Dee74

ok...I *never* do this...but its time.

Today, I get evicted. No fault of mine...they're tearing the place down. So I got less than two months to pack up, find somewhere suitable for me and my special needs, that I can afford on a pension, and move. I emailled them. No extensions. Tough.

And my legs are so bad at the moment I can barely walk to the letterbox. All my old mates don't come around anymore since I stopped drinking. so...gotta do this basically on my own. Fell swoop #1

then I get double paid on a proofreading job I did on someone's thesis. University bureaucratic stuff up. That's $700 the pension people will not like...and yeah I will get it sorted, but maybe not before I lose the pension for a fortnight...you know bureaucracy....that's #2

Then my mum goes into hospital today for exploratory heart surgery...turns out ok...but she's pissed at me for not going up there when, as I said, I can barely get to the front gate.

Nothing I ever EVER do will be good enough there, I know that, but geez... #3

there's probably a #4, I'm sure of it, but I can't think straight...you get the picture.

I really REALLY felt like drinking today. For the first time - not just a momentary craving but a dull *ache* of want.

It was REALLY REALLY hard not to be oblivious right now.

But I'm not.

But I'm a mess, and I wanted to post because I never let anyone see me like this,

And that sucks, I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of being aloof. I just want to be human I wanna lose the Superman tights and have someone tell *me* it's gonna be ok.

Today REALLY sucked. I'm overwhelmed.

D

stone

Hi Dee, it WILL be OK!
I am really glad you have shared how you are feeling mate. You are a great guy and I admire you a lot.

rach28

i wish i could make it all b ok 4 u, im thinking a u an hope u stick to not picking up that drink, u know better than i that it dont help,

sending my thoughts an a hug your way, xx

hope the day gets better 4 u , xxx

Jules62

Hey D,

I *know* you never do this and I'm so proud of you for doing it...

It sucks.Yes.It's called life-as you know-but look at you?You're doing it!You're not drinking(even tho you want to) and you're reaching out-even if it kills you

I love you for that.

You are always the one here supporting others.I say it's about damn time we rallied round and supported you.

If there is anything I can do to help-you know I will.Just let me know.

It will be ok.Promise.

Much love to you my friend,

Julesxox

Octoman

I'm sorry to hear you struggling Dee. I really am. Your enthusiasm for recovery and ability to lighten the mood here has paid a large role in helping me maintain a positive focus and in pains me to see you so down.

I struggle with the recovery thing so I'm no expert here but I do know that when things pile up it quickly becomes overwhelming and our poor old battered minds start to lead us only one way.

The only thing I can say is that I hope you find the strength to not drink today and keep your clarity of mind to deal with the problems you are facing. I'm sure I dont need to tell you that you will handle these things much better sober and I'm sure the intense cravings will subside. I guess you just have to white knuckle it a bit for a while!

As for the money and housing issues it stinks but it can all be sorted. I guess just try to focus on the fact that in a few weeks time things should be resolved. Oh, and as for parents expectations? Phhh. Know that one well and truly. Fighting a losing battle from day one on that one my friend. Just be content in the knowledge that you ARE a decent person who deserves good things - it comes accross loud and clear on this site. Even if as you say you think you dont let your true character show you would be surprised what comes accross from your posts and what I see is a fine person affflicticted with a shi**y addiction on top of more than your fair share of other lifes problems.

Hang in there. I'm rooting for you and will be thinking about you today, hoping that you find the strength not to drink.

Oct

Jules62

Yeah Octoman!

D-you'll hate me saying this-but I have to.

You listen and care for so many people here.And so many of them have no idea what you deal with every day.You never whine-you never complain but if anyone has a reason to-you do!

I have so much admiration for you.You deal with your disabilty with so much dignity.You rarely mention it.But I know it's a daily struggle-above and beyond the alcoholism.

I wish every good thing for you.This will all pass.None of us here would let you go homeless

We all care too much-LOL

I think so highly of you-and I know I'm not alone.

*hugs*

Julesxox

rach28

i dont know much about any 1 yet but u sound like u have over come an awful lot, keep fighting an keep sober, my heart is with u, xxx

Room1

Hi Dee,

I'm sorry your having such a hard time right now, I am not very good at giving advice but I am pretty sure if you drank things would be alot worse, you all ready know that though. I know it doesn't stop the cravings/thoughts mind, so stay strong and things will improve I am sure. My thoughts are with you

Sax

indigo

i'm sorry you're having a tough time at the moment, I am keeping you in my thoughts.

Dee74

Thanks all...I did this for me, not for the responses, but it's...wow. Just wow.
It's truly truly indescribable what you all mean to me tonight. Even Jules. LOL.

I'm still a mess - I can't be too coherent, but don't worry - in a few hours I'll be going to bed sober....and that's a big advantage to be starting with tomorrow morning.

thank you all
D

stone

The knack is, going through this sh1t and not picking a drink up. You ARE always here for everyone else mate, I was even going to mention that to you tonight when I PMd you. It is great that you are letting people do the same for you.

Octoman

Way to go Dee! You hang on in there.
Give those grotty cravings a kick in the sack!! (to coin a phrase)

Rowan

Derek,

When I saw the title of your thread, and your name, I panicked. I'm so sorry that you're facing these struggles, but I'm really proud of you for not drinking.
Will you be able to stay with family if your pension dries up for a time? I hope that you can call your old mates and ask for help the way you reached out here.
Keep reaching out for help, Derek. And yes, it's going to be okay. It might be painful for a time, but it will be okay.

xoxo
Row

Dee74

Don't panic Ro
I'm still wiped out, but the drinking thing has gone, and I know I'll work things out somehow.

Family's not an option, but I have friends. I rang a few tonight.

And I'm very proud I didn't take that backward step. I could be stinking drunk right now. I'm not, and whatever fears and challenges I'm facing, this is better.

I'm also pretty proud I opened up. That's rare for me. I hated doing it, but I needed to. I was told I was untouchable today. I don't want to be that guy.

I love you all.
thank you so so much.
night
D

Arura

Hey Deeeeee,..Im Proud you did'nt drink over it as that wont help one bit and you know ..it ..!

Your such a great Laugh n help round here ..it shocked me ..too when i saw your post.!
You are very Selfless ...and give so much to so many .....and thats a great thing Deeee....

Just Know were ALL here for you ..and you can make it thro this without drinkin ...!
Your a Great Insperation ..to many Deeee ..Just hang in there and Im sure things will work themselves out ...!

My thoughts are with you ....

...xXx...

Anna

Dee,

I'm sorry to be late on this, and I truly wish there was something I could do. I can send you lots of hugs and prayers, but that's about it. My only advice is to do things as you can and just move along bit by bit. Is it possible to hire a young teenager in your neighborhood who could help you with the packing and moving?

Jomey

Hey Dee - I laughed like a fool yesterday over the "fortune cookie/greeting card" thing you posted to me about my cravings, and it felt so good to be laughing at something that was actually funny, instead of laughing at something because I was drinking.

I can't believe you took the time to do that for me when you had all this stuff on your own plate. You are awesome and I am grateful for you here on these boards.

I have no words of wisdom, but if you don't mind, I'll keep you in my prayers at Mass this morning.

Dee74

yeah, I think piece by piece bit by bit is the only way, Anna I might look into help too. Thanks.

D

Rusty Zipper

auntie, so glad you pulled through without numbing yourself...

aint nothing that drink will make anybetter...

aunt dee... "Its Gunna be OK... ! "

all is as it should...

love mate'y

gypsytears

Dee

Lots going on... it's no wonder it's overwelming. I'm proud of you for not drinking yourself into oblivion and I am so proud of you for reaching out. Some of those things that happened you have no control over... some you do. Work on those. Lean on your friends. Pull yourself up by those PVC boot straps and take it one step at a time. I don't know, but I never thought this guy was wearing tights anyway !