rach28

hello an thanks all who welcomed me,

ive been quite so long as bf hid computer, big rows last 2 weeks, so supportive!!!!!

then forgot my password !! well i did 9 days, got thru brothers party, only i sober, was even pouring people drinks, washing up a lot, etc, looking after crying drunken 18yr olds! was even glad i wasent drunk, BUT mon i went pub to a charity rock an roll do, i cut librium, to 1 tab in am, an well i had few beers, bf got trashed an really had a go, i got drunk, took speed an coccaine, more beer an went bk to friends party, an done something really relly stupid, it s been bad few mths 4 bf an i, an i thought this time im leaving, he left real mean voice mails, i left party with a friend of my neighbours, an got bk in am, to find all my clothes in bin bags, an bf crying begging me 2 forgive him, never seen that b4, so were working it out, im feeling guilty as hell an terrified he s gonna find out, cant tell him, my neighbour is involved as he cvered 4 me, bf will go mad an bloke only lives at end of rd in our small village,

i ve drunk since mon but no way near s much as b4, just few cans, each night, i got a do this, think i need 2 leave bf, was all set to, started wheels turning to rent my own house an all, but he convinces me to stay, we shud be happy but always argue about ridiculous things, kids mainly, he just dont listen, + he was drinking whole time i quit, which really got 2 me, sorry to rant, but feelin pretty low, an guilty, cant belive i did it, dont rem leaving party, dreading some1 sayin they saw me go in his house, oh sxxt !!!

hope u r all ok xxxx

Pilgrim

Hi Rach,

Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time.

I couldn't stop on my own.

Are there any AA meetings near where you live?

rach28

hi, no im in a tiny village, bf says he hasnt got a prob, but it s like he dont want me to stop, so 1 part is saying stay sober 4 ever an the other is saying u can just have a few, but mon proved it, he was fallin down drunk, shouting at me etc, an he cant rem any of it, he saw id kind a give up giving up when i opned a can tue s , i think he knows he ll never stop, an if i stop then we wont get along, put it this way , 1 more row like we had an im off really, i said it so many time s but same rows r there, re read all letters i wrote him, all basically the same, 1yrs worth an still same so, i think if we cant do it this time there s no point, xxxx

stone

I musta missed this thread...so I will say hi now....hi Rach!

barb dwyer

hi Rach -

i was on campral for seven months ... it worked for me.

Aysha

Hi Rach..Glad you are here. This is a bgreat board so pull up a chair and stick around.

Tazman53

Hi again Rach, I took revia for a couple of weeks after I got out of detox, I could tell no difference, but for some others it works great I have heard.

The solution that allowed me to retire from a 40 year drinking career was AA. I know have 347 days sober all thanks to AA and its steps along with my HP.

I had to be willing to go to any lengths to get and stay sober and AA was the last place I wanted to go, I have learned it should have been the first place I went.... but then again I had not had enough to drink yet so it was the last place I went to.

Check out this link for AA meetings in England http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org....html?sfgdata=4 Even if you are really not ready to quit please go to it and book mark the site for the time when you are ready.

rach28

i really shud get out the chair an do some house work!!! barb, i know u say u r in another world!! but in uk i asked my alcohol councellor about camparal, naltrexone, an ew others but she would not reccomend em, i may go c dr, he was free an easy enough dishing out the bloody librium, with out directions, i ned that extra kick in the ass when im really gaggin 4 a beer, worse when im stressed my temper flares, an just opening the can, relives it, or kickig something, keep asking bf to hang a punch bag, lol think he s worried i may, get good at it an give him a good jab,, not that i would!! just need 2 get it out a me system, an exercise or fighting is related to endorphines an dopamine an stuff isant it, dr said my body is permanantly geared for the fight not the flight, blood pressure goe s up even if i stand up, let alone when we r rowing, ! thanks u guys , xxx

rach28

taz , is AA really really religious,

i have 2 admit that im not, i belive in a higher being an agree the theory of the 12 commandments shud be taken as a guide to life but i cant get my head around the church thing, i think i pray in my own funny way, asking 4 guidance but i think im usually tlkin to me step dad an gran, both passed on,

i hope i havent offended any 1,

my councellor did say ther is a support group but it s few miles away, i think mayb next week i ll call an make the effort, just always seem so busy, dont really know how i found time to drink,

lots a love an thanks an i will call mon, an c, i have been on aa chat site but it all moves 2 quick an there seem 2 b lots a rules, that i dont undrstand, always miss them, but im gonna keep trying xxx

rach28

hi all, had trouble posting at weekend kept writing posts an then they dissapeared an i had 2 keep logging bk on, very frustrating,

what a crappy weekend,

4 days no row wiv bf an then sat all hell lets lose again, started with him an his son, i kept wel out of it, sat an rearranged the airing cupboard!!!

some how tho it all ended up being my fault, but get this he cant even remember having row, he was telling me to just get fxxked, dissapear, bla bla, not nice, i was sat tryin to do the old maths books i nicked when i left school, cos my 10yr old is better at maths from me, been meaning to do em for 15yrs, he was lying in bed shouting at me, not a good place 2 b,

so im bk on sofa an trying to find somewhere 2 live, 4 real this time im fed up going round in circles,

i love him dearly but obviously love aint enough, i ll never b able to quit 4 good while im with him,

i have been very moderatly drinking, thru the week, stupidly last night i washed librium down with beer, wanted to noy think , not hear 4 a while, just fed up hearing bf say he dosent want me 2 go, but cant go on like this, thats all he ever says, no solution, just think he dont want 2 be the 1 to say it,

it worked, was just making my sofa bed up, got the sheet on an baaam i passed out,

got a go work today, feelin like crap but it s my own fault, xxxxAGAIN