new healthy future.
You may need a medically supervised De Tox.
Please be safe.
(+) (+) (+)
Hugs and Healing Prayers for you
You now have a special angel to help
with your new healthy future.
You may need a medically supervised De Tox.
Please be safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 4
I hate feeling like this. I'm not scared when I take my pills, they make me feel so brave, I have a hard time dealing with everyday life, they make it easier for me. I'm so ashamed of myself. I can't get through the day with out them. My sweet friend who died was the same way. He told me he felt naked without them and thats how I feel. I don't wanna die like him. I'm scared. I can't stop crying, I keep thinking about him and about my mother who was a drug addict. And most of my life begging her to get clean and now look at me.
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
You can stop, or you wouldn't be here..I don't know what you believe in, but i believe in you, and that tells me you're worthy and you can pick yourself up from a very dark place and change things..It's never going to be easy, for some it is the battle of a life, but it's worth winning...
Coffee Drinker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lobstah Land
Posts: 1,122
I am glad you are here and I may not know you, but I can feel your pain because I have been there. I care about you because I found a way out and I know you can too.
If you need to, go to the emergency room and level with the doctors.
There is more help available than you can probably imagine right now.
All you need do is ask...
Prayers,
Ted
If you need to, go to the emergency room and level with the doctors.
There is more help available than you can probably imagine right now.
All you need do is ask...
Prayers,
Ted
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Hi and Welcome,
I am very sorry for the loss of your friend.
You can begin to free yourself and move forward in recovery. It is scary to think about, but talk to your dr and I hope you make a decision to stay sober.
I am very sorry for the loss of your friend.
You can begin to free yourself and move forward in recovery. It is scary to think about, but talk to your dr and I hope you make a decision to stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
I am so sorry for your loss. I heard a story the other day which is very similar to yours and it stuck with me....In short, a man lost his best friend in the 9/11 attacks...all he wanted to do was to drink..he got in his car reached in his pocket for his keys and pulled out his 30 day chip..the chip his friend gave him many months before...stopped him cold...he knew his friend wouldn't want him to drink so he honored his friend by not. Your friend would want you to be free...do it for him if you can't do it for yourself right now. Stay close to the board, don't use today...God Speed to you.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I am so sorry that happened.
Loss is the hardest thing to deal with I think.
But medicating is not the answer.
And like the above states...I am sure your friend wouldnt want it that way.
Glad you are hear.
Loss is the hardest thing to deal with I think.
But medicating is not the answer.
And like the above states...I am sure your friend wouldnt want it that way.
Glad you are hear.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 4
I haven't used in 2 days. I can say I feel better. I'm not crying every second. I miss him so much. He was such amazing person. I wish he knew that. I still take my sleeping medication. I never abuse that. It just makes me sleep. I've had a sleeping problem since I was a kid. I hate taking any pills. But I've tried everything. My head just races at night.
I don't know about today. I'm already feeling nervous about going into work. Although I want to try. I want to try really hard to face my life with a clear head. I'm shy and insecure. I feel like a bad person. When I pop a painkiller it does just that in more ways than one. I started taking pills in 2003 I stated having gallbladder attacks, they gave me a shot, 15 minutes later I feel it, my eyes close and my head tilts back and I say to myself Oh my God, this is what ecstasy feels like....
They gave me painkillers incase I had anymore attacks and I hardly took them. Then I had to get my gallbladder out, I had Pancreatitis, so they had to get that under control. I was not a drinker or smoker nor did I do any drugs in about 5 years. It was from bulimia. Which I have under control now. They gave me that shot every 4 hours, it felt amazing to me. 4 days of being so high nothing could even touched me, I wasn't even sad about it being Christmas. They took my gallbladder out. I stop taking pain killers but never forget how good they made me feel.
Two years later I start having cramps from hell followed by intense bleeding, I was giving painkillers for this. I start taking them. Not everyday, I still go months without them. 2006, I start working out everyday I feel strong and alive and happy. BAM I hurt my back so bad I can't walk. In bed for months, the painkillers help. I start wanting them more and more. The doctor tells me I have to get surgery for my back. I say hell no, I want the pills. Since 100 lasts me three months, I nor my doctor think I have a problem. This goes on till August 2007
8-8 I was in a terrible auto accident. Someone slammed into my friend who was driving. They hit my side, I slammed my head into the window and my neck jerked. I have a neck sprain and a concussion. My 100 pills last me less than 2 weeks.
It just seems like these "in a split second" experiences completely change my life, I'm so damn afraid to see what happens next. My boyfriend of 4 years left me, auto accident, friend dies. All in 6 weeks. When I was younger it was father beats mother, I beat on my father to get him to stop, a six year old carries small fists but a madness I couldn't control when i saw him hurting my mother, He hasn't hit her since, mother ODed, father tries to kill with a knife me when he is drunk, mother's boyfriend comes after me and tries to hurt me for throwing him down the steps after he tries to hurt my mother. boyfriend shoots and kills himself, Mother goes crazy and cuts me, father drunk tells me I'm not his daughter, wishes I was dead. (He is really my father is was just drunk as hell.) I go nuts and can't leave the house for 3 years. All that is over now. It's hard to forgive and forget. I have forgave them and still love them dearly. They went to rehab and are clean now. I have picked myself up only to knock myself down by taking these pills. It's hard to love myself. It's hard to believe in myself. It's hard for everybody. I don't know what to do. I feel so sick right now.
Thank you all so much. Kind words like that last long in my heart. I have no idea why I wrote all that. I am in pain daily, the past two days have been f--king terrible. I am going to try. I will try, if not for myself then for my sweet friend. In my dream last night he was singing to me. He looked so beautiful. Here come the tears.
I don't know about today. I'm already feeling nervous about going into work. Although I want to try. I want to try really hard to face my life with a clear head. I'm shy and insecure. I feel like a bad person. When I pop a painkiller it does just that in more ways than one. I started taking pills in 2003 I stated having gallbladder attacks, they gave me a shot, 15 minutes later I feel it, my eyes close and my head tilts back and I say to myself Oh my God, this is what ecstasy feels like....
They gave me painkillers incase I had anymore attacks and I hardly took them. Then I had to get my gallbladder out, I had Pancreatitis, so they had to get that under control. I was not a drinker or smoker nor did I do any drugs in about 5 years. It was from bulimia. Which I have under control now. They gave me that shot every 4 hours, it felt amazing to me. 4 days of being so high nothing could even touched me, I wasn't even sad about it being Christmas. They took my gallbladder out. I stop taking pain killers but never forget how good they made me feel.
Two years later I start having cramps from hell followed by intense bleeding, I was giving painkillers for this. I start taking them. Not everyday, I still go months without them. 2006, I start working out everyday I feel strong and alive and happy. BAM I hurt my back so bad I can't walk. In bed for months, the painkillers help. I start wanting them more and more. The doctor tells me I have to get surgery for my back. I say hell no, I want the pills. Since 100 lasts me three months, I nor my doctor think I have a problem. This goes on till August 2007
8-8 I was in a terrible auto accident. Someone slammed into my friend who was driving. They hit my side, I slammed my head into the window and my neck jerked. I have a neck sprain and a concussion. My 100 pills last me less than 2 weeks.
It just seems like these "in a split second" experiences completely change my life, I'm so damn afraid to see what happens next. My boyfriend of 4 years left me, auto accident, friend dies. All in 6 weeks. When I was younger it was father beats mother, I beat on my father to get him to stop, a six year old carries small fists but a madness I couldn't control when i saw him hurting my mother, He hasn't hit her since, mother ODed, father tries to kill with a knife me when he is drunk, mother's boyfriend comes after me and tries to hurt me for throwing him down the steps after he tries to hurt my mother. boyfriend shoots and kills himself, Mother goes crazy and cuts me, father drunk tells me I'm not his daughter, wishes I was dead. (He is really my father is was just drunk as hell.) I go nuts and can't leave the house for 3 years. All that is over now. It's hard to forgive and forget. I have forgave them and still love them dearly. They went to rehab and are clean now. I have picked myself up only to knock myself down by taking these pills. It's hard to love myself. It's hard to believe in myself. It's hard for everybody. I don't know what to do. I feel so sick right now.
Thank you all so much. Kind words like that last long in my heart. I have no idea why I wrote all that. I am in pain daily, the past two days have been f--king terrible. I am going to try. I will try, if not for myself then for my sweet friend. In my dream last night he was singing to me. He looked so beautiful. Here come the tears.
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