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Coming out sideways.......

Old 09-15-2007, 08:50 AM
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Coming out sideways.......

Since I've stopped drinking (coming up to 7 months now), I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I guess in AA terms this is restless , irritable and discontented.

I've suffered from Anxiety badly before - I was on Lexapro for 3 years - but I stopped taking them when I was in re-hab as I was of the impression that my drinking was exacerbating the anxiety (causing panic attacks- yuk they are horrible). Since I have been sober I haven't had a panic attack - but I still get way anxious.

I have been monitoring my behavior and have noticed that I am still seeking comfort in things outside of myself - like alcohol (did), they only work for a very short period of time - or even not at all - I get myself convinced that if I 'do this' or 'buy that' or 'eat a tub of ice cream' - I will feel better - but I rarely do.

I've put on 12kgs since being sober. I don't exercise - even though I used to love it.

I eat sh1t food - last week I ate a whole jumbo size pizza every night ! That's just disgusting !

I have being buying heaps of stuff on e-bay - (getting excitement from bidding on stuff, buying it - then realising that it's crap or I didn't really need it.

I'm smoking (cigs) more than I have ever done

My house looks like a bomb has hit it - feel like I am living in squalor.

None of this behavior I have done before or even thought about before. So I had a think about it and talked to my councilor about it - and it's definitely as a result of me trying to do things to make me feel more comfortable - Swapping the Witch for the Bitch as they say....

It's really pissing me off that I can't be comfortable within myself.

I am doing my bestest best to follow the suggested things - ie - Going to lots of meetings, got a sponsor, member of a homegroup (am secretary there now), doing a steps group - just finished step 5 with my sponsor - pray every night.

When does this un-comfortability go away ??

I haven't shared this at meetings as I am fearful of what other's will think - which is ridiculous as I know there is very little judgement in the rooms.

I have broached this with my sponsor, and therapist as mentioned - but all they really say is that they are not surprised and as long as I am not drinking it is all good.

I just want it all to go away, so I can be healthy, happy at peace and contented - (most of the time anyway)

Any suggestions anyone ??
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Old 09-15-2007, 08:56 AM
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Thanks for your post Aristo. I cannot offer any advice, I just wanted to thank you for showing me that I am not alone in how I feel at the moment. I am 9 months sober and still get panic attacks and bad anxiety. I'll be watching this thread with interest.
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Old 09-15-2007, 09:00 AM
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Hi Astro,

Congratulations on 7 months sober! Be proud of yourself.

What I had to do in recovery was to begin to like/love myself. I never had and there was no self-respect - hence the alcholism. If you care for yourself, you will not be inclined to live in a messy house or to eat junk food. I think recovery involves working physically, mentally and spiritually every day. I need all three in order to move forward.

Try to start slowly and maybe begin by eating well for a week. Then add a moderate exercise program. You'll be able to feel better about yourself and to move forward.
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Old 09-15-2007, 09:07 AM
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Gee...I don't know as this has not been my experience.

Here is my opinion tho..
Take one destructive behavior to change
I'd start with cleaning up the house.

I feel better when my space is neat.

Then...food. Make an effort to eat more healthy.
Junk food throws your body and mind out of balance.

Sorry....that's all I can think of.
Blessings
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Old 09-15-2007, 09:32 AM
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When I get depressed with or without alcohol I tend to over indulge in everything... What ever is around. My motivation goes out the window and my house turns into a dung heap lol... The only cure is to start by setting one goal at a time. The first goal I accomplish usually gives me the boost of confidence I need to move to the next goal and so on...

I went to my first meeting thursday and I think what sums it up is "relearning how to live" Its like everything used to revolve around our addiction, now that that addiction is gone you have to figure out how to live again without it.
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Old 09-15-2007, 10:00 AM
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Great job on 7 mos. Yes..Be very proud.
I know what you are talking about.
I usually switch from using to over eating.
Replacing one habit with another.
I never thought of it as soothing myself in another form.
HMM..You have made me think here.
But it usually goes away after like a month and I feel better by being more involved with my family.
I got lots of family and plenty kids to keep me busy. Not mine..My cousins kids.
I am really hating it because as a result of me totally being an idiot and letting things get really bad this year. I am without my phone...cable..and internet right now. Which is really trying on my boredom.
But I have also noticed...I am keeping up on my neatness and dabbling around the house to stay busy and keep my mind off drugs.
But I am only in the very very early stages.
I wonder if I too will get over trying to stay busy for now and go back to over endulging in some way later down the line.

All I can tell you is you should be very comfortable with yourself and proud.
Staying clean is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And 7 mos is fantastic!!
I am sure it will pass as everything else does.

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Old 09-15-2007, 10:06 AM
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When does this un-comfortability go away ??

I haven't shared this at meetings as I am fearful of what other's will think - which is ridiculous as I know there is very little judgement in the rooms.

I have broached this with my sponsor, and therapist as mentioned - but all they really say is that they are not surprised and as long as I am not drinking it is all good.

I just want it all to go away, so I can be healthy, happy at peace and contented - (most of the time anyway)

Any suggestions anyone ??
I've heard it said, "When you take away the alcohol from the alcoholic, you'd better have something to replace it." I'm pretty sure they're referring to AA meetings, 12 Steps/Traditions/Promises, etc. You seem to have found a ton of things, much of which is unhealthy/undesirable.

If you want to make changes, you need to have a plan of action. What I find helps is "taking inventory" and making a list, perhaps in the order of importance. As you work through/accomplish each item, you can cross off and move on. Sometimes, I have to revise the list; but, I always try to have the feeling that I am doing something productive. Try it...hopefully it will work for you, as well.
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Old 09-15-2007, 12:15 PM
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When does this un-comfortability go away ??
A lot of that 'un-comfortable' feeling left after I did m 4th and 5th Steps. That BIG HOLE in my gut, you know, the one big enough to drive an 18 wheeler through, CLOSED UP and I finally started feeling comfortable in my own skin for the first time in many years.

Share at your meetings and you will be amazed not only at the ES&H you but the help that will be offered from those that have been where you are now.

J M H 0

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-15-2007, 12:24 PM
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Hi,

As for eating junk food and to excess, yesterday I had one of those days that I felt the need for sugar...I ate a whole bag of Twix candy bars...It felt great consuming them, but I sure feel quilty today...

Exercise is a great way to replace alcohol but I do that in excess!!!

Still, better the bag of candy than waking up hungover and guilty because I know I did something out of the ordinary...
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Old 09-15-2007, 12:29 PM
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Sounds like depression to me, as you said, other ways/behaviors to make me feel better.

Shopping, food, stuff like that, I tend to do when I am depressed.

I like Carol's idea, clean your space first. Then maybe start some light excercise. Remember, we were made to walk. Walking works wonders for me. Also, you should keep your gaze focused on the far horizon.

The program also says frequently that the best way to get 'out of yourself', is to work with others...

Random thoughts from Ted
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Old 09-15-2007, 12:31 PM
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It sounds like you're a compulsive person who is unintentionally sabotaging recovery. I apologize if i'm wrong or if I sound harsh. All these things that you're doing: smoking cigs, eating junk, keeping messy house - are all symptomatic of an unhealthy lifestyle change. Granted, you are SOBER, which is GREAT.

Now that you've removed a huge compulsion (ADDICTION), you gotta fill it with something positive. No fairy is going to tell you what to fill it with. If you *choose* to fill that void with pizza, smokes and sh1t, then you will feel like pizza, smoke and sh1t. Hate to be frank.

My philosophy is most people live in their comfort zone. It's when you stretch yourself outside of your comfort zone that you Learn and Grow as a person.

I won't just tell you that you're coping incorrectly. I'm not malicious like that (today lol). Really, it is up to you to find the *positive* coping behaviors to fill that large void. For me, I exercise, eat right (nutritionists will swear to you what you eat changes the way you feel!), and treat myself right.

Ask yourself, what do you REALLY enjoy?? Secondly, the thing you enjoy, is it positive? If it is, I SAY WHY ARE YOU WAITING TO DO IT? Recovery is a journey back to happiness. Find what that is for you!!

Best,
Dave
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Old 09-15-2007, 12:38 PM
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Hi Aristo,

Great thread title and thanks for sharing. It helps us all.

My house is a tip as well and I eat quite bad food and do no exercise. I smoke more than I used to as well and I eat a lot of sweet stuff. I even have it stashed in my bag for emergencies. When someone asks me what I enjoy I can't answer. Not yet anyway. I took a huge step last week when I threw out a dish I didn't like that someone gave me ages ago. Just realising I was making a decision about whether or not I like something was absolutely fantastic.

I came from an alcoholic home so survival was based on making sure I knew what other people liked.

Sometimes we have to work hard and fast at the steps and sometimes, life changes need to be taken gradually lest we spin out of control.

But I don't have to have a drink today - I have been given freedom from even wanting one. That's pretty cool. In fact that's absolutely f*****n amazing. The other stuff isn't going to send me insane and I won't die from it in the short term. I am hoping that as my recovery progresses, I will become healthy living, early morning action woman with abs of steel and spinach in my tummy and a house you could photograph any day of the week.

In the meantime, it's OK. I am comfortable with my non performance in some areas. It's OK.

The housework will get done at some stage. I have days when I really enjoy putting on some good music and seeing a nice clean house at the end. Sometimes, when it gets a bit much, I hire a student to give me a hand.

Another thing I do that seems to help is that I pray that I will have the opportunity to help someone today so I don't stay in that uncomfortable place I go when I am alone with my head. It usually works. There are lots of people we can support and help if we look and seek.

I am going to a new AA meeting today. It's at the detox. I am a bit nervous about it. It will be like looking back in time I think.

Be good to yourself ok? Progress not perfection right?
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Old 09-15-2007, 07:27 PM
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Hi Folks - thanks for all he advice - And don't worry about being too harsh - I may need to hear it like that.

I seem to have lost a lot of my motivation. I had thought about depression... I am also getting bad headaches still - 5-6 times a week. I went to the Doc who asked me if I was depressed - How the hell am I supposed to know ? I don't feel that I am depressed - but I haven't ever been depressed before so I don't know what it feels like.

But I'm sure the headaches can be partly (at least) attributed to my bad eating and smoking and lack of exercise. He put me on Isoptin - which is a high blood pressure drug (I don't have high blood pressure) but is meant to help with chronic headaches. Been on it now for 3 weeks and still get headaches although not as much now.

I do get spurts of enthusiasm - but they are few and far between - For instance - I did tidy my place yesterday (first time in like 2 months) - It's better but not perfect.

And I joined the gym - but have only been 3 times for Yoga..... Was meant to go today - but I slept in till 10:30am (I am doing that a lot too - sleeping in way too much).

I have the knowledge - I know what I doing wrong (for god's sake, I used to be a personal trainer). I am severely lacking in motivation....

I'm sitting here thinking - ' I can go to the gym, all I have to do is get changed, get in my car and go to the gym - it's really simple' - but I justify myself every reason NOT to go. Same with the housework and eating well.

Last night - I promised myself that I wouldn't drink coffee or smoke cigs - just for today - only today - but AS SOON as I got up - I had a coffee and lit up a cig. The promise came back - and I thought F**K it - now I am feeling low and kind of demoralised.

I think to myself - What if this was someone else coming to me with these problems - what would I say to them - what would I do ? And I come up with all the right answers (I am very good at giving excellent advice to others, not so good at actually practicing what I preach).

I think I will just keep writing about this in this thread - listen to others - talk to it more openly and honestly with my sponsor - and take some baby baby steps...

Right - what will I do now ? Ummmmmm.. My brain is going - have another coffee and cig, then have a shower (I should do it the other way around as a may not feel like a cig and coffee after the shower).

Powerlessness sucks......
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Old 09-15-2007, 08:24 PM
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wow this looks like something i could had written at 6-7 months. i remember feeling like that exactly. complete change doesnt happen over night. its a process. but this program was transform you completely if you are vigilant and thorough. i am very familiar with filling the void that alcohol once filled with other things (buying, eating, etc). in the first 15 months of sobriety i had gained 45 pounds. even though i showed up emaciated, after 15 months i was 20 pounds over weight from eating crap food excessively, poor diet, and chain smoking. early on, sobriety is really the only thing that matters. everything else balances out. after 15 months i started eating healthy and working out rigorously. finally at 19+ months, i am in excellent shape for the first time in my life. but it would never have happened if i didnt focus exclusively on staying sober the first 15 months. i still buy crap i shouldnt and fill the void in my soul with non-spiritual things...but im staying sober so everyday is a victory. a HUGE VICTORY. cut you're self some slack, relax, and enjoy the fact you didnt drink today because thats a miracle. everything will come together if you are dedicated to sobriety.
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Old 09-16-2007, 05:41 AM
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Depression can be tough, some seem to lose the depression naturally with sobriety, and some seem to struggle. I am one who struggles. So in case you were wondering, here is some info. If you recognise yourself, you may wish to discuss with your doctor. Just google depression symptoms and you'll get lots of info.


The following is from the Mayo Clinic site:


Two hallmarks of depression — symptoms key to establishing a diagnosis — are:

* Loss of interest in normal daily activities. You lose interest in or pleasure from activities that you used to enjoy.
* Depressed mood. You feel sad, helpless or hopeless, and may have crying spells.

In addition, for a doctor or other health professional to diagnose depression, most of the following signs and symptoms also must be present for at least two weeks.

* Sleep disturbances. Sleeping too much or having problems sleeping can be a sign you're depressed. Waking in the middle of the night or early in the morning and not being able to get back to sleep are typical.
* Impaired thinking or concentration. You may have trouble concentrating or making decisions and have problems with memory.
* Changes in weight. An increased or reduced appetite and unexplained weight gain or loss may indicate depression.
* Agitation. You may seem restless, agitated, irritable and easily annoyed.
* Fatigue or slowing of body movements. You feel weariness and lack of energy nearly every day. You may feel as tired in the morning as you did when you went to bed the night before. You may feel like you're doing everything in slow motion, or you may speak in a slow, monotonous tone.
* Low self-esteem. You feel worthless and have excessive guilt.
* Less interest in sex. If you were sexually active before developing depression, you may notice a dramatic decrease in your level of interest in having sexual relations.
* Thoughts of death. You have a persistent negative view of yourself, your situation and the future. You may have thoughts of death, dying or suicide.

Depression can also cause a wide variety of physical complaints, such as gastrointestinal problems (indigestion, constipation or diarrhea), headache and backache. Many people with depression also have symptoms of anxiety.
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Old 09-16-2007, 06:23 AM
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Aristo..
I think to myself - What if this was someone else coming to me with these problems - what would I say to them - what would I do ? And I come up with all the right answers (I am very good at giving excellent advice to others, not so good at actually practicing what I preach).
I think we all can relate to that.
Always good at giving the right answers but not at taking it. I know that is me.
Just take it easy and dont be to hard on yourself. I know all this sucks but at laest your arent drinking.
You will find a way to work through all this as well.
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Old 09-16-2007, 06:39 AM
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<<HUGS>> Like others have said at least your not drinking!
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Old 09-16-2007, 04:58 PM
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I don't want to be depressed but if I look at that list......


* Loss of interest in normal daily activities. (tick - eg washing up, putting out garbage, bringing in empty bins, cleaning bird cage, cleaning bathroom/house, cooking - so I get take out) You lose interest in or pleasure from activities that you used to enjoy.(I find myself doing things I normally wouldn't do - like I decided to re-build a car - I really shouldn't be as i can't really afford it but in retrospect, I think I am doing it to find pleasure somewhere)


* Depressed mood. You feel sad, helpless or hopeless, and may have crying spells. (I find I am crying more - which is hard for me to say cause I am a man - but not just over anything - I could be watching TV and a sad bit comes on and a loose it, happens more than it did before)

In addition, for a doctor or other health professional to diagnose depression, most of the following signs and symptoms also must be present for at least two weeks.

* Sleep disturbances. Sleeping too much or having problems sleeping can be a sign you're depressed. Waking in the middle of the night or early in the morning and not being able to get back to sleep are typical. (Definitely sleeping too much, I'd sleep in all day if I could, but I eventually get up)


* Impaired thinking or concentration. You may have trouble concentrating or making decisions and have problems with memory. (Definitely - I can relate to this nearly every day - I put something down and then I can't remember where I put it. Also, just last week, I forgot (1) my best AA friends birthday dinner, (2) My therapists appointment (3) Something else that I can't remember (4) Got my BBS days mixed up)


* Changes in weight. An increased or reduced appetite and unexplained weight gain or loss may indicate depression. (Have put on 12kgs)


* Agitation. You may seem restless, agitated, irritable and easily annoyed. (Not so much - I just get annoyed at myself)

* Fatigue or slowing of body movements. You feel weariness and lack of energy nearly every day. You may feel as tired in the morning as you did when you went to bed the night before. You may feel like you're doing everything in slow motion, or you may speak in a slow, monotonous tone. (When I wake up - I feel like a zombie - I am in such a haze , it's like being drunk - I trip over things - takes me hours to wake up properly)
* Low self-esteem. You feel worthless and have excessive guilt. (Yep, feeling pretty worthless - mainly because I am not contributing to myself or society)

* Less interest in sex. If you were sexually active before developing depression, you may notice a dramatic decrease in your level of interest in having sexual relations.(Sex ?? Ha - It's been a loooooong time)
* Thoughts of death. You have a persistent negative view of yourself, your situation and the future. You may have thoughts of death, dying or suicide.

Depression can also cause a wide variety of physical complaints, such as gastrointestinal problems (indigestion, constipation or diarrhea), headache and backache. Many people with depression also have symptoms of anxiety. (Yep, I get headaches 5 or 6 times per week - went to a Dr, who put sent me to a neurologist - had brain scans - nothing wrong - put me on Ispotin)
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