Aysha

When I first came here to SR..It was my first attempt at recovery. I had gotten 60 days for the first time in like years. Then relapsed and ended up in the hospital for a week. some of you know that story. Then once again got 60 days and relapsed again. Then I really started losing it. And it's like after that last relapse of having 60 days for the second time....I am having trouble even getting a couple days. I totally gave up and didnt care after 2 let downs.
I really lost my freaking mind here lately. You all have seen it.
I stopped taking them scripts my Dr gave me....Even my family said thats when I started going mental. When I STARTED taking those depression meds. I feel better without them.
Anyway...Today I feel normal for the first time in months and am going into residential treatment probably tomorrow.
It just seems like the more clean time I got then relapsed..the more it made me want to give up...the let down and disappointment got too much I guess.
The point of this thread..not sure..just venting I guess.

mike_mass

You are sharing honestly, and that counts for something. Do not give up. Many, many people struggle before attaining long term sobriety.

marle

Trish, I am just glad you are still here so you can vent. Take care of you and good luck with inpatient. Perhaps you will learn something that will help you stay clean. Sending prayers your way. Hugs, Marle

Astro

Trish, I'm hoping and praying that treatment goes well for you, but more than anything I hope you use any free time you have after it to attend NA or AA meetings. Feeling "normal" was a red flag for me. I'm not normal, I have an addiction to alcohol. So whether I felt normal, depressed, angry, sad, etc. those were all good reasons to get to a meeting and accept help from others just like me.

Emimily

take it easy on yourself, trish. you've been through a lot, y'know? and it's like... it makes sense that you'd be sketched out after relapsing a handle of time, feeling weird, and meds, and god knows what else. truth be told, it's just gonna take what it's gonna take, and if you feel normal today... enjoy it. don't worry about messing it up or anything 'cause it's all you have to worry about. i think i was so f**king crazy in early sobriety that all i could do was breathe, eat, sleep, go to meetings, and watch old movies. and work out. but other than that, it was like... nothing.

easy does it, girl. you're a survivor, you've got the whole world in front of you, and you're gonna be just fine.

Aysha

You guys rock...
Yea normal can be scary...But it is a little relief after the constant insanity these past few months.
It feels good to just come out of my house after so long and doing something so simple as walk to the mail box. Funny what you find enjoyable.
Well I am going to make some tacos..I will be back later...Thank you guys...

Anna

Trish, normal is scary, after we're used to all the negatives emotions that addiction brings us. I found, I had to believe, really deeply believe, that I deserved a good life. That enabled me to stick with recovery and move forward.

Astro

Yum! Sounds like a good plan to me!

parentrecovers

good to see you posting, chiy. blessings, k

SaTiT

Okay, I keep a journal. i'll run across my journal of earily recovery from
time to time...holy schmoly.

i have a sort of an on line journal from that last time i relasped from
all the post i made.
My recovery date is easy..it's the sameday i signed up on SR.
okay some of you might know my original sign in name from years back,
but I'm still keeping my anominity .lol

Nice to hear from you Chy

GlassPrisoner

You're disease is progressing Trish, that's "all".

When I first started drinking again, it was the same thing. Good buzz, sober a couple of weeks, better buzz, sober a week, totally s**t faced, sober a couple of days, then drunk daily, then hourly......

Aysha

I would say I blew the lid off it this round.
I seriously got to where I didnt care at all about anything. not myself..my family..my freedom or safety.
Goodness..I cant tell you how long its been since I was that uncaring.
It is scary. It took a few years to get my legal problems and and finacial problems resolved. I was doing so good until this year. And now I have more legal BS and tickets and looking at possible time for it. Back at square one again.
I have totally trashed everything I worked so hard to get back over the past 4 years and now it is all gone again.
I have bottomed out big time.
I truely believe I have no real bottom. But I choose this to be as far down as I go.
Time to lift myself back to where I want and need to be.
The only progressing I want is recovery.
I have no more to lose..but plenty to rebuild.
I am so sick of this cycle. Getting way too old for it.

Anna

Trish, you don't have to go down any further. You can do this!

And, yes you have some legal stuff to deal with and it probably won't be fun, but it will only get worse if you don't get sober. Whatever you have to deal with, you can get through.

khiggs

Hello chiynita. Welcome back to the struggle. I don't post here often (because we're gearing up for the start of the Fall Semester...I'm a teacher and therefore getting pretty busy right now). I am also a Buddhist and spent a good part of the summer doing some heavy study. Although it might sound simple-minded, the most significant thing I have learned this summer is that "familarity breeds stabilization". In other words, the more familiar we become with a state of mind, the more "it is just there" without effort. So, like other voices here, I say keep trying (I am). You stumble, you fall down, you get up. You stumble, you fall down, you get up. At some point, either you stay down (and I pray that doesn't happen!) or you get up and stay up. Stay up! This forum is a source of strength. I love your honesty. ~Kate

nogard

There is always more we can experience as active addicts until we die. Wherever we are is the perfect place to be and the perfect place to quit for today

OnRecoveryRoad

[When I STARTED taking those depression meds. I feel better without them.[/QUOTE]


Whatever med you were on..might not be for you. I have read that some antidepressants increase your desire for alcohol. I know when I was on a certain medication..I was going crazy thinking about alcohol...when I changed meds..this obsession left.

Have a chat with your doctor..

*amelia*

The only progressing I want is recovery.
I have no more to lose..but plenty to rebuild.
I am so sick of this cycle. Getting way too old for it.

Ditto...couldn't have put it better myself. We can do this...nothing left to lose is a damn good starting point. We have everything to gain. Keep at it, whatever problems you have (legally, financially) will be a million times worse if you continue to drink. There is a way to rectify all of this and that is sobriety. Good luck and let us know how you're getting on.
Amelia x