Alive

For the past 2 months i have been trying to decide what to do with my life..I had some good blessings tough..I was informed that with almost certainty i won't be expelled from college..I talked normally with my dad at last....
Sometimes we work some things out, but other troubles develop in us, and only we can realize the dimension they get....It's like when we uncover some things, other come along..


I have been struggling with a severe depression..I discovered this i guess in June..I joined in April...I thought i had simply an addiction to destruction..I've been reading some information online and i have every symptom...After all it wasn't normal that i thought about sad things so constantly or that anything could become a huge problem for me...The weirdest thing is i am very positive when it comes to other people..I can always see great things in others, but not in me..

It was specially hard to see that none of my "friends" tried to understand i couldn't perform well academically, if i am not ok emotionally...Last year i did 3 classes out of many, went to campus very few times....Classes started this week, i will only start attending next week, but the truth is i don't know if i have enough strength to attend...I am not taking pills, my decision...i don't get out of the house much..i feel good here...feel like sleeping or watching tv, don't feel like seeing people..As much as i love m family and the fact they need me, i have no strength left to help them...(never thought i'd say that)..

I know a lot of people say..This guy is lazy, doesn't want to work or even try..But i really feel completely burned out all the time..I wake up and i go from the bed to the couch, you know..I never thought this disease could be this vicious..


There's a reason why i have been off and on here in SR..For all this time i was trying to decide if it was worthy to live..I can't say i already know the answer to that..There were moments when the pain of being alive was unbearable..I remember being in a supermarket and wanting desperately to run away..That had never happened to me..I had never had a panic attack....whatever that was...I remember doing things and not knowing if i'd do them again..

The worst thing is when small problems become life problems..Or when i can't look at myself in the mirror without saying some destructive thing..I know it's not healthy to think this way, but that's how it feels for me..There are things that i would still like to do..I'd like to read some great books of great people, i'd like to travel, i'd like to grow vegetables and eat them and know if it's possible to be loved...

I can't join a rehab center for depression, cuz over here the only hospital for that is called nut house, and people are labeled if they go there, and forced to take stuff....they put people with severe mental issues together with depressed people..I guess in America depression is seen as a normal disease, over here it aint....People suspect i am depressed, i tell them that i am going through things...lol....A big part of me wishes somebody could give me a sleeping pill for a year, and then i'd decide what to do..

I have learned a lot since arriving to SR:

1--i could have changed everything a long, long time ago
2--all of what i am going through is a consequence of my actions...
3--develop responsibility, instead of blaming others for our hurt, we chose to dwell on it, making it 10 times worse..
4--have no time to lose with less than loving people..
5--there are still amazing people in the world..

For the first time i write a thread with no answers..But i thought i should share my state of mind..Sorry if it's confusing, it's the best i can do right now...I do feel like God has tried so many times to help me, and i didn't let him...

love everybody here...

Anna

Hi Karim,

I know depression very well and I sympathize with your struggle.

I strongly suggest you talk to your dr. It took me until age 49 to get a dr to figure out what was wrong with me and get me the right medication. It's a chemical imbalance for me and medication corrects it.

Alive

Anna can you recommend some good books i can read about that..?..I really like Dr Robin, but her books seem to be about relationships..

teej

what anna said!!!!!!!!!!!

Karim, you need to be on antidepressants! I was a mess after my cancer, wanted to kill myself. Really. And my doc put me on trazadone & effexor and they fixed me right up. I wasnt paranoid to leave the house anymore, I'm more talkative, I get up and do things that I used to like to do......the list goes on. Please go to your doc and get some antidepressants!!! What do you go to lose??? And look at all that you have to gain!! There's NOTHING shameful about being on medication, not at all.

parentrecovers

karim dude............keep reaching out.

Anna

Karim, I almost always turn to books to find answers, but for depression you really need a dr to talk to in order to get medication. Sometimes it takes a few tries to get the rigtht med that works for you.

Hope

I'm sorry that you are struggling. I agree about checking into anti-depressants. It could make all the difference in the world.

Another thing is to focus on today and live in the moment. Don't beat yourself up about your past. I noticed where you wrote that you could have changed things a long, long time ago. That caught my eye especially because I've spent so much time beating myself up about what I didn't do "yesterday". I was so angry at myself because I thought that if I would've changed sooner, I could've saved my life from getting shattered. Well, the reality is things are as they are. I can't worry about yesterday but I can take my life back TODAY and seize this day to make positive choices that will give me a better future.

We learn from our past and our past mistakes and we must take action to focus on the NOW.

Sometimes it is natural to grieve but we must not allow ourselves to stay there very long or we will rob ourselves of the gift of this moment and today. Afterall, we have this big blessing in front of you and that is life. We are breathing so there is hope.

I'm here for you. You are not alone.

(((Karim)))

Alive

I am gonna think about this tomorrow and see the options...

thank you all for your support and opening up..you're real friends, there for me when i am down, thanks...

GrouchoTheCat

My friend, I can relate so very much.

I have suffered from depression most of my life. I can remember sleeping for days when I was in high school, just unable to get out of bed. Of course, they didn't know it was depression back then, I was just labled lazy.

I also get squirlly sometimes in markets or malls. Just gotta get out.

I now take an antidepressent and it works wonders for me.

I hope you can find a Dr who won't lock you up and will get you the medication you probably need.

All I can advise you is to keep trying.

Ted

Alive

So here's what i am going to do now..I am going to take the medication i was prescribed in the ER, i never tried that like i should have...The doctor said it's better than inderal, inderal is dangerous for the heart...

thanks for the support..I sure do hope i can find some peace and rest..it would be nice to sleep well..!

teej

What is it???

Dee74

Karim,
I agree with everyone here. Try the tablets. There's no shame in it. sleep well !

D

Alive

valdispert...it's natural but 4 depression, you take 2 in the morning, 2 at lunch, 2 at night...

i never did the proper treatment...i only took too many in a single time..so now got to do it phased..

Dee74

OK...I would go and see your doctor tho...you have too many people who care about you here not to, my friend LOL

D

Alive

Dee i don't have a doctor....i don't want to be locked up, unless i want too...lol...if i start talking they won't let me get out..lol..

Dee74

OK Karim - I don't know much about Portugal, but it seems a little odd they lock you up over depression....the Clinic must be full LOL.

You can't get anti-depressants off a 'normal' doctor ?

D

Alive

I know how it is Dee..How can i take them when my brother is finally out of meds..It isn't right..I can't do that..Ok, let's do it like this..friday i'll buy the natural meds, i take them like prescribed, you ask me a week from that if i am doing good..if not, i sign up for the clinic..lol..

p.s...of course they wouldn't lock me up because of depression, but if i said i was suicidal, i think they'd lock me up....

Dee74

LOL you're nearly as stubborn as me LOL.
Ok I'll ask you in a week

D

Alive

I was gonna say that..i am so stubborn...lol..

but you are my friends.lol..and you just want my well being..

i just want you to understand that sometimes we need to decide if its worth to fight before we go to a doctor..that's just what i am trying to do...

Dee74

ok. That's your call Karim. I'll nag you some more later LOL.

D