On~Fire

Ive been on here for a couple of weeks and this is my first thread. I recently had a little over 6 months of sobriety and relapsed. At the beginning of my sobriety i was so depressed and going through so much, not drinking was not a problem. After a few months i started getting a little better as time went on. I started having really strong urges to drink again. I didnt just happen to drink. It was something i thought alot about even as i bought the first 6 pack in months and looked at the bottle before i drank. Knowing what i was giving up. Well, those urges are still just as strong. I have succumbed to them quite a few times during the past 30 days. At least 4 or 6 times and i honestly cant tell you exactly because i blacked out the first 2 or 3 times. I know that i want to be sober. What i dont know is why i want to drink and how to fight off the urges. My last drunk was yesterday. I had had a successful day and taken care of alot of important business. I went a heard a great speaker at a lead meeting. Even in the meeting i had a feeling i might drink. I had that strong craving. I dont know how to get better. I know i need to work the steps but i think im in the wrong place to do it. I feel shunned at the meetings in my town. People honestly do not talk to me. I dont get it. I think its me. But nobody knows anything about me except what i tell them in the meetings. I havent done anything so bad that i deserve for people shun me. Maybe im being paraniod. I honestly dont know. I have been in this town for 2 years and i have never really enjoyed it here. Maybe people can sense that. But i cant move right now i just dont have the finances or i would. Im trying to make the best of it. I have family who is trying to help. They are chrisians and want me to turn to religion and they tell me i need to be saved. But i think most people in AA know the difference between spirituality and religion. I think i heard it best on a quote from craigslist that said " Religion is for the people who dont want to go to hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there." I dont meant to step on anyones belief system. So please dont get mad at me for not wanting to be a christian if your reading this. I just want something that feels real to me. As of right now i dont feel real to me. I just want to get sober. I think i wanted 10 years of sobriety in 6 months. I just know i want to be a better person than ive been the past 12 years when i was using. I want to meet good friends in AA. But i dont know how to be a good friend. I dont really even like myself. I feel alone, but thats ok. I can handle that ive always felt alone. I just want to get sober. I want a better life than ive given myself.

barb dwyer

hi On~fire ... and welcome!

Thanks for the post - you're actually quite insightful about your group, and where you are. Urges are very very hard, and sometimes are mistaken wehn it's actually the body attempting to heal itself. have you read 'Under the Influence'? There's excerpts on this site, maybe reading through them whould help understand the urge thing.

About being shunned ... I'd give it some time before making any decisions about that. For today, focus on not taking that first drink; hit a meeting ... and maybe read the BB.

One day at a time. You managed today. That's all any of us do. we manage - today.

Congratulations on the decision to be sober!
It's SOOO much more than simply not drinking!

On~Fire

I bought it a few years ago and skimmed through it but its been a long time since ive looked at it. Ill check and see if i still own it.

barb dwyer

there's a sticky thread on it over in the alcoholism forums, too.

here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

it's excerpts, but might help!
I doubt I could put my hands on my copy anything like quick, either - I've moved since buying it. No telling what box of stuff I needed to move, but didn't apparently need to unpack it's in.

indigo

Welcome to SR it's good to see you are posting with us.

Pilgrim

Hi and welcome to SR.

I liked what you said about spirituality. There are a lot of alcoholic priests still drinking so religion on its own doesn't seem to do the trick when it comes to alcohol. That's just my opinion.

I thought your post was honest and open and I know exactly what you mean. Thanks for making me feel less alone. I totally understand.

stone

Hi and welcome On~fire. I like that quote about religion and spirituality and can relate to what you said about feeling isolated.
I am starting to think that some kind of spirituality is very important to recovery. I think if we can really let go and accept things as they are it helps.
I am a mess really, psychologically and emotionally-thats why I drank and now I have stopped I am still a mess. I am finding some happiness though and some peace but its fragile. Also I feel unbelievably lonely.

mike_mass

You might want to look for meetings in other towns. Sometimes meetings in one area can be dominated by a clique. If you find yourself getting shunned elsewhere, then it might have to do with how you present yourself.

CarolD

Hi On~Fire....

When I re located (twice) in recovery
I too felt the new AA group's were chilly.
Sooo...
I went 15 minutes early and started helping out.
"What do we need to do before the meeting?"

Staying after the meeting and pitching in
was welcomed too.

I also invited another member for coffee
and conversation after.
Some said no...a few said sure.

That was how I found new AA friends.

Welcome to SR!

parentrecovers

glad you found us, onfire. keep posting - you're not alone here..

blessings, k

gypsytears

Hi On~Fire . Nice to meet you. You won't be shunned here.

Rowan

Hi On~Fire it's good to see you back.

I felt very alone in meetings for some time - but that was me - I was frightened and vulnerable and didn't want to be hurt. It took time, but it's gotten much better, and I finally feel a part of the fellowship.

I agree with Carol - show up early and stay behind to set up and tear down. Join a home group and make a commitment to show up early each week, make coffee, stand at the door and greet others. Force yourself if you must, but eventually it will feel more natural.

I hope you keep posting.

Rowan

Dee74

sorry I haven;t got to this thread before...

welcome On~Fire

D

Astro

Welcome On Fire, glad you're here. I visited Lancaster the past two summers, what a beautiful place to be clean and sober!

As the days go by in sobriety, one at a time of course, I'm finding that the more my brain connects with my heart, the more friends I make. Open up and reach out. It's hard work, but very rewarding.

barb dwyer

hey On~Fire - how's it going today?

On~Fire

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am officially on my first 24 hours of sobriety again. Ive been restless the past couple of nights. The last time i was this restless i stayed sober for 6 months. I was thinking alot today about letting go of my past.
Ok, well speaking randomly. I am still not on the right track. I have got to find the courage somewhere in me to start working the steps. I cant bring myself to complete step four. I have been on recoveryunivers.com and they have workshops for all of the steps. Ive listened to them but i havent followed through. It seems as though im trying to manage every other part of my life except for my alcoholism, thinking that this will cure me. Im just speaking theoretically because i dont honestly know what im thinking. Lots of work to be done. I hope i have it in me to do it. Im going to go to a meeting this weekend and try to find a sponsor. I hope i can summon the courage to ask one of the elders of AA to help me. I dont know why thats such a big deal. Ive only had one sponsor and that lasted 2 days. I honestly think thats its an authority issue with me. People who have advised me in the past i didnt trust and for good reason now that i look back on it. Their advise, especially my fathers created alot of problems in my life. The things that he taught me are the things im trying to unlearn through AA. So yeah my general concensus is that im pretty much dont want anyone to get the impression that they think their going to have any controll over my life. I dont meet to many people who practice what they preach. Though i know thats what this program is all about. I also know that some people do, though its rare. Also, i dont want to ask one of the elders who i respect to be my sponsor and then disappoint them. Or think im taking advantage of them. I have alot of stuff to deal with. Some days im a rock. Some days im as soft as a pillow. Some days i need somebody to talk to. Somedays even though i cant stand myself on these days, i want to whine. But really i just want to get better.
I dont know if this is a healthy feeling. But i want to leave the past behind and i mean that in a very literal way. I dont want anything to do with my past. I want to pick up and move and never look back. I want my life to go in one direction and thats Forward. I hold alot of resentments and i just want to leave them behind and get on with it already. Im tired of living back there. Theres nothing but sorrow back there. It will hurt people that "i do" and "dont" care about and love. But what good am i to the ones i love anyways if im always suffering. And believe me im suffering. But im optimistic that maybe things will get better if i can just move on. Maybe it wont even be in the next year. Im speaking as if im always patient. Somedays i am somedays im not. That can be put in a hourly category as well, as far as that goes. You know, upon writing this thread i realize that i used to have an awesome sense of humor. That is obviously long gone. Thats Sad

barb dwyer

Fire - ********** hi }}}}}

okay, wow.

Let's just start at the beginning. Okay?
You haven't had a drink today - GOOD FOR YOU !!!
wooHOo!

Picking up and moving and never looking back is known as a 'geographic' in recovery circles.
They don't work.

Here's how I had to look at it.
Maybe it'll help.
So ...
here's the thing:
all the choices, all the dreams, all the plans I made in my life -
wound me up dead on my bathroom floor August 28, 2006.
That's how *I* ran things.
That's how *I* created my own reality.

I can't suggest enough that you get a sponsor.
So what you feel rebellious?
Surely you don't think you're the first.
you DO know you're not the first, right?

Do the steps.
In order.
WIth a sponsor.
As suggested.

I mean, where has defying authority gotten you really?

When it got put to me that way - it caused a change in me.

Do the first step.
That's where you are here, only 24 hours in to this. You're not ON the fourth step right now. You're in the first. And maybe the second.
Be ... here.
Right where your hands are.
that's what is happening right now.


You got through your first day, man.
wooHOO!

Just be here for now. In today.
Let the Universe .. take care of itself.
It was unfolding before either of us got here,
and it will continue when we're both long gone.
And it's going to do that.
Unfold.
Take care of itself.
It always has.

right here, right now - You made it through your first day!
You don't ever have to drink again.
you don't ever have to have a first day again.

did that help?

On~Fire

Yes it did barb dwyer, thank you. Im back on day 1 again though. I know you dont agree with a "geographic" but i think i might get one anyways, maybe. I called about a job that i think im going to get. It requires some traveling. But i know i am only a drunk away from losing it even if i do get it. I dont have a strong enough support system. Im tired of feeling sorry for myself. Im tired of being depressed. But i cant seem to help it. I dont know what to do to change it. It just comes and i start thinking about things like where i should be and then i think about where i am, which isnt in a very good place. Even though this new job would be awesome. Like i said, i am only a drunk away from losing it as well if i do get it. Its a great opportunity. But im notorious for ruining good things in my life. And the people who are trying to help me. I grateful. Somethings just not right though. Well everything for that matter. I know that no job or amount of income is going to make any difference unless im sober. My ultimate goal is to not be alone the rest of my life. Because up until now thats all i have been. Im just trying to find some happiness and a little peace of mind in this world. I think that if i start giving a little more of myself that i will feel better about myself. As of now im selfish. Buts thats what alcoholism is. Ive never heard of a happy, selfish person though.

Rusty Zipper

on fire... welcome, and nice to see someone else trying to combat alcoholism...

what was suggested to me...

even if i strike Gold, or my ass is "on fire"... dont pick up that drink!

the alcoholic, self-centered to the extreem!

good wishes OF

xxoo, rz

barb dwyer

hi On~Fire -

keep trying, hon. it's all we can do.

getting a job in another 'non trigger' town ... isn't a geographic. It *may* be a HP thing - getting you out of harm's way, you know?
I'm glad to hear from ya - was wondering you you were getting along and all.